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  • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

    Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
    insha Allah. Well thats going to be some task, its one thing to sit and discuss the issue and give a woman the chance to get her round it, but to say you already did it some time ago with a woman at work.. and never said a word.. :s i dont fancy his chances to be honest.

    the his first wife is probably going to hate the 2nd for being so sneaky and not having a chat with her first, after all its a husband ur sharing not a car ( sharing a car would probably have been given more care and consideration, and involved more discussion)
    Yeah, he'll get his a** handed to him on a broken plate, but its gotta be done I guess.
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    • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

      what a mess. Allah grant the first wife sabr and sakinah amin. i feel so sorry for her. being lied to is never easy to deal with.
      "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

      The Prophet :saw: said:

      "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

      muslim

      Narrated 'Abdullah:

      The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


      "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

      By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

      [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

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      • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

        Originally posted by Bugz View Post
        Oi, qurbani is over, but I there's always time for one more bakrah...
        :)
        صلى الله على حبيبه محمد و على آله و أصحابه و سلم
        Al-Muslimeen

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        • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

          Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
          what a mess. Allah grant the first wife sabr and sakinah amin. i feel so sorry for her. being lied to is never easy to deal with.
          Oi, I'm more worried about the guy, I hope it's going to be quick and painless, I have a really sharp knife I used for bakrah eid, I'm prepared to hire at a reasonable fee.

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          • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

            awkward situation :s
            There is no such thing as an Israel,
            It is occupied-palestine


            Should the Jews have been given a homeland?

            YES...........in germany,

            the world should have given the jews germany as payment for the holocaust

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            • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

              The problem with polygyny, for me, is when the man decides he wants a second wife and he already knows who.

              If my husband approached me and said, honey, you're over 30, we haven't had kids, I want a family, but I love you. What do you think about a polygynous marriage?

              I would be fairly open to talking about it. I might even try to help him find someone.

              But if he said, honey, I met this girl, and she's 22, and I want to marry her, so I can have more children than I am likely to have with you. What do you think?

              I would be hurt and bitter and angry. Because to me, it would show that it's not so much about the children, or anything else, but lust. And no one on earth is going to feel good about their spouse lusting after someone else.

              I might be wrong in my thinking, but that's how I would feel.

              As for keeping secrets: Not a good policy. Honesty builds trust and you can't have a marriage without trust. I believe in transparency in marriage: I tell my husband where I'm going any time I leave the apt. If anything even remotely suspicious happens, I tell him. For example, a guy trying to sell me a ticket to an event is not wrong, but to someone who sees the exchange but doesn't hear it, it might be perceived in a bad light. To prevent any hard feelings, I tell my husband immediately, so he doesn't hear it from someone else.

              I can't even begin to imagine how I would feel if a friend or neighbour told me my husband was married to another woman and I didn't know about it, subhanAllah.
              "Do not let your hatred of a people incite you to aggression." Qur'an 5:2

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              • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
                they had to return every few months to their families, and in the time of the prophet :saw: they often took their wives with them, when the prophet :saw: travelled he drew lots to take 4 of his wives with him out of the 11. when the women were left behind, they were not left without a man to assist and protect them.



                huh ? :scratch: suicide is haram.
                I can't remember the phrase but I remember hearing when Abu Bakr (ra) became the Caliph and tribes apostated, Usama (ra) sent Umar (ra) to Caliph Abu Bakr (ra)to ask him to permit the army to remain at Medina because the kuffar were on the outskirts ready to attack Madina.

                Abu Bakr (ra) sent nearly all the men out, there were very few left behind.

                In fact I remember plenty of other situations where hardly any men were left behind.

                My point was in reply to the sister who said that she would be neglected.
                What constitutes neglect?
                Hadith, Fiqh and Tafsir Scholarship
                http://www.al-salam.co.uk/[B][COLOR="#006400"]

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                • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                  Originally posted by Bint-Al-Islam View Post
                  (say) i give up my whole life for him and I'm willing to do that once i get married. I give up everything i want and desire so i can look after the children and house, and you telling me is OK and acceptable that he goes away for days on end leading another life and consequently neglecting me and the children.

                  i cant debate with you guys, most of you here living in the fantasy world or so pretend to do so.
                  Reality is whole different.
                  Where on earth did I say it's ok or acceptable?

                  If you actually read my post above the one you quoted then you would have seen me disapprove of men marrying in secret a second wife. If he can't bring himself to tell his wife he's marrying again then it raises the question if he is actually fit to manage two marriages.

                  However him doing something wrong does not mean you can do something wrong. That's like saying 'he broke my wing mirror so I'll throw a brick through his window'. And the action you suggested of throwing Islam behind your back and running to the laws of the kuffar wasn't simply bad, it was next level stuff.

                  60. Have you seen those (hyprocrites) who claim that they believe in that which has been sent down to you, and that which was sent down before you, and they wish to go for judgement (in their disputes) to the Taghut (false judges, etc.) while they have been ordered to reject them. But Shaitan (Satan) wishes to lead them far astray. [Surah An-Nisa]

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                  • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                    Originally posted by Ebony View Post
                    The mistress wants to halalify her haram relationship by marrying her lover (who is already married). And his wife doesnt know he's been having an affair.

                    Sheesh. Any guesses what the wife will do to him and his mistress...

                    So now we talk about fulfilling rights when it comes to him taking a 2nd wife - where was his Islam before when he was gallavanting with his mistress?
                    I know the above seems harsh, but this is the way it seems to go nowadays... No wonder Sisters can't trust men when it comes to polygyny.

                    The fact is, the Brother's partners with this woman in business... errr, where did minimal contact with women go? He's known her for years? I'm sorry, but if I was the first wife, I'd be a total wreck over this just because of all this contact he's most likely been having with her. Its highly inappropriate.

                    I could never do this to another woman, either. She knew he was married! Actually, the simple "no no" point for me is this - I wouldn't become business partners with a man. If I ever needed to do this, I'd make one of my brothers or someone deal with it. The Sister might have done this, but the posts regarding how they came to get to know each other suggests otherwise.

                    Originally posted by Juvegirl View Post
                    I would be hurt and bitter and angry. Because to me, it would show that it's not so much about the children, or anything else, but lust. And no one on earth is going to feel good about their spouse lusting after someone else.
                    I couldn't agree more with everything you wrote excluding the above, masha'Allah. Where does the specifically emphasised (and many times, at that) Sunnah of the best Muslim being the one who treats his wife with kindness go here? Polygyny is not an emphasised Sunnah, and the greater Sunnah is that of treating your wife well.

                    If these Muslim men want to practise what Allah has made permissible (i.e. it is something permissible, not emphasised), there is absolutely nothing wrong with that; and honestly, I'm sure there are Brothers who can manage this quite well. However, they must first research and understand what is required of them in choosing to practise polygyny; and then, if they feel they can manage it, then I wish them all the best. This is because, such Brothers would already know how to treat their first wife and be treating her well already, before even thinking about another wife.

                    Regarding the quoted part above, its got a lot to do with adhaab. It may happen that a Brother hears of so and so, and on seeing her, thinks he'd like to marry her - that's fine, its perfectly fine to have thought she looks well. He can marry her. Its when he spends time with her in a haraam manner, or more specifically, entertains haraam thoughts about her that it's disgusting. Any honest, Allah-fearing, Muslim man, would fear that which makes him do haraam. He'd avoid these things, not give into his nafs and commit haraam acts. Back to the point - a man can marry another woman just because he is attracted to her, because he wants to marry her. However, the best Muslims are the ones who remember Allah and their responsibilities as a Muslim to themselves and those around them before following their nafs into doing things without thinking. I'm not suggesting this is the case with the Brother mentioned in the OP, but this is how it seems to go... If a man felt he was behaving thoroughly honourably, he wouldn't feel the need to keep a secret wife.

                    Furthermore, I pity the woman who is fine with being a secret. She should have some respect for herself.
                    Last edited by Soliloquy; 21-11-11, 06:44 PM.
                    Ya Muqallib al-Quloob, thabbit qalbi 'alaa Deenik
                    O' Converter of Hearts, make my heart steadfast upon Thy Way
                    We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

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                    • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                      Originally posted by Soliloquy View Post
                      ...its got a lot to do with adhaab. It may happen that a Brother hears of so and so, and on seeing her, thinks he'd like to marry her - that's fine, its perfectly fine to have thought she looks well. He can marry her...
                      I'm sure you're right. But it wouldn't change how I would feel about it. I couldn't help but feel that it was because he didn't find me attractive or sufficient or whatever else. And women tend to put everything into their marriages, literally everything. So for someone to say, eh, I heard of this other girl and it got me thinking, I'd really like someone like her... well that would sting.

                      Whereas, if my husband had some complaint (and I'm sure he could bring some, I'm not a perfect wife) and wanted a second wife on account of it, or simply that he wanted a second wife for no reason other than he wanted one, and he told me so, THEN went out looking for her...well it just wouldn't hurt as much as him finding someone new without my even knowing he was thinking about it.

                      By no means am I saying this is the correct method islamically, but it would be the kindest method for me.

                      I'm not really against polygyny, and under the right set of circumstances, would likely accept it as a first or additional wife. But I have my own feelings too, whether or not they are strictly inside the lines of Islam.

                      I think it would be hard for almost any woman to believe it came about innocently, these days.
                      "Do not let your hatred of a people incite you to aggression." Qur'an 5:2

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                      • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                        Originally posted by *~ Shrinking Violet ~* View Post
                        :masha:!! May Allah grant the brother Jannat.
                        Ameen.

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                        • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                          Originally posted by AbuIbraheem. View Post
                          I think it is a consensus that it is okay for a man to have a second wife as long as he does things properly and according to the Sunnah.

                          If you cannot accept what Allah (swt) has legislated and want to prefer the man made law that allows you to take his wealth then you need to question why you are here on earth and what is your purpose.

                          Many of the Sahabah had 4 wives and used to go for months on end for Jihad expeditions. Does your criticism extend to them too?

                          If your reference point is wrong, your answer will always be wrong.
                          this is the problem. (Bold) most men who marry for the second time or have more than one family cannot and DONT! do things properly according to Sunnah, these days. that's the sad reality.
                          I am not against Polygamy of any sort, in fact my previous posts regarding this matter would proof so. I'm just against men who use what Allah made halal as an excuse to do wrong. Men who marry more than once and don't treat their wives equally.
                          “This day I have perfected your religion for you,completed My Favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion.” [5:3]"I have created the jinns and the humans solely to worship Me."[51:56]"a woman's heart should be lost in God, that a man needs to see him in order to find her"

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                          • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                            Pretty much what I'm saying, but in context of the OP, since the woman and her wali are UNINFORMED of the first wife, it is not zina for her because her intention is clean.

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                            • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                              Originally posted by Soliloquy View Post
                              The fact is, the Brother's partners with this woman in business... errr, where did minimal contact with women go? He's known her for years? I'm sorry, but if I was the first wife, I'd be a total wreck over this just because of all this contact he's most likely been having with her. Its highly inappropriate.

                              Actually, the simple "no no" point for me is this - I wouldn't become business partners with a man. If I ever needed to do this, I'd make one of my brothers or someone deal with it.
                              True.

                              Originally posted by Maryam Ali View Post
                              If he really loved his first wife, he wouldn't have deceived her in the first place. He must have committed adultery before making his second relationship halal. Your friend is lustful in my opinion. Tell him to kill himself before he gets killed. Maybe his first wife wouldn't careless, who know, he's probably not even worthy of her.
                              Sister, please refrain from making assumptions. Also, ur view that the brother should 'kill himself' is highly inappropriate. After reading this comment of urs, if it tipped him over the edge n Allah forbid he actually did so, then some of that blood would lie on ur hands n ud b accountable on the Day of Judgement. Please do Tauba for making this comment...
                              Allah's Messenger :saw: said: "Allah the Exalted said: I live in the thought of My servant and I am with him as he remembers Me. When he draws near Me by the span of his hand, I draw near him by the length of a cubit, and when he draws near Me by the length of a cubit, I draw near him by the length of a fathom, and when he draws near Me walking I draw close to him running." (Al-Bukhari)

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                              • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                                Originally posted by Bint-Al-Islam View Post
                                this is the problem. (Bold) most men who marry for the second time or have more than one family cannot and DONT! do things properly according to Sunnah, these days. that's the sad reality.
                                I am not against Polygamy of any sort, in fact my previous posts regarding this matter would proof so. I'm just against men who use what Allah made halal as an excuse to do wrong. Men who marry more than once and don't treat their wives equally.
                                Allah (swt) did not give women the right to kick their husbands out on the street and steal their wealth and deny them access to their kids.
                                In fact everyone agrees that this is Haraam - yet you said you would do it and so many Muslim women in the UK do it.
                                Now you are criticising people for not following the Sunnah, not following the Sunnah is not as bad as the huge sins described above.
                                Hadith, Fiqh and Tafsir Scholarship
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