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Is marriage only for the rich?

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  • Is marriage only for the rich?

    Assalamo alaikum

    I've been thinking about this for a while, due to some family circumstances and also what I read here. A few women in my family have become the breadwinners, which places immense pressure on them and really affects their lifestyle choices (eg not being able to afford maternity leave, having no choice about going part time etc) and it made me give advice to my daughters about not marrying someone that would need to rely on your salary.

    The increasing cost of living in the West means that many brothers would not be able to afford to get married, which feels wrong. I'm not talking about luxuries here, but basic everyday living. Let's say a brother earned £18k (which is approx NMW full time). According to a source online the average UK couple spend £850 pcm on rent pre children. Obviously in bigger cities with Muslim concentrations this will be higher. By the time you pay bills, run one car, CT, heating etc there will be very little left, if any to live on.

    My children are not at the marriage stage yet but I have friends who are really struggling to find wives for their sons due to the financial barriers (and that is just mahr/wedding day) so I'm just wondering what your experience of this is, and what can be done?

  • #2

    In short, Yes. People who are not able to get married should educate further, learn skills, open businesses, work online, be a freelancer part time etc.

    Mahr and walima is nothing.
    You must be able to finance a lot, lot more after.
    There is nothing wrong for woman working, especially part time and from home.

    Firstly is to focus on schooling, degrees, education.
    Maybe every two years after college double the (high) salary.

    It is not wrong to halal plan marriage with familes-until you afford housing, get a business, degrees, salaries.

    Of course, do not neglect sunnah duas at every step, estegfar, sadaqah, shukrulillah, salawat ibrahimi, nawafil fasting for non maried especially etc.

    Do not neglect altruism, socialising, right friends and mentors and so on.
    Last edited by Murid; 08-12-21, 03:07 PM.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Murid View Post

      In short, Yes. People who are not able to get married should educate further, learn skills, open businesses, work online, be a freelancer part time etc.

      Mahr and walima is nothing.
      You must be able to finance a lot, lot more after.
      There is nothing wrong for woman working, especially part time and from home.

      Firstly is to focus on schooling, degrees, education.
      Maybe every two years after college double the (high) salary.

      It is not wrong to halal plan marriage with familes-until you afford housing, get a business, degrees, salaries.

      Of course, do not neglect sunnah duas at every step, estegfar, sadaqah, shukrulillah, salawat ibrahimi, nawafil fasting for non maried especially etc.

      Do not neglect altruism, socialising, right friends and mentors and so on.
      Where in the world are you? I've never heard of anyone doubling their salary every two years... We'd all be millionaires at 40 in that case.

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      • #4

        Excuse me, of further education, like BSc, MA, PHD, another degee etc.

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        • #5
          Reserved.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Murid View Post

            Excuse me, of further education, like BSc, MA, PHD, another degee etc.
            OK this leads me to believe that you are not in the UK. Getting a further qualification such as MSc is not going to double your undergrad salary (and neither will PhD). It most likely takes 10 years post graduation to double your salary post graduation, it isn't likely for it to double again. There will be exceptions, but it is certainly not the norm. I do wholeheartedly agree that Muslims should grab every opportunity to further their qualifications.

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            • #7

              It depends on your perspective snd experience.
              Persons with MA and especially PHD get "multiple" jobs from multiple companies and universities fast. Multiple income streams open up fast.

              It is important to have business, social and soft skills and to be lawful, good, altruistic, practicing a lot of nawafil like above.

              Do not think that money is your objective. Serve humanity. Bring quality. Be altruist. Money comes along inshaAllah.
              Last edited by Murid; 08-12-21, 03:39 PM.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Murid View Post

                It depends on your perspective snd experience.
                Persons with MA and especially PHD get "multiple" jobs from multiple companies and universities fast. Multiple income streams open up fast.

                It is important to have business, social and soft skills and to be lawful, good, altruistic, practicing a lot of nawafil like above.

                Do not think that money is your objective. Serve humanity. Bring quality. Be altruist. Money comes along inshaAllah.
                I have MSc and my husband has a PhD. Jobs are there, but salaries are capped and in the UK there certainly isn't the ability to get "multiple" jobs within a company - they want your blood for one job! There is so much competition now too, especially in academia. University lecturers used to be wealthy, that is rarely the case now.

                ETA: money is certainly not the main objective, but it seems nowadays to get married you need a lot of it.

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                • #9
                  Not at all. If one is willing to compromise and live with ones in laws in harmony then paupers can enjoy a married life relatively free of money worries. If one is not inclined to such an arrangement then one has the option to sit on the shelf gathering dust ad infinitum.

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                  • #10

                    Of course there is supply and demand.

                    I think we should strive in a broad and deep way to improve and results will come inshaAllah.

                    I repeat, we should not neglect ibadah.

                    I know from my experience and examples (and studies) and will say that internationally, in averege a MA brings you 2x and PHD at least 4x.
                    Educating even further, having a social circle of good mentors, getting courses, diplomas, skills, almost does the same for the years spent.
                    There is expertise and invited lectures. There are projects in other countries. You must start the academia career to notice the shift. There are also private schools and universities etc. You must strive for excellence, not the formal diplomas only.
                    It is the best investment.

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                    • #11
                      Do not rely on one job only. People with MA and PHD work up to four jobs in average. Not full time of course. Maybe you do not know how.
                      Know the laws and search for opportunities.
                      Open new ones also.

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                      • #12
                        I notice that people who rely on education and not seeking Alalh's assistance through Aaamaal and dua etc generally fall short.

                        No - marriage bring about richness not the other way around.

                        Also women must realize to be inside a marriage in greatly reward and to tone down for this reward for this short life will definitely be worth it in aakhirah so make it easy on men to marry you.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Eijaz Koor View Post
                          I notice that people who rely on education and not seeking Alalh's assistance through Aaamaal and dua etc generally fall short.

                          No - marriage bring about richness not the other way around.

                          Also women must realize to be inside a marriage in greatly reward and to tone down for this reward for this short life will definitely be worth it in aakhirah so make it easy on men to marry you.


                          I was brought up with this line of thinking, but I now have reservations about teaching my own daughters this. Marriage is (or can be) a huge sacrifice for women - more so than for men - so the idea that they 'have to tone it down' in terms of what they want conflicts me. It's as if they just have to be so grateful that someone actually proposed to them that they should accept anything. I never hear of any scholar or speaker telling the men to sacrifice and make things easier for his wife. "Making things easy" always seems to be the woman's role. You never hear anyone say "you are getting a fantastic woman, this will be totally worth it!".
                          Many times I hear people quoting "mahr Fatima" (in how it was so simple) (RAA) but they don't realize that that was a very significant amount of monetary worth, and it was all sayyidunna Ali (RAA) had. I really don't like the idea of asking for large amounts of mahr, as to me it is a symbolic gift, not compensation for bondage. OTOH, I see women who have used their mahr for good purposes and it was a form of insurance for them if things didn't work out.

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                          • #14

                            We should think about with context, in deeper and broader sense, not to make bias.

                            There is mahr, but there are Ali and Fatima too.

                            A man with good religion and manners will not seek the opposite or wont be unachieving.
                            Similary the woman.

                            Mahr is not that important if you got right kind of a man. You wont give your precious daughter in whom you invested 25 years without good checks. It should be for lifetime.

                            We must invest in ourselfs a lot more in every field, including a lot more dua, estegfar, shukrulillah, salawat ibrahimi, nawafil, sadaqa... and good marriage will come inshaAllah.

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                            • #15
                              Sometimes a good woman can improve a man a lot and the opposite, but there are common senses.
                              There are social circles and extreme settings, but, for a good muslim with good manners it is normal to strive to be well educated and achieving.

                              Also, the women need to continue to invest in every aspect of themself and interactions after marriage.

                              There is maybe neglected health, reading, furniture, nutrition, fitness, socialising, volounteering, cosmethics, clothing, spas and so on. Of course in halal and proper settings and without misuse/further haram.
                              Increased nawafil ibadah improves also looks a lot mashaAllah. You become like a real noori princess inshaAllah.

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