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You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

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  • You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

    Sisters views on this would be helpful. Was having a convo recently with my sisters when one of my sisters regarding marriage stated that you don't only marry the man you 'marry the family' which to a certain extent I agree with. However my sis was adamant that even if you find that the brother is what your looking for but don't really say 'like' the mother in law or the family it should be a no. However i don't agree with her on this...

    Any sisters already married your views?

  • #2
    Re: You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

    hmmm. its true in some cultures only. and even in those cultures it doesnt necessarily apply to everyone 100%.
    if you don't like your mil and the family, its probably best to see how traditional they are (in the living together sense)
    at the end of the day, if they are the type of family to do everything together then one day children insha allah will also be a part of this huge family. if the inlaws are not religious/practicing then you may want to consider how it may influence them. also, (again, depending on your culture) if your inlaws are the type to live together then you will be expected to do the same. if not live in the same house, at least to visit often and have family get togethers, etc.
    of course, its not an obligation but speaking realistically if thats the type of family you marry into, thats usually what ends up happening.
    i, for e.g. am married and my hubby has 3 bros. every bro has their own house with kids, and i have own house too, with MIL and FIL (theyr veryyyy old)
    still, everybody visits each others houses alll the time, every other day, kids are always in and out of all the houses (we live close by)...constantly get phone calls from SILs. even though everyone has their own house, its still one giant family where everybody ALWAYS knows what someone else is doing. theres no privacy.

    so it IS a good idea to have a general impression of your in-laws before you get married. depending on the circumstances it may even be better to say no to a potential spouse because of his family.
    BUT, because at the end of the day, a husband is much more important to her wife than her in-laws, you MUST consider his deeni qualities.

    i think youve already given the view most people will give in you first post.( that it is true to an extent)

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    • #3
      Re: You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

      Originally posted by *sister* View Post
      Sisters views on this would be helpful. Was having a convo recently with my sisters when one of my sisters regarding marriage stated that you don't only marry the man you 'marry the family' which to a certain extent I agree with. However my sis was adamant that even if you find that the brother is what your looking for but don't really say 'like' the mother in law or the family it should be a no. However i don't agree with her on this...

      Any sisters already married your views?
      Sometimes this is true, it depends on the man really,some men have there family be a big part of there married life and some men dont at all. Some men want to live among family and some want there own house with there wives.

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      • #4
        Re: You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

        Also consider if the in laws, especially mother in law is the type to be causing problems in your life. If they will hold something against you just because you married their son, also try to influence all the decision you have to make, etc, etc. I've heard some really bad in law stories that nearly drove the wife to ask for divorce.
        Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

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        • #5
          Re: You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

          Actually most divorces are due to meddling in laws. Be careful

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          • #6
            Re: You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

            Depends on the distance if you live in different countries or different major cities i don't see any reason to be a afraid of anything. On the flip side if they live close by and interaction is more frequent than usual than the relationship with near and distance familly should be strong to live a healthy lifestyle.
            Everyone thinks their a scholar because they know how to copy and paste, you get your ummah face on and the second you log out, you know your reality. Anyone can attain knowledge, how many can implement it?

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            • #7
              Re: You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

              you can live in the same house or on the other side of the world - but if the in laws are the type to meddle. They will.

              But it all depends on the husband - some are better than drawing the line and minimizing meddling than others. And this is something you will only find out after marriage.
              https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

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              • #8
                Re: You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

                ^ Agree with this.

                If the husband and wife try to make the best of the situation, then it can work. Respect everyones rights, and if someone does not return your rights, then leave them to it and forgive. Don't demand. Most of the time to former works wonders while the latter just makes things ugly.

                (before anyone misunderstands :p, the last part was about mother in law/ daughter in law, not husband/wife. Although husbands and wives should sacrifice for each other as well.)
                There is light at the end of the tunnel... but only if you wish to see it

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                • #9
                  Re: You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

                  Depends on the brother.... I would always ask a prospective husband how much influence his family members have on him and how much he thinks for himself. Obviously if he is a bit of a sheep... you don't want to go there.

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                  • #10
                    Re: You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

                    If you are desi, you marry the entire extended family as well as the man.
                    You are not aware of the consequences that would result (if you were granted what you desire) because what you seek might be to your detriment. (O soul) be conscious that your Master is more aware about your well-being than you are.

                    ~Ibn Al-Jawzee

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                    • #11
                      Re: You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

                      Originally posted by Ebony View Post
                      If you are desi, you marry the entire extended family as well as the man.
                      Desi women have a terrible quality of life due to this stupid mentality.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

                        remember this desi moulvi's advicing desi women to remember the rights of husband over them, plus the rights of husbands family and extended family over them. non-nonsensical stuff like that
                        "They are Shuhadaa (witnesses) to the fact that this Deen is greater than life, that values are more important than blood and that principles are more precious than souls" - Sheikh 'Abdullah Azzam

                        Lost in Islamic History :inlove:

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                        • #13
                          Re: You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

                          Originally posted by *sister* View Post
                          Sisters views on this would be helpful. Was having a convo recently with my sisters when one of my sisters regarding marriage stated that you don't only marry the man you 'marry the family' which to a certain extent I agree with. However my sis was adamant that even if you find that the brother is what your looking for but don't really say 'like' the mother in law or the family it should be a no. However i don't agree with her on this...

                          Any sisters already married your views?
                          i dont agree either, u marry and u make a new family with your husband, doesnt matter if u like ur family or ur husbands family or not, theyre there, we uphold ties of kinship and Allah ta ala says we will be tested our families, so masha Allah just do as the prophet :saw: said, that a walli should marry the muslim women to a man of good character and deen if he proposes or there will be great fitnah on the earth.

                          he :saw: didnt say if u dont like his mum then forget it.
                          "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

                          The Prophet :saw: said:

                          "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

                          muslim

                          Narrated 'Abdullah:

                          The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


                          "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

                          By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

                          [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

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                          • #14
                            Re: You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

                            Agree with this post alhamdullilah. Nowadays it's hard to find a decent guy who follows the deen- if u have that then hopefully that will create a strong enough foundation for the couple.
                            *~* Learn Patience from Aasiyah (RA); Loyalty from Khadhija (RA); Sincerity from Aisha (RA) and Steadfastness from Fatima (RA).*~*

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                            • #15
                              Re: You don't only marry the man you 'marry the family'

                              depends on the norms of the family, and depends on husbands personality. say if you didnt like his mum and mum was quite interfering, is he the type to stand up for his wife so a better relationship can be formed where they all respect each other, or is he the type to just sit quiet and stay out of it, while they have problems between each other or while the mil keeps insulting the wife or whatever else?? if he is the 2nd type and you feel his family would not treat you properly, then it should be a no.. but if he will stand up for his wife eg getting a seperate place to live if necessary, then it should work out fine?
                              you dont marry the family but do also need to be realistic that they will be in your life and will see them regularly, and also part of your children's lifes, so it is best to get on with them. however it helps if they do realise that marriage is between the 2 of you, so decisions can be made by the couple themselves and that inlaws should not run their lives or decide details of how they live as a married couple. that is what becomes a problem if the inlaws feel they have right over the wife to tell her what to do, more than her husband has.
                              also bear in mind if you have difficulties with family at the start, the longer ur married and more u get 2 kno each other it should improve anyway? like any relationship it can take a bit of effort and getting to know each other til it will be all good from both sides so if its a good husband would not necessarily just rule out the option straight away because your not sure how will things be with family?
                              .: Rufaida :.
                              .:Fa Firroo Ila-llaah:.
                              http://s61.photobucket.com/albums/h6...th_Silence.jpg
                              “People praise you for what they suppose is in you,
                              but you must blame your soul for what you know is in you.”
                              ~ Ibn Atallah

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