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  • uncovering only at the last meeting

    :salams

    If a male wants to meet you for the purpose of marriage, is it permissable to maintain jilaab + niqaab untill the very last meeting?

    That is, two people check whether they are complimentary in deen/akhlaaq/other aspects etc, and lastly appearances.

    :jkk:

  • #2
    Re: uncovering only at the last meeting

    :wswrwb: it could be a bit of a let down? say if the brother liked everything about you, then u both were thinking things are fine and leading to marriage insha Allah, then u take off your niqqab and he comes back and says oh sorry i changed my mind.. is going to make u feel lousy cos then u know its just about your looks not being for him. when speaking with marriage potential it is the only time a man is permitted to look at a woman, so why not just let him look its his right after all to know what the woman looks like.Allahu alam
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

    The Prophet :saw: said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: uncovering only at the last meeting

      Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
      then u take off your niqqab and he comes back and says oh sorry i changed my mind..is going to make u feel lousy cos then u know its just about your looks not being for him.
      :jkk: sorry for cutting your message like that but that's exactly my point! when someone says they want to marry you because of your deen and character, but when they see you they change their mind, you know they are not telling the truth and it's only about the looks for them.
      Last edited by Madwife; 15-09-10, 09:30 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: uncovering only at the last meeting

        :wswrwb:

        With the issue of looks you shouldn't go to extreemes with it, for it to all be about looks is clearly stupid, but to say that looks do not matter at all is niave & quite frankly makes no sense.

        You are getting married to preserve your chastity, it is not going to be of any help to you lowering your gaze and remaining chaste if you are not at all attracted to the person you are married too.

        be a bit more realistic insha'Allah, looks have their place and they are important, just not the most important.

        The Prophet (saw) advised for people to look at each other before getting married for a reason, its importance.

        "How often we cry over Fate, but abundant good lies just behind it. O soul, it is goodness, even if it arrives after a while."


        Foulana blog


        Comment


        • #5
          Re: uncovering only at the last meeting

          Originally posted by Madwife View Post
          :jkk: sorry for cutting your message like that but that's exactly my point! when someone says they want to marry you because of your deen and character, but when they see you they change their mind, you know they are not telling the truth and it's only about the looks for them.
          no problem :) well even the prophet :saw: told the sahabbah to go and look at the woman before marrying her, its not a bad thing there has to be some attraction between the spouses, there has to be compatability between the spouses in personality, there has to be good character and u have to be attracted to each other, doesnt mean its all about looks, but it wouldnt be fair to marry someone u thought was really nice / good person/ good muslim insha Allah ta ala, but simply didnt have a physical attraction to. it doesnt mean they are marrying u only for looks, there was one case of a woman from the sahabiyat was divorced her husband simply because when she looked at him, compared to other men, he wasnt attractive to her.


          I wouldnt worry about it sis, cos Allah ta ala has made someone for everyone, and when the right one comes along, the one Allah ta ala decreed to be your husband then he will think you are beautiful :)
          "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

          The Prophet :saw: said:

          "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

          muslim

          Narrated 'Abdullah:

          The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


          "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

          By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

          [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: uncovering only at the last meeting

            Originally posted by Foulana View Post
            :wswrwb:

            With the issue of looks you shouldn't go to extreemes with it, for it to all be about looks is clearly stupid, but to say that looks do not matter at all is niave & quite frankly makes no sense.

            You are getting married to preserve your chastity, it is not going to be of any help to you lowering your gaze and remaining chaste if you are not at all attracted to the person you are married too.

            be a bit more realistic insha'Allah, looks have their place and they are important, just not the most important.

            The Prophet (saw) advised for people to look at each other before getting married for a reason, its importance.
            :jkk: If a brother said to you I have chosen you out of women because of your deen, but when he sees you he walks away. To him, clearly looks are more important than deen. Would you like someone to be your husband who values your appearance more then the deen?

            and ukthilkareem, i didn't ignore the hadeeth you mentioned to me jazakallah khayr- i'm leaving the bit where he looks at her for the last meeting, so he does get to see her.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: uncovering only at the last meeting

              Originally posted by Madwife View Post
              :jkk: If a brother said to you I have chosen you out of women because of your deen, but when he sees you he walks away. To him, clearly looks are more important than deen. Would you like someone to be your husband who values your appearance more then the deen?

              and ukthilkareem, i didn't ignore the hadeeth jazakalah khayr- i'm leaving the bit her looks at her for the last meeting, so he does get to see her.
              BarakAllahu feeki

              To be completely honest, I don't think a brother not marrying you because he is not attracted to you choosing looks over deen.

              If a brother was to decide to not marry me for any reason it would not phase or bother me because I know that it was not qadr for me & I know that (after praying istikarah) it there was no khayr in it and Allah swt knows best.

              By conciously leaving it to the last meeting in my opinion makes it into a bigger issue than it actually is. I just feel that it is unecessary to do that, when you are considering someone for marraige you are considering the whole package so to purposely remove looks from the equasion is a bit ajeeb.

              Keeping the niqaab on might send signals that the sister has some kind of issue with the way that she looks.

              "How often we cry over Fate, but abundant good lies just behind it. O soul, it is goodness, even if it arrives after a while."


              Foulana blog


              Comment


              • #8
                Re: uncovering only at the last meeting

                Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
                no problem :) well even the prophet :saw: told the sahabbah to go and look at the woman before marrying her, its not a bad thing there has to be some attraction between the spouses, there has to be compatability between the spouses in personality, there has to be good character and u have to be attracted to each other, doesnt mean its all about looks, but it wouldnt be fair to marry someone u thought was really nice / good person/ good muslim insha Allah ta ala, but simply didnt have a physical attraction to. it doesnt mean they are marrying u only for looks, there was one case of a woman from the sahabiyat was divorced her husband simply because when she looked at him, compared to other men, he wasnt attractive to her.


                I wouldnt worry about it sis, cos Allah ta ala has made someone for everyone, and when the right one comes along, the one Allah ta ala decreed to be your husband then he will think you are beautiful :)
                :jkk: foulana mentioned this hadeeth aswell, and I am very much aware of this hadeeth jazakallah khayr. It is not that you are saying marry me without seeing me. You are assessing him and what he thinks is important. I know that the brother wants to be attracted to his wife, but how do you know that this brother is not just after your looks, when is willing to reject you just for your looks? Am I being stubborn here, please correct me if that's the case.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: uncovering only at the last meeting

                  well if from the first meeting he looks at you and you look at him, and by the next couple of meetings, then maybe even someone u dont think at first is so attractive the person becomes more attractive due to deen and character personality so its a win win situation insha Allah. Allahu alam sis, i think looking at each other is something important as well as deen, and character and deen checks will have been done before the marriage talks by the walli anyway, so insha Allah you would know hes not the sort to be shallow and marry just for looks alone.
                  "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

                  The Prophet :saw: said:

                  "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

                  muslim

                  Narrated 'Abdullah:

                  The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


                  "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

                  By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

                  [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: uncovering only at the last meeting

                    to be honest i would think that the women in question may have a defect or some sort cause she doesnt want to show her face untill last meeting or think she's ugly(no one is really ugly but if you think you're ugly then the person meeting u may think u have no self worth) and i would be dissapointed if i have to wait that long to see how she looks

                    the truth is there needs to be a little attraction to find the women attractive or what someone wants in there wife, just imagine if you go through all that and at the end you show your face and his not attracted to you 1. you wasted both of your time. 2. it will lead to lower self esteem for you 3. you deserve someone better than him and allah has planned a better person for you

                    so all that time you wasted you could meet someone else who will like you for who you are ia

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: uncovering only at the last meeting

                      Originally posted by Foulana View Post
                      BarakAllahu feeki

                      To be completely honest, I don't think a brother not marrying you because he is not attracted to you choosing looks over deen.

                      If a brother was to decide to not marry me for any reason it would not phase or bother me because I know that it was not qadr for me & I know that (after praying istikarah) it there was no khayr in it and Allah swt knows best.

                      By conciously leaving it to the last meeting in my opinion makes it into a bigger issue than it actually is. I just feel that it is unecessary to do that, when you are considering someone for marraige you are considering the whole package so to purposely remove looks from the equasion is a bit ajeeb.

                      Keeping the niqaab on might send signals that the sister has some kind of issue with the way that she looks.

                      Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
                      well if from the first meeting he looks at you and you look at him, and by the next couple of meetings, then maybe even someone u dont think at first is so attractive the person becomes more attractive due to deen and character personality so its a win win situation insha Allah. Allahu alam sis, i think looking at each other is something important as well as deen, and character and deen checks will have been done before the marriage talks by the walli anyway, so insha Allah you would know hes not the sort to be shallow and marry just for looks alone.
                      i might just be thinking too much about it, and i can see how it would send strange signals! lol :jkk:

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: uncovering only at the last meeting

                        Originally posted by Madwife View Post
                        :jkk: foulana mentioned this hadeeth aswell, and I am very much aware of this hadeeth jazakallah khayr. It is not that you are saying marry me without seeing me. You are assessing him and what he thinks is important. I know that the brother wants to be attracted to his wife, but how do you know that this brother is not just after your looks, when is willing to reject you just for your looks? Am I being stubborn here, please correct me if that's the case.
                        I think it is very unreaslistic to expect that men would not go for looks at all - what is realistic is that they (and sisters!) would need to find the appearance positive/favourable at least.

                        I think there is a difference between a practising brother who wants someone super beautiful and a practising brother who wants someone whose appearance is favourable to them.

                        In any case, I think we should not try to judge too much, as you know some brothers look for money, which I think is even worse!
                        "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: uncovering only at the last meeting

                          Show your face from the first meeting but not the hair..

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: uncovering only at the last meeting

                            :wswrwb:

                            I think u should show ur face straight away for the reasons mentioned in posts above. It sounds almost like ur testing him...if looks matter to him then he's not worthy or something!
                            If you delay showing ur face until the last meeting, wouldn't it be more nerve-wracking for u? Also, like someone mentioned above, he would think either there's something wrong with u, or u must be stunningly beautiful if u stay covered right until the end.
                            "You are the best nation raised up for men. You enjoin good and forbid evil, and you believe in Allah." (Surah Al Imran 3:110)

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: uncovering only at the last meeting

                              but sis, you gotta ask urself aswel, imagine u didnt get to see him until the final meeting and then you were not attracted to him AT ALL, nothing about him appealed to you but he was practising..would u still go ahead?...me personally - i wouldnt. and its not because "looks are everything" but looks do play a role in my decision. Not only that, it would be difficult to say no after getting to know him so well...and it would hit the bro harder if it was left so much later..

                              i agree with the rest of the sisters, show ur face from the first meeting - do istikhara and ALOT of research on him and inshaAllah ul be fine :)
                              Your 9/11 is how we live 24/7 ~ yours sincerely Palestine


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