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Contemplating Divorce

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  • Contemplating Divorce


    Please read the post in its entirety. I'm in my 30s and my wife is one year younger, with no kids yet. We have been married for two years, traditionally. Before marriage, I had never involved myself in haram relationships and stayed away from all forms of temptations to the best of my abilities. We got married traditionally via family members, but she was living in another city so we had known each other long-distance for about a year before we were newlyweds. From the beginning, I was very upfront about my lifestyle and finances. I'm currently a junior doctor in training with lots of student loans debt to pay back. We live a comfortable life but in order to do that. I am a minimalist and like to live a frugal life. She's not. So in order to make her comfortable, we essentially live paycheck to paycheck with not much in savings nor significant payoff of debt. She stays at home and does not work. She's going to school full time and I'm supporting her academically, emotionally, and financially.

    Her father died when she was about seven years old and was raised by her mother and she has siblings. She's overly attached and I'm ok with that. I don't have anything in my life besides work and being with her. She has no friends either. I've noticed that she splits in emotions. We've had multiple arguments, and when she gets angry, she breaks things, hits herself, bangs her head against the wall, and destroys things I had gifted her. She either sees me as an angel or the devil. She has no sense of introspection and is unable to be fair in conversations when she's angry. She finds it very difficult to admit when she wrongs me. She has incredible difficulty with an apology. I am not a perfect person. I've had my good and bad moments. I've raised my voice before but it never got physical. More recently, we've exchanged insults and hurtful words during arguments. She says she loves me whenever she's calm and after I've apologized. I shower her with love words, hugs, and other forms of affection all day long.

    We recently found out she's pregnant (4-5 weeks). I understand that women go through hormonal changes and might have mood swings. I was sitting on my desk at home, and out of nowhere, she starts criticizing me for not buying her enough gifts. She constantly compares me with how other men treat their women with gifts and that I don't care about her. I have read the five love languages book and I had explained to her that my way of expressing love is very strong in four elements and that I will do my best to work on the "gifts" part when my financial status improves as well as promised her to travel and buy her thing after I start working as GP doctor and my income improves. She's not convinced. She thinks am a miser and that I don't address her needs. This really upsets me as it makes me feel that she's ungrateful for what I do and that does not appreciate me for who I am. I feel that she does not understand my core as a person. I had offered marriage counseling multiple times but she abhors the idea and does not want to do it. During last night's argument, she would say things like "if you don't pay attention to my needs, someone else would" and when I try to clarify what she means by that she would not elaborate. Last night, she took some random pills from our home pharmacy and shouted that she wants to give birth to a deformed baby throughs the baby at me to go live her life. She isolates herself in a room when she gets angry or leaves the house and returns hours later. One time, she spent the night at a hotel by herself nearby because she was angry with me. Yesterday I saw that she had broken the door with repetitive kicks.

    Positive things about her: as long as I keep her calm and happy, she's very positive with me and pays attention to my needs at home. She does almost all of the house chores. We have no issues in bed either. She becomes a completely different person when she gets angry, and I have to go above and beyond with apologies showing remorse for what I "did" or "said" before she calms down and gets back to her baseline.

    I apologize for giving many details but I'm just lost in what to do next. I don't feel we're on the same page. She does not understand my core values. She does not accept criticism of any type. She's designed a way to think that any issue in our relationship is due to my shortcomings and that if she does something wrong, it is because in response to my mistakes. I'm tired of this situation. I'm afraid that she would do something to herself if I decided to split up. I don't feel that my efforts are appreciated in this marriage. I'm contemplating divorce.


  • #2
    Originally posted by Beebox View Post
    when she gets angry, she breaks things, hits herself, bangs her head against the wall, and destroys things

    Last night, she took some random pills from our home pharmacy and shouted that she wants to give birth to a deformed baby throughs the baby at me to go live her life. She isolates herself in a room when she gets angry or leaves the house and returns hours later. One time, she spent the night at a hotel by herself nearby because she was angry with me. Yesterday I saw that she had broken the door with repetitive kicks.
    Why don't you ask some doctors at your hospital if they think she may be suffering from some type of mental disorder.

    Comment


    • #3
      Sorry about your situation, it sounds very stressful to live with someone who is a wreck and unstable, she needs serious help for someone in her thirties, this is unacceptable for an overgrown woman to behave like she is in kindergarten.

      It's disappointing that you are contemplating a divorce now after bringing in a baby in the picture, it's irresponsible of both of you. She's not fit to be a mum from the sounds of it, has some type of daddy issues as they call it.

      Is her mum of any use? Usually, you would go to the elders of the families who are supposed to act as mediators. This should be the first step.

      If she thinks men are waiting for her, she is sadly mistaking, I don't know what world she is living in, it's laughable. One of her family members will have to give her that reality check and persuade her to go and see a Muslim therapist. It's disgraceful that she is trying to harm the baby. If this isn't a troll account, that's the most frustrating thing about your post.

      I'm concerned about the poor baby. People are trying so hard to conceive and this woman is out of control, she needs serious help before she does something worse, you will have to involve a third party because she doesn't respect you.

      Make dua as much as you can

      All the best
      'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

      So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

      Comment


      • #4
        I am afraid to say that she sounds severely psychologically disturbed.
        You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

        You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

        Comment


        • #5


          Dear brother, I read your post fast, but maybe she has a borderline peronality disorder?
          You should had psychiatry training in med school?

          Your situation is not easy. Dept and she definitely misbehaves a lot and causes harm. I do not understand the need for gifts.
          Ahlaq and healthy functioning seems not prevalent.
          Does she pray?
          Does she recite the mornings and evenings prophetic duas?
          Maybe she misplaces you for her lost father. Maybe
          he bought her gifts and she sees herself as a victim and punishes you for her lost years of attention.

          Now there is a child in the way, but please start to resolve problems ASAP. Visit a psychiatrist and a raqi. May Allah help.

          Comment


          • #6
            PS
            ask a lot of dua for everything and give daily sadaqah even small

            Some duas:
            https://www.duasrevival.com/supplica...-and-provision

            https://www.duasrevival.com/supplica...h-with-barakah

            https://salawaat.wordpress.com/2015/...a-from-hadith/

            https://myislam.org/dua-for-debt/

            Read them at least 10x mornings and evenings.

            Please implement other duas, especially mornings, evenings, after wudhu, before leaving home, entering home and sleep.

            Ask daily at least 100x longer prophetic estegfar, like astagfirullah al Adheem alladhii la ilaha illa huwal hayyul qayyumu wa atubu ilayh, and shukr "alhamdulillah wa shukrulillah:, and Ya hayyum ya qayyumu be rahmatika astages aslihli sha ni kullahu wa la takilne illa nafsi tarfata ayn, and salawat from last sitting in prayer, and la ilaha illallahu wahdahu la sharika lahu lahul mulku wa lahul hamdu wa huwa ala kulli shayin qadeer.
            Please find everything in Arabic and be consistant.

            Fast if you can mondays and thursdays-this will improve your health and bring deeni benefits inshaAllah.

            Read surah Yasin once mornings amd evenings.

            Spend time with your family, have friends to visit and visit gym with friends.

            If it is possible find a second job or a part time bussines if it is possible in UK.

            Comment


            • #7
              Damn! You have a lot of patience. That's commendable.

              Based on your description, I believe you are trying your best. Tell her firmly (yet politely) about your expectations. If she doesn't change after that, divorce is probably not a bad option.

              She can bankrupt you at this rate. Don't be in debt. Use your head.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Beebox View Post
                Please read the post in its entirety. I'm in my 30s and my wife is one year younger, with no kids yet. We have been married for two years, traditionally. Before marriage, I had never involved myself in haram relationships and stayed away from all forms of temptations to the best of my abilities. We got married traditionally via family members, but she was living in another city so we had known each other long-distance for about a year before we were newlyweds. From the beginning, I was very upfront about my lifestyle and finances. I'm currently a junior doctor in training with lots of student loans debt to pay back. We live a comfortable life but in order to do that. I am a minimalist and like to live a frugal life. She's not. So in order to make her comfortable, we essentially live paycheck to paycheck with not much in savings nor significant payoff of debt. She stays at home and does not work. She's going to school full time and I'm supporting her academically, emotionally, and financially.

                Her father died when she was about seven years old and was raised by her mother and she has siblings. She's overly attached and I'm ok with that. I don't have anything in my life besides work and being with her. She has no friends either. I've noticed that she splits in emotions. We've had multiple arguments, and when she gets angry, she breaks things, hits herself, bangs her head against the wall, and destroys things I had gifted her. She either sees me as an angel or the devil. She has no sense of introspection and is unable to be fair in conversations when she's angry. She finds it very difficult to admit when she wrongs me. She has incredible difficulty with an apology. I am not a perfect person. I've had my good and bad moments. I've raised my voice before but it never got physical. More recently, we've exchanged insults and hurtful words during arguments. She says she loves me whenever she's calm and after I've apologized. I shower her with love words, hugs, and other forms of affection all day long.

                We recently found out she's pregnant (4-5 weeks). I understand that women go through hormonal changes and might have mood swings. I was sitting on my desk at home, and out of nowhere, she starts criticizing me for not buying her enough gifts. She constantly compares me with how other men treat their women with gifts and that I don't care about her. I have read the five love languages book and I had explained to her that my way of expressing love is very strong in four elements and that I will do my best to work on the "gifts" part when my financial status improves as well as promised her to travel and buy her thing after I start working as GP doctor and my income improves. She's not convinced. She thinks am a miser and that I don't address her needs. This really upsets me as it makes me feel that she's ungrateful for what I do and that does not appreciate me for who I am. I feel that she does not understand my core as a person. I had offered marriage counseling multiple times but she abhors the idea and does not want to do it. During last night's argument, she would say things like "if you don't pay attention to my needs, someone else would" and when I try to clarify what she means by that she would not elaborate. Last night, she took some random pills from our home pharmacy and shouted that she wants to give birth to a deformed baby throughs the baby at me to go live her life. She isolates herself in a room when she gets angry or leaves the house and returns hours later. One time, she spent the night at a hotel by herself nearby because she was angry with me. Yesterday I saw that she had broken the door with repetitive kicks.

                Positive things about her: as long as I keep her calm and happy, she's very positive with me and pays attention to my needs at home. She does almost all of the house chores. We have no issues in bed either. She becomes a completely different person when she gets angry, and I have to go above and beyond with apologies showing remorse for what I "did" or "said" before she calms down and gets back to her baseline.

                I apologize for giving many details but I'm just lost in what to do next. I don't feel we're on the same page. She does not understand my core values. She does not accept criticism of any type. She's designed a way to think that any issue in our relationship is due to my shortcomings and that if she does something wrong, it is because in response to my mistakes. I'm tired of this situation. I'm afraid that she would do something to herself if I decided to split up. I don't feel that my efforts are appreciated in this marriage. I'm contemplating divorce.
                Could your wife have had a higher standard of living before you got married? Maybe she is used to more and is struggling to adjust with less.

                Your average woman marrying a doctor would think she has hit the jackpot so she’s probably confused with reality. A quick search online would tell you that the pot of gold does not come on day 1.

                Your wife is at least honest and transparent and is letting you know what she wants. She does have serious anger issues and these need to be addressed. It is better this is done with professional third parties. It could be due to some serious issues that she has growing up, like sexual abuse so be mindful of this. Past trauma might be coming out.

                Her outburst are not coming out of the blue, she is probably hearing from other greedy women boasting about things and she is getting triggered and jealous and taking it out on you. You should remind your wife that those women might have it good in some areas and not in others.

                People can change given time and effort however, you face a tough challenge. It is obvious she has no respect for you. To leave the house in a rage and disappear for hours or spend a night alone elsewhere is disgraceful behaviour.

                The comment of "if you don't pay attention to my needs, someone else would" is obvious even to a deaf man. It is a shameful thing to say. You need to establish control of your household and stop being a mouse. She also needs a reality check, women who are 30s are not getting too many offers.

                Get her anger addressed and see where you both stand after that.

                Part of these issues is people marrying much later in life. They bring so much baggage into a marriage.

                We are told to marry young.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Sounds like she's crazy

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    This took me back to my previous marriage....

                    May Allah make it easy... Make lots of dua and think about it very carefully as the kid might be used against you if you divorce.

                    Sadly for some no matter what you do it is never enough.

                    Comment

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