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Secret 2nd wives and double lives

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  • #16
    Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

    Originally posted by Bint-Al-Islam View Post
    if that was my husband i would simply ask for a divorce the minute i found out about the second wife.
    i would also take the house, the cars and the kids :up:
    even though what he has done is technically halal? lol

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    • #17
      Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

      Originally posted by -Jibril- View Post
      So my question is this, what do you think?

      As a sister, would you do this?

      As a sister, how would you feel if this was your husband?
      I think it is incredibly dishonest, I wouldn't want to be the second wife, and if I were, I'd have second thoughts about him... I would question his honesty to me as a husband if he is unable to honour the truth in his first marriage.

      I wouldn't be the second wife in this situation, I'd only be a second wife if the first knew about it and was happy (or as close as can be) with me.

      If it were my husband I'd be devastated. Truth and honesty are the foundations of my marriage. I wouldn't want him to take a second wife... But if he wanted to, I wouldn't object because I love him a lot, I'd help him find someone we're both happy with. But if he did it on the sly without telling me, I'd pull out my Nikah contract (I stipulated conditions regarding taking more wives) and show him grounds for divorce.
      Last edited by M.A.K.; 19-11-11, 10:27 PM.

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      • #18
        Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

        Originally posted by Simply_Logical View Post
        even though what he has done is technically halal? lol

        yep! 100% because what im doing is not haraam either. I can ask for a divorce anytime i think he wasn't being honest with me, and the fact that he has another wife and lied to me would tell me he's not being honest.
        “This day I have perfected your religion for you,completed My Favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion.” [5:3]"I have created the jinns and the humans solely to worship Me."[51:56]"a woman's heart should be lost in God, that a man needs to see him in order to find her"

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        • #19
          Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

          to me its shady if they dont let their other wife know. marriage should be open and honest so how can they just neglect to mention another spouse, to me that is wrong
          .: Rufaida :.
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          • #20
            Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

            Originally posted by Bint-Al-Islam View Post
            yep! 100% because what im doing is not haraam either. I can ask for a divorce anytime i think he wasn't being honest with me, and the fact that he has another wife and lied to me would tell me he's not being honest.
            so your saying it dont make a difference whether its halal or haram?
            so in reality if 'he' messed around with a women the haraam way ie adultery, it would be the same result, as in divorce?

            so in reality it would be better for the guy to do it the halal way so he doesnt get the punishment/sin of adultery,
            because either way you would divorce him, right?

            Originally posted by .: Anna :. View Post
            to me its shady if they dont let their other wife know. marriage should be open and honest so how can they just neglect to mention another spouse, to me that is wrong
            i too agree,
            im just asking the questions cause it technically halal!

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            • #21
              Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

              Originally posted by Simply_Logical View Post
              first of all let me clarify, i dont know how the brother would arrange the time with wifey number 2,
              without wifey number 1 questioning him, only allah knows, maybe he is doing it in a justified manner.
              maybe his wife doesnt ask him where hes going, what hes doing.
              but one thing for sure it would be a mission lol

              if hes married to both of them, he can be kind to them both regardless to if its a secret marriage or not, imo!

              imo i dont agree with keeping it a secret cause if your gonna be man enough to marry again,
              be man enough to tell ya wife in the first place.


              i understand that some things in life you cant keep quiet forever!
              you know when it comes to emotional damage yea,
              what if a brother asks his wife can i marry again for the second time,
              and she says no, then what about his emotional damage?
              surely would be better to do halal then haraam right?

              if your thinking how can it be emotional damage for a guy,
              then we have to question why polygamy is permissible for a man in islam

              seriously though, before i got married i didnt think about marrying again,
              but honestly now that i've been married for about 5 years,
              i can understand why polygamy is permissible in the deen and why a man might go and get married again,
              dont get me wrong i dont wanna get married again, im just saying! lol
              please spare me the lecture on women who are anti polygamy and blah blah - I'm polygamously married and never had a problem with it, however I agree very much with the part above that I put in bold. He should be man enough to be open about it right from the start.

              It's because I have practical, real world experience of a polygamous marriage that I can see just how ridiculous and potentially disastrous it is to have secret marriages, it's hard enough for a husband to make polygamy work when both wives are in it knowingly and both accept it. The difficulties are worse for the husband than the wives, or at least they are if he's serious about following ALL the sunnah (like the bits about being fair to both wives and the best of you is the kindest to his wives, not just the "I'm allowed more than one wife" bit and ignore the rest of what Islam teaches) (men who abuse, neglect or otherwise mistreat both wives may think they are having an easier time of it, but they will be held accountable for their neglect, cruelty and mistreatment and this is NOT what Islam teaches at all and I have no patience what.so.ever. for men who go on about their right to marry polygamously without fulfilling the rights of his wife or wives). People greatly underestimate how much work and trouble it is for men to be polygamously married, but I'm sure it's worth all the effort and difficulties for those who are man enough to be able to keep two wives happy and fulfilled.

              So this is where the question about lying to the first wife comes from, because when you look at it from a ***practical*** point of view, it's not possible to have a secret second wife without lying to the first wife, unless the first wife is in a coma or something (in which case it wouldn't be possible to inform her anyway). Really there are so many brothers posting on ummah who are living on cloud cuckoo land when it comes to polygamy. Those brothers should get some real life experience keeping one wife happy, and if they can do that (and they've been honest with her from the start about the possibility of taking a second) then yeah, go and be man enough to keep two wives happy. And if you're not man enough to tell the first wife about the second wife, then I'd strongly suspect you're not man enough to make polygamy work the Qur'an and Sunnah way anyway.

              Men have the right to marry polygamously, and he should be open about the possibility of it right from the start, i.e. inform his wife-to-be that he may consider polygamy at some point in the future, before he even marries her. Then if she refuses to marry him on that basis, he's saved himself a lot of issues later on. And women who don't want it at all should be just as open about it prior to marriage, cause if he refuses to marry her on that basis it will save them a lot of issues later on. Believe it or not there are a lot of sisters out there who are accepting of polygamy, there's even a handful who would prefer it to monogamous marriage. The anti-polygamy sisters tend to be a bit more vocal about it on internet forums, but that doesn't mean that all sisters are against it.
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              • #22
                Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                That is just ridiculous, as someone else said here before that the Prophet pbuh did not have any sercret wives, if you have more than one wife then you are supposed to share your time equally between them so if he is staying at his second wifes house, what must he be telling his first wife where he actually is? I don't see how he can keep this a secret without lying which is haraam? I feel so sorry for his first wife she does not deserve the deceit, what a sad situation to be in when she finds out that her husband has married again without even telling her, clearly he does not love or respect his first wife, no loving husband would do such a thing. Whats also horrible is that his second wife knows that the first wife has no idea and she seems fine with this! As a woman she should be more understanding with how the first wife would feel, this is just pure selfishness. polygamy should be a respectful practise, it should not be abused in this way.
                Last edited by muslimah20; 19-11-11, 10:47 PM.

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                • #23
                  Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                  Originally posted by Simply_Logical View Post
                  so your saying it dont make a difference whether its halal or haram?

                  im just asking the questions cause it technically halal!
                  LYING is haram though, so he HAS done something haram. The second marriage is not haram, but all the lies are. And that's the whole problem with your argument. You can imagine some far fetched scenario where the first wife *never* asks him where he is every other night*, but in reality it's not going to happen. In reality he's going to end up telling lies to keep this marriage a secret.

                  *or about any of the other practical issues that will undoubtably arise that he'll have to keep hidden and explain away with lies.
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                  • #24
                    Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                    Originally posted by dhak1yya View Post
                    please spare me the lecture on women who are anti polygamy and blah blah - I'm polygamously married and never had a problem with it, however I agree very much with the part above that I put in bold. He should be man enough to be open about it right from the start.

                    It's because I have practical, real world experience of a polygamous marriage that I can see just how ridiculous and potentially disastrous it is to have secret marriages, it's hard enough for a husband to make polygamy work when both wives are in it knowingly and both accept it. The difficulties are worse for the husband than the wives, or at least they are if he's serious about following ALL the sunnah (like the bits about being fair to both wives and the best of you is the kindest to his wives, not just the "I'm allowed more than one wife" bit and ignore the rest of what Islam teaches) (men who abuse, neglect or otherwise mistreat both wives may think they are having an easier time of it, but they will be held accountable for their neglect, cruelty and mistreatment and this is NOT what Islam teaches at all and I have no patience what.so.ever. for men who go on about their right to marry polygamously without fulfilling the rights of his wife or wives). People greatly underestimate how much work and trouble it is for men to be polygamously married, but I'm sure it's worth all the effort and difficulties for those who are man enough to be able to keep two wives happy and fulfilled.

                    So this is where the question about lying to the first wife comes from, because when you look at it from a ***practical*** point of view, it's not possible to have a secret second wife without lying to the first wife, unless the first wife is in a coma or something (in which case it wouldn't be possible to inform her anyway). Really there are so many brothers posting on ummah who are living on cloud cuckoo land when it comes to polygamy. Those brothers should get some real life experience keeping one wife happy, and if they can do that (and they've been honest with her from the start about the possibility of taking a second) then yeah, go and be man enough to keep two wives happy. And if you're not man enough to tell the first wife about the second wife, then I'd strongly suspect you're not man enough to make polygamy work the Qur'an and Sunnah way anyway.

                    Men have the right to marry polygamously, and he should be open about the possibility of it right from the start, i.e. inform his wife-to-be that he may consider polygamy at some point in the future, before he even marries her. Then if she refuses to marry him on that basis, he's saved himself a lot of issues later on. And women who don't want it at all should be just as open about it prior to marriage, cause if he refuses to marry her on that basis it will save them a lot of issues later on. Believe it or not there are a lot of sisters out there who are accepting of polygamy, there's even a handful who would prefer it to monogamous marriage. The anti-polygamy sisters tend to be a bit more vocal about it on internet forums, but that doesn't mean that all sisters are against it.
                    for a start i wasnt trying to lecture you, i was just making a point!

                    anyways the reality is that only allah knows what he says to his first wife about where he goes when she asks him,
                    but thats even if she asks,
                    i know it may sound silly thinking that a wife wouldnt ask a husband wheres hes going,
                    but you just never know..

                    but like i says before i dont agree with it

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                    • #25
                      Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                      Originally posted by dhak1yya View Post
                      LYING is haram though, so he HAS done something haram. The second marriage is not haram, but all the lies are. And that's the whole problem with your argument. You can imagine some far fetched scenario where the first wife *never* asks him where he is every other night*, but in reality it's not going to happen. In reality he's going to end up telling lies to keep this marriage a secret.

                      *or about any of the other practical issues that will undoubtably arise that he'll have to keep hidden and explain away with lies.
                      btw maybe he doesnt spend nights with wife number 2, maybe he sees her during the day, i dunno lol!

                      your saying lieing is haraam, which i dont disagree with,
                      but how do you know he is lieing to his wife?
                      only allah knows whether he is or not.

                      your just assuming.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                        True say sister.

                        Originally posted by muslimah20 View Post
                        That is just ridiculous, as someone else said here before that the Prophet pbuh did not have any sercret wives, if you have more than one wife then you are supposed to share your time equally between them so if he is staying at his second wifes house, what must he be telling his first wife where he actually is? I don't see how he can keep this a secret without lying which is haraam? I feel so sorry for his first wife she does not deserve the deceit, what a sad situation to be in when she finds out that her husband has married again without even telling her, clearly he does not love or respect his first wife, no loving husband would do such a thing. Whats also horrible is that his second wife knows that the first wife has no idea and she seems fine with this! As a woman she should be more understanding with how the first wife would feel, this is just pure selfishness. polygamy should be a respectful practise, it should not be abused in this way.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                          So when wife #1 asks her husband where he was last night, he doesn't tell her he was with wife#2. Knowing he will be busted, he says something else everytime. Therefore he is LYING.

                          Originally posted by Simply_Logical View Post
                          btw maybe he doesnt spend nights with wife number 2, maybe he sees her during the day, i dunno lol!

                          your saying lieing is haraam, which i dont disagree with,
                          but how do you know he is lieing to his wife?
                          only allah knows whether he is or not.

                          your just assuming.
                          Last edited by bint begum; 19-11-11, 11:09 PM. Reason: Spelling

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                          • #28
                            Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                            Originally posted by bint begum View Post
                            So when wife #1 asks her husband where he was last night, he doesn't tell her he was with wife#2 because he knows he will be busted so he says something else evertime. Therefore he is LYING.
                            think your getting the wrong of the stick,
                            im not justifying any sort of lieing,
                            im just saying we dont know the in's and the out's, only allah knows

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                            • #29
                              Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                              Originally posted by Simply_Logical View Post
                              but how do you know he is lieing to his wife?
                              only allah knows whether he is or not.

                              your just assuming.
                              I really doubt that he doesn't lie to her about his whereabouts, come on, he lives with her she must ask where he goes, he must make up some excuses (which is still lying in my book) because not lying to her would be him saying "Darling, just popping out for some milk, oh and er... Will stop by Mrs Khan number 2 on the way... Don't wait up, give the kids a kiss for me"...

                              Thus she would know about her, but as the OP has stated, Wife number 1 hasn't a clue.

                              OP, If you know that he has pulled this off without lying to his wife, please tell us how he did it...

                              Also, is withholding the truth equal to lying?
                              Last edited by M.A.K.; 19-11-11, 11:12 PM.

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                              • #30
                                Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                                We're talking about a wife who doesn't know about her husband having a 2nd wife. If the first wife is unaware and asks where her husband is and he doesn't admit the truth and the wife is still unaware, then it implies he's lying.

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