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  • Help! Confusion Regarding Marriage....?

    Assalamualaikum Everyone !!!!

    I am writing this here because i am want some genuine answers and help regarding my problem!!!

    Around 3 months ago my childhood teacher asked my mom for my hand in marriage to her son.. When my mom told me I agreed as My teacher was one of the best people i have ever met so I figure that his son would also have the same qualities as her . A month after I said yes i was finally able to meet him when i went to visit their house. I thought i would be atleast able to have a conversation with him to figure out our similarity and difference and his goals ( I find this to be very important) However instead he said that he has to go somewhere and left... The same thing happened or he is SLEEPING when i went to visit their house other times as well.

    Then ( after around a month later) when my mom complained about this his mom told me that he dosent speak To people and dosent like sound and told me he like people who are quiet and dosent like it when people talk too much.... I am quite by nature but i like to talk a lot when i feel comfortable around someone so i didnt like it but i kept quite since i didnt think it was a big deal at that time. I told my mom that i would like to talk to him so his mom gave my number to him.

    Then all he would talk was about exercising and dieting and keeps sending pic of his diet..? When ever i would try to talk about works or other hobbies and other important matters he would just bring up his diet and exercising so i guess asked if he had a life plan and i shared my life plan... The he told me that mainting a healthy body is his life plan ????


    Aund 2 to 3 days later his mom told My mom that he was severely bullied at school and doesn't have any friends he doesn't go to a job. HIm not having not a job or friends was not a big deal to me but then his mom told me that he want to become a doctor!!!!

    Currently he is in his late 20s and doing foundation studies to something that is not related to medince. Ever since i found out that he wants to become a doctor i have really started to dislike this and have had a negative feeling towards this. I dont think he can become a doctor because of his age and other this ( please enlighten me if i am wrong about the age part.) I want someone who is smart and goal oriented.

    I am currently doing istikhara and praying to guide me.


    I know he is not a bad person, He is a Good person but i dont think he is the one for me. I talk to my mom about the thing I dislike such as him staying home without doing anything and sleeping all day... When my mom talked to his mom about this matter and i am no as serious as them his mom started to cry and said that he is looking for a job but he is uncomfortable and he is shy. I can change him . He and his family likes me a lot.... But i dont belive i can it is up to the person to change or not.

    I am my parents only daughter i dont have much friend and my dont have much relationship with my other relatives i am a quite person by nature or i perfer someone who is same as me or more sociable than me..


    I really dont like this and i dont want to continue this.

    Please give my some advice...

  • #2
    What is WRONG with these women. These dumb things still happening in this century.

    It's NOT your job to change him. Shocking stuff, you sure that lady is a teacher. NO woman can fix a man like that, especially one that sleeps all the time.

    Say no and move on, it's easy. Tell your mum NO and keep looking for a spouse.

    ​​​​​​If she is crying about her son she needs to fix this and support him, don't for all that emotional guilt trip. You can only pray for the man.

    If you still go ahead, that's your fault mate and this is straight forward easy no. Don't waste your stress for nothing.

    Hope that was helpful
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

    Comment


    • #3
      "I really dont like this and i dont want to continue this.


      Please give my some advice..."

      Erm what advice? You don't need any advice.
      You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

      You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

      Comment


      • #4
        Older generation parents believe marriage is a cure for their problematic kids (mental ill, addicts, criminals etc) and think it will change them into a better person but it never worked and it can turn the woman’s life into hell.

        That “teacher” is one of them so DON’T fall for it. You did the right thing and you actually saved him because he is clearly not ready.

        Originally posted by Hawwwwa View Post
        und 2 to 3 days later his mom told My mom that he was severely bullied at school and doesn't have any friends he doesn't go to a job.



        I can change him .
        No you can’t. Notice how they didn’t tell you about his problem until your mum asked her why he was acting like this after you told her so you don’t trust anyone if they’re hiding it. He could have undiagnosed mental problems OR it could be an excuse to cover why he’s lazy.

        Please advise her to get the son help first before she lure other poor single girls and ruin their lives. She is enabling this behavior which caused him to be like this.
        Last edited by DesertWarrior; 1 week ago.

        Comment


        • #5
          If the man doesn't have a job then do not marry him. It is simple as that.

          Comment


          • #6
            My first impression is that he might have autism, he sounds like he has difficulty communicating and when he does communicate he is only interested in his thoughts/ideas. Regardless, it doesn't sound like you are a good match and your teacher sounds as if she is deliberately not telling you everything about him. Just say no, you are under no obligation to marry anyone.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Hawwwwa View Post

              Please give my some advice...
              salam alaykum wa rahmat allah
              you havent mention anything regarding hes religion does he maintain all hes dailly fard prayers in the masjid ? does he pray at all ?
              you seem to be worried about less important thing than this same thing apply to him he dosent seem to be bothered at all if you pray or not
              first thing we look in our wife or husband is religion yet you do not give this any attention to the foundation of marriage
              the prophet peace be upon him said
              https://sunnah.com/mishkat:3090
              He reported God’s Messenger as saying, “When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption." Tirmidhi transmitted it.
              وَعَنْهُ قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «إِذَا خَطَبَ إِلَيْكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ دِينَهُ وَخُلُقَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ إِنْ لَا تَفْعَلُوهُ تَكُنْ فِتَنَةٌ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَفَسَادٌ عَرِيضٌ» . رَوَاهُ التِّرْمِذِيُّ
              why religion is so important because it sustain a high level of commitment from both parties to their duties while giving them rights in a just manner
              if someone dosent give god hes right of being worshiped a fortiori he wont be giving hes wife her rights nor he will be committed to the marriage contract
              this is apply to both of you
              this is the reason why there is so many failed marriages because people are too focused on materialistic things like job or looks and compeletley ignore the foundation wich is religion
              i dont think you two are ready for marriage .
              i advice you to focus on your religion maintain all your dailly prayers and when you are looking for a husband focus on religion more than looks or job or anything else
              if i was your familly member i wont let you marry this guy especially after he told you that hes life plan is`` mainting a healthy body`` that is going to rot after he die
              purpose of life is to wroship god maintaining a healthy body and a good diet are good but they come after worshiping god they are not a life plan nor are the purpose of life

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Hamza1416 View Post

                salam alaykum wa rahmat allah
                you havent mention anything regarding hes religion does he maintain all hes dailly fard prayers in the masjid ? does he pray at all ?
                you seem to be worried about less important thing than this same thing apply to him he dosent seem to be bothered at all if you pray or not
                first thing we look in our wife or husband is religion yet you do not give this any attention to the foundation of marriage
                the prophet peace be upon him said
                https://sunnah.com/mishkat:3090
                He reported God’s Messenger as saying, “When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption." Tirmidhi transmitted it.
                وَعَنْهُ قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «إِذَا خَطَبَ إِلَيْكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ دِينَهُ وَخُلُقَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ إِنْ لَا تَفْعَلُوهُ تَكُنْ فِتَنَةٌ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَفَسَادٌ عَرِيضٌ» . رَوَاهُ التِّرْمِذِيُّ
                why religion is so important because it sustain a high level of commitment from both parties to their duties while giving them rights in a just manner
                if someone dosent give god hes right of being worshiped a fortiori he wont be giving hes wife her rights nor he will be committed to the marriage contract
                this is apply to both of you
                this is the reason why there is so many failed marriages because people are too focused on materialistic things like job or looks and compeletley ignore the foundation wich is religion
                i dont think you two are ready for marriage .
                i advice you to focus on your religion maintain all your dailly prayers and when you are looking for a husband focus on religion more than looks or job or anything else
                if i was your familly member i wont let you marry this guy especially after he told you that hes life plan is`` mainting a healthy body`` that is going to rot after he die
                purpose of life is to wroship god maintaining a healthy body and a good diet are good but they come after worshiping god they are not a life plan nor are the purpose of life
                Brother, this isn't a race to the bottom. If a man prayed all of his daily prayers in the mosque but wasn't working and spent all of his free time sleeping then he is still not a good catch. Praying is the absolute bare minimum, it is fine to reject someone because they have undesirable/unhealthy habits, even if they appear to be religious.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Hamza1416 View Post

                  salam alaykum wa rahmat allah
                  you havent mention anything regarding hes religion does he maintain all hes dailly fard prayers in the masjid ? does he pray at all ?
                  you seem to be worried about less important thing than this same thing apply to him he dosent seem to be bothered at all if you pray or not
                  first thing we look in our wife or husband is religion yet you do not give this any attention to the foundation of marriage
                  the prophet peace be upon him said
                  https://sunnah.com/mishkat:3090
                  He reported God’s Messenger as saying, “When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption." Tirmidhi transmitted it.
                  وَعَنْهُ قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «إِذَا خَطَبَ إِلَيْكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ دِينَهُ وَخُلُقَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ إِنْ لَا تَفْعَلُوهُ تَكُنْ فِتَنَةٌ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَفَسَادٌ عَرِيضٌ» . رَوَاهُ التِّرْمِذِيُّ
                  why religion is so important because it sustain a high level of commitment from both parties to their duties while giving them rights in a just manner
                  if someone dosent give god hes right of being worshiped a fortiori he wont be giving hes wife her rights nor he will be committed to the marriage contract
                  this is apply to both of you
                  this is the reason why there is so many failed marriages because people are too focused on materialistic things like job or looks and compeletley ignore the foundation wich is religion
                  i dont think you two are ready for marriage .
                  i advice you to focus on your religion maintain all your dailly prayers and when you are looking for a husband focus on religion more than looks or job or anything else
                  if i was your familly member i wont let you marry this guy especially after he told you that hes life plan is`` mainting a healthy body`` that is going to rot after he die
                  purpose of life is to wroship god maintaining a healthy body and a good diet are good but they come after worshiping god they are not a life plan nor are the purpose of life
                  @Bolded if you mean you would encourage her not to marry her that's fine but no one apart from the wali can actually prevent a woman from marrying someone.

                  Praying salah in masjid is a highly rewarding optional act however it doesn't take precedence over fard which in this case is providing for the wife.
                  This brother does not even have a have a job and does not seem to be trying to get one either.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by hasan2013 View Post

                    @Bolded if you mean you would encourage her not to marry her that's fine but no one apart from the wali can actually prevent a woman from marrying someone.

                    Praying salah in masjid is a highly rewarding optional act however it doesn't take precedence over fard which in this case is providing for the wife.
                    This brother does not even have a have a job and does not seem to be trying to get one either.
                    *not to marry him

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      You say he does not have a goal or plan

                      Isnt the aim of becoming a doctor a goal/plan?

                      and i dont see how his age is a barrier to becoming a doctor

                      anyway, the most important thing is that he does not appear to be in a good position to marry and i think you already know this

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Follow your heart and gut. You remember the old cliché "First impressions". From someone who's been there, I'd say there are too many red flags. I mean serious red flags. How does he or at least his father want to get him married and if he can't hold a job.

                        But then again things can always turn for the better. Marriage is always a gamble. You will never find " The man or woman of your dreams". Initially it might seem like it,but it never is.

                        Thirdly, marriage laws usually favor women. I don't know where you're from but legally speaking, you usually have "nothing much to lose" as they say but the dude does.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          salaam,

                          Sister, go with your instinct. If you are not feeling comfortable or compatible with someone, then it is better to end it early (when their is minimal hurt and pain to both parties) then to commit and ruin both your lives. I have been in your place where ive had two engagements broken off due to differences in our life goals and temperaments. Now I’m set to marry in the third place and I couldn’t be more happy that the first two engagements were broken.

                          Just pray and leave the matter to Allah and he will provide for you both, what’s best.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Lonesome Dove View Post

                            Thirdly, marriage laws usually favor women. I don't know where you're from but legally speaking, you usually have "nothing much to lose" as they say but the dude does.
                            This has to be one of the worst things I have read in a while around here.
                            You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

                            You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Linkdeutscher View Post
                              This has to be one of the worst things I have read in a while around here.
                              I knew a was bit off with the wording. Typed it in haste. I'll probably edit that out. Please do the same

                              Comment

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