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Advice needed - marriage proposal

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  • Advice needed - marriage proposal

    I have recently had a marriage proposal from a man who is of good character, akhlaq and is practicing. He is very kind, humble and well mannered. The rishta was through the mosque and his family are from the same area we grew up in thus we have some connections although the families didn't really know of each other prior to the proposal.

    We agreed after 3 meetings with family present that we want to get married in shaa Allah and did istikhara which indicated we should proceed. However as further information about his situation has come to light, i feel financially he is not in a position to get married despite me and my family being advised and given the impression by him and his family that he was.

    We agreed upon a simple one day wedding with close family and friends to attend only thus keeping the cost to a minimum but still having somewhat of a nice wedding. Also as he has no room to accommodate me in his family home, it was agreed he would rent a property for a short while and then we would look to buy a property 1 or 2 years into the marriage in shaa Allah. Both families agreed to split the cost of the wedding and that was that.

    It now transpires that his family are not paying for the wedding at all thus meaning he has to use the small amount of savings he has to pay for the wedding. Also on his wage he cannot afford the rent, bills, food etc as per his Islamic duties as a husband. I had agreed to pay half of the rent and bills to assist with this. It also transpires he was planning on working 7 days a week but was not planning on informing me of this until after marriage. He said if I were to stop working we would be living pay check to pay check.
    Alhumdulilah I earn a much higher salary than him so if I want certain things for myself I would need to continue paying for my own things such as clothes, if we wanted a holiday, it is likely I would need to fund this in it's entirety.

    My fear is that if I stopped working, which I aim to do temporarily if in shaa Allah I have children, we will be living on the bread line and I will be at home with a baby whilst he is then working 7 days a week. He has already outlined to me that we would be in a sticky situation financially if I did not work and then we may not be able to afford a house at least not within the timescale initially agreed upon (we both agreed to put down a deposit using each of our savings but he has none).

    Alhumdulilah I am very comfortable in terms of my current life financially and with what is now being proposed in terms of the life style we will have post marriage, I would struggle to adapt to this.

    As stated i am battling between him having the qualities of a good husband but also him not being able to provide and fulfill his obligations financially in line with Islamic law. If I were to give up work we would be living pay check to pay check and this can bring about a whole host of issues.

    Advice from sisters that may have been in a similar situation will be much appreciated.
    Last edited by RaysOfLight; 4 days ago.

  • #2
    It seems he can fulfill his Islamic obligations but at the expense of giving up on some luxuries.

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    • #3
      Jazak'Allah for your response. I would like to add that he made it clear if I gave up work he would not be able to pay the rent plus the bills. He would definitely then not be able to pay for food and clothing. Islamically he is obligated to provide all of the above, none of which are luxuries. So my fear is that if I give up work when I have a child he would not be able to afford the above unless he worked pretty much all day, every day of the week due to his low income from his main job during the week and I would be left at home on my own to raise a child.​​​​​

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      • #4
        Not related but I like your username

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        • #5
          Originally posted by RaysOfLight View Post
          Jazak'Allah for your response. I would like to add that he made it clear if I gave up work he would not be able to pay the rent plus the bills. He would definitely then not be able to pay for food and clothing. Islamically he is obligated to provide all of the above, none of which are luxuries. So my fear is that if I give up work when I have a child he would not be able to afford the above unless he worked pretty much all day, every day of the week due to his low income from his main job during the week and I would be left at home on my own to raise a child.​​​​​
          Do you believe if he had more he would do justice to you??
          His way may open but would he make an effort?
          Look at the dua you made in istikhara and what's come to light... this may be your istikhara dua playing out...

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          • #6
            Odd that his financial situation came to light after you agreed to the marriage. Surely it would be necessary to be aware of it prior to agreeing, in order to decide if you were willing to no longer be kept in the manner you are currently accustomed. Anyway, If him working 7 days a week just to make ends meet is not the kind of marriage you find acceptable then you know what to do. Obviously there must be reasons why you are considering someone so much less financially well off than yourself. Do you realistically think you think you are able to attract a wealthier man with the qualities you are looking for? And if you settle for this chap, will it lead to a life of resentment on your part for his inability to keep you in the manner you desire, which would be unfair on him.

            it appears from what you've said that he lacks ambition to improve his circumstances, and I don't think that sits well with you.

            There is an unfortunate circumstance where one fails to recognise or accept that one's reach may exceed ones grasp, leading to continuous disappointment and ultimately disillusion in the marriage process, or a miserable married life with someone you feel, rightly or wrongly, is not worthy of you.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by RaysOfLight View Post
              Jazak'Allah for your response. I would like to add that he made it clear if I gave up work he would not be able to pay the rent plus the bills. He would definitely then not be able to pay for food and clothing. Islamically he is obligated to provide all of the above, none of which are luxuries. So my fear is that if I give up work when I have a child he would not be able to afford the above unless he worked pretty much all day, every day of the week due to his low income from his main job during the week and I would be left at home on my own to raise a child.​​​​​
              How much is the rent?

              Comment


              • #8
                When we agreed to marry and families met, both he and his family gave the impression that his parents would fund the wedding thus leaving him to use his savings to build on and save further for a deposit on a house. That was sufficient for me as I'm not looking for a rich man. Yes he may earn significantly less than I do but the impression I was given was that he is financially stable and his financial situation is not an issue. Him also planning to work 7 days a week only came to light after the marriage proposal was accepted and was very different to what he said his working pattern would be prior to me accepting the proposal.

                He disclosed to me that his family are unable to assist financially with anything and he was unable to tell me the reason why, stating it was personal.

                I am not asking for alot (I am asking for him to provide the basics such as shelter, paying the bills etc without needing to rely heavily on my income too). Nor am I asking for him to fund some of the things I am accustomed to (just to add I am not materialistic). I accepted the proposal believing financially he is stable and it turns out that is not the case partly due to his family circumstances which he is unwilling to disclose to me

                Just to add I am almost in my mid 30s and I I 3.5 years older than him. I am willing to accept someone ofcourse who earns less than me as long as they are financially secure and able to provide me and in shaa Allah my children with stability and security.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by RaysOfLight View Post

                  Just to add I am almost in my mid 30s and I I 3.5 years older than him. I am willing to accept someone ofcourse who earns less than me as long as they are financially secure and able to provide me and in shaa Allah my children with stability and security.
                  Well I think it's pretty clear that he won't be able to offer that, so it's a no brainer I guess?

                  What qualities do you think you possess that would put you ahead of say a 25/26 year old who is also looking for someone who can provide similar security? All else being equal, Is there any reason why a 30 year old man who is financially stable would pick you over them? As someone highly paid, you must be very aware of your worth in whatever field you are in. Unfortunately in the marriage search, suddenly people become ignorant to the concept of competition and supply and demand. They just want to be "accepted", They complain "why am I being judged like this" why is the opposite sex so superficial?" .."why doesn't someone with the qualities I demand just marry me because I want them to".."am I asking for too much??"....unfortunately some will eternally be asking such questions and living in cloud cuckoo land and even if they begrudgingly marry, they are unlikely to find contentment in the marriage. I'm not sure if it's possible to overcome such a mindset.


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                  • #10
                    I am under no illusion about the pitfalls of the marriage search process as I have been searching for around 8 years now for a suitable spouse. I also recognise my age is a barrier hence why I am still trying to carefully think about any decision I make in regards to this situation. Not to say ofcourse that my age is the reason I will just blindly accept any proposal that comes my way especially if it transpires that both the guy and his family haven't been completely honest about his situation which I find very odd and also disrespectful.

                    I also know wealth can come and go so even if I married someone who is financially secure, that security and his situation could change literally overnight. But it'd whether I take the chance in this situation and ultimately hope for the best. The results of my istikhara have not been clear so I am going to revisit that too in shaa Allah.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      If they had been more transparent about his income, working hours, and lack of parental contribution to the wedding expenses from the get go would you have accepted the proposal?

                      If they have deliberately given the wrong impression and moved the goalposts after you accepted the proposal, then I would not consider that the behaviour of a man of good character.

                      Are these the type of people you want to get involved with?

                      It is a pretty common situation, in the UK at least, where both spouses work until kids come along. The wife may then give up work or go part time depending on circumstances, but I would prefer people to be upfront with their intentions.



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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by RaysOfLight View Post
                        When we agreed to marry and families met, both he and his family gave the impression that his parents would fund the wedding thus leaving him to use his savings to build on and save further for a deposit on a house.
                        ...
                        He disclosed to me that his family are unable to assist financially with anything and he was unable to tell me the reason why, stating it was personal.
                        Are you sure something just didn't happen between then to change their financial situation?

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post
                          If they had been more transparent about his income, working hours, and lack of parental contribution to the wedding expenses from the get go would you have accepted the proposal?

                          If they have deliberately given the wrong impression and moved the goalposts after you accepted the proposal, then I would not consider that the behaviour of a man of good character.

                          Are these the type of people you want to get involved with?

                          It is a pretty common situation, in the UK at least, where both spouses work until kids come along. The wife may then give up work or go part time depending on circumstances, but I would prefer people to be upfront with their intentions.


                          I would have questioned how he would intend to support me if I gave up work/went part time which I would probably do if I had a baby. I could have made an informed decision prior to accepting the proposal.

                          I believe he is quite naive and has never lived away from home or really manage finances in regards to having to balance paying rent, bills, etc. I do feel however that his family have been dishonest and are now wanting to clarify their position with my parents. Why not do this from the get go. It feels petty to sit and dicuss finances because it now feels this is what this proposal has been reduced to. His family are wanting to count how much every single element of the wedding will cost and it is so bizzare as we have never done this before especially with my siblings in laws etc.

                          Allah knows best and I will continue with my istikhara.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Mufti Cheesecake View Post

                            Are you sure something just didn't happen between then to change their financial situation?
                            Maybe but even if it has, for me to then be told by him that its personal aka none of my business is what I take issue with.

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                            • #15
                              salam alaykum wa rahmat allah
                              before giving advice i need to know do you live in a muslim or western country ?

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