When does compromise become compromising .

[Te'oma]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

My wife describes a compromise as being when 2 people have a disagreement and the solution leaves neither one happy nor satisfied...she's not the easiest one to live with at times :p

[PiElle2]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

how about... agree to disagree...? and may the right way prevail... with time...

[Umm Farooq]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

Asalamalikum.

Well sis I know how much it hurts when a wife falls out with her husband over something...and I also know how 'small' and frustrated you feel when you think you have to always be the one to back down....
....but (and I'll admit that this is hard and I'm still trying to perfect the art!) in the end you should try and take a deep breath and think "inshallah I'll be looked on kindly on the last day if I DO back down to my husband (or any one who wont accept they are wrong and argue with you constantly) because I realise how wrong it is if I'M the one to carry on a conflict".

You should obviously voice your opinion, and if someone is definately wrong about something you should try to correct them....but if they wont budge arguing is not going to change it and you will just be responcible for carrying on a conflict...which is baaaaad. You don't need that on your list of deeds/quailities.

Inshallah you'll sort it out one way or another!

[Zaina in Jena]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

Many thanks to you all for such great advice and suggestions Mansha Allah. I did not give in this time, I simply made the choice to come home from work and act as if the whole thing never happened. At first he was a bit apprehensive, but eventually he did come around a started being less like a brick wall and more affectionate. To some (I am also on the fence) this may be the same as if I still was the one to compromise because we really did not have much conversation going on before I did that. Although I did not apologize and take all of the blame, I still have a sense if "it's the same thing you silly girl" in the back of my mind. I think you all are right I need to address the issue since it has the potential of becoming a much worst issue. Right now we don't have any children, but what happens when Insha Allah we do and all this time I am passive and compromising and one day the ticking time bomb (me) explodes because I am just so fed up. Not good for anyone, but especially not good for children (just ask me). I have made up my mind to talk about it with him, but I gotta say I am very reluctant and a bit worried. Should I ask him to have a counseling session with our Imam? Or is that insult to injury? I just feel like he may not hear me or take my concerns the wrong way and our Imam can kinda stop him in his tracks and clarify. How should I word it so that I am not headed back into another argumentative situation. May Allah (swt) reward you. Ameen.

[me.sawda]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

Asalamalikum.

Well sis I know how much it hurts when a wife falls out with her husband over something...and I also know how 'small' and frustrated you feel when you think you have to always be the one to back down....
....but (and I'll admit that this is hard and I'm still trying to perfect the art!) in the end you should try and take a deep breath and think "inshallah I'll be looked on kindly on the last day if I DO back down to my husband (or any one who wont accept they are wrong and argue with you constantly) because I realise how wrong it is if I'M the one to carry on a conflict".

You should obviously voice your opinion, and if someone is definately wrong about something you should try to correct them....but if they wont budge arguing is not going to change it and you will just be responcible for carrying on a conflict...which is baaaaad. You don't need that on your list of deeds/quailities.

Inshallah you'll sort it out one way or another!

:sub: you said so well:inlove:
There are greater reward for the one who settles the conflict between two. There's one hadeeth like that.
Hope someone here will quote it:insha:


Let's be the first to come forward and stop quarrels,argument and what so ever which separates and worsens relationship.
Our Prophet :saw: was given such hard time by people of Makkah but, when he heard he/she is ill or needs help. He used to help them irregardless of what behavior they did on him.
This incident of Prophet:saw: time inspires me a lot!
A very old Women used to spread thorns in the way of Our Prophet each day to cause him pain and trouble. Prophet:saw: always used to remove thorns quietly. One day there were no thorns in the way and Prophet:saw: came to know this old women is seriously ill. He went to her home and found out she lives alone and none to take care of her at this ailment time. Prophet:saw: took care of her and this made that women think and reflect of her actions she did on Prophet:saw:
As a Muslim isn't our role model prophet:saw:? Can there be any other best way other than tolerance in such situation of conflict and be the first to move for settlement?
The best amongst you are those who are best in conduct
(TMQ Luqman:13:31)
Fe'amanillah Ukhtee ;)

[Zaina in Jena]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

:sub: you said so well:inlove:
There are greater reward for the one who settles the conflict between two. There's one hadeeth like that.
Hope someone here will quote it:insha:


Let's be the first to come forward and stop quarrels,argument and what so ever which separates and worsens relationship.
Our Prophet :saw: was given such hard time by people of Makkah but, when he heard he/she is ill or needs help. He used to help them irregardless of what behavior they did on him.
This incident of Prophet:saw: time inspires me a lot!
A very old Women used to spread thorns in the way of Our Prophet each day to cause him pain and trouble. Prophet:saw: always used to remove thorns quietly. One day there were no thorns in the way and Prophet:saw: came to know this old women is seriously ill. He went to her home and found out she lives alone and none to take care of her at this ailment time. Prophet:saw: took care of her and this made that women think and reflect of her actions she did on Prophet:saw:
As a Muslim isn't our role model prophet:saw:? Can there be any other best way other than tolerance in such situation of conflict and be the first to move for settlement?
The best amongst you are those who are best in conduct
(TMQ Luqman:13:31)
Fe'amanillah Ukhtee ;)

What a beautiful and perfect example we have in our Prophet (pbuh) Jazaak Allah.

[Zaina in Jena]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

My wife describes a compromise as being when 2 people have a disagreement and the solution leaves neither one happy nor satisfied...she's not the easiest one to live with at times :p

I'm sorry to hear that and her definition of compromise could use a revision LOL, Insha Allah One day brother.

[PiElle2]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

Many thanks to you all for such great advice and suggestions Mansha Allah. I did not give in this time, I simply made the choice to come home from work and act as if the whole thing never happened. At first he was a bit apprehensive, but eventually he did come around a started being less like a brick wall and more affectionate. To some (I am also on the fence) this may be the same as if I still was the one to compromise because we really did not have much conversation going on before I did that. Although I did not apologize and take all of the blame, I still have a sense if "it's the same thing you silly girl" in the back of my mind. I think you all are right I need to address the issue since it has the potential of becoming a much worst issue. Right now we don't have any children, but what happens when Insha Allah we do and all this time I am passive and compromising and one day the ticking time bomb (me) explodes because I am just so fed up. Not good for anyone, but especially not good for children (just ask me). I have made up my mind to talk about it with him, but I gotta say I am very reluctant and a bit worried. Should I ask him to have a counseling session with our Imam? Or is that insult to injury? I just feel like he may not hear me or take my concerns the wrong way and our Imam can kinda stop him in his tracks and clarify. How should I word it so that I am not headed back into another argumentative situation. May Allah (swt) reward you. Ameen.

first of all, may Allah grant you a blissful marriage. then pat yourself on your back for keeping any arguments away from your marriage.

if you want a good relationship, you have to make a decision to do it and not have arguments with your husband.

you have to understand that your husband (men in general) appreciate you for not making a fuss over small issues... you yourself said you do not have kids yet, imagine if you cannot handle small issues.

remember it takes 2 to argue.

:)

[peace2u]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

I think it is easier for us to compromise and say sorry (even if we are right) because we don't have the need to prove anything. Men are the maintainers and protectors, so I think they are under a lot of pressure to be or look like they are in control of everything, including relationships. Since we don't feel the need to be the alpha male, we don't necessarily feel inferior or "henpecked" if the husband wins all the battles. IMO


Peace

[Ebony]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

Compromise is easy in theory, its hard in practise. Compromise CAN become comprising and you feel you're being walked all over. But then again its not exactly as easy as keeping a score sheet and adding up how many times who compromises over what.

Sometimes you just gotta give before you can take.

[Zaina in Jena]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

Compromise is easy in theory, its hard in practise. Compromise CAN become comprising and you feel you're being walked all over. But then again its not exactly as easy as keeping a score sheet and adding up how many times who compromises over what.

Sometimes you just gotta give before you can take.

I may be interpreting this wrong I don't know? So please correct me if I am wrong in my interpretations. My giving is clearly not the issue. In a marriage both parties need to know when to give as well as receive. Keeping Score? I don’t think so.

[Cashew]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

For a marriage to truly work, both husband and wife must understand that...

The best interests of the husband and the best interests of the wife are the same and inseparable.

Marriage isn't a contest or game in which one side wins and the other side loses.

In other words, there shouldn't be compromises, but solutions.

[Pippin1376]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

Does your husband know how you feel? He probably doesn't so you should talk to him about it. Communication is a key factor in marriage and every day relationships. Plus if you don't communicate how will he ever know what he is doing wrong?

[Ebony]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

I may be interpreting this wrong I don't know? So please correct me if I am wrong in my interpretations. My giving is clearly not the issue. In a marriage both parties need to know when to give as well as receive. Keeping Score? I don’t think so.

My keeping score comment was tongue in cheek. You can't do that because marriage and compromises you make aren't about who's walking over who and who's giving in to who. Its not a game and its not about figuring out who's better than the other according to who compromises more/less. Sometimes one person will compromise more than the other and he/she may appreciate them for it. Is that right or wrong? Who knows. It may work perfectly well for some people, for others it may not. There's no standard set rule for these things.

When the compromising becomes a one way street and is straining the marriage and/or the husband/wife- then its time to discuss it. Perhaps they dont even know how the other feels. And if you dont say, then no-one knows. Your partner isnt a mind reader (as useful as that would be!) Communication is important.

[umm shuyookh]

Re: When does compromise become compromising .

you are simply marvelous, sister Z in J, my little addition to the loads of advice you've been given is; keep doing whatever you can to make your husband happy, even if you have to take the blame when you feel you should not. the reward you get is twofold; a happy marriage and the ultimate reward promised by Allah's prophet to women who obey their husbands and those women whose husbands feel happy by looking at them.
insha Allah. please don't look at it as a bad thing that you are always the one who has to give in, infact find a way of being happy with that, and consider yourself a good muslim for 'giving in'. do you know this hadith sister?
...of the women of jannah is she who if her husband is angry with her says, "my hand is in your hand" or "i will not sleep until you sleep". now i know it is not easy but you've been doing this for some time, and insha Allah you can continue, perhaps this is your test and you may agree that its not one bigger than you can handle insha Allah. many of our dear sisters who are divorced were having problems they probably could do nothing about, but your own 'problem' is not beyond your control insha Allah. may Allah assist you in your marriage and give you the best.