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Help with my drug addict husband

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  • Help with my drug addict husband

    salam

    I need help. I have been married 1 yr to my husband who seemed very good at the start..... he is a revert for over ten years...... but lied a lot about the life he lives.....we did checks on him but with hidden sins you can't find out everything...... anyway I found out after marriage he does a lot of drugs like cocaine and drinks a lot.....I am a practising muslimah he admitted to me that he only married me for 'looks' he was a completely different man before marriage obviously to marry me, he even admit after marriage he cannot wait to show me off to his friends/family and they will be impressed with how well he done, how disgusting,,,.... he doesn't like me posting anything about him online even anon he checks all my history so I have posted this whilst with a friend who recommend this site... he refuses to allow me to talk to anyone saying I am exposing him.... when he doesn't have drugs he gets angry and takes it out on me... his parents are not muslim but even they are fed up of him..... he does pray. he has resorted to blaming me for his drug use saying he is married to me but feels lonely because I have other hobbies! all he wants to do is watch movies. he's not all bad.... he cleans, cooks, when he works he gives me almost 80% of his wage (but then other times he will blow most on drugs). he isn't the type that sits on his phone all day he gives me time but his drug and alcohol abuse is not good and I don't knw what to do, yesterday,.... we had a big fight because he couldn't get drugs then he was being angry and said something....it turned very aggressive, he didn't hit me but was shouting swearing and me too, as I am fed up of him....... then all night he was angry and today he wake up and being all sweet and nice is this like a split personality,, I even said why you being nice look at the way you were yesterday then he said I've forgotten that why cant you. he is paranoid he won't let me speak to anyone at all, he makes me makes oaths that I don't speak about him, even my phone he has a way to check everything,,,, if I am siting on my phone he comes straight away to see what I'm doing if I close it he gets paranoid...... I need help.... he has a serious problem I haven't written to much in case he ever sees this (Im at friends house so hoping he won't) but otherwise id write full story and you will all be shocked, so what shall I do, he isn't all bad.... he has very good points like I mention but he lied to me about his life he's on drugs... alcohol.... he doesn't use cocaine always but everyday he does need weed,,,, he even says so what weed is not bad and tries to justify ... he even drinks beer In the morning then says oh its low percent alcohol it doesn't get me drunk.... he doesn't want to change

  • #2
    Wa alaikum as Salam sister

    Addiction is a very serious issue and will require a lot of work from him, but only if he wants to change. From what you have said there is no indication of this. There is NOTHING you can do to change his situation. As hard as it may be divorce might be the best option here. He lied before the marriage and things have gone from bad to worse.
    Try and find an imam who has knowledge of addictions to seek advice from.

    May Allah swt make it easy for you.

    Comment


    • #3
      What a sad situation. I don't know how you managed to put up with this for a whole year. Do you not have family you can go to? I advise you to leave and warn as many other women as possible of this guys deceiving ways.

      These days some women ask for khula if their MILs cat looks at them sideways so what is keeping you from getting away from this mess? I suggest pack your bags and go..preferably knee capping him on the way out.

      Comment


      • #4
        thank you for your kind responses.....its not so easy to leave him... he is obsessed with me...previously I have tried leaving the marriage and he acts like a crazy person....he also says he will never divorce me and if I ask for the khula he will lie and say he doesn't do drugs an alcohol and I don't have proof of this becz everything on my fne, txts, etc he makes me delete........ also,. when he is good he is very good, I cannot lie..... even when tired from work he cooks...cleans....give me money..... and I fear if I leave the marriage he will be out of control.... but this isn't what I signed up for....I wanted god fearing man and I have him who does drugs an alcohol.... I do not have family I can go to... his heart is good but he has bad habits...,but doesn't change them....

        Comment


        • #5
          Try talking to him. Tell him about your concerns about his drug addiction. Tell him you want him to change, you want to stay with him but he's got to get help for his drug misuse. If he doesn't change or doesn't want to change he will give you no option but to leave him. Be absoloutely clear to him.
          'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]'

          Surah Ibrahim (14:7)

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Sara91 View Post
            thank you for your kind responses.....its not so easy to leave him... he is obsessed with me...previously I have tried leaving the marriage and he acts like a crazy person....he also says he will never divorce me and if I ask for the khula he will lie and say he doesn't do drugs an alcohol and I don't have proof of this becz everything on my fne, txts, etc he makes me delete........ also,. when he is good he is very good, I cannot lie..... even when tired from work he cooks...cleans....give me money..... and I fear if I leave the marriage he will be out of control.... but this isn't what I signed up for....I wanted god fearing man and I have him who does drugs an alcohol.... I do not have family I can go to... his heart is good but he has bad habits...,but doesn't change them....
            Try to create and environment of deen in the home even if he doesn't partake Insha=Allah the effect will son rub off.

            Like: Read Quraan and also translation in the home. Read stories of Sahaba and do thikr etc.

            Do not scream but do so in a manner that he can hear you and make lots of dua.


            Comment


            • #7
              walaykum salam,

              Look into womens refuges in your area. If he checks your phone then ask your friend to look into them and find out if they have a place available. If you can contact a refuge directly, ask their advice as they'd be experienced in these matters and might know of ways to help you escape.

              There is no hope in this marriage. PLEASE use contraception- you do not want to bring a child into this mess. He is not willing to change, he thinks his drugs help him feel better and more in control but it will only get worse and make his behaviour towards you worse. His nice actions are just his way of trying to push you into forgiving him and staying but he has no intention of changing. If he had intention to change, admitted he has a problem, understands he is doing haram and made an effort, then I'd tell you there is hope for your marriage, but he wants to completely immerse his life in this addiction and drag you down with him by forcing you to stay and controlling your every move. You are not his wife, you are his hostage. If it weren't for the fact that he prays, I would have suspected that maybe he's not Muslim and fooled you into marrying him because everything else you describe about his behaviour is the behaviour of non Muslims.

              All his actions are with the purpose of manipulating you into staying with him. His 'nice' actions are manipulation to make you forgive him and think he has nice traits so you should accept his evil and sinful way of life, his harshness is a way of intimidating you into being too scared to leave, so you spend your time walking on eggshells, trying to please him all the time and not allowing you to live in peace. No amount of cooking, cleaning and handing you money can make up for how he behaves and how he treats you.

              Find a way out. Take a look at your own life skills and experience with the aim of finding a job that can at least help you financially support yourself when you leave. If you have any good family members, try to connect with them. If you have friends in the neighbourhood, try to stay in touch with them behind his back. If you do leave, he will find ways of trying to track you down through your friends and relatives and checking your phone etc. I think you should seek advice as to how you can go about getting him arrested for his cocaine use (I don't know what sentence he'd get for that). At least if he's in jail, then he'd have time away from you. I'm not surprised his family are fed up with him- he sounds like an evil person and the sooner you find a way out of there the better. In fact if possible, I think you should move to another town where he can't find you. Don't leave any trace on your social media. ?You might need to change phones. Your life is like that film Sleeping with the enemy.
              The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by neelu View Post
                walaykum salam,

                Look into womens refuges in your area. If he checks your phone then ask your friend to look into them and find out if they have a place available. If you can contact a refuge directly, ask their advice as they'd be experienced in these matters and might know of ways to help you escape.

                There is no hope in this marriage. PLEASE use contraception- you do not want to bring a child into this mess. He is not willing to change, he thinks his drugs help him feel better and more in control but it will only get worse and make his behaviour towards you worse. His nice actions are just his way of trying to push you into forgiving him and staying but he has no intention of changing. If he had intention to change, admitted he has a problem, understands he is doing haram and made an effort, then I'd tell you there is hope for your marriage, but he wants to completely immerse his life in this addiction and drag you down with him by forcing you to stay and controlling your every move. You are not his wife, you are his hostage. If it weren't for the fact that he prays, I would have suspected that maybe he's not Muslim and fooled you into marrying him because everything else you describe about his behaviour is the behaviour of non Muslims.

                All his actions are with the purpose of manipulating you into staying with him. His 'nice' actions are manipulation to make you forgive him and think he has nice traits so you should accept his evil and sinful way of life, his harshness is a way of intimidating you into being too scared to leave, so you spend your time walking on eggshells, trying to please him all the time and not allowing you to live in peace. No amount of cooking, cleaning and handing you money can make up for how he behaves and how he treats you.

                Find a way out. Take a look at your own life skills and experience with the aim of finding a job that can at least help you financially support yourself when you leave. If you have any good family members, try to connect with them. If you have friends in the neighbourhood, try to stay in touch with them behind his back. If you do leave, he will find ways of trying to track you down through your friends and relatives and checking your phone etc. I think you should seek advice as to how you can go about getting him arrested for his cocaine use (I don't know what sentence he'd get for that). At least if he's in jail, then he'd have time away from you. I'm not surprised his family are fed up with him- he sounds like an evil person and the sooner you find a way out of there the better. In fact if possible, I think you should move to another town where he can't find you. Don't leave any trace on your social media. ?You might need to change phones. Your life is like that film Sleeping with the enemy.
                thank you very much for your reply....he is saying he is trying to quit drugs and is minmising how much he has.....he is saying he knows its a sin and hates himself after.....at the moment when he gets paid he is giving me majority of wages so I know he's not having a lot of drugs because he has no money but he is still having some for sure.....let me tell you all what he did one day when I tried to leave him,,,he was In a different city and drove to me drunk driving!!!! then I had to give him his stuff and he was making big scene outside saying he doesn't want to see me its making hard for him and was driving like mad person....I thought he was going to kill or injure himself. after this incident yes I did go back because I felt sorry for him

                he says things to me like 'at least I don't commit zina with women, I would never touch woman outside of marriage me and my drugs is private between me and Allah.' this is what he says. he says he is from atheist background an whole life he had drugs, women, etc so he is saying he is doing good compared to what he could be doing!!!1 if you see his Facebook is full of muslim women trying to message him cos he is white revert but he says things like at least I don't message back, I don't even look at their message etc....

                I don't think he is a evil person I just think he has bad habits... he married me for lust it looks like and not to want to change.... even now he is probably getting bored so that's why he is turning to drugs again....he makes it hard cos if I forget about the drugs he can be the man a lot of women want......cooks for me, cleans for me, gives me a lot of money, makes me breakfast everyday, works 7 days a week to provide for us in a exhausting job....compliments me always...doesnt go out to see friends...spends all his time with me... but his drug abuse is ruining it....

                I have friends an their husbands don't spend any time with them,,,,never help at home....are aggressive....dont give money...swear at them always....treat their wife like a slave...but don't do drugs....I always fear if I leave maybe I will find someone who does no drugs but has other bad sides....

                Comment


                • #9

                  I think that you should try your best to help and improve him.

                  He seems to be a sincere muslim that has some engrams froms bad past habits and maybe unseen manipulalators.

                  You must have firstly zeal to improve yourself.

                  Increase salawat ibrahimi, sunnah duas on every step, sunnah dhikr, call asma ul husna, ism adhaam, ask intensive duas, ask estegfar, shukr.

                  Try him to get doing same.

                  Try to get him fasting nawafil.

                  That will get help, mercy, noor, guidence and other goods inshaAllah. Everything will be a lot easier.

                  It will inshaAllah improve your looks and health a lot!

                  Get him into fitness, maybe some jiu jitsu, swimming.

                  Let your family help you, visit you, spend time with him, organise his time, be dynamic.

                  Improve your looks and read a lot. Use perfume at home. Buy him gifts, books, misbahas for dhikr.
                  Be the best wife around, loving caring, supporting, talk to him a lot why does he use drugs, does he want to hurt himself, are there better options than that ckear loss, talk to him about his fears, about his plans for future, about children etc.
                  Try that he does not work at home. Get everything cleaned, cook for him etc.
                  He needs love and suport. He needs rest and harmony. He needs time and tranqiulity to think about.

                  Read al Baqara every night or 3x surah Yasin at night and in the mornimg out loud.

                  Get him involved into studying, maybe courses at least.

                  Cook only on olive oil. Get him drink 100% organic pomegranate 2x200 mL daily with tablespoon honey.
                  Buy him best perfums. Use quality bakhoor.
                  Let him use nigella sativa 2x10 mL. Get him rhodiola rosea and let him drink a lot of water. Buy him for start a lot non alcholic beer.
                  Buy a quality coffee machine.
                  Go for walks or cycling.

                  Ask in your community how do they deal with alchohol and drugs.
                  Last edited by Murid; 1 week ago. Reason: Typos and adds

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    PS
                    Drugs are a major evil, but sadly were maybe not unrecognised as such by some Muslims. Hashish came to America on great door by Muslims. That consumption maybe left among African American muslims.

                    I think that marihuana is a great evil.

                    Cocaine is maybe even a greater.

                    You must fight with a lot of zeal for goodness and be very kind, loving, patient and reapectful.

                    If you leave him, without trying goodness, what will it bring?

                    He may go into ambis without you (very probable), you'll be an another unsuccessful marriage mockery etc.

                    Please consult your and his family, friends and doctors.
                    I do not know the law system where you live, but tell him and yourself that it is probably a great crime that can lead to worse crimes. If not involving the system, you may be treated similarly.

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