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Advice needed - marriage proposal

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  • Linkdeutscher
    replied
    Originally posted by RaysOfLight View Post
    Thanks to everyone for their responses, opinions and input, it helped me to put things into perspective second to my istikhara ofcourse. The decision was made by myself and my family to call off the engagement primarily for the dishonesty and lack of transparency. It was not so much about the figures but rather about wanting a spouse who would be open and honest and if he is unable to do that from the get go it doesn't really leave a good impression of what life would have been like post marriage. Jazak'Allah for all the responses.
    May Allah grant you the best. Ameen.

    Leave a comment:


  • RaysOfLight
    replied
    Thanks to everyone for their responses, opinions and input, it helped me to put things into perspective second to my istikhara ofcourse. The decision was made by myself and my family to call off the engagement primarily for the dishonesty and lack of transparency. It was not so much about the figures but rather about wanting a spouse who would be open and honest and if he is unable to do that from the get go it doesn't really leave a good impression of what life would have been like post marriage. Jazak'Allah for all the responses.

    Leave a comment:


  • Eorlingas
    replied
    Originally posted by chocwaffles View Post

    Yeah but if you have been searching for 8 years and are mid 30s now then that means you have seen lots of tins of baked beans that are bruised. It's like during covid times where the key workers got to go in the shops first and then rest of us had to make do with what was left.
    I guess some would rather starve than accept a dented tin of beans..which is fair enough. Why make someone else's life miserable?

    Leave a comment:


  • chocwaffles
    replied
    Originally posted by Janna90 View Post

    Am talking about him not being transparent about issues he has in his finances. Which will then effect his marriage.

    Am not talking about his Income or his job.

    Yes of course you do need to be prepared, but I would have to disagree because you Can plan. And it starts by choosing the right spouse who knows how to Manage finances and is a responsible person. You can earn a lot but not be responsible therefore have issues with managing finances.
    Yeah but if you have been searching for 8 years and are mid 30s now then that means you have seen lots of tins of baked beans that are bruised. It's like during covid times where the key workers got to go in the shops first and then rest of us had to make do with what was left.

    Leave a comment:


  • Janna90
    replied
    Originally posted by chocwaffles View Post

    Yeah but if I told you I work as a bus driver you can go online and find out roughly what I could be earning and from that draw some conclusions. If someone outright lied then that's a different story. You can find out things if you paid attention.

    With the economy and work life this stable finances is anything but stable you need to be prepared for highs and lows in marriage. You can't really plan for everything.
    Am talking about him not being transparent about issues he has in his finances. Which will then effect his marriage.

    Am not talking about his Income or his job.

    Yes of course you do need to be prepared, but I would have to disagree because you Can plan. And it starts by choosing the right spouse who knows how to Manage finances and is a responsible person. You can earn a lot but not be responsible therefore have issues with managing finances.

    Leave a comment:


  • Janna90
    replied
    Originally posted by RaysOfLight View Post
    Jazak'Allah for your response. I would like to add that he made it clear if I gave up work he would not be able to pay the rent plus the bills. He would definitely then not be able to pay for food and clothing. Islamically he is obligated to provide all of the above, none of which are luxuries. So my fear is that if I give up work when I have a child he would not be able to afford the above unless he worked pretty much all day, every day of the week due to his low income from his main job during the week and I would be left at home on my own to raise a child.​​​​​
    You arleady know his responsibilities and he’s telling you he is not able to fulfil it. Now the only question here is are you willing to compromise on that? And he’s already making it an issue and you’re not even married yet. Imagine what it would be like after marriage. Just find out more information and try to discuss it.

    Leave a comment:


  • chocwaffles
    replied
    Originally posted by Janna90 View Post

    I don’t think the problem is his Income, but his attitude towards money and not being transparent about any problems. Going into a marriage of course you need to know about the finances, you need to know if the person is good with money and is able to manage his finances well. If there any issues which will effect his marriage, he should be transparent about it. Because this is something that will effect the other person. You don’t deal with things by being quiet about it.
    Yeah but if I told you I work as a bus driver you can go online and find out roughly what I could be earning and from that draw some conclusions. If someone outright lied then that's a different story. You can find out things if you paid attention.

    With the economy and work life this stable finances is anything but stable you need to be prepared for highs and lows in marriage. You can't really plan for everything.

    Leave a comment:


  • Janna90
    replied
    Originally posted by chocwaffles View Post

    Yes them saying they would pay for the wedding and then pulling out is not good I get that but that could be countered by delaying living together for a few months to make up the shortfall.

    How much does a man in the UK need to earn before a woman looks his way?
    I don’t think the problem is his Income, but his attitude towards money and not being transparent about any problems. Going into a marriage of course you need to know about the finances, you need to know if the person is good with money and is able to manage his finances well. If there any issues which will effect his marriage, he should be transparent about it. Because this is something that will effect the other person. You don’t deal with things by being quiet about it.

    Leave a comment:


  • Eorlingas
    replied
    Originally posted by chocwaffles View Post

    Yes them saying they would pay for the wedding and then pulling out is not good I get that but that could be countered by delaying living together for a few months to make up the shortfall.

    How much does a man in the UK need to earn before a woman looks his way?
    Not only the paying for the wedding...she claims that she "was given the impression that he was financially stable and that his financial situation is not an issue".

    Maybe she would have been more willing to compromise had they been more transparent about his income, or lack thereof, and working hours before she had accepted the proposal.

    Leave a comment:


  • chocwaffles
    replied
    Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post

    Apart from not wishing to live on the breadline (understandable), I think the main issue is how the boys side gave one impression beforehand, and then changed their tune after the proposal was accepted. If they had been more open and honest with their intentions, then it might have been more acceptable.

    With regards to being more flexible with one's criteria based on the realities, I think that only works when the person has a natural and willing realisation to be pragmatic. Going into a marriage harbouring resentment and feelings (misplaced or otherwise) that your spouse is not worthy of you, is not a recipe for a happy marriage.
    Yes them saying they would pay for the wedding and then pulling out is not good I get that but that could be countered by delaying living together for a few months to make up the shortfall.

    How much does a man in the UK need to earn before a woman looks his way?

    Leave a comment:


  • Eorlingas
    replied
    Originally posted by chocwaffles View Post

    I also left off other ways to top up the income BUT I was not trying to give it to the nearest penny. The point being plenty of people survive in the UK on minimum wage. Especially when one partner earns signinficatly more and plans to still work.

    First world problems.
    Apart from not wishing to live on the breadline (understandable), I think the main issue is how the boys side gave one impression beforehand, and then changed their tune after the proposal was accepted. If they had been more open and honest with their intentions, then it might have been more acceptable.

    With regards to being more flexible with one's criteria based on the realities, I think that only works when the person has a natural and willing realisation to be pragmatic. Going into a marriage harbouring resentment and feelings (misplaced or otherwise) that your spouse is not worthy of you, is not a recipe for a happy marriage.

    Leave a comment:


  • chocwaffles
    replied
    Originally posted by Faith reloaded 2 View Post
    Your figures look off

    40hrs at minimum wage gets you £360?

    Minimum wage is £8.91 for your 30yr old peep

    £8.91 * 40 = £356.40

    BUT

    You have forgotten TAX, NI, pension
    I also left off other ways to top up the income BUT I was not trying to give it to the nearest penny. The point being plenty of people survive in the UK on minimum wage. Especially when one partner earns signinficatly more and plans to still work.

    First world problems.

    Leave a comment:


  • Faith reloaded 2
    replied
    Your figures look off

    40hrs at minimum wage gets you £360?

    Minimum wage is £8.91 for your 30yr old peep

    £8.91 * 40 = £356.40

    BUT

    You have forgotten TAX, NI, pension

    Leave a comment:


  • Eorlingas
    replied

    Leave a comment:


  • Grimlock1
    replied
    If a man is not transparent about his income it's a red flag..never mind he can't take care of you financially.


    As much I hate to say this you will have problems if you go ahead. I am talking from experience

    Leave a comment:

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