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If you can't Love

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  • If you can't Love

    What if you get arranged married and just don't fall in love with the person that you marry, is it sinful? are you violating the right of your spouse?

    You will be taking care of all their needs as any good husband/wife but you just don't love them, well atleast not the way that most people think they should be loved. Is taking care of all their needs an indication of love?

  • #2
    Re: If you can't Love

    It Depends Love Grows, And It Comes So Dont Be Fooled By These Media Attempts Like Movies And Stories Thats It Is All Butterflies And Heart Renches.


    Newly Weds Should Just Be Getting To know Each Other. As Its the First Time You Get To Do Certin Things Like Go Out In Public, You Cook and Clean For Them Learn Their Habits.

    Dont Stress :insha: It Comes
    And He found you lost and guided you,
    ~ Qur'an (Ad Duhaa) 93:7 ~

    Salaah Reminders

    Guide us to the straight pain.
    " Ihdina-s-sirata-l-mustaqim "
    ~ Quran 1:6 ~

    الله أعلم

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    • #3
      Re: If you can't Love

      Originally posted by zdc View Post
      What if you get arranged married and just don't fall in love with the person that you marry, is it sinful? are you violating the right of your spouse?

      You will be taking care of all their needs as any good husband/wife but you just don't love them, well atleast not the way that most people think they should be loved. Is taking care of all their needs an indication of love?
      I know a guy who feels this exact way. He was 12 yrs older than me at the time, he said he's been married a few years it was arranged, they have 3 kids, he cares for his family a lot, but he cannot find a way to love his wife.

      I asked why do you stay married then? He said, it's easy to pretend to love a woman and stay in the marriage than to leave and not be with the kids. He also said, his wife is perfect in every way, a good mother and a loyal wife. However one thing no one has control over is human emotion.

      He said he'll stay with his wife all his life simply because she's a good Muslim woman, but not because he loves her. I think there is no sin, I don't think this is common though. Most marriages end up in failure if one doesn't love the other. I think also this scenario is only possible with the husband, I don't think women are capable of going through a life like that.

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      • #4
        Re: If you can't Love

        I agree with this ^^^^

        What i find to be a fairytale and actually worst than Hollywood or Bollywood movies is to believe that automatically love will grow between spouses. Either it's there either it's not. It's a lie to assert "it will come with time" with everybody. You can stay 100 years with someone without loving him/her. Now if it is not an expectation from any spouse, i guess it can be fine otherwise...
        I don't believe it is sinful but it must be kind of horrible.
        My Blog http://historyeyesopened.tumblr.com/ Watch out sister Nousername
        Ummah forum mentality depiction by BBC (warning) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w

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        • #5
          Re: If you can't Love

          Originally posted by johnfisher View Post
          I know a guy who feels this exact way. He was 12 yrs older than me at the time, he said he's been married a few years it was arranged, they have 3 kids, he cares for his family a lot, but he cannot find a way to love his wife.

          I asked why do you stay married then? He said, it's easy to pretend to love a woman and stay in the marriage than to leave and not be with the kids. He also said, his wife is perfect in every way, a good mother and a loyal wife. However one thing no one has control over is human emotion.

          He said he'll stay with his wife all his life simply because she's a good Muslim woman, but not because he loves her. I think there is no sin, I don't think this is common though. Most marriages end up in failure if one doesn't love the other. I think also this scenario is only possible with the husband, I don't think women are capable of going through a life like that.
          Funnily... I think these are the marriages that work. I think the notion of love we have might be flawed. If two people work really well as a team/partners, that in itself is pretty amazing. Basically there is not need for him to leave her other than for this "feeling"... and what garauntee is there he will find it with someone else? Then again, how does he know he does not love her? Particularly if this man is religious and has never fallen in love in the past... how can he be so sure? I'm sure he loves her as his wife, rather than in that passionate Romeo and Juliet style. The couples who say they love eachother often eventually leave eachother due to their differences as they can't work in a team.

          I should take heed to my own words though as one of my major fears of marriage is not being able to love my spouse.

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          • #6
            Re: If you can't Love

            Originally posted by johnfisher View Post
            I know a guy who feels this exact way. He was 12 yrs older than me at the time, he said he's been married a few years it was arranged, they have 3 kids, he cares for his family a lot, but he cannot find a way to love his wife.

            I asked why do you stay married then? He said, it's easy to pretend to love a woman and stay in the marriage than to leave and not be with the kids. He also said, his wife is perfect in every way, a good mother and a loyal wife. However one thing no one has control over is human emotion.

            He said he'll stay with his wife all his life simply because she's a good Muslim woman, but not because he loves her. I think there is no sin, I don't think this is common though. Most marriages end up in failure if one doesn't love the other. I think also this scenario is only possible with the husband, I don't think women are capable of going through a life like that.
            My situation is somewhat similar, married for quite a while now. Pretending is tough though, women have a kinda 6th sense, they can feel you are not entirely speaking the truth. However I guess as long as you don't confirm that truth there will only be a doubt but nothing concrete. Just convince them and carry on life.

            Well I guess it's just about adding another one to the list of life's challenges...

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            • #7
              Re: If you can't Love

              No need to hurt her feelings if you don't love her, you can still act like you do (if you intend to stay with her your whole life). It shouldn't be that hard unless you completely hate her in which case I doubt you'd be together. She must have some good points you love, try and work on it at least.

              Showing your wife love will get you reward as does any kindness you do towards her, so love her for the sake of Allah as that's the only love that counts.

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              • #8
                Re: If you can't Love

                Originally posted by x--x View Post
                No need to hurt her feelings if you don't love her, you can still act like you do (if you intend to stay with her your whole life). It shouldn't be that hard unless you completely hate her in which case I doubt you'd be together. She must have some good points you love, try and work on it at least.

                Showing your wife love will get you reward as does any kindness you do towards her, so love her for the sake of Allah as that's the only love that counts.
                I try my best, but I feel so bad, it's like I am deceiving her or something. No I don't hate her, it's just that she expects me to be all "head over heels" for her and I am just not like that. Often she will say things like I know you don't love me, and I will just try to ignore it or try to convince her that I do. It's just a beeg drama every now and then.

                I appreciate all the responses.

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                • #9
                  Re: If you can't Love

                  You love her or love him for the sake of Allah swt because Allah swt in his infinite wisdom decreed that person to be your spouse, and that can only be goodness inshaallah.

                  You make abundant dua to Allah swt to bless the marriage in mawaddah and rahmah that He mentions in the quran.

                  Love is only one aspect of a successful marriage.

                  Marriage is a training ground for your own nafs, and not only do your grow as individuals but also as a couple.

                  Love can take different forms and is manifest in different ways....its not all about flowers and chocolate, although it does help. It's more about rolling your sleeves and getting stuck right in.
                  وَالْعَصْرِ

                  إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

                  إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

                  "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

                  "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

                  Khanqah Habibiyah

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                  • #10
                    Re: If you can't Love

                    If I remember correctly, Alee ibn Abi Taalib radiAllaahu'an said as an advice:

                    Marry your daughters to God fearing men, if he loves her he will honour her, and if he hates her he will not harm her

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                    • #11
                      Re: If you can't Love

                      Originally posted by ImaMuslim View Post
                      If I remember correctly, Alee ibn Abi Taalib radiAllaahu'an said as an advice:

                      Marry your daughters to God fearing men, if he loves her he will honour her, and if he hates her he will not harm her
                      I'm thought it was ameer ul mumineen umar r.a. that said that ?
                      وَالْعَصْرِ

                      إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

                      إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

                      "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

                      "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

                      Khanqah Habibiyah

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                      • #12
                        Re: If you can't Love

                        Fulfilling each others rights is more important than love.

                        I think most marriages in our parents generation were based on just getting on, fulfilling each others rights etc and they had less divorces than we do.

                        Having said that, if your are ticking all the boxes as a Muslim husband, why would your wife not be feeling loved?
                        https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

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                        • #13
                          Re: If you can't Love

                          What if you get arranged married and just don't fall in love with the person that you marry, is it sinful? are you violating the right of your spouse?
                          i don't think it's sinful because people don't really have control over their emotions? and nor can they be forced to feel something they don't?

                          You will be taking care of all their needs as any good husband/wife but you just don't love them, well atleast not the way that most people think they should be loved. Is taking care of all their needs an indication of love?
                          you know, there are so many shades to love..you may think it's not but to her it may be an act of kindness and love
                          sigpic

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                          • #14
                            Re: If you can't Love

                            :salams

                            Bro, it's kind of strange to know that love won't come between a husband and a spouse after years of marriage. Even though I won't know about it until I'm married, but I think you might be mistaken about the whole idea of love.

                            I really think you two should spend a lot of time toether (if you are not already). Just make yourself available to her for, not only for intimate reasons, but even just to talk about anything she wants to. Sit and give her your full attention and just conversate.

                            Rasulullah :saw: used to kiss his wives before leaving the home? Are you up for that Sunnah? Eating from the same side of the plate? Giving her gifts unexpectedly? Praising and complimenting her randomly? Doing activities with her where you both work together? Read Quran, salah together. Go over the top to take care of her, esp. when she's sick. Try your best to look good/smell good for her. Do these things with happiness and a smile, because even if you aren't getting much out of it(though, you should) at least your wife will be happy.

                            Most importantly, make Dua'a that Allah puts love between you two. Allah can melt even the hardest heart. You never know when you might fall for her.

                            In the end, even if you don't feel for her, it's enough that she loves you. That should keep you striving for the best to please her and be a good Muslim husband.

                            May Allah put abundant love between you both and bless your marriage.
                            Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                            "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                            - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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                            • #15
                              Re: If you can't Love

                              Originally posted by zdc View Post
                              I try my best, but I feel so bad, it's like I am deceiving her or something. No I don't hate her, it's just that she expects me to be all "head over heels" for her and I am just not like that.
                              Not just you, I think most men aren't like that.

                              Often she will say things like I know you don't love me, and I will just try to ignore it or try to convince her that I do. It's just a beeg drama every now and then.

                              I appreciate all the responses.
                              Get with the program... they all say like that, especially the generation of today..... they say either that... or they ask you 'do you love me? do you miss me?' lol... sometimes it drives you up the wall...

                              But my experience of being married for 2 years is that, yes love does increases between spouses, when you see how your other half strives and makes effort to please you, how they care about you and do things for you etc. Little things appeal you and you begin to realize about the care and affection you get from your wife.

                              Men are not good at showing affection. However, it doesn't mean you don't care or you don't love. Not all men are romeo and women also need to realize that.
                              لا أريد مِنْكُمْ جَزَاء وَلا شُكُورًا

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