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Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

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  • #91
    Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

    Originally posted by StukInTheMiddle View Post
    I CAN NOT TELL MY PARENTS.
    why?

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    • #92
      Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

      Marriage is the one situation in which the rules concerning BACKBITING AND UNCOVERING ANOTHERS SINS dont apply, if someone asks you for a reference you can tell the truth without being punished for backbiting or uncovering a muslims sins?

      due to this i think its ok if you tell him.

      Also for your sisters sake.

      Because i have seen situations like this and i know girls like this. and the thing is, the man they marry has to be someone they are not just in love with, but who can understand their deviancies, and control them, and who the girl respects. This relationship doesnt sound too promising as she dont respect her hubby!

      if they break up it may seem like the end of the world to her at the moment, she may even go a bit doolally for a bit, but inshallah she will get over it, and meet a man she actually respects.

      she wont beable to tell him herself, she wont beable to bring herself to do it, but for her sake to stop her entering a marriage and committing adultery he needs to be told.

      you should tell her to stop fooling herslef, that this marriage is not a joke, that she needs a man who she can respect and who isnt afraid to be an amir and harsh to her when needs be, not a puppy dog, sit down and have a heart to heart, tell her shes got issues and she needs a man who can handle these issues.

      Recipes for all the family :inlove:
      (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

      Comment


      • #93
        Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

        Ideally, the parents should be sorting this out.

        Your sister's fiance is ghair-mahram, it's not appropriate for you to be speaking to him. You shouldn't have been speaking to him in the first place.

        Do you have a brother who could speak your sister's fiance and tell him the situation?
        Last edited by Zebunissa; 04-12-09, 02:47 PM.
        "Meet people in such a manner that if you die, they should weep for you, and if you live, they should long for you." Hadhrat Ali-Ibn-Talib (RadiAllaah Anhu)
        Shan-e-Aisha

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        • #94
          Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

          i still dont think she should say anything.. if it bothers her tell your PARENTS.. if you cant then just stay quite...

          Comment


          • #95
            Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

            Originally posted by SoMaLi_PRinCeSs View Post
            n why would he keep it a secret..
            Salaam,

            Because he wouldnt want anyone to find out that he had been played, i wouldnt want anyone to know if that happened to me, i would say alhumdulilah that i have found out before i got married, after marriage trust me it could ruin the brothers life, and clearly the sister has mentioned he is a good man who wouldnt tell everyone else.

            Sister, i dont know how you could do it but you have to tell him before the marriage takes place.

            Salaam
            Allahumma Insur Al-Islam Wal-Muslimeen

            Ahasiban naasu ay yutrakoo ay yaqooloo aamannaa wa hum laa yuftanoon. (Do men imagine that they will be left (at ease) because they say, We believe, and will not be tested with affliction? Surah 29 (2)

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            • #96
              Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

              Originally posted by Ibadah View Post
              Because he wouldnt want anyone to find out that he had been played, i wouldnt want anyone to know if that happened to me, i would say alhumdulilah that i have found out before i got married, after marriage trust me it could ruin the brothers life, and clearly the sister has mentioned he is a good man who wouldnt tell everyone else.
              The sister said he will keep it quiet and not spread rumours :insha: Allahu Alim.
              Sadly, not all people are like the brother in question... some people would turn nasty, spread rumours and get revenge.

              If the sisters have a brother then he could tell the guy about their current situation.

              If the OP tells the brother herself, there is a possibility that her sister will accuse of her "jealousy" or "trying to steal her man" and get her parents on her side. Obviously the parents will not know the "full-story" and the OP would be left in the firing line. Although, I'm sure the OP can pick up the pieces afterwards.
              Last edited by Zebunissa; 04-12-09, 03:10 PM.
              "Meet people in such a manner that if you die, they should weep for you, and if you live, they should long for you." Hadhrat Ali-Ibn-Talib (RadiAllaah Anhu)
              Shan-e-Aisha

              Comment


              • #97
                Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

                Originally posted by Ibadah View Post
                Salaam,

                Because he wouldnt want anyone to find out that he had been played, i wouldnt want anyone to know if that happened to me, i would say alhumdulilah that i have found out before i got married, after marriage trust me it could ruin the brothers life, and clearly the sister has mentioned he is a good man who wouldnt tell everyone else.

                Sister, i dont know how you could do it but you have to tell him before the marriage takes place.

                Salaam
                aalaahu yaa alem..gods knows best... is all i can say

                Comment


                • #98
                  Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

                  Because it would make matters worse with my parents. rather than stress my parents. i find it would be a better solution to allow my sister and her fiance to sort it out between themselves.


                  Originally posted by Zebunissa View Post
                  I don't know your situation so may I ask why you cannot tell them?

                  Comment


                  • #99
                    Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

                    Originally posted by StukInTheMiddle View Post
                    Because it would make matters worse with my parents. rather than stress my parents. i find it would be a better solution to allow my sister and her fiance to sort it out between themselves.
                    As you said your sister has been in a relationship with this guy for 4 years - "love marriage".

                    Your parents didn't approve of the marriage to begin with, but later on they came round and accepted the idea of this "love marriage". Your family isn't exactly happy that she is marrying someone from her own choice.

                    If you tell your parents the truth, I'm sure they will be more than happy to break the marriage off and marry her off to someone from their choice.
                    Last edited by Zebunissa; 04-12-09, 03:20 PM.
                    "Meet people in such a manner that if you die, they should weep for you, and if you live, they should long for you." Hadhrat Ali-Ibn-Talib (RadiAllaah Anhu)
                    Shan-e-Aisha

                    Comment


                    • Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

                      Salaam.

                      Thank you. You have stated exactly what has been on my mind and what I have been trying to explain.

                      Marriage is HUGE commintment that bonds not only the bride and groom but the two families aswell.

                      And if the truth were to come out afterwards, i cant bear to imagine what will happen to him and his family and to mine. Because then everyone will definately know.

                      Whether he wants to back out of the marriage, is entirely up to him as long as he knows the truth.

                      Originally posted by alirican2 View Post
                      Salam Walaykum

                      I think a lot of the previous opinions were not very helpful for the sister especially the ones who say don't tell him or the parents.

                      Haqq is haqq no matter what and the prophet s.a.w. said to tell the truth even if its against your ownself.

                      Now as of what you should do it is wise you tell the guy somehow maybe on the |Down Low of what she is doing to not make it wide spread amongst family as the family already opposes it a bit so it wouldn't be a big issue and problem. when the brother just says I back out of it I do not want to marry her, there won't be a great uproar. What your sister is doing is totally wrong against Allahs command, you have warned her many times.

                      Marriage is a bigggggg thing. It is not a hit and run episode. It brings 2 families together, its an amanat trust given by Allah. Guy must protect, provide,etc. Never start a marriage with dirty clothes. It will never last I have seen many divorces because of the lies. He is probably very innocent and nobody deserves to be treated in that way.

                      This does not have to be a big scenee where it will end up on the news or something. Do it wisely and confront the guy through a relative of yours or directly depending on your situation and tell him what she is doing. I'm sure he will back out of the marriage. And for your sister Fear of Allah is needed.

                      And Allah Knows Best

                      Your brother Ali

                      Comment


                      • Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

                        Originally posted by naila-k View Post
                        Because i have seen situations like this and i know girls like this. and the thing is, the man they marry has to be someone they are not just in love with, but who can understand their deviancies, and control them, and who the girl respects. This relationship doesnt sound too promising as she dont respect her hubby!

                        if they break up it may seem like the end of the world to her at the moment, she may even go a bit doolally for a bit, but inshallah she will get over it, and meet a man she actually respects.

                        you should tell her to stop fooling herslef, that this marriage is not a joke, that she needs a man who she can respect and who isnt afraid to be an amir and harsh to her when needs be, not a puppy dog, sit down and have a heart to heart, tell her shes got issues and she needs a man who can handle these issues.
                        Agree with the above.

                        Sister you had already made your mind up about what you wanted to do before you created this thread.

                        As you know, when you are coming on a public internet forum for advice it is inevitable that you will come across advice which you don't want to follow and advice that you don't agree with.

                        As for my personal opinion: I partially agree with both sides of the argument as it's a very difficult situation to be in.
                        However, I feel that the brother deserves someone better, he should marry someone else who respects him and treats him like a man, and not someone who walks all over him like a doormat.

                        You have already made your decision, so you need to do what YOU think is right!
                        Last edited by Zebunissa; 04-12-09, 03:35 PM.
                        "Meet people in such a manner that if you die, they should weep for you, and if you live, they should long for you." Hadhrat Ali-Ibn-Talib (RadiAllaah Anhu)
                        Shan-e-Aisha

                        Comment


                        • Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

                          I think you have to tell him...I mean, what if she continued this even after they were married?? You telling him early on would prevent such a struggle...He deserves to know.

                          Comment


                          • Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

                            Like I said in my first post when I started this thread, I was in two minds about deciding what to do. And I was immensely confused about many factors about this situation.

                            Like you said "you will come across advice which you don't want to follow and advice that you don't agree with" which I expected. And there are some posts on here that has made me think more which I wouldnt have thought of before. My mind is alot clearer now.

                            Thank you sisters and brothers for your all advice and thoughts on this matter.

                            It has helped me a great deal.

                            Salaam

                            Originally posted by Zebunissa View Post
                            Agree with the above.

                            Sister you had already made your mind up about what you wanted to do before you created this thread.

                            As you know, when you are coming on a public internet forum for advice it is inevitable that you will come across advice which you don't want to follow and advice that you don't agree with.

                            As for my personal opinion: I partially agree with both sides of the argument as it's a very difficult situation to be in.
                            However, I feel that the brother deserves someone better, he should marry someone else who respects him and treats him like a man, and not someone who walks all over him like a doormat.

                            You have already made your decision, so you need to do what YOU think is right!
                            Last edited by StukInTheMiddle; 04-12-09, 04:17 PM.

                            Comment


                            • Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

                              salam

                              talk to a shayke about this one sis!

                              we all have our viewpoints on this one but islam is our deen and you should do whatever you do according to the deen

                              talk to a shayke.
                              And the (faithful) slaves of the Most Gracious (All‚h) are those who walk on the earth in humility and sedateness, and when the foolish address them (with bad words) they reply back with mild words of gentleness. (25:63)

                              O You who believe! Shall I guide you to a trade that will save you from a painful torment? (10) That you believe in All‚h and His Messenger (Muhammad SAW),and that you strive hard and fight in the Cause of All‚h with your wealth and your lives, that will be better for you, if you but know! (11) (If you do so) He will forgive you your sins, and admit you into Gardens under which rivers flow, and pleasant dwellings in Adn (Edn) Paradise; that is indeed the great success. (12)

                              JazakAllah khair for the duas but i would prefer duas for shahadah instead.

                              sponsor an orphan

                              Comment


                              • Re: Need Advice ASAP!!! Please!!! :S

                                سلام عليكم

                                I don't know exactly what you mean by stating that your sister has "been unfaithful many times to her future husband to be." Do you mean to say she has been talking to another guy or actually committing the dreaded zina (i.e. intercourse)--may Allah protect us from ever doing such a thing.

                                If you mean she is actually doing zina, then allow me to remind you of the punishment of one that commits zina. The unmarried person gets 100 lashes. The married person gets the death sentence. So as serious a sin it is for an unmarried person to do it, it's that much more serious for a married person to do it. Just something to think about and possibly bring to the attention of your sister.

                                Does your sister even pray the five compulsory prayers? Was the way she met the first guy even halal--and was the courting process, etc. halal or did she do zina with that guy, too (if zina is what you are referring to in the first place)? If the marriage is not even founded on piety to begin with, why should one expect any good to come out of such a marriage?

                                Regardless of what the case is (whether your sister is talking to another guy or doing zina with him), it is clear that your sister is not serious about marriage and doesn't understand what an Islamic marriage is truly about. So my advice is for her to just not get married until she does understand what an Islamic marriage is about (i.e. diseased root produces bad or no fruit).

                                I don't know about the other guys in this forum, but to marry a girl like this would be absolutely appalling to me and I seek refuge with Allah from ever getting married to such a girl.

                                May Allah guide your sister and all of the Muslims.

                                سلام عليكم
                                The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "...By the One in Whose hand is my soul, you will not enter Paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Shall I not tell you of something which if you do it, you will love one another. Spread (the greeting of) salaam amongst yourselves." (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2510)

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