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  • life is one great big problem.... and so are family

    Asalamu-aleykum,

    really need sum help and advice from the brothers and sisters out there...

    Basically, Iv'e known my husband for around 3years now, however, its been 6months since we've been married.. we were good friends, not close, just occassionally chatted here n there.
    He always told me he liked me and asked whether one day he could marry me, i wasnt interested at the time as i wasnt looking for marriage. however, as time progressed out of the little 'salams' here and there we got to know eachother a bit better.. I always knew he had a great heart mashAllah, way before i married him, God fearing etc...

    eventually, we ended up going to the same university, (studying different courses) he told me that shaytan is always around and to keep it as halal as possible and not let shaytan get the better of the situation, that if we were serious we should tie the knot... everytime we were together there were always friends around, soo Alhamdullilah it was cool.

    However, due to the whole absurd cast and background issue, we happened to be from different backgrounds, spoke different languages etc... his parents would never accept me and i nor would mine accept him.. I knew he was my soulmate, good hearted, kind, honest wat more could u ask for.. and i knew if i let him slip id cry over spilt milk all my life, personally marriage is a sacred knot between two people, whether ur blak white, asian or chineese, its completion of ur deen...

    neway out of fear of family and our situation both as students, financially we didnt have the means to support us if we were to be independant of family life... we decided to get our nikah done despite this, there was a walli present, a kind brother who offered single handedly, and two witnesses... however the walli wasnt a relative of mine, and our families still have no clue as to our marriage...

    the time we've spent together is blessed, Alhamdullilah its bin fantastic and ive grown to love him with all my hert... once he was looking at me and smiled he said.. 'to look at your wife and smile with such love is a blessing, for a woman who makes her husband happy is a blessed wife'.. so sweet lol

    it was only yesterday that i happened to bump into his mum whilst me and him were together, i said salam she replied, i got my things together and on the way out i said salam but she didnt reply... she knows of me, shes seen a picture and hes told her that he wants to marry me but she nor his father just wont accept... after our lil 'meeeting' yesterday she confronted my other half and said some spiteful things about myself, yet the woman has never even spoken to me.. thats the funny thing... she gave him an ultimatum, too choose between me or her and he's broken in two pieces...so am i, its hard trying to fullfill ur deen and try be a good muslim, yet ur own family stopping you, its hard who do u choose ur wife or ur own moother who fed you, clothed you, stayed up late nights... i totally understand where shez coming from, and i no she isnt open minded and she follows culture i respect her views, shes entitled to them, but how can she force her son to marry someone he doesnt want to... forced marriages in islam are invalid of which the repercussions are catastrophic..

    currently we're trying to buy time, until we can afford to live separately, i no they have no knowledge of the full picture, its really confusing and stressful.. the reason for the secret nikah was their evident refusal and backlash..

    pleassse could anyone help... what do you do, especialy when the mothers cursing her son, who does he choose if anyone, i could never loose him, he means the world to me he truly is my soulmate... inshAllah i wish to spend my life with him...

    can u maarrrry regardless of ur parents refusal?
    and was the nikah correct in terms of the hanafi madhab?

    its just sooo confusing....

  • #2
    Re: life is one great big problem.... and so are family

    wa alaykum salam

    sis, can i ask did u try to work this out with your parents and ask their permission for marriage? or have you just presumed they wont agree and gone ahead behind their back? because that is a mistake..
    understandably when they come to know u have both done this secretly and without permission, they would be quite angry and feel betrayed, because it appears dishonest.
    also secret marriage is not a good idea as you bring doubts on yourself, like his mum saw u together and doesnt know u are 'married' she will think something else about you. people will presume u are freemixing like a boyfriend and girlfriend couple, its better not to put urself in a position for people to come to that conclusion about you bc this is not good for ur reputation, honour etc
    insha allah u better consult a scholar whether ur marriage is valid or not, by telling them the full details of your situation. bc i thought u can not just take some random non mahram to be ur wali instead of ur father, especially when he was not even asked about the wedding you dont know 100% if he would have refused or agreed. but i dont know about it for sure, its very vital for u to check with someone properly otherwise if ur marriage is not valid u will have to drastically alter ur situation with ur husband/this brother.

    anyway if his parents have now been told about this, and they are angry about it, the best thing will be if he can apologise to them for the wrong way in which he did it, and hurt which he has caused by going behind their back. only after that once they have calmed down a bit about it, insha allah try and talk them into accepting the situation. while they are in shock and anger i dnt think they will be very receptive to both your needs and wishes...
    .: Rufaida :.
    .:Fa Firroo Ila-llaah:.
    http://s61.photobucket.com/albums/h6...th_Silence.jpg
    “People praise you for what they suppose is in you,
    but you must blame your soul for what you know is in you.”
    ~ Ibn Atallah

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    • #3
      Re: life is one great big problem.... and so are family

      I'm really sorry to hear about your situation sister ... may Allah swt guide you.

      I'm assuming you have muslim parents?

      IF so, then u have a wali ... why would you need someone else? and is ur marriage valid in that case?

      I really think you should see someone knowledgeable ...

      Marriages shouldnt be kept a secret for the reasons you have give ... they should be announced openly ...
      When you were born you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying...

      Man's way leads to a hopeless end...Allah's way leads to an endless hope

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      • #4
        Re: life is one great big problem.... and so are family

        neway out of fear of family and our situation both as students, financially we didnt have the means to support us if we were to be independant of family life... we decided to get our nikah done despite this, there was a walli present, a kind brother who offered single handedly, and two witnesses... however the walli wasnt a relative of mine, and our families still have no clue as to our marriage...
        thats not a wali

        .. everytime we were together there were always friends around, soo Alhamdullilah it was cool.
        this don't make it okay

        and tbh he doesn't sound so god fearing to me, sorray if i sound mean
        Allahu Alem
        Some claim that u are like any one of us, But who can claim, to have visited the Arsh? We say bashr, but respect is also due. For mankind are like rocks, but a pearl are u. U travelled the 7Heavens, and ur eyes did not lie. For Jibril could not pass, but u, O Madani, glided by.

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        • #5
          Re: life is one great big problem.... and so are family

          I do not understand people like you. If you have the guts to marry behind your parents back

          Then you have the guts to tell them!!!!

          Why doesnt one of you quit uni and start work for a while, get a council house or maybe rent??

          It is the only way, Tell your parents, get it out in the open. Secrets are a

          Btw all the best....xxx
          My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
          ‘O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.’
          “Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

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          • #6
            Re: life is one great big problem.... and so are family

            I agree with Fairy .. just take responsibility for your actions .. that includes the both of you!

            If you have to give up something, then so be it .. theres no easy solution out of this!
            When you were born you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying...

            Man's way leads to a hopeless end...Allah's way leads to an endless hope

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            • #7
              Re: life is one great big problem.... and so are family

              Tell your potential spouse to go to a local mufti (one who is patient and understanding) and narrate this same story, also do so yourself (through a third party if possible b/c I don't know if it is proper for a sister to approach a male mufti) to double check. If you truly want to know if your marriage was valid you need to do this first, and if not what can be done to remedy the situation. He should be able to offer advice inshallah. Then you can worry about the parental situation. Make haste though because if you're doubting whether or not your marriage was valid the situation is very serious. Also, how can your parents not know that you are living with your spouse since you don't live at home. I assume, that they assume, you are just living with friends at uni?? May Allah make it easy for you to resolve this issue sister. Ameen.
              Al-Hasan Al-Basree said: people are the same in health but when hardship befalls they show distinction. Ibn al Qayyim :love:

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              • #8
                Re: life is one great big problem.... and so are family

                My grandmother refused her daughter to marry this man 10 years ago, for cultural/tribal reasons. Her daughter (my aunt) reluctantly accepted an ultimatum that was given to her because of this, choose between her husband or her mother. She chose her mother. Now my grandmother regrets that and cries whenever it is mentioned, because she sees her daughter miserable at the age of 31, still single with no marriage prospects whilst the man she wanted to marry is now happily married with children. And what was gained by this?

                Any parent who forces their child into a position like that deserves no love from that child, and any child who gives in to such a pathetic demand will live in regret over that for the rest of their natural lives. I, have no sympathy for either.

                And that goes to this other brother here on the forums winging that his mommy and daddy aren't dancing with joy about his blessed wife/marriage. Makes me sick. You people dont realise how lucky you are to have even found such spouses.

                But then again, the fact that you come here with such stupid questions and scenarios shows you probably deserve these moral dilemma's. Grow up and live your lives
                Last edited by Kal-El; 27-04-08, 05:57 AM.
                If you read this closely enough you might spot the secret message hidden in it

                Mr President, You Are Wrong

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                • #9
                  Re: life is one great big problem.... and so are family

                  Life is not one great big problem. You should know better that its one big Test, and your family are "suppose" to be there to help you / support you. By no way are they problems.
                  " The issue in palestine will not be solved by the United States or any western country. It's not going to be solved by Dan Six Pack or Sally Soccer mom! " Anwar Al-Awlaki

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                  • #10
                    Re: life is one great big problem.... and so are family

                    salamz all,

                    thanks for ur replies.... firstly id like to say i put up the thread for a bit of friendly advice or support... no ones perfect we all make mistakes im sure ur not all saints and still go wrong somewhere along the lines, so no i dont appreciate all the cynicsm.... furthermore, i try and strive to adhere to ma deen, but its sooo confussing wen u got so many different opinions amongst scholars and everyone just generally... the scholar who done the nikah said its fine etc etc, just the fact that wen family doo find out its gonna b hard but otherwise the WAlli is valid and theres no problem, a few others hav sed the same thing, and then therz some who disagree... its controversial basikally....

                    neway, as for them knowing, no one apart from a few friends no of the situation, the idea was to tell them afterwards not that were married but that we want to get married therefore, they therefore, wouldnt no wot really happend...

                    as for just assuming they wont accept... we both no they wont accept... my mum has made it clear she will disown me if i marry out of the culture and his mum and dad said the same thing... so this was all known to us befor the nikah was done, my dad will no way be my WAlli and nor would my brothers and they have made that clear too, even my sister says she would disown me and wants nothing to do wiv me... so the picture is clear... thats why wot happened, happened..

                    also, for example, if we hadnt had the nikah done, and we told our parents, i no for a fact mine would separate me and i dunno force me to marry or what not, but i refused, thats invalid, i personally wouldnt want to marry anyone else, how could u wen u've already found ur life partner.... the fact is that at the time, we stay strong despite how much **** we have to take, coz wer'e already together as a married couple....

                    also say for example, that we didnt have the nikah done, and his mum was cursing as usual, and demanding that he stay with her etc etc, and to choose her over me, is it islamically sinful that he disrespect his mother for a FUTURE wife or not?? (just assuming that the nikah hadnt been done)

                    p.s. wat i really need rite now is help and advice i know u lot are thinking take responsibility etc etc and i no ur rite, we were to blame for the mess, however, we would still be in a mess wen it would all come out... families dont want to accept deen they rather follow culture... to tthe extent they would use physical violence to stop two people marrying under Allah (swt) go ahead... my other half got beaten up by his father all because of this and i think hez got more of that to come.. wen he tells em hez going through with the nikah whether they like it or not (obviously he isnt gonna tell em its already bin done)....

                    plus therez more to the situation, much more, but thats really reallly personal, and i jus cant get myself to share that.... so please dont judge merely on a page of scribble and make funny comments.... despite wot happens as a sister if someone come to me WAllah id always inshAllah be willing to help as much as possible, i wouldnt look down on the person and snarl at them and say ha ha ur in a mess ur a bad person... so much for support amongst the ummah... thats life WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES, WE'RE HUMAN AFTER ALL!

                    Jazaks

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                    • #11
                      Re: life is one great big problem.... and so are family

                      something i forgot to mention.. the nikah was by the scholar who follows the teachings of imam abu hanifah and so do me and my other half and the WAlli who was present, bassed the nikahs justification on this:

                      ''The followers of Imam Abu Hanifah stated that the permission of the guardian is not a condition, and they based their conclusion upon many evidences, such as the hadith narrated by Muslim and the Four Narrators of Hadith, that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) stated: "The previously married woman shall have the right to decide for herself, whilst the consent of the virgin shall be sought to be married, and a sign of her consent being granted is her keeping silent." They added that that the permission of the guardian only becomes a condition if the girl is under the age of puberty. They also said that: If the adult sound-minded woman married herself (without the interference of her guardian), her marriage would be valid given all other conditions are fulfilled. Her guardian maintains the right to appeal to the Judge and request the annulment of the contract''

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                      • #12
                        Re: life is one great big problem.... and so are family

                        Sister no one is "snarling" at you etc, but do you really expect people to tell you that what you did is a good thing. How can you deal with the situation if your not first willing to deal with the fact that you might have made a mistake in how you handled things?
                        The attitude with the parents needs to change. Telling them you will get married "whether they like it or not" will obviously make them annoyed, at least try to make it easier for them to accept by good treatment towards them, good manners and approaching the situation with a bit of humbleness? Advice is not to judge you or look down, but for your own sake. Dealing with your parents now in a bad way will only make the situation worse on both of you.
                        .: Rufaida :.
                        .:Fa Firroo Ila-llaah:.
                        http://s61.photobucket.com/albums/h6...th_Silence.jpg
                        “People praise you for what they suppose is in you,
                        but you must blame your soul for what you know is in you.”
                        ~ Ibn Atallah

                        Ramadan Activities for Children
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                        • #13
                          Re: life is one great big problem.... and so are family

                          I'm sorry i was harsh on u sis ... u have our sympathies .. i think its because this issue has become such a trend ... we forget the hardships that ppl are enduding *hugs*

                          The only piece of advice i can give u is that you tell ur parents and he his. If your parents 'disown' u, and insha'allah they wont, then ul have to live with the consequences ...

                          and if his parents dont accept, he'll have to find u accomomdations ... and you two need to live like proper family in the opn and not secretly.

                          The sooner you do this, the better for the both of you .. the more u delay it .. the more problems u will incur in the future!

                          thats why I though u should have just told your parents from the beginning and if believe you didnt need a wali .. then you could have still gotten married if none accepted ...

                          Thats the best advice i can give .. just bring it out in the open and deal with it ... maybe its not wat u wana hear .. but i really dont see no other choice ... but maybe ppl on ummah with a similar position can guide you better, inshaAllah

                          and finally .. may Allah swt guide you, make this hardship easy for the both of you.
                          When you were born you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying...

                          Man's way leads to a hopeless end...Allah's way leads to an endless hope

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                          • #14
                            Re: life is one great big problem.... and so are family

                            What we were giving you was 'tough love' :inlove:
                            My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
                            ‘O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.’
                            “Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

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                            • #15
                              Re: life is one great big problem.... and so are family

                              I rem I was in pakistan a month back and I came across this same situation. The wali that was a relative of yours should be a family member, immediate family member, i.e dad bro etc? Thats what I've been told...if not the nikah is not valid
                              Never give the devil a ride, He will always want to drive

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