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  • Controlling Others

    i don't understand why anyone want to control someone.

    and I'm here to get your prospective of it.

    why is it that, in terms of marriage. this is about marriage btw, people like control others?
    it doesn't matter whether they have the power or the right to, but why would anyone want to control anyone?

    I'm not having go at the Muslim brothers. but sisters too, who are controlling over their husbands.

    what do these people get out of it? anyone think is good for the marriage; to control your partner?

    in my culture some women are very controlling. they controlling what their husbands do. they take their bank cards, control their finance. even when going abroad they control how much money they should take, making sure that he doesn't take the lot, go off meet a beautiful girl and go of with her.

    i hear Arab and Pakistani men are very controlling over their wives. even willing to do things that are not Islamic, just so they can have control of their wives.


    what will one get out of it if they control- (extreme sense) the one person they supposed to love and spend the rest of their life with?
    what makes some people control freaks? how can a Muslim couple avoid such situation?

    your ideas will be appreciated.
    “This day I have perfected your religion for you,completed My Favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion.” [5:3]"I have created the jinns and the humans solely to worship Me."[51:56]"a woman's heart should be lost in God, that a man needs to see him in order to find her"

  • #2
    Re: Controlling Others

    Never did get this.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Controlling Others

      depends what you mean by control. If a guy tells his mrs no about a certain thing and she disobeys him and he is upset by that, does it make him a control freak? What about if he tells her to do something and she doesn't and he gets upset, is he controlling then? I can't speak for other cultures but in ours if a man tells his woman, especially infront of people to do/not do summat and she disobeys then others will think that he can't control his woman.

      As for women controlling men, they're unnatural but unfortunately oh so common. What many women fail to understand is that there's a difference between them controlling the man and the man being forbearing; and women should be careful in this regard because if they push it too far he'll sort the problem once and for all and then she'll sit and cry because of her own foolishness.
      Rajab is a month of cultivation, Shaban is month of irrigating the fields, and the month of Ramadhan is a month of reaping and harvesting.”

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Controlling Others

        who wants to control?...

        i dont want to get into 10 pages of nonsense again.... you can read the other threads for that...

        dont mistake obidience for control... please... when a women is expected to be obidient to her husband... it doesnt mean he can treat her like dirt and nor does that responsibility allow him to do that.

        This thread will always would come from a sister... i can assure you, i know you wrote brothers and sisters too.... but i can guarantee everyone, and majority of sisters have problem with having to be obidient to someone when they are married... no doubt... you can say no how much you want.... these threads will always be started by females, questioning controlling and so on, coz its the responsibilty that has been given to the man.....

        lets leave all non-islamic practices out of this thread... and lets leave out culture please... we talk from an islamic perspective.... and go from that... ive said it many times.. let forget what this family and that family is doing in our community, and how this man is controlling his wife and how that wife is not listening to her husband.

        Arab and pakistan are more controlling in relation to what other culture?... the fact that a wife may not be able to leave house without his permission?.... or she may not be allowed to work ?... or what?.... we can say western culture have no control whatsoever of their wives.. coz the wives are allowed to roam the streets when they want, where they want, do what they want and how they want to do it.

        These constant threads in nearly every section about women... go check up general, lifestyle and this section of the forum... a lot about women... and question yourself why.... are you sister looking for a way out?... easier way?... loop holes?....

        simple thing is... go to those knowlegable and ask them what and how a marriage should be run..... we have way to many threads on how muslim women are not being given their rights, because they are not allowed to study or work... thats not oppressive...


        i dont want to make a debate out of it... if it becomes one, there is a thread not to long ago which you can read through.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Controlling Others

          Originally posted by Medievalist View Post
          depends what you mean by control. If a guy tells his mrs no about a certain thing and she disobeys him and he is upset by that, does it make him a control freak? What about if he tells her to do something and she doesn't and he gets upset, is he controlling then? I can't speak for other cultures but in ours if a man tells his woman, especially infront of people to do/not do summat and she disobeys then others will think that he can't control his woman.

          As for women controlling men, they're unnatural but unfortunately oh so common. What many women fail to understand is that there's a difference between them controlling the man and the man being forbearing; and women should be careful in this regard because if they push it too far he'll sort the problem once and for all and then she'll sit and cry because of her own foolishness.
          thats just it though. why does he need to show people he can/cant control his wife?
          why does he need to show anything to people. is all about pride and making yourself out to be something you not.
          is not Islamic but just culture.
          “This day I have perfected your religion for you,completed My Favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion.” [5:3]"I have created the jinns and the humans solely to worship Me."[51:56]"a woman's heart should be lost in God, that a man needs to see him in order to find her"

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Controlling Others

            Originally posted by Bint-Al-Islam View Post
            thats just it though. why does he need to show people he can/cant control his wife?
            why does he need to show anything to people. is all about pride and making yourself out to be something you not.
            is not Islamic but just culture.
            that's your own tuppence added. I didn't say anything about a man telling a woman to do something infront of people to display his control and it says a lot that you think that's what I was saying. I don't know if your married, but married people do talk to each other infront of people and a husband may well say to his mrs infront of people- can you make me some tea/ don't give the kids chocolates now etc. it's pretty normal. if he says such and such and she blatantly ignores him, she's basically shamed him and sooner or later she'll probably have to pay for it.
            Rajab is a month of cultivation, Shaban is month of irrigating the fields, and the month of Ramadhan is a month of reaping and harvesting.”

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Controlling Others

              :salams

              Originally posted by Bint-Al-Islam View Post
              in my culture some women are very controlling. they controlling what their husbands do. they take their bank cards, control their finance. even when going abroad they control how much money they should take, making sure that he doesn't take the lot, go off meet a beautiful girl and go of with her.
              That's just unIslamic.
              It's husband's responsibility to take care of the finance, so I blame the husbands in these cases. They should take control of it. It's not like the wife will attack them or something.

              Go off meet a beautiful girl?
              Lack of trust, love, understanding in the marriage, right there.


              i hear Arab and Pakistani men are very controlling over their wives. even willing to do things that are not Islamic, just so they can have control of their wives.
              That's the problem. When you go over the top and do stupid things, it means you lack the adab of treating your spouse in a proper Islamic manner.

              what will one get out of it if they control- (extreme sense) the one person they supposed to love and spend the rest of their life with?
              what makes some people control freaks?
              Maybe, they are just short tempered or something. Mental illness or childhood abuse could play a role, too.
              Though, some are just creeps and do it for fun.

              how can a Muslim couple avoid such situation?
              Marry someone down with the deen.
              But, maybe, there's no 100% solution. Even some pious people treat their spouses badly.
              Last edited by .mirror.; 14-06-11, 01:11 AM.
              Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

              "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
              - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Controlling Others

                may be for better management?

                a bit off topic but with Controlling Module (CO), one can easily analyze cost incurred and revenues generated, for reporting purposes
                لا أريد مِنْكُمْ جَزَاء وَلا شُكُورًا

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Controlling Others

                  What Med is saying has to do with respect, in my opinion.

                  If a wife blatantly ignores her husband in front of others without giving a reason, that just shows she doesn't respect him.
                  Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                  "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                  - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Controlling Others

                    For men, feeling respected is even more important than feeling loved. When a wife is disobediant, that translates to she doesn't trust his judgement, doesn't trust his competence, etc. etc. ( Even if she in no way meant for it to come off like that). Respect is so important to men, that they are actually very depressed and feel like they are failing when they don't get it. Just as we as women want to feel loved when when we know we didn't act loveable sometimes, men want to be obeyed and respected even when they sometimes don't deserve it.
                    Fabi-ayyiala -i rabbikuma tukaththibani
                    Then which of the favors of your Lord will ye deny?
                    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr8DR8frP_s

                    You are not here just to fill space or to be a background character in someone else's movie. Consider this: nothing would be the same if you did not exist. Every place you have ever been and everyone you have ever spoken to would be different without you. We are all connected, and we are all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Controlling Others

                      Originally posted by nousername View Post
                      For men, feeling respected is even more important than feeling loved. When a wife is disobediant, that translates to she doesn't trust his judgement, doesn't trust his competence, etc. etc. ( Even if she in no way meant for it to come off like that). Respect is so important to men, that they are actually very depressed and feel like they are failing when they don't get it. Just as we as women want to feel loved when when we know we didn't act loveable sometimes, men want to be obeyed and respected even when they sometimes don't deserve it.
                      Summarizes from the psychological point of view very well.

                      You can only have one captain of the household and the leader gets to make the final decisions. He then has an adviser-to-the-captain who advises him. He can then allocate resources and responsibilities to his adviser.

                      If there's two captains then it's chaos. This organization would work if the captain wasn't tyrannical and had a social skill set to accommodate his adviser mentally and emotionally. All should be good to go then.

                      But then we know of men who want to dictate how many breaths his wife can take a minute...and that's when you get an intifada.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Controlling Others

                        Originally posted by Medievalist View Post
                        that's your own tuppence added. I didn't say anything about a man telling a woman to do something infront of people to display his control and it says a lot that you think that's what I was saying. I don't know if your married, but married people do talk to each other infront of people and a husband may well say to his mrs infront of people- can you make me some tea/ don't give the kids chocolates now etc. it's pretty normal. if he says such and such and she blatantly ignores him, she's basically shamed him and sooner or later she'll probably have to pay for it.
                        but you said
                        I can't speak for other cultures but in ours if a man tells his woman, especially infront of people to do/not do summat and she disobeys then others will think that he can't control his woman.
                        that can only show that men only care respect and what others think of them. is all about pride. have nothing to do with Islam or even being a good wife.
                        “This day I have perfected your religion for you,completed My Favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion.” [5:3]"I have created the jinns and the humans solely to worship Me."[51:56]"a woman's heart should be lost in God, that a man needs to see him in order to find her"

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Controlling Others

                          Originally posted by loonietoonie View Post
                          Summarizes from the psychological point of view very well.

                          You can only have one captain of the household and the leader gets to make the final decisions. He then has an adviser-to-the-captain who advises him. He can then allocate resources and responsibilities to his adviser.

                          If there's two captains then it's chaos. This organization would work if the captain wasn't tyrannical and had a social skill set to accommodate his adviser mentally and emotionally. All should be good to go then.

                          But then we know of men who want to dictate how many breaths his wife can take a minute...and that's when you get an intifada.
                          this is not about having a leader in the house. we all know that in order to have successful marriage we need a leader, co-leader, followers etc. the prophet pbuh did say if they are three of you (Muslims) meet, one has to be a leader. i don't quite remember the whole hadith. leadership among a good household is important.
                          but we also know that we can have good/successful marriage without being control freaks.
                          is not necessary to always control people when without this extreme obsession of 'controlling' we can still run good marriage.
                          i personally think that is pointless and one of the reasons why marriages never work.
                          “This day I have perfected your religion for you,completed My Favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion.” [5:3]"I have created the jinns and the humans solely to worship Me."[51:56]"a woman's heart should be lost in God, that a man needs to see him in order to find her"

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Controlling Others

                            what would a brother do if he had guest round, and his wife deliberately walked past and kicked the bowl of food in front of them so hard it smashed and went everywhere ? would ppl say he cant control his wife ? would they say how shocking ! how very dare she! how can he allow such a thing!

                            real woman, real marriage, real men from the seerah of our prophet :saw:
                            "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

                            The Prophet :saw: said:

                            "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

                            muslim

                            Narrated 'Abdullah:

                            The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


                            "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

                            By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

                            [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Controlling Others

                              I think control issues stem from insecurity and fear of losing people you love.

                              It also stems from cultural mind set of needing to be seen to be controlling as Medivelist said - a man would be ripped apart for not being able to control his women in a Desi society.

                              I think if both couples are free from the above throught processes, love, trust and respect will follow quite easily.

                              Comment

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