A question - marriage and disability

[Muslim.Boy]

Assalamu Alaikum

I'm new here as you probably figured out. I don't normally do the forum thing however I was very impressed with advice given in this particular section of the forum so I thought I'd join.

The question I wanted to ask was whether ne1 here is married someone who has a family member they have to care for long term. What I mean by family member is a father, mother, sister or brother. I just wanted to know there experiences.

WS

[neelu]

Re: A question - marriage and disability

I have a long term disability and to a significant extent my parents look after me, but I'm not married. What exactly do you want to know?

[Muslim.Boy]

Re: A question - marriage and disability

Well I have a brother you who is dependent on me and my parents to look after him. He is able to dress and groom himself however he is not able function in society and therefore relies on us to make his decisions. I have no other siblings. Im in getting to the end of my uni course and I am thinking about marriage. But I am not sure what to do. I cnt just go upto a sister and say would like to marry me and by the way my brother is part of the deal. So I wanted to know if ne1 was in my situtation or similar and how they handled it.

[ummbilal]

Re: A question - marriage and disability

i think when you approach a sister for marriage and she has agreed then you should say before the nikah that you will forever be looking after your brother, inshaallah i doubt any sister will have a problem its a means to more barakah and shows your piety brother inshaallah you will have jannah for your sabr.

[neelu]

Re: A question - marriage and disability

In that case I'd say just be honest about it. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't necessarily bring up the matter straight away with a sister (such as in the first meeting), as I feel the first meeting should be about whether you both get on together and the wider family context can be discussed later. On the other hand, I wouldn't delay mentioning your brother either and any sister you meet should be aware of his involvement in your life WELL BEFORE you set a wedding date and book the halls and caterers.

Put your trust in Allah (swt) and inshallah if you are God fearing and find a sister who is also God fearing, I think she wouldn't mind supporting you in this matter. Bear in mind this shouldn't be a one sided thing as you should also be willing to support her if one of her family members was in need of your help too. Don't be surprised or disheartened if you come across a lot of seemingly religious sisters who turn out to be selfish and accuse you of having "too much baggage"- I honestly think that will happen because there are many people like that out there but it shouldn't deter you. Inshallah there are also many sincere and good sisters as well, you'd just have to show patience and take your time to find someone suitable. Also try and think of ways to get around the mahram issue

[Muslim.Boy]

Re: A question - marriage and disability

May Allah reward you all for the advice.

[Saeed Al-Muslim]

Re: A question - marriage and disability

As Salaamu Alaikum,

Also try and think of ways to get around the mahram issue

Akhi Muslim.Boy, if your brother has no understanding of such issues as women etc. Then it is quite possible that the mahram issue will not be an issue at all. Although to be certain, please consult a scholar. Insha'Allah you can pose your question to; Islam-QA.

Ma'aSalaama

[Arifa]

Re: A question - marriage and disability

My mum looks after her mother-in-law (my gran). She's paralyzed down her left side, and is in bed all day. My gran didn't want to stay in hospital so my mum accepted the job of looking after her. She has to change nappies, feed, clean etc all while my gran can't even move. It's tiring for her but hse knows she'll get reward for it.

[Bint Yusuf]

Re: A question - marriage and disability

:wswrwb:

I have a long term disabled sister. Alhamdulilah better than she was 4years ago. Experiences with her, hmmm. She can make her own decisions, alhamdulilah her mind is fine she more clver than me mashAllah. Just her mobility is quite bad and relies on us A LOT! Espeialy as she ha sno confidence at all but is starting to get better!:up:

Anyways akhi, I am kinda in your position too. Speak to your family about it and your disabled brother if he understands and tell them about your desires to marry and how you will still be around and make arrangements to help with shopping, taking your brother out places and other fmaily stuff. It's going to be hard, I haven't really thought about it as I guess am gonna leave marriage later because I have to help out with my disbaled sis.

Unlike you I have 2 other siblings, but they are kinda lazy and rude to be honest. They can't be given responsiblities involved with my sister, so I dunno what Am gonna go when I get married. Mums single parent too. InshAllah Allah will help us with much du'a.

I suggest you speak to the sister and have a lot of integrity, don't beat around the bush at all! Where there's a will there's a way.

Anyone else got any advice? Would be useful to me too actually!:)

[neelu]

Re: A question - marriage and disability

I think those of you with disabled relatives shouldn't be afraid look into whether state support is available such as a carer who could assist the relative at home or financial assistance because if you spend several hours each day/week caring for a family member, you're less likely to have free time to pursue work or studies or have a social life and all of those things are important. Depending on the type and extent of the disability, it would be worth looking into whether facilities are available for the person to live independently. For example, there is a woman I've seen on TV who is a single mother raising a young son and she was born without arms but she is still able to work, raise her child and live in a place of her own although she does have a support worker to assist her for some things as well but it must make a huge difference for her as a grown woman to have independence and for family members as well because she is not dependant on them.

[Eemaan]

Re: A question - marriage and disability

i think when you approach a sister for marriage and she has agreed then you should say before the nikah that you will forever be looking after your brother, inshaallah i doubt any sister will have a problem its a means to more barakah and shows your piety brother inshaallah you will have jannah for your sabr.

I have to agree with this.

Many sisters accept that when they get married that they may have to live with their in laws as their parents require support emotional, financial or physical.

It the same thing here...really dont let it deter you in look for marraige because your bro is a part of the deal. Your brother somes first and frankly i dont thinks shes worth persuing it if she turns you down

[1 LOVE 1 DEEN]

Re: A question - marriage and disability

Salam brother.

Hamdulillah you have love for your brother and are willing to look after him may Allah reward you inshallah.

I think you have to prepare yourself before you start looking for a suitable partner. Everyones experiences are different and only Allah knows what is destined for you.

Make sincere dua that Allah helps you find a perfect spouse and when you start talking with someone, do so as you usually would, ask whatever you need etc but when you feel that the girl could be right for you just explain your situation to her.

Say that you like her, wish to marry her but that you have a brother you need to look after and how she feels about this. Give her time to think about it, you may find people are too embaressed to say no straight away so give it time and dont get too emotionally attached until you know for sure she is ok with it cos she may wait until another opportunity to say no, so it doesnt look as if its due to your brother.

So as soon as you think shes the one, tell her, then be careful incase she rejects you later on just be on your guard.

Unfortunately not everyone has a heart and mind and thinks like you or some of the other people who post on here. But you can be sure that the girl who does accept you will be a real gem and hamdulillah you will have something beautiful with her.

You've heard it before but you just have to be patient, nothing can change your destiny and when she comes into your life it will happen so quick that you wont know how you managed to live without her.

Hope this helps, may Allah make your path easy and bless you with a lovely spouse inshallah.

[sunrise]

Re: A question - marriage and disability

here is a thread on this

if i remmeber correctly it was by ebony but just to make sure il do a search inshallah:up: