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  • Marriage problems

    what do I do if I was married for the past 4 years and my wife is extremely jealous and we broke up several times over it but it persists. Its hard for me to deal with it and I don't do nothing wrong on my part, can someone give advice?

  • #2
    Re: Marriage problems

    My first question akhi would have to be . why is she jealous? you say you are not doing anything wrong. Yet she is jealous about something. .

    You may not want to answer here.. so this is more to ask you to write down for yourself what is making her jealous.. and then ask yourself what can you do to reduce her jealousy.. ie what ever it is that is causing it.

    Secondly ask yourself what can you do to re assure her of your love for her. .. and this doesn't mean spend more on her .. in money or time. for example

    Once you look at what is causing her to be jealous (or you, your actions.. or outside influences) .. those are the areas you need to focus on.

    And if there is still no obvious need/reason for her jealousy.. bring someone else in to talk about it with you both and help you find the solution. .
    Last edited by carol_au; 01-12-09, 04:16 AM.
    .The Prophet sal Allahu alaiyhi wa sallam said, “I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannah for one who has good manners.”
    http://jameelah61.wordpress.com/

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    • #3
      Re: Marriage problems

      Check also who her friends are and what they may or may not be doing to contribute to the problem..

      Sister talk can lead to a lot of marriage problems.. and jealousy..

      May I encourage you and your wife to listen to Muhammad Al Shareefs lecture series on "How to be an Outstanding Husband" and "How to be an Outstanding Wife"

      Both of these are time well worth spending for any married couples
      .The Prophet sal Allahu alaiyhi wa sallam said, “I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannah for one who has good manners.”
      http://jameelah61.wordpress.com/

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Marriage problems

        Originally posted by topnotchmuslim View Post
        what do I do if I was married for the past 4 years and my wife is extremely jealous and we broke up several times over it but it persists. Its hard for me to deal with it and I don't do nothing wrong on my part, can someone give advice?
        being jealous is from us women.but maybe not extreme.all i can advice you is to be very patient with her.we kno the sahabiyat use to have jealousy among dem too.but rasullulah saw was very patient with them.so inshaAllah try to take it easy with her n be patient.may Allah make easy on u.
        [COLOR="Blue"]--------[/COLOR][COLOR="Red"]************[/COLOR]
        Abu Dardaa' said: "Everyone has an imperfection of knowledge and wisdom, if his wealth increases, he becomes so happy though day and night are working hard on destroying his life-span. So what is good of a wealth that increases and a life-span that decreases."

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        • #5
          Re: Marriage problems

          thats the hard part we been through all of that . we spoke to people ,imams etc,etc, we seperaded alot ,divorced twice.I dont flirt ,talk or play with other women,I dont shake hands with other women,I dont be alone with other women. She dont want me to marry another wife , said ok but still, I try to do everything I can for her but she not satisfied(and it aint sex ,lol,) all jokes aside. im sure you can see how bad its gone if im putting my business out there.but I cant leave we got 3 beautiful kids and she nice but its just that one thing she trys to kepp me locked down ,she yell at me for taking to long at the store and start accusing me.It driving me crazy , i dont know where it coming from or why if im trying to be so good. everyday going through pain .

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          • #6
            Re: Marriage problems

            put her on the spot at the time she accuses you of something and ask her what it is you have actually done, not what she thinks you have done.

            there are simple things you can do for your wife's over zealous jelousy...sounds like she is very insecure about herself in which case it;s easy to sort out...

            or she may have some other underlying problem with you and using the jealously as an excuse to vent?
            And another (favour will He bestow,) which ye do love,- help from Allah and a speedy victory. So give the Glad Tidings to the Believers.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Marriage problems

              Originally posted by topnotchmuslim View Post
              thats the hard part we been through all of that . we spoke to people ,imams etc,etc, we seperaded alot ,divorced twice.I dont flirt ,talk or play with other women,I dont shake hands with other women,I dont be alone with other women. She dont want me to marry another wife , said ok but still, I try to do everything I can for her but she not satisfied(and it aint sex ,lol,) all jokes aside. im sure you can see how bad its gone if im putting my business out there.but I cant leave we got 3 beautiful kids and she nice but its just that one thing she trys to kepp me locked down ,she yell at me for taking to long at the store and start accusing me.It driving me crazy , i dont know where it coming from or why if im trying to be so good. everyday going through pain .
              you're wife is acting strange especially if you are not at fault. I would find out who her friends are and what she does in her spare time as someone could be influencing her in the negative way. Take time out from the kids if you can leave them with a relative and Take Sister Carols advise and as husband and wife watch those videos alone.
              Last edited by islam4u; 01-12-09, 10:40 AM.

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              • #8
                Re: Marriage problems

                Originally posted by topnotchmuslim View Post
                what do I do if I was married for the past 4 years and my wife is extremely jealous and we broke up several times over it but it persists. Its hard for me to deal with it and I don't do nothing wrong on my part, can someone give advice?
                Brother, if you cant let her go. Then please do sabr. Allah is with the sabireen..

                Brother, Rasool Allah sallallahu alaihi wasallam said, Be in dunia like a traveller or the one who is passing by. So just think this is dunia it will pass by. No problem at all if your wife is acting strange.

                Have you every thought why she's acting so jealous? Because she loves you alot. If she wasnt feeling jealous then you would be complaining that she doesnt love you. A human is never happy with anything.

                If your wife is acting strangely and you cant leave her then do sabr. If dunia and every person living in dunia was to be perfect, why did Allah make Jannah?

                If we get every thing here, then why did Allah make jannah?

                If all women were to be perfect in this world, then why did Allah create hoors?

                Khair, in short, just do sabr, look at her good things. She has given you 3 beautiful kids, she has the right to be like that. She's just feeling proud. Just do sabr, if she screams at you, bear it. Do sabr, inshallah everything will be okay.

                As a last resort, you can get another wife, she'll become okay then.

                Brother, im sorry but its driving you crazy because you aint accepting the fact that this is dunia. You wont get everything here. Not everyone becomes a president and not everyone becomes bill gates. Not everyone get a good wife.

                The other thing is the love of Allah. If we try to develop the love of Allah in our lives then only we can have peaceful lives. Otherwise its impossible.

                Have you ever thought, there might be some things you are doing which is displeasing Allah? Like not obeying the shariah fully? Allah has said that whatever harm reaches you is because of your own hands. Its because of the sins we do. Allah has told us to enter into Islam completely.

                Have you ever thought that this might be punishment for some sin you must be doing? It won't go away until you recitify this problem.

                Always remember, the hearts of people are between the two fingers of Rahman (hadees). He can turn them anyway, why dont you try waking up in tahajjud and asking Allah sincerely for help?

                If you please Allah, your life will be peaceful. Allah has said in Quran, those who turn away from my zikr (shariah), he will have a hard life and we will raise them on qayamah as blind.....

                In short, Allah controls everything... you try to please Allah, Allah will make your life peaceful. Without this its impossible...

                Just reflect upon your life and see what wrong are you doing? What things you might be doing which are displeasing Allah? And try to correct them. And do istighfar...

                JazakAllah Khair

                P.S: Allah has more right and power over us than we have over our wives.....
                Last edited by talib_27; 01-12-09, 10:51 AM.

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                • #9
                  Re: Marriage problems

                  She seems to have an abnormal amount of insecurity. You should get her to see a psychologist as this kind of jealousy is not normal.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Marriage problems

                    HMMFF!!

                    Maybe she has a reason to be jealous?
                    You are not communicating with her on the correct level to make her feel secure and make her trust you. Just because you are her husband, this doesn't mean you are worthy of trust alone does it...

                    Take a look at the unrestrained glances section on this marriage forum and tell your wife that you will be keeping to these principles.

                    You need to reassure your wife that you love her. You can't take it to offense when she is being jealous. I know, of course it is disrespectful for her to be jealous, but you need to communicate this effectively to her.

                    All marriages will fail without Effective communication.

                    You aren't a baby, you are a grown man who has made the whole hearted decision to get married! You are married, you have included another heart coming from another person in your life, deal with it effectively. Be a man of eloquent words, who respects himself too. I know you want to keep her attracted but you also need to draw the line between exiting strong emotions in her, and just being a plain abuser.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Marriage problems

                      Originally posted by tca_alam View Post
                      HMMFF!!

                      Maybe she has a reason to be jealous?
                      .
                      This is the reason I suggested to the brother he write down her reasons for being jealous.. and work on them. even if they are not relevent to him.

                      She needs reassurance.. something is sparking this jealousy in her. Yes, with the mothers of the believers, it was the other wives.. and our beloved Prophet helped them in that jealousy with quiet responses (eg the episode of the wives and the stew and broken bowl .. do you know that story brother?)

                      in this case the brother isn't sure of what it is.. so brother, you must take time out.. write down what she is jealous about and do as it says in this post.. talk to her about it .. work out how to help her overcome it. . and look seriously at what you may be doing without realising it to increase her jealousy..

                      Insha'Allah Allah SWT will restore peace and tranquilty to your marriage as it sounds like you love your wife and children very much despite the issues.. may Allah SWT help you all ameen
                      Last edited by carol_au; 01-12-09, 12:16 PM.
                      .The Prophet sal Allahu alaiyhi wa sallam said, “I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannah for one who has good manners.”
                      http://jameelah61.wordpress.com/

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Marriage problems

                        I Dont understand how things could of ended up this way.I cant even take too long outside cause she might think im doing something or if im out with a brother she call his phone a million times asking what im doing ,where im i and all this.for example i tell her im going to the masjid for asr then while im there i decide to stay for magrib.wene i come home its a fight because i did not "tell" her that i was staying till magrib and on and on .it is frustating too, much pressure.I feel I dont desrve this , and why would i have to look at it like i did something wrong in my past or a sin.that would mean that Allah is using my wife as a punishment for me . so wene i got married to complete half my deen i was signing up for the punishment for my psat sins ? it doesnt sit well with me. how can getting married be evil worked from my own hands . It gotta be something else .nobody cheated on anybody so thats not it and dont ask how, i know cause i know.what do i do wene i cant concetrate on islam and advancing to Allah wene my wife got me so depressed and angry all the time .I cant even carry a normal converation anymore. I lost interest in alot of things .I guess all I have left is prayer.im starting to hate this life she takes all my energy away. i cant even smile ,i dont even taste food anymore.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Marriage problems

                          i think she is just one of them bunny boilers, and e is your wife, so you should just accept that she is a women and irrational sometimes.

                          shes probably bored alone, or doesnt htink you give her as much attention as you give your friends and outside stuff.

                          seriously, just sit her down and tell her, look darling, you need to trust me, i love you, im not going to involve myself in haram,

                          but i dont see the harm in calling her if your going to be late?

                          wouldnt you expect the same from her?

                          tell her you'll make more of an effort to call if your going to be late, and in return she make more of an effort to chillax.

                          you got to remember her norms are different from yours, maybe her dad was the type who constantly called her mum or something...

                          mzybe she feels insecure after having the kids,

                          how long has this been going on for?

                          Recipes for all the family :inlove:
                          (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

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                          • #14
                            Re: Marriage problems

                            Brother it may not be anything you have done or are doing.. just make yourself a list of what it is that is causing her jealousy and address those issues.

                            This is her problem!! She must want to change herself. You or me or any one else is not going to change her. She must want her marriage to be successful and to overcome the jealousy that is robbing her of a happy marriage. (and therefore you too).

                            If you want this marriage to last you are going to have to invest time into it and in remembering why you wanted to marry her in the first place.

                            Stop looking at the jealousy and look at your wife.. take her away somewhere.. just the two of you and rediscover why you love her.. why you married her.

                            Talk to her about the problem and work with her to develop strategies.

                            Find the causes.. and address them with her.

                            She needs reassurance about something.. something is upsetting/worrying her and you as her ameer must help her since you are the one who is charged with the responsibility of keeping your family out of hell fire.

                            Don't just keep saying "this is not my fault".. no one is saying it is brother.. but if you want to keep your family together. you are going to have to invest time into dealing with this.. and if you can't do it alone.. you are told to bring an ilm or teacher into your home to help you teach and help her. ..

                            and this can be an experienced woman.. Find a respected sister .. preferably older and happily married.. and have her spend time with your wife.. to help her.
                            .The Prophet sal Allahu alaiyhi wa sallam said, “I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannah for one who has good manners.”
                            http://jameelah61.wordpress.com/

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Marriage problems

                              Originally posted by topnotchmuslim View Post
                              what do I do if I was married for the past 4 years and my wife is extremely jealous and we broke up several times over it but it persists. Its hard for me to deal with it and I don't do nothing wrong on my part, can someone give advice?
                              Try ignoring her, if that doesn't work then sleep away from her. If that doesn't work then break up and talk to her parents etc.
                              Last edited by Grotbags; 01-12-09, 09:37 PM. Reason: you do not know the full situation to advise such things

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