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Marrying someone from *back home*

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  • #61
    Re: Marrying someone from *back home*

    Brother, you have stated you have performed the Istikhara prayer . The prayer is a means to seek guidance and goodness from Allah .

    "O Allah, if You know that this undertaking is in the best interests of my religion, my life in this world, and my life in the Hereafter, and can yield successful results in both the short term and the long term, then make it possible for me and make it easy for me, and then bless me in it.

    If not, then turn it away from me, and make it easy for me to do well, wherever I may happen to be, and make me content with Your verdict, O Most Merciful of the merciful."


    Trust Allah!

    Comment


    • #62
      Re: Marrying someone from *back home*

      Pre-wedding nerves is natural. Its a massive step to take.
      Concentrate on the positives..... such as the sister's dheen. And if the communication really is an issue for you, talk to her wali and suggest an english course.

      Comment


      • #63
        Re: Marrying someone from *back home*

        Originally posted by Beardyman View Post
        What if the answer is yes - but you still have that nagging thought at the back of your mind that the communication thing might just be too much?!


        Edit: ACtually....the communication might work - shes been living here for 4 years - but what iam worried about is the culture clash more than anything - will she like the things i like - find funny the things i find funny - and if not....the relationship will just be like...a load you have to carry!

        Unlike most people here i dont htink going back home to marry is to find someone deficient or the person cant get married here - but i get worried about the culture clash - and the way of life!?

        Allahul Musta'aan
        Im goin to put it straight to you inshAllah.... and im a bit of that traditional conservative person....

        I have stated before... marriage is not easy and its not a fairytale. Dont expect to marry a women who loves football and cricket, that you will sit and have conversations and day and night without silence. That you will go into a middle of a ground and sing a bollywood song and all that rubbish that has polluted our mind from the biggest fintah the TV!!!

        you dont look into things about funny, and what you like she likes. What you need to look into is, what will she bring into your household. When you go astray, will she bring you back onto the right path. When she comes back from her islamic class, will she discuss what she did with you.Will she have the drama channels on or the islamic channels. Will she wake you up for fajar when you over sleep. Does she have a good character, does she keep away from non mahram men, does she do what he husband likes and does she stay away from things that her husband dislikes. Is she goin to bring up children how you would like, with correct islamic understanding. Stuff like the above is what should really worry you etc.

        And things about liking and funny, thats not really important. I think a husband plays a bigger role in how the atmosphere is in the house. And for me, tbh, id rather she not integrate into this lifestyle and culture. As cultural as the back home people are, their culture is more inclined towards islam(ofc depends how she been brought up)... integrating someone into western culture is not a good thing.... but thats another topic on its own....

        i think you are goin way to deep, from what you have said and writen, then she aint bad at ALL. These little problems about culture and being funny and laughing is not something we have been advised to look at.

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        • #64
          Re: Marrying someone from *back home*

          Originally posted by Beardyman View Post
          Edit: ACtually....the communication might work - shes been living here for 4 years - but what iam worried about is the culture clash more than anything - will she like the things i like - find funny the things i find funny - and if not....the relationship will just be like...a load you have to carry!

          Unlike most people here i dont htink going back home to marry is to find someone deficient or the person cant get married here - but i get worried about the culture clash - and the way of life!?
          Even if you married someone from here, what makes you think it is a guarantee that you will have similar interests, understand their humour and be on the same wavelength?

          For example if you were 'getting to know someone' - it's common sense that you will put the best part of your personality forward and show her the best of your character. Some families are chilled out and they don't mind if their kids have several meetings and phone chats with the 'prospective spouse'. During that whole 'getting to know phase' people will say allsorts in order to be liked, it's only natural that people will make out like they're so Deeni inclined, caring, considerate, hard-working, loyal, romantic, funny etc. It's human nature that people just want to be liked (it's not necessarily a bad thing). But it's only when you get married and you're living with the person, that is when you find out what the person is really like.

          I have a friend who married in the UK, her then 'fiance' made himself out to be some kind Deeni-inclined Molvi-Sahib, student of the Deen (Taalib-al-Ilm (he does Hifdh, Arabic, Fiqh and various other subjects) and he's friends with well-known Mufti's. He made himself look like one charming, considerate, caring, funny, witty and decent guy. She was falling for him big time (even before Istikhara) and she asked me if there was any prayer she could can read so that she definatley gets married to him, and if they can't get married she will stay in bed for weeks on end moping around. I tried to make her come to her senses, that basically she's kinda losing the plot, but she wasn't having any of it. Btw she's an intelligent girl, not one of those thick Bollywood lovers, but she fell for his fake charms and bakwaas acting. - fake Holy Moly - don't be fooled by outer appearances.

          She got married to him after 1 month of 'getting to know him',

          After marriage, she didn't 'get' his weird sense of humour and he didn't really get her either. It took her months to figure him out, and even then she still didn't get him.

          Don't ask what happened afterwards. It turned out, he just wanted to get married to her so he can fulfill his desires but he couldn't even fulfill his BASIC role and responsibilites as a husband i.e. he's been unemployed since they got married (almost two years) and can't be asked looking for a job, he would rather just sponge off her money and keep taking out loans and borrow money off others. She works full-time and is also his cooking and cleaning slave. Later on she admitted to me that he pressurised her into getting married to him, saying that if she doesn't hurry up with the Nikah ASAP, then he'll get married to someone else (he's got other women lined up to choose from).

          **Her problem was that her family was way too 'chilled-out', they met up several times in front of family (he came round to her house), but then her family would 'leave them to it'. Ajeeb. They spoke on email and phone quite a bit, none of this was monitored or none of these conversations were in the presence of a third person. Although her family was aware of what was going on, they were far too 'chilled out'.
          **She also didn't carry out 'proper' back-ground checks and didn't get enough references - basically she should have fully researched the guy

          What is the point of a marriage where the spouse is good-looking, Deeni-inclined or so they say, they make out they have an amazing personality but they can't even fulfill their basic roles and responsibilities, because they don't want to make an effort. It's one thing if a spouse has good intentions, they needs a push, they admit they need help and are willing to work on the marriage and they do make an effort even if it's small steps - it's a start. But if one spouse can't be asked and the other spouse is doing all the work in the marriage, then obviously it looks like the marriage is doomed or heading that way.

          I’m just saying that even if you found someone from here, it’s unlikely you will see many aspects of her personality before marriage e.g. character and humour, unless of course you find someone through your own means. But even if you do get to know someone’s personality, that doesn’t mean it’s true.

          No doubt, there are genuine decent good people out there (all over the world). But don't become so 'illusioned' by the whole 'getting to know' each other stage - i.e. dancing around trees and singing Bolly songs etc. You could meet/talk to a potential just the once or twice or even know someone for years, that doesn't mean you know them - because you're not married and you haven't lived with each other yet!
          Last edited by Zebunissa; 15-09-10, 12:34 PM.
          "Meet people in such a manner that if you die, they should weep for you, and if you live, they should long for you." Hadhrat Ali-Ibn-Talib (RadiAllaah Anhu)
          Shan-e-Aisha

          Comment


          • #65
            Re: Marrying someone from *back home*

            Originally posted by russo View Post
            take a trip to pakistan and see what goes on there!
            boom boom boom ....



            Comment


            • #66
              Re: Marrying someone from *back home*

              Originally posted by noobz View Post
              boom boom boom ....
              loooooool
              GoNe...

              Comment


              • #67
                Re: Marrying someone from *back home*

                Originally posted by Beardyman View Post

                will she like the things i like - find funny the things i find funny - and if not....the relationship will just be like...a load you have to carry!


                Allahul Musta'aan
                Dude that is what friends are for: to hang out, chill out, laugh, and share common interest.

                Get lot of friends to go do what you like doing.

                Comment


                • #68
                  Re: Marrying someone from *back home*

                  Originally posted by Kya View Post
                  Dude that is what friends are for: to hang out, chill out, laugh, and share common interest.

                  Get lot of friends to go do what you like doing.
                  lol mashaAllah bro - thats true

                  QMU and Zebunissa - BarakAllah feek - wallah i really mean it...thank you! Somewhat put my mind at rest about this issue and a previous issue! - you guys should be therapists!

                  Ok so iam like 85% there to a yes i need a good kick then i will go....
                  but alhamdulilah :D

                  Any more questions and i will be sure to post - May Allah bless each and every person that replied to this thread - ameen
                  Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet :saw: said,
                  "Allah will cover up on the Day of Resurrection the defects (faults) of the one who covers up the faults of the others in this world"[Muslim]

                  Beardyman

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    Re: Marrying someone from *back home*

                    Originally posted by uncle umar View Post
                    yeah but at least its kinda tabo stil. underground. for here, its as easy as looking in the newspaper in the classifides.

                    at least thats how it is to the best of my understanding.
                    We are talking about muslims. You are now talking about prositutues most of whom in the classifieds are clearly not muslims and NOT the majority of muslims in this country. I think you need to get a grip cos it really sounds like you have no idea!


                    Visit: www.muslim-mums.co.uk

                    Comment


                    • #70
                      Re: Marrying someone from *back home*

                      no, im not talking about prostitutes, although thats in there too. people apparently use the classifides to find boyfriends/girlfriends as weel. my point is the societis are totaly different.
                      And the (faithful) slaves of the Most Gracious (All‚h) are those who walk on the earth in humility and sedateness, and when the foolish address them (with bad words) they reply back with mild words of gentleness. (25:63)

                      O You who believe! Shall I guide you to a trade that will save you from a painful torment? (10) That you believe in All‚h and His Messenger (Muhammad SAW),and that you strive hard and fight in the Cause of All‚h with your wealth and your lives, that will be better for you, if you but know! (11) (If you do so) He will forgive you your sins, and admit you into Gardens under which rivers flow, and pleasant dwellings in Adn (Edn) Paradise; that is indeed the great success. (12)

                      JazakAllah khair for the duas but i would prefer duas for shahadah instead.

                      sponsor an orphan

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                      • #71
                        Re: Marrying someone from *back home*

                        I do like the girl and the family and my sister knows her well and she says she is quite talkative etc - but exactly....i am worried i WONT be able to joke around and stuff and like i have been trying to tell my parents communication is one of the most important things
                        Your putting far to much emphasis on communication. What are you so eager to convey to her? Our primal ancestors were hunters, gathers, constantly engaged in conflicts, survival etcetera. Fast forward to the best of people (Companions) "Worship" and "Tazkiyah" adds to the list and you quickly start to run out of time. When you put such significance on communication and feel the need, that a MINIMUM of it, is inadequate. Your going against your natural disposition. You'd be surprised to know that the more you talk, the more you throw yourself into a never ending conflict that's difficult to extricate from.

                        Iam confused as to whether or not to go after this proposal or leave it soely on the factor of language!
                        If you don't make the absolute most of your time (career, Dawah, religious study etc) its best to just leave it.

                        Comment


                        • #72
                          Re: Marrying someone from *back home*

                          Don't ask what happened afterwards. It turned out, he just wanted to get married to her so he can fulfill his desires
                          A Women marrying a man she has no DESIRE for?

                          No doubt, there are genuine decent good people out there (all over the world).[/I] But don't become so 'illusioned' by the whole 'getting to know' each other stage - i.e. dancing around trees and singing Bolly songs etc. You could meet/talk to a potential just the once or twice or even know someone for years, that doesn't mean you know them - because you're not married and you haven't lived with each other yet!
                          Personality develops or deteriorates, its always hovering between the two states. Why people assume its "constant" I will never know. Hence you often find yourself hostile to things which a couple of months back you didn't mind. It often goes hand in hand with "Iman", if its LOW, it starts affecting the personality.

                          Comment


                          • #73
                            Re: Marrying someone from *back home*

                            Originally posted by Inquisitive10 View Post
                            A Women marrying a man she has no DESIRE for?

                            Personality develops or deteriorates, its always hovering between the two states. Why people assume its "constant" I will never know. Hence you often find yourself hostile to things which a couple of months back you didn't mind. It often goes hand in hand with "Iman", if its LOW, it starts affecting the personality.
                            No that wasn't what I meant. A man needs to have a sense of responsibilty, marriage isn't only about fulfilling desires, there is much more to a marriage than that. It is Wajib for a man to financially provide for his wife and provide her a place to live.

                            I appreciate your final comment, I understand that things like that happen. But if a marriage has been dysfunctional from the start and it's been dragged out into two years (with no improvement), it sounds like something is very wrong. :s
                            Last edited by Zebunissa; 16-09-10, 10:43 AM.
                            "Meet people in such a manner that if you die, they should weep for you, and if you live, they should long for you." Hadhrat Ali-Ibn-Talib (RadiAllaah Anhu)
                            Shan-e-Aisha

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