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  • Wedding blues and cold feet

    Part 1




    To marry or not to marry, that is the question that challenges the young optimists who are engaged for marriage. Panicking at the last minute is not uncommon, but acting on impulse as to whether to marry or not has untold consequences.
    More and more, young people and their parents are realizing that navigating the process of getting married is not only a rough terrain, but quite often an uncharted territory. As more and more young people are inclining toward leading a life of piety and righteousness, they are also seriously exploring marriage during their university and college years.

    In this article, we will tackle two different scenarios that are entirely fictional. After reading them, you might say to yourself, "I know exactly who he's talking about!" Or, sadly, you might say to yourself, "I never imagined that anyone else had ever experienced what I did with my engagement!" Or, ideally speaking, you might say, "Thank Allah I do not know anyone who experienced those sorts of challenges!" Whichever response suits you the most, the reality is that engagements these days are just not what they used to be.

    We will explore the challenges young people face as they attempt to marry. Also we will explore what recourse is available to them if they should encounter either one of the two scenarios or a different set of challenges quite unique to their families.


    Scenario 1

    Maria read the e-mail out loud to herself. She had been engaged the night before and her engagement was not even announced publicly yet, but Khidr — her classmate from university — was e-mailing her to inquire about her whereabouts and whether she was married yet. Maria and Khidr had grown very fond of one another during the four years at university. As much as Maria would have wanted Khidr to ask her to marry him, he had not mustered up the courage to do so.

    Upon graduation, each had gone their separate ways. Khidr now had an established career and felt ready for marriage. Not having had any contact with Maria, he had no prior knowledge of her engagement. On the other hand, Maria had waited for Khidr quietly, but finally gave in to pressure from her parents and, after meeting with several prospects, felt she had found her other half.

    With Khidr returning into her life, she found herself questioning whether her fiancé was in fact the person with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life. After much thought and prayer, she persisted with the engagement and wrote back a short e-mail to Khidr in a very matter-of-fact tone and declined his proposal.


    The Debrief

    The challenge that Maria faced is not that uncommon to other young men and women. Sometimes a young man gives an explicit signal of interest for marriage by approaching either the young woman or her mahram (close male relative) or wali (guardian).

    There is little or no confusion in that approach, but it is very much preferred that the man ask the woman for the contact information of her mahram or wali and then propose to him, not directly to her.

    However, a young man might be interested in a young woman, by virtue of either being physically attracted to her or being attracted to her character and conduct. Unclear in his own mind as to what he wants, he unwittingly finds himself smiling at the young woman when they meet during on-campus gatherings, or he finds himself doing his best to appear in her line of sight.

    On the other hand, she might or might not have interest in him and does not know what to make of these vague signals. In the event that she is also physically attracted to him or attracted to him because of his conduct and character, she might, as Maria did, anticipate an expression of interest in marriage to her.

    In any case, the challenge becomes that if neither the young man nor the young woman expresses interest explicitly, there is a very difficult waiting period, especially for the young woman who receives other proposals for marriage.

    Khidr had not acted upon his interests in Maria while in university and did not know she was engaged. Had he known she was engaged, he would have been obligated to follow theProphetic hadiththat stipulates that a suitor may not propose to a woman who is already engaged.

    Rather than sharing all of the details about her current engagement, Maria chose instead to respond by declining the proposal. Regrettably, not everyone exercises such discretion and some young people become overwhelmed with the attention being showered on them.

    Because of a series of missteps in communication, what could have been a fairly smooth and uneventful marriage process spins out of control into chaos and turmoil. Shaytan takes delight in casting doubt and anxiety into the hearts of the believers by making them question whether they are making the right decision about marriage.


    Regret and Remorse!

    Shaytan is an expert at sowing seeds of regret and remorse about what could, would, and should have been. The fainthearted often succumb to Shaytan's whispers and end up reviving feelings of "love" and "affection" for college sweethearts at the risk of losing everything they have worked on with their current marriage prospect.

    While no one is insisting that anyone should simply settle for a spouse, the lesson from this scenario is that young people should proceed with caution and be aware of the options available to them. In this case, Maria could have become completely overwhelmed and brought everything to a standstill.

    If she chose to give consideration to Khidr's proposal, the rightful course of action would have been to dissolve her current engagement, because it would have been unfair to the first suitor to be put on hold indefinitely.

    As the scenario indicates, Maria exercised her discretion and instead of allowing herself to be overcome with emotion about her past feelings for Khidr, she stood firm and persisted with her engagement.

    In the second part of this article, we will address a different scenario reflecting another wedding blue.
    Oh Allah,
    Make me want that which is beneficial for me...
    And make beneficial for me that which I want.

  • #2
    Re: Wedding blues and cold feet

    jazakallah Al Qadr for this:up:
    Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvM7L5Wm7q0

    ‎"If she's not on the deen, she's not fit to be your queen. If he hasn't got imaan, he's not fit to be your man."



    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Wedding blues and cold feet

      eagerly anticipates part 2..
      “Take Aqeedah from the Salaf, learn Adab from the Tableeghi Jamaat, and brotherhood from the Ikhwaan"

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Wedding blues and cold feet

        JazakAllah for posting, Al Q :)

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Wedding blues and cold feet

          where is part TWO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! :1popcorn:


          *trying to wait patiently.......*
          Screaming, But Will Never Be Heard

          Comment


          • #6
            Wedding blues and cold feet

            Originally posted by Ibn Khattab View Post
            jazakallah Al Qadr for this:up:
            Afwan.
            Originally posted by One_Ummah View Post
            eagerly anticipates part 2..
            InshaAllaah soon.
            Originally posted by urban_rose View Post
            JazakAllah for posting, Al Q :)
            :D
            Originally posted by GuCcI View Post
            where is part TWO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! :1popcorn:


            *trying to wait patiently.......*
            Try harder :p kiddin

            Part two soon InshaAllaah :hidban:
            Oh Allah,
            Make me want that which is beneficial for me...
            And make beneficial for me that which I want.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Wedding blues and cold feet

              As much as Maria would have wanted Khidr to ask her to marry him, he had not mustered up the courage to do so.

              :scratch: why didnt maria just get her walli to ask khidr, would have saved a lot of hassle.


              :jkk:
              "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

              The Prophet :saw: said:

              "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

              muslim

              Narrated 'Abdullah:

              The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


              "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

              By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

              [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Wedding blues and cold feet

                Wow that was an interesting read MashaAllah...enjoyed every bit of it!

                :jkk: sis
                :love: “A calamity that makes you turn to Allah, is better than a blessing which makes you forget the remembrance of Allah” :love:

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Wedding blues and cold feet

                  Most cold feet is due to the ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH factor when the realisation of MARRIAGE kicks in :1popcorn:
                  You are not aware of the consequences that would result (if you were granted what you desire) because what you seek might be to your detriment. (O soul) be conscious that your Master is more aware about your well-being than you are.

                  ~Ibn Al-Jawzee

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Wedding blues and cold feet

                    Part 2

                    Should I Call the Wedding Off?




                    To marry or not to marry, that is the question that challenges the young couples during their process to fulfill their marriage life.
                    In the first part of this article, we tackled a likely scenario about Maria and how she exercised her discretion and didn't get affected by her past feelings for Khidr, and how she stood firm and persevered her engagement.

                    In this part, we tackle a different scenario and see how Amadou overcomes his wedding blues.


                    Scenario 2


                    Amadou sits quietly in his bedroom. The wedding is exactly two months, two weeks, and two days away and he is too anxious and worried. He repeats again and again to himself, "Aisatou is by far the most perfect match for me, and her family and mine seem so much at peace with one another."

                    The arrangements for the wedding have been made and Amadou has received word that family members are traveling from near and far to attend the wedding festivities.

                    Amadou is overcome with fear and goes to speak to his mother. At the end of the brief conversation, his mother is shocked. She must now convey the news to Amadou's father and to everyone else that the wedding is off.

                    In the final analysis, Amadou realizes he has been excited about the prospect of marrying at a young age, but that he has not thought through the part about living on his own, about providing for his wife, and about being a husband and, in sha' Allah, a father.

                    No one is to know except his parents, but Amadou has called the wedding off because his fears got the best of him. He essentially came to the conclusion that he is not ready for marriage because the burden of responsibility is too much for him to bear.


                    The Debrief

                    The painful reality set in for Amadou that he was not ready to get married. Not every one experiences such a realization, and — for some — it is often too late.

                    Marrying at an early age is encouraged in Islam, but the burden of proving that one is mature, responsible, and in sha' Allah conscientious falls upon the young person and his or her family members.

                    Prophet Muhammad ( :saw: ) said, "O young people, whoever among you is able to marry, should marry, because it helps lower the gaze and guard modesty, and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes sexual power" (Al-Bukhari).

                    Following the Prophetic hadith, Amadou did everything from a very early age to protect himself and his chastity. He aspired to marry at the first opportunity to do so. Aisatou was also a righteous, young woman. She found in Amadou a young man who was mature and who connected well with her and her family. From the moment he expressed interest in marrying Aisatou, he gained full support from his family and friends.

                    However, what Aisatou or anyone else didn't know was that Amadou had been struggling with low self-esteem and very little self-confidence. He could literally talk himself into a frenzy of emotions, taking a simple and direct matter and confusing himself and everyone else about what was best for him.

                    He had survived high school and now, while in college, he found himself overwhelmed with a sense of inadequacy. He now doubted whether he could bear the responsibilities that would accompany marriage, of being young, married, and in school.

                    Everyone loved Amadou but never perceived the depth and breadth of his inner struggles. The options he had before him were to proceed with, delay, or call off the marriage.

                    Regrettably, many young people do not have the maturity, sense of self-awareness, and support to allow them to express their doubts and therefore acquiesce and proceed with the marriage.

                    This approach is unjust not only to the young person but also to the future spouse, since these problems have never been dealt with and they are almost certain to reappear some time in the future. Delaying the marriage is an option, but the unanswered question is always, "when will I know I am ready to marry?" And unless there is a viable plan of action to identify and address these problems, delaying the marriage is most certainly problematic, because every one concerned becomes frustrated with the uncertainty about when, and even whether, the marriage will actually occur.

                    Ultimately the most painful option, especially after announcements of the engagement are made public and preparations for the wedding ceremony are underway, is calling off the engagement altogether.

                    As the scenario indicates, Amadou followed his fears and turned to his mother to express his profound regret at wanting to call off the engagement, knowing that he is unable to face Aisatou and her family and even his own family members.

                    In the third and last part of this article, we will put together the guidelines we should stick to in order to avoid having wedding blues or fall into the trap of Shaytan.


                    ^^THERES ANOTHER PART :hidban:
                    Oh Allah,
                    Make me want that which is beneficial for me...
                    And make beneficial for me that which I want.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Wedding blues and cold feet

                      :jkk: loved both parts, wants third part asap!
                      What we fail to recogonize in others, is what we will never see and understand in ourselves..Keep it real.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Wedding blues and cold feet

                        wow dat is gud advice
                        wen is prt 3 on d way
                        im very imaptient... tryin hrd but still....
                        cn u hurry up
                        i cnt wait for d nxt bit so i cn give an freind sum advice
                        jazakallah
                        :up:
                        ************* ZEENZ *************
                        :up: @) Allah answers prayers in three ways:
                        He says yes and gives you what you want,
                        he says no and gives u sumfin beta,

                        He says wait and gives u the best in his own time :D

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Wedding blues and cold feet

                          wheres part three???? :D
                          [B][COLOR=#339900][/COLOR][/B]

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                          • #14
                            Re: Wedding blues and cold feet

                            Jizakillah sister. :D

                            I'm waiting for part 3........

                            Oops too late. :zzz: :zzz: :zzz:















                            Okay I'm awake. :p

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Wedding blues and cold feet

                              Bump. We await part 3.
                              How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck couldn't chuck wood? :banbear:

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