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When does compromise become compromising .

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  • #31
    Re: When does compromise become compromising .

    Originally posted by umm shuyookh View Post
    you are simply marvelous, sister Z in J, my little addition to the loads of advice you've been given is; keep doing whatever you can to make your husband happy, even if you have to take the blame when you feel you should not. the reward you get is twofold; a happy marriage and the ultimate reward promised by Allah's prophet to women who obey their husbands and those women whose husbands feel happy by looking at them.
    insha Allah. please don't look at it as a bad thing that you are always the one who has to give in, infact find a way of being happy with that, and consider yourself a good muslim for 'giving in'. do you know this hadith sister?
    ...of the women of jannah is she who if her husband is angry with her says, "my hand is in your hand" or "i will not sleep until you sleep". now i know it is not easy but you've been doing this for some time, and insha Allah you can continue, perhaps this is your test and you may agree that its not one bigger than you can handle insha Allah. many of our dear sisters who are divorced were having problems they probably could do nothing about, but your own 'problem' is not beyond your control insha Allah. may Allah assist you in your marriage and give you the best.
    Jazaak Allah, Yes I have read that hadith I think that is the main reason I keep my mouth shut Mansha Allah.
    Thanks Sis
    My Ummi-"You can't help who’s feelings get hurt by the TRUTH"
    ME @ 5 yrs old-Yeah, But You can sure try to put it in a way that will not make it hurt so bad...Right Nana? "
    My Ummi- Right Baby :inlove:.

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    • #32
      Re: When does compromise become compromising .

      Originally posted by Ebony View Post
      My keeping score comment was tongue in cheek. You can't do that because marriage and compromises you make aren't about who's walking over who and who's giving in to who. Its not a game and its not about figuring out who's better than the other according to who compromises more/less. Sometimes one person will compromise more than the other and he/she may appreciate them for it. Is that right or wrong? Who knows. It may work perfectly well for some people, for others it may not. There's no standard set rule for these things.

      When the compromising becomes a one way street and is straining the marriage and/or the husband/wife- then its time to discuss it. Perhaps they dont even know how the other feels. And if you dont say, then no-one knows. Your partner isnt a mind reader (as useful as that would be!) Communication is important.
      I understand what you mean thank you Sis. Insha Allah I will find the proper way to initiate a conversation where the outcome is beneficial to both of us. Or at the very least I am bringing to his attention so that he knows how I feel.
      My Ummi-"You can't help who’s feelings get hurt by the TRUTH"
      ME @ 5 yrs old-Yeah, But You can sure try to put it in a way that will not make it hurt so bad...Right Nana? "
      My Ummi- Right Baby :inlove:.

      Comment


      • #33
        Re: When does compromise become compromising .

        Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
        Does your husband know how you feel? He probably doesn't so you should talk to him about it. Communication is a key factor in marriage and every day relationships. Plus if you don't communicate how will he ever know what he is doing wrong?
        I would be a fool to say you are wrong I just don't know how to go about it in a way that will not offend him or appear as if I am pointing the finger all on him. Allah knows I don't want to upset him all over again. I know a lot of the blame is on me as well because had I brought it up sooner it may not appear as if I am bringing up old stuff. Insha Allah will get some more good advice from my wonderful sisters and brothers here.
        My Ummi-"You can't help who’s feelings get hurt by the TRUTH"
        ME @ 5 yrs old-Yeah, But You can sure try to put it in a way that will not make it hurt so bad...Right Nana? "
        My Ummi- Right Baby :inlove:.

        Comment


        • #34
          Re: When does compromise become compromising .

          Originally posted by Cashew View Post
          For a marriage to truly work, both husband and wife must understand that...

          The best interests of the husband and the best interests of the wife are the same and inseparable.

          Marriage isn't a contest or game in which one side wins and the other side loses.

          In other words, there shouldn't be compromises, but solutions.
          Thank you. I wish it were that easy.
          My Ummi-"You can't help who’s feelings get hurt by the TRUTH"
          ME @ 5 yrs old-Yeah, But You can sure try to put it in a way that will not make it hurt so bad...Right Nana? "
          My Ummi- Right Baby :inlove:.

          Comment


          • #35
            Re: When does compromise become compromising .

            sister, after the problem occured, have you stopped to think critically about what had happened even if it's for 5 minutes? If so, did you honestly come up with the conclusion that it was his mistake and you did nothing wrong?
            I looooooooooooooooooooooooooove Saudi.:inlove::inlove::inlove: I truely dooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.:) :) :)

            Comment


            • #36
              Re: When does compromise become compromising .

              Originally posted by Saudi Prince View Post
              sister, after the problem occured, have you stopped to think critically about what had happened even if it's for 5 minutes? If so, did you honestly come up with the conclusion that it was his mistake and you did nothing wrong?
              Good question but that is really is not the issue.
              It's not that I am saying he is always wrong this time or any other time. My issue is no matter WHO is wrong, after the days of silence and trying to avoid one another and being just like "room mates" or pals I am (more often than not) the one who goes to him and says “My love let's get over it or lets talk about it” etc. I don't like a tense, unhappy Husband, household or marriage. I know it will not always be peaches and cream, but I just want to resolve the issues sooner than later so we can go back to being happy or normal that we know. I feel like if I don't initiate the apology or reconciliation he never will. Most of the time I don't wait more than three days to see if he will come around but hey that’s me. Does that make sense? Insha Allah you have a better understanding about what I mean.
              My Ummi-"You can't help who’s feelings get hurt by the TRUTH"
              ME @ 5 yrs old-Yeah, But You can sure try to put it in a way that will not make it hurt so bad...Right Nana? "
              My Ummi- Right Baby :inlove:.

              Comment


              • #37
                Re: When does compromise become compromising .

                Originally posted by Zaina in Jena View Post
                Good question but that is really is not the issue.
                It's not that I am saying he is always wrong this time or any other time. My issue is no matter WHO is wrong, after the days of silence and trying to avoid one another and being just like "room mates" or pals I am (more often than not) the one who goes to him and says “My love let's get over it or lets talk about it” etc. I don't like a tense, unhappy Husband, household or marriage. I know it will not always be peaches and cream, but I just want to resolve the issues sooner than later so we can go back to being happy or normal that we know. I feel like if I don't initiate the apology or reconciliation he never will. Most of the time I don't wait more than three days to see if he will come around but hey that’s me. Does that make sense? Insha Allah you have a better understanding about what I mean.
                Okay. If the argument was over a trivial thing and all you need to do is just say "let's get over it or lets talk about it" then you should have no problem with that. Why is it a problem when you have the chance to prove yourself to be the one who is wiser and nicer. Remember that if I'm nice to you and your nice to me then this really doesn't mean you're a nice person but you'll prove that your nice when people make mistake with you and forgive them.

                However, if the sacle of the problem is bigger than this and you honestly think that he is the one who made the mistake then:

                1- Try to be patient and just forgive him if you can and remember that you're the wiser person here.
                2- If you can't do it then try to write a letter explaining the problem nicely and just ask him about what he thinks about it...don't try to say whose fault it was.. then leave it for him in a place where he will be able to find it. Then, see what his reaction will be.

                And whenever a problem occurs, remember to ask yourself this question, what would I lose if I made such a compromise. If the answer is nothing or nearly nothing then why not make it?

                I believe the situation will improve gradually and he will change by time. BTW, can you read or understand Arabic?
                I looooooooooooooooooooooooooove Saudi.:inlove::inlove::inlove: I truely dooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.:) :) :)

                Comment


                • #38
                  Re: When does compromise become compromising .

                  Originally posted by Saudi Prince View Post
                  Okay. If the argument was over a trivial thing and all you need to do is just say "let's get over it or lets talk about it" then you should have no problem with that. Why is it a problem when you have the chance to prove yourself to be the one who is wiser and nicer. Remember that if I'm nice to you and your nice to me then this really doesn't mean you're a nice person but you'll prove that your nice when people make mistake with you and forgive them.

                  However, if the sacle of the problem is bigger than this and you honestly think that he is the one who made the mistake then:

                  1- Try to be patient and just forgive him if you can and remember that you're the wiser person here.
                  2- If you can't do it then try to write a letter explaining the problem nicely and just ask him about what he thinks about it...don't try to say whose fault it was.. then leave it for him in a place where he will be able to find it. Then, see what his reaction will be.

                  And whenever a problem occurs, remember to ask yourself this question, what would I lose if I made such a compromise. If the answer is nothing or nearly nothing then why not make it?

                  I believe the situation will improve gradually and he will change by time. BTW, can you read or understand Arabic?
                  Thank you Brother for you advice I truly value it as well as everyone else's. I guess I want the best for both of us I don't want to be the wiser person I want a happy medium. It is just apart of who I am to rush to resolve an issue I have always been that way, Insha Allah in his time and when I can muster up the nerve and the words to bring it to the table I will see a change in him like you said. Sadly no I can not read Arabic; I understand surahs yes and basic terms and expressions. Other things not as much as I should . Why do you ask?
                  My Ummi-"You can't help who’s feelings get hurt by the TRUTH"
                  ME @ 5 yrs old-Yeah, But You can sure try to put it in a way that will not make it hurt so bad...Right Nana? "
                  My Ummi- Right Baby :inlove:.

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Re: When does compromise become compromising .

                    Originally posted by Zaina in Jena View Post
                    Thank you Brother for you advice I truly value it as well as everyone else's. I guess I want the best for both of us I don't want to be the wiser person I want a happy medium. It is just apart of who I am to rush to resolve an issue I have always been that way, Insha Allah in his time and when I can muster up the nerve and the words to bring it to the table I will see a change in him like you said. Sadly no I can not read Arabic; I understand surahs yes and basic terms and expressions. Other things not as much as I should . Why do you ask?
                    I asked because sometimes I listen to some Islamic speeches by some eloquent speakers and with the verses they give, the hadiths and the examples of amazing people of early Islamic gnerations, I just come to the conclusion that everyone should forgive others not matter how hugely they may have wronged him. I thought you may understand Arabic and it might be helpful if I look for such materials for you but since this is not the case may Allah help you both.
                    I looooooooooooooooooooooooooove Saudi.:inlove::inlove::inlove: I truely dooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.:) :) :)

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Re: When does compromise become compromising .

                      Originally posted by Saudi Prince View Post
                      I asked because sometimes I listen to some Islamic speeches by some eloquent speakers and with the verses they give, the hadiths and the examples of amazing people of early Islamic gnerations, I just come to the conclusion that everyone should forgive others not matter how hugely they may have wronged him. I thought you may understand Arabic and it might be helpful if I look for such materials for you but since this is not the case may Allah help you both.
                      Your intent was not in vain thank you Insha Allah one day sooner than later I will be able to utilize such resources.
                      My Ummi-"You can't help who’s feelings get hurt by the TRUTH"
                      ME @ 5 yrs old-Yeah, But You can sure try to put it in a way that will not make it hurt so bad...Right Nana? "
                      My Ummi- Right Baby :inlove:.

                      Comment

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