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marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!

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  • marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!

    I am a Muslim which I am proud to be, I know a lot about my religion but there is a whole lot I don’t know but I am trying to study Islam as much as I can. However, as I’m growing older and maturing, I find more and more things in Islam that I just simply don’t get. One of them being this keeping 4 wives thing about men in Islam. I want to know what this ‘a Muslim man can have 4 wives’ really means? I mean there has to be some conditions on which a guy can marry 4 times. What exactly are these conditions as prescribed by Islam ? if it is that a man can marry another women only if the current wife gives him permission to do so. but then, why would a wife who is living happily with his husband want her husband to marry someone else without any genuine reasons??? I don’t think a man needs another wife when he is living a pretty happy life with his current wife and kids. Occasional fights and problems and misunderstandings are of course not the reason for a man to marry someone else without divorcing the current wife, abandoning his wife and his children.

    I just found out about this girl A (she’s about 28) whose husband brought home another girl and introduced her as his second wife. Girl A has 3 kids with this man and had been living together seemingly happily for 9 years. There were most probably a lot of conflicts going on between girl A and this man, but isn’t that just about a normal thing? I mean husband and wives fight every so often mostly about things that shouldn’t matter in the first place. But these fights and problems don’t mean they’re not getting along well and they should just get separated right away.

    So this guy brings home girl B and tells girl A not to tell anyone about this (the parents and siblings of this guy sure did know about this before). But finding out about girl B, girl A was totally shattered and she cried a lot and told her siblings about this.

    When the guy got to know girl A has been telling everyone about her husband’s second marriage, he got mad and beat the hell out of this girl A. This girl A took her 3 little kids ( 3-8 yrs old) and left home immediately.

    I feel so sorry for this girl A because she is my relative, a very good friend and my dad’s cousin too. She looks so young and pretty, no one who doesn’t know her can tell she’s 28. and most importantly she is a very nice lady. Before all this happened, she used to laugh a lot and was always happy and joking about things making all the other people burst into laugh. You know, the happy-go-lucky kind. She was exactly that. But her life turned upside down when she found out her husband had married again without asking or at least telling beforehand.

    On top of all this, the guy is not even telling why exactly did he marry this another girl when nothing was really bad with his first wife. The guy was not sexually satisfied with girl A is so far the most probable reason. But I don't get this. Because it’s not even that they were financially unstable or something. They were not really well-off but the guy works in a Bank so he earns pretty much enough for his joint family. Plus this girl A is a teacher but she doesn’t earn much. But still, something is better than nothing. Girl A was at least trying her level best to help her husband. So what went wrong? Whatever it was, the point is , did the guy have a right to do this with her first wife and 3 innocent little kids??? Is it even morally correct?? What does Islam say about this ???

    I really really really hate how Muslim men, including my father, justify their right of being able to keep 4 wives simultaneously. They say ‘it’s the Shariyah (shariyat) that says men can marry 4 times, not us’ … well …. I don’t care about the Shariyah then if it allows someone to be so cruel to marry another woman when he already has a wife and children. What the hell is up with the Shariyah, huh ??? who made all these rules? Not Allah, I am so sure. Because Allah cannot be cruel to make such rules which are only for the benefits of Muslim men.
    Last edited by Takeiteasy; 26-09-07, 04:13 PM.

  • #2
    Re: marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!

    Well he didn't need her permission, nor did he need to inform her prior to taking a new bride, as a muslim woman she should have known that.

    So sorry to hear what happened though. :(
    Freedom has a thousand charms to show,
    That slaves, howe'er contented, never know.
    -William Cowper

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!


      Sister I feel for your friend... The reason 4 wives is allowed is because you have women who are either divorced or widowed or have no family etc who need a man to look after them, also it has to be done in accordance to the rules... i.e treating them equally etc. Also note that one can only marry again if he can treat her equally... that dont mean pair of shoes for both it means equal amount of love... so if you cant provide this then you are not allowed to marry...

      if the girls husband beat her up and he was trying to hide his marriage shows about his charcater... dont fault the religion fault the sinner.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!

        as'salaamu alaikum,

        inshallah i'll just make few quick comments on the issue on hand.

        Firstly, the man can marry more than one girl and does not need permission from his first wife. It is, however, good manners and important that he tells her of his intentions and makes her informed. Some (imaams) even say if it will damage/break his first marriage then he shouldn't marry again, no need to light a new house and burn the old.

        As for keeping it a secrete, it is sunnah and command of the Prophet (saws) to announce the marriage in the community. this helps every know and stops fitnah of others seeing the man with a new woman outside. So he should have told others rather then telling his wife to keep quite. he was also wrong to strike her and she was wrong to leave him (if it was not short term leave) without proper mediation to work things out first.

        Lastly, Muslim men are allowed to marry 4 wives. it is a command and permission given by Allah. Shar'iah is islamic law which is also based on Quran and sunnah. So to curse the shairyah and say you are "sure" Allah did not made these "rules" is unbecoming of any Muslims and rather are statements of an angry person or one lacking knowledge on that topic. It is our duty to learn Islam, seek knowledge, so we are not left asking such questions nor making such remarks without having proper knowledge to understand.

        Men are allowed 4 wives, but it's just not that simple either. There's guidelines and conditions that must be met. Like, if he can support both wives financially, emotionally, and other ways equally. if he can treat them equally. Some men are more fair then others therefore some men make better husband in polygamy then others. True men are allowed 4 wives, but it's something not everyone can do. Allah says marry 1, 2, 3 or 4 BUT if you fear you may transgress and treat them unfairly then ONLY 1 will be better.

        See:
        http://www.islamqa.com/index.php?ref...g&txt=polygamy
        Last edited by Desipower; 26-09-07, 05:04 PM.
        Nobody made a greater mistake than they who did nothing because they thought they could only do a little. - Edmund Burke

        You are NOT a true believer until you love for your sister what you love for yourself!

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        • #5
          Re: marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!

          mmm Allah knows best...we only hearing one side and to give a fair view of things its always best to know both sides of the story

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          • #6
            Re: marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!

            Firstly he is allowed to marry a second, third or fourth wife and he DOES NOT need to ask the first wife's permission.

            Secondly it's his wife and he is allowed to beat her (according to many scholar's interpretation of Islam) and so he did nothing wrong there either!

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!

              Originally posted by Lone Wolf View Post
              Firstly he is allowed to marry a second, third or fourth wife and he DOES NOT need to ask the first wife's permission.

              Secondly it's his wife and he is allowed to beat her (according to many scholar's interpretation of Islam) and so he did nothing wrong there either!
              He 'beat the hell' out of her ... i picture puching and kicking ... possible bruises.

              Islamically he's not allowed to beat her in such a manner.

              A light tap with a miswak stick is something more acceptable islamically, brother.


              As for ur cousin ... i really dont know what to say ... although hurt and ashamed, he did nothing wrong in marrying. He shouldnt have beaten her or hidden the second marriage.

              Best advice ... i think is for her to think of the kids and try to work things out and at least give the marriage a go ... maybe things will work out for the best. Im assuming he didnt beat in such a manner as u described on a regular basis.

              Trying one more time will certainly do no harm.
              When you were born you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying...

              Man's way leads to a hopeless end...Allah's way leads to an endless hope

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              • #8
                Re: marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!

                Originally posted by Lone Wolf View Post
                Firstly he is allowed to marry a second, third or fourth wife and he DOES NOT need to ask the first wife's permission.

                Secondly it's his wife and he is allowed to beat her (according to many scholar's interpretation of Islam) and so he did nothing wrong there either!

                Yes is it his right to marry upto 4 wives provided he treats them equally. He should in no way be deceptive about it and it should be something done openly.

                ...The reason behind beating his wife??? A woman is distressed - has she committed a major crime by confiding in her siblings? It's so annoying when people thinking 'beating wives' is 'allowed'. Only under certain circumstances is a husband allowed to do so.
                "Ask the people of remembrance if you do not know" - Surah Anbiya, 7

                Comment


                • #9
                  Erm...

                  Originally posted by Takeiteasy View Post
                  I really really really hate how Muslim men, including my father, justify their right of being able to keep 4 wives simultaneously. They say ‘it’s the Shariyah (shariyat) that says men can marry 4 times, not us’ … well …. I don’t care about the Shariyah then if it allows someone to be so cruel to marry another woman when he already has a wife and children. What the hell is up with the Shariyah, huh ??? who made all these rules? Not Allah, I am so sure. Because Allah cannot be cruel to make such rules which are only for the benefits of Muslim men.
                  Hate is a strong word and best not to talk badly of others, particularly your father in this blessed month.

                  Best to avoid such speculation about Shariah, as there is hikmah to all aspects.

                  May Allah(swt) grant the sister you speak of ease after this hardship she has faced. Ameen!
                  “The real prisoner is someone whose heart is imprisoned from his Lord; the true captive is someone captured by his passions.” (Ibn Taymiyyah)
                  www.cage.ngo
                  www.hhugs.org.uk

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                  • #10
                    Re: marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!

                    Originally posted by Lone Wolf View Post
                    Firstly he is allowed to marry a second, third or fourth wife and he DOES NOT need to ask the first wife's permission.

                    Secondly it's his wife and he is allowed to beat her (according to many scholar's interpretation of Islam) and so he did nothing wrong there either!
                    So the beating can be for any reason? not that I agree with beating period, but sheesh, it's hardly like she did anything to deserve it.

                    I mean you hear all these scholars talking about how the beating can only be for "ill conduct" (ie naughty behaviour, deviancy) and then you have people reading the above story and saying the husband was well within his rights, who is right and who is wrong?
                    Freedom has a thousand charms to show,
                    That slaves, howe'er contented, never know.
                    -William Cowper

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!

                      What this man did was to shatter a family. Felt like his wife has gotten old and now its the time for some 'fresh meat'. Has he actually thought about his kids? He doesn't seem to have any conscience what so ever.
                      I am Bangladeshi and I recognize Palestine as the #194 country

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                      • #12
                        Re: marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!

                        I agree. BUT God does not say a man must marry more than once. He sure can have to if he is leading a happy and contented life with one wife. He has no cannotcannot

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!

                          In Islam, we are encoraged to marry instead of committing adultery or zina.

                          Since this case is about sexuality... by the figures of the ages... a 37 yr old woman by nature is more sexually active than a 28yr old. Hence maybe that's the reason why the husband likes the 2nd wife. I do not see it as a fault in the guy per se... he has the right ot satisfy his sexual needs, and if he can't get from his wife...? What is the man gonna do...? And dun you think it's cruel the wife doesn't help him to satisfy his needs that he has to resort to other means...? Well... at least he married the 2nd woman instead of committting adultery. Which is permissible in Islam. Do why condemn his act?

                          However, the issue here actually is not about marrying a 2nd wife, since that is already allowed in Islam. It is more the emotional part that the husband and 1st wife have displayed, wrongly.

                          It is understandable that the 1st wife is hurt. But think again how hurt the guy could be if his sexaul needs cannot be satisfied with his wife...? Of course, they could have discussed and talk about some solutions but hey not everyone is so quick with life problem solutions.

                          And I feel that man beating the 1st wife is definitely wrong but maybe he himeself dun know how handle marrying his 2nd marriage... hey it's not everyday he marries a 2nd wife so he is also going thru a adjusting period. He is probably ashamed that he has to marry a 2nd wife for sexaul reason and when brought out in open, he reacted with violence.

                          In life, it's not about pointing what people have done wrong but try to understand why they do certain things and try to help out and all live in harmony in the family.
                          Last edited by PiElle2; 27-09-07, 05:12 AM.
                          "There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." - Morpheus, The Matrix. :hidban:

                          "It would not be reasonable in me if I did not serve Him Who created me, and to Whom ye shall (all) be brought back." Surah 36:22. Ya Sin (Yusuf Ali Translation)

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                          • #14
                            Re: marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!

                            So what about sexually transmitted viruses and so forth?

                            I know theoretically these things don't exist in certain cultures or whatever, but in reality we know they do. Certainly we know that to be the case in most countries today.

                            So what happens if a couple is married and they are negative for HSV, HPV, etc., etc.

                            And then say the man chooses to marry another woman who is HPV positive, which is pretty common in the UK for example. (not to pick on the UK, but let's just say this couple lives there and the man finds a woman he likes who is HPV+)

                            If that happens, what can the first wife do? HPV can have serious consequences, so can she insist on protection to avoid exposure to HPV?

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                            • #15
                              Re: marrying another woman when he already had a wife and three kids living with him!

                              Originally posted by Mace View Post
                              So what about sexually transmitted viruses and so forth?

                              I know theoretically these things don't exist in certain cultures or whatever, but in reality we know they do. Certainly we know that to be the case in most countries today.

                              So what happens if a couple is married and they are negative for HSV, HPV, etc., etc.

                              And then say the man chooses to marry another woman who is HPV positive, which is pretty common in the UK for example. (not to pick on the UK, but let's just say this couple lives there and the man finds a woman he likes who is HPV+)

                              If that happens, what can the first wife do? HPV can have serious consequences, so can she insist on protection to avoid exposure to HPV?
                              It's a bit late for the concern now, innit. He has 2 wives now, officially so he is allowed to sleep with both.

                              Better this arrangement than the husband going to different prostitutes or having many girlfriends outside to satisfy his sexual needs. And dun tell me this ain't happening in today's society where sexuality advertisements make it look ok to go for it as long as the wifey doesn't know.
                              "There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." - Morpheus, The Matrix. :hidban:

                              "It would not be reasonable in me if I did not serve Him Who created me, and to Whom ye shall (all) be brought back." Surah 36:22. Ya Sin (Yusuf Ali Translation)

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