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Woman I wanted to marry engaged to someone else. Just want some support.

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  • Woman I wanted to marry engaged to someone else. Just want some support.

    Just getting stuff offmychest, just to make myself feel better. Tried posting on reddit muslimmarriage subreddit but guess they don't allow new accounts to post.

    Our families have been friends for close to 20 years. A couple years ago I saw their daughter after over a decade. I liked her akhlaq, her deen and felt the attraction. I knew right then I wanted to marry her but at that time I was still studying.

    Fast forward 1.5 years later. Alhamdulillah I graduated and got a good job. I improved myself physically, mentally and religiously as well. Her parents had always kept contact with us and a few months ago they hinted that they were looking to get their daughter married. 1.5 months ago I told my parents that I wanted to marry her and my parents were also happy. We did istikhara and were ready to propose.

    A month ago one of our mutuals friends (she knows both our families) mentioned how the potentials mother told her she was worried about her daughter and to let her know if she knows a good guy. My mom told the mutual friend about our intentions to propose and she was really happy and said to do it asap and she was also hoping it happens as it would be a good match.

    Anyways, my dad talks to her dad last week. Today he calls back saying he was struggling for 1 week on how to tell us that she already got engaged with someone who was a fellow student at her university.

    I just feel upset that he didn't just tell us when my dad called him but waited 1 week, giving us false hope. Also I feel hurt that they didn't wait for us as we had also hinted to them before about getting me and her married as our families had known each other for so long. My mom said that she was probably friends with her classmate for a long time and they only told their parents recently. Nowadays, these types of marriages are very common between classmates so I can't do much about it and it's better she marries someone she likes.

    Qadr of Allah at the end of the day, it was never meant to be. I also realized that after praying Istikhara I just had this weird feeling in the back of my head. I wasn't sure 100% and kept debating whether this marriage would be good for me or not. Inshallah Allah will give a better wife but at the same time I do feel sad and just wanted some advice aka how to copium lol.

  • #2
    Don't worry, it's ok to feel a bit of sadness and it won't be the first
    these things happen when you're looking for a spouse and I agree the dad should have mentioned when your parents were hinting

    You'll get over it soon in Sha Allah

    So many single women around, in Sha Allah you will find the right one
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

    Comment


    • #3
      I agree that she probably knew and liked this classmate far before your family expressed interest. It’s a common scenario.

      Oh well. Give it time, play some Halo, you’ll get over it in shaa Allah.

      Comment


      • #4
        You seem like s good guy with a sensible head on you. Alhamdulillaah. You'll be alright, insha'Allah.

        As the sister said above, it's okay to feel a bit of sadness, but in your du'aa you asked for it to be facilitated if good for you and for it to be averted from you if bad for you, and for Allah Ta'aalaa to give you good from a different avenue.

        May Allah Ta'aalaa help you get over it quickly and grant you what's best for you, brother.
        ​​Your du'aa... Always dear, always needed (Jazaa'akumullah Khair.)

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        • #5
          Jazakallah. You guys have given me good advice. I will remember you all in dua Inshallah. May Allah make it easy for all of us, Ameen.

          Comment


          • #6
            See my previous post if you want context.

            My parents called her family today to congratulate them and her dad seemed very upset/double minded. Kept saying why didn't you guys propose earlier (we waited till I had a job). He said he would have overlooked that because our families know each other for so long and that I was the best prospect for his daughter. He also hinted without saying outright that his daughter is doing love marriage with classmate.

            Looking back it's only by the will of Allah that we didn't propose sooner. She would have said no, her dad would be more upset, we would be upset etc. Now there is no one being upset, my dad kept telling him it's fine and things happen by Qadr of Allah and no point thinking about ifs. Now atleast the friendship will still be there between the families Inshallah.

            I can also see why he is upset because his son did love marriage and got divorced and hasn't married again. I guess he wants the best for his daughter but his daughter didn't agree. Apparently he tried talking about breaking off her engagement as well when we called but guess she didn't budge. And that's a good thing, no way would I marry someone in love with someone else.

            Now my parents will talk to some other relatives and see what comes about. Inshallah there's someone out there for me. A nice practicing muslimah 🥰

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            • #7
              ok.

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              • #8
                I recommend ghost of tsushima instead of halo

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Abu 'Abdullaah View Post
                  ok.
                  You really need to tone it down.
                  You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

                  You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Amuslim123 View Post
                    See my previous post if you want context.

                    My parents called her family today to congratulate them and her dad seemed very upset/double minded. Kept saying why didn't you guys propose earlier (we waited till I had a job). He said he would have overlooked that because our families know each other for so long and that I was the best prospect for his daughter. He also hinted without saying outright that his daughter is doing love marriage with classmate.

                    Looking back it's only by the will of Allah that we didn't propose sooner. She would have said no, her dad would be more upset, we would be upset etc. Now there is no one being upset, my dad kept telling him it's fine and things happen by Qadr of Allah and no point thinking about ifs. Now atleast the friendship will still be there between the families Inshallah.

                    I can also see why he is upset because his son did love marriage and got divorced and hasn't married again. I guess he wants the best for his daughter but his daughter didn't agree. Apparently he tried talking about breaking off her engagement as well when we called but guess she didn't budge. And that's a good thing, no way would I marry someone in love with someone else.

                    Now my parents will talk to some other relatives and see what comes about. Inshallah there's someone out there for me. A nice practicing muslimah 🥰
                    Her dad sounds a bit ignorant and cultured, and it seems he was gonna pressure/force her. That would have been a terrible outcome for both you and her.

                    It's for the best I'd say. Also you don't just have to rely on your parents. If you come across a good girl just talk to her. Nothing to lose.
                    You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

                    You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Linkdeutscher View Post

                      You really need to tone it down.
                      ok.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Abu 'Abdullaah View Post

                        ok.
                        Be a good son.
                        You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

                        You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Linkdeutscher View Post

                          Her dad sounds a bit ignorant and cultured, and it seems he was gonna pressure/force her. That would have been a terrible outcome for both you and her.

                          It's for the best I'd say. Also you don't just have to rely on your parents. If you come across a good girl just talk to her. Nothing to lose.
                          Definitely, that's why I said it's better we proposed late and avoided the bigger fiasco that would have transpired. Alhamdullilah. Even then I would have asked her if she wanted to marry me or was just being forced by her parents. No point marrying someone who doesn't want to.

                          Ya it's tough in the west to just randomly come upon a "good" girl. Plus my personality isn't the type to go up to random women I come across.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Amuslim123 View Post
                            Definitely, that's why I said it's better we proposed late and avoided the bigger fiasco that would have transpired. Alhamdullilah. Even then I would have asked her if she wanted to marry me or was just being forced by her parents. No point marrying someone who doesn't want to.
                            Ya it's tough in the west to just randomly come upon a "good" girl. Plus my personality isn't the type to go up to random women I come across.
                            Don't allow her parents to come running back to you
                            it's pathetic that her dad is saying why you didn't come earlier- so that he could have made a dumb mistake and ruined your life!

                            I would strongly advise you stay out of this families business, don't even hear what the latest update it is with them and their daughter, it's not your business anymore. Your main focus is to move on from her otherwise you will have a problem considering other women.
                            Love marriage, dove marriage, who the heck cares, she made her choices now after getting 'educated', if her dad has a problem with it, well, it's too late, it was his responsibility to let his daughter know what his thoughts were on the man she fell for. He can't pass on the buck to a non mahram's family.
                            People don't like taking responsibility for their own failures.

                            If you see a woman you think is suitable for you and you know for certain she is single, find a way to approach, not alone though. Nothing wrong with approaching a woman for marriage, if you're going to hesitate, then that's your problem brother. Are you 31 for real? I'm around your age and I will approach someone if I'm interested,.

                            If you don't ask, you don't get, it's simple. We have to try and at the same time be realistic, it's unlikely we will find a spouse just like that, we have to learn from our experiences, a reminder for myself.

                            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

                              Don't allow her parents to come running back to you
                              it's pathetic that her dad is saying why you didn't come earlier- so that he could have made a dumb mistake and ruined your life!

                              I would strongly advise you stay out of this families business, don't even hear what the latest update it is with them and their daughter, it's not your business anymore. Your main focus is to move on from her otherwise you will have a problem considering other women.
                              Love marriage, dove marriage, who the heck cares, she made her choices now after getting 'educated', if her dad has a problem with it, well, it's too late, it was his responsibility to let his daughter know what his thoughts were on the man she fell for. He can't pass on the buck to a non mahram's family.
                              People don't like taking responsibility for their own failures.

                              If you see a woman you think is suitable for you and you know for certain she is single, find a way to approach, not alone though. Nothing wrong with approaching a woman for marriage, if you're going to hesitate, then that's your problem brother. Are you 31 for real? I'm around your age and I will approach someone if I'm interested,.

                              If you don't ask, you don't get, it's simple. We have to try and at the same time be realistic, it's unlikely we will find a spouse just like that, we have to learn from our experiences, a reminder for myself.
                              Ya don't worry about me being in their business they live overseas. Plus they won't come back running to us, it's just her dad was upset. Like I said, me and him got along really well when we met so I can see why he feels the way he does. But it's done and my mom already has some relatives in mind who she will contact soon Inshallah.

                              Not sure why my age said 31, I fixed that. I have a habit of putting 1990 as the year wherever I sign up. I changed it to my correct birthdate now, so I am "only" 24.

                              Well I am not really holding out on meeting someone by chance. I'll try more concrete avenues first before that. Allah knows best but I won't sabotage my own chances if something like that happens.

                              You have been in the search process much longer and are older so I can see where you are coming from. Inshallah we are both blessed with righteous spouses.

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