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Advice needed - marriage proposal

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  • #16
    Originally posted by Hamza1416 View Post
    salam alaykum wa rahmat allah
    before giving advice i need to know do you live in a muslim or western country ?
    Wa alaykumu as-salam

    I live in the UK

    Comment


    • #17
      Originally posted by RaysOfLight View Post

      Wa alaykumu as-salam

      I live in the UK
      salam alaykum wa rahmat allah
      my advice would be dont make children in the uk . save money and once you get to know eachother better move to a muslim country make as many children as you want there your husband work and you focus on raising your children on islamic teachings
      why moving to a muslim country is mandatory if you want to raise your children properly
      the uk goverment just like any secular goverment look rely on immigrants and their children along with muslims to keep the population stable since the original population have being indoctrinated with secular selfish ideology there is no point for them in makin childen and in best case scenario they make only 1
      the goverment start working on brainwashing your children at a young age they begin with what called ''sex education'' teaching them that its okay to practice adultery or change gender it okay to be gay instead of playing with toys they will be learning how to use contraceptives

      when they are teenagers they are going to be bullied by the kids and teachers and random people on the street and might even get attacked for being muslims they will be bombarded with misconceptions about islam and due ti their ignorance it will cause them confusion and might lead them to becaome atheist i live in morocco yet some of the misconceptions did confuse me due to my ignorance of important things from the quran and sunnah or less important things like history and logical fallacies
      if it a girl it even worse she will be bullied for being a virgin and not having a boyfriend by other girls imagine being bullied by prostitutes for being a virgin and not comitting adultery well this is a reality for muslim girls in the west
      they will teach them that the theory of evolution explain our existence in this world and remove the need of god despite it being just a theory and have being debunked yet the west still promote it as a fact to serve it brainwashing purposes
      you can watch this playlist for debunking this theory if you speak arabic
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tePv...2UOv3jCzht1_yc
      if you dont speak arabic
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqet...hVqpbQw99Do2B-

      and if you argue that you can counter this brainwashing by teaching them in home after they come from school you are just being delusional they spend more time in school than they do with you and they will get influenced by the other kids and whatever the teacher tell them if you try to teach them islam they might get taken away from you for teaching them ``radical islam`` if you tell them that homosexuality is wrong they will get taken from you for being``homophobic`` if they getconfused and want to change their gender they will change their gender and you cant do anything about it


      if you speak arabic you can benefit from these muslims stories from the west playlist
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nsew...bUHswgo8hjz5z1

      i am not saying that raising your kids in muslim countries wont be a challenge but it would be way more easier and doable you can teach them islam freely and the society being a muslim will help aswell they will go the masjid heard the khutba heard the ayat of the quran that warn about homosexuals they wil live their childhood properly without having to deal with ''sex education' filth they wont get bombarded with misconceptions about islam they wont get bullied for being a muslim or a virgin if it a girl and even if they learn theory of evolution in school it easier to debunk in a society that reject it

      in case you refuse to take my advice and insist on making children in the uk then you have only yourself to blaim when your kids decide to change their gender become atheist get stabed y an islamophobe become gay practice adultery leave wit her boyfriend if she is a girl or get taken away from you for teaching them ``radical islam``



      Comment


      • #18
        Originally posted by RaysOfLight View Post

        I would have questioned how he would intend to support me if I gave up work/went part time which I would probably do if I had a baby. I could have made an informed decision prior to accepting the proposal.

        I believe he is quite naive and has never lived away from home or really manage finances in regards to having to balance paying rent, bills, etc. I do feel however that his family have been dishonest and are now wanting to clarify their position with my parents. Why not do this from the get go. It feels petty to sit and dicuss finances because it now feels this is what this proposal has been reduced to. His family are wanting to count how much every single element of the wedding will cost and it is so bizzare as we have never done this before especially with my siblings in laws etc.

        Allah knows best and I will continue with my istikhara.
        Have you talked to him straight up about everything that's (understandably) bothering you?

        Talk to him before you do istikharah again, you may not even need to do istikharah after you talk to him.

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by Hamza1416 View Post
          salam alaykum wa rahmat allah
          my advice would be dont make children in the uk . save money and once you get to know eachother better move to a muslim country make as many children as you want there your husband work and you focus on raising your children on islamic teachings
          why moving to a muslim country is mandatory if you want to raise your children properly
          the uk goverment just like any secular goverment look rely on immigrants and their children along with muslims to keep the population stable since the original population have being indoctrinated with secular selfish ideology there is no point for them in makin childen and in best case scenario they make only 1
          the goverment start working on brainwashing your children at a young age they begin with what called ''sex education'' teaching them that its okay to practice adultery or change gender it okay to be gay instead of playing with toys they will be learning how to use contraceptives

          when they are teenagers they are going to be bullied by the kids and teachers and random people on the street and might even get attacked for being muslims they will be bombarded with misconceptions about islam and due ti their ignorance it will cause them confusion and might lead them to becaome atheist i live in morocco yet some of the misconceptions did confuse me due to my ignorance of important things from the quran and sunnah or less important things like history and logical fallacies
          if it a girl it even worse she will be bullied for being a virgin and not having a boyfriend by other girls imagine being bullied by prostitutes for being a virgin and not comitting adultery well this is a reality for muslim girls in the west
          they will teach them that the theory of evolution explain our existence in this world and remove the need of god despite it being just a theory and have being debunked yet the west still promote it as a fact to serve it brainwashing purposes
          you can watch this playlist for debunking this theory if you speak arabic
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tePv...2UOv3jCzht1_yc
          if you dont speak arabic
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqet...hVqpbQw99Do2B-

          and if you argue that you can counter this brainwashing by teaching them in home after they come from school you are just being delusional they spend more time in school than they do with you and they will get influenced by the other kids and whatever the teacher tell them if you try to teach them islam they might get taken away from you for teaching them ``radical islam`` if you tell them that homosexuality is wrong they will get taken from you for being``homophobic`` if they getconfused and want to change their gender they will change their gender and you cant do anything about it


          if you speak arabic you can benefit from these muslims stories from the west playlist
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nsew...bUHswgo8hjz5z1

          i am not saying that raising your kids in muslim countries wont be a challenge but it would be way more easier and doable you can teach them islam freely and the society being a muslim will help aswell they will go the masjid heard the khutba heard the ayat of the quran that warn about homosexuals they wil live their childhood properly without having to deal with ''sex education' filth they wont get bombarded with misconceptions about islam they wont get bullied for being a muslim or a virgin if it a girl and even if they learn theory of evolution in school it easier to debunk in a society that reject it

          in case you refuse to take my advice and insist on making children in the uk then you have only yourself to blaim when your kids decide to change their gender become atheist get stabed y an islamophobe become gay practice adultery leave wit her boyfriend if she is a girl or get taken away from you for teaching them ``radical islam``


          Ya akh, did you even read her posts?

          Comment


          • #20
            I'm not sure what talking to him again is likely to achieve. He has, albeit a little belatedly, made his position quite clear. Asking the same questions again hoping for a different answer comes across as desperate, and basically asking for any hollow promises to hang on to, as an excuse to go ahead with the marriage. I sympathise with your situation, but I personally wouldn't go near him with a 10 foot barge pole.

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by RaysOfLight View Post

              Wa alaykumu as-salam

              I live in the UK
              Keep praying istikhara and make duaa you know things can change in life, maybe you can find a better job for him or he’ll find one with better pay, look at the bright side inshallah, marriage is beautiful things and comes with good days commitments, struggles and bad, keep your trust with Allah and follow your instinct.

              ☝🏻️اللهمَّ لك الحمد حتى ترضى، ولك الحمد إذا رضيت، ولك الحمد بعد الرضا

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post
                I'm not sure what talking to him again is likely to achieve. He has, albeit a little belatedly, made his position quite clear. Asking the same questions again hoping for a different answer comes across as desperate, and basically asking for any hollow promises to hang on to, as an excuse to go ahead with the marriage. I sympathise with your situation, but I personally wouldn't go near him with a 10 foot barge pole.
                I agree, especially after we have already had a lengthy meeting to discuss why the goal posts were changed. He seems to believe that if his family can now contribute a little toward the wedding that is the matter resolved. He is completing missing the whole point which is they were dishonest about their situation and it only came to light by chance.

                He seems ill prepared for marriage and the responsibilities that come with it and his family seem to think that I should just quietly continue with this despite them changing the goal posts. I guess I have now answered my own question...

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by .Hajar. View Post

                  Ya akh, did you even read her posts?
                  i did but did you read mine ?

                  Comment


                  • #24

                    Marriage is not and should not be mostly about money.

                    It is interesting that someone working 7 days a week does npt earn enough.
                    Everything could be improved, including education and prequalification, additional skills etc.

                    There should be a question are his deen and manners good, is he the person with whom you would spend your days, nights till the end of your life?

                    It is interesting that you earn more, but even you can upgrade yourself.
                    Some for example go to university (allready MD PHD) in their fifties and get two additional diplomas (law and economics).

                    There are also investments. Maybe it is better to invest instead of buying a home. The money you would invest could bring you 2-3 more monthly salaries of passive income till ends of your dunya.
                    In 3-4 yours maybe to invest in a second stream of investment.

                    You must plan education and probably housing of children.
                    Having babysitters, tutors, informal additional education is very recommended and that costs to.

                    Maybe to live in a well by transportation connected studio outside the city, maybe with subway connection-your life would be amazingly better inshaAllah.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      If a man is not transparent about his income it's a red flag..never mind he can't take care of you financially.


                      As much I hate to say this you will have problems if you go ahead. I am talking from experience

                      Comment


                      • #26

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Your figures look off

                          40hrs at minimum wage gets you £360?

                          Minimum wage is £8.91 for your 30yr old peep

                          £8.91 * 40 = £356.40

                          BUT

                          You have forgotten TAX, NI, pension

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Faith reloaded 2 View Post
                            Your figures look off

                            40hrs at minimum wage gets you £360?

                            Minimum wage is £8.91 for your 30yr old peep

                            £8.91 * 40 = £356.40

                            BUT

                            You have forgotten TAX, NI, pension
                            I also left off other ways to top up the income BUT I was not trying to give it to the nearest penny. The point being plenty of people survive in the UK on minimum wage. Especially when one partner earns signinficatly more and plans to still work.

                            First world problems.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Originally posted by chocwaffles View Post

                              I also left off other ways to top up the income BUT I was not trying to give it to the nearest penny. The point being plenty of people survive in the UK on minimum wage. Especially when one partner earns signinficatly more and plans to still work.

                              First world problems.
                              Apart from not wishing to live on the breadline (understandable), I think the main issue is how the boys side gave one impression beforehand, and then changed their tune after the proposal was accepted. If they had been more open and honest with their intentions, then it might have been more acceptable.

                              With regards to being more flexible with one's criteria based on the realities, I think that only works when the person has a natural and willing realisation to be pragmatic. Going into a marriage harbouring resentment and feelings (misplaced or otherwise) that your spouse is not worthy of you, is not a recipe for a happy marriage.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post

                                Apart from not wishing to live on the breadline (understandable), I think the main issue is how the boys side gave one impression beforehand, and then changed their tune after the proposal was accepted. If they had been more open and honest with their intentions, then it might have been more acceptable.

                                With regards to being more flexible with one's criteria based on the realities, I think that only works when the person has a natural and willing realisation to be pragmatic. Going into a marriage harbouring resentment and feelings (misplaced or otherwise) that your spouse is not worthy of you, is not a recipe for a happy marriage.
                                Yes them saying they would pay for the wedding and then pulling out is not good I get that but that could be countered by delaying living together for a few months to make up the shortfall.

                                How much does a man in the UK need to earn before a woman looks his way?

                                Comment

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