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  • #16
    Originally posted by AbuMubarak View Post
    I have never hired a private investigator, i believe that is crossing the line

    it is one thing to check out a brother, it is quite another to have some kafir spying on him

    even a Muslim investigator, i would not feel comfortable

    if you have that much doubt on the brother, dont marry your daughter to him
    well people check for bankruptcy, dbs background checks for criminal records etc, so is it really that much of a biggie getting a private investigator?

    part of me is like sometimes when you go looking for dirt youll find it,
    people change and worst can become the best so we should also have mercy and compassion,
    but at the same time being mercifull and compassionate could lead to you being taken advantage of

    so my question is where do we draw the line and find the balance?

    essentially as a father you have to let go and thats the hard bit but thats when we realise we are nothing as everything is in Almighty Allah's hands and we have no power or control

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    • #17
      PI sounds so over the top but really if a man comes from another country and/or for whatever reason he doesn't know many people that can back him up, it probably isn't a bad idea. The amount of sisters I know who have married a brother who lives in another country that transpires was a TOTALLY different person to what he says he is is staggering. I don't mean tapping into his phonecalls or hacking into emails or such, but just keeping a bit of an eye on him to establish who he says he is fairly matches up. I heard of one brother who was supposedly very religious, went to mosque and work and then home who failed to mention he had a penchant for visiting prostitutes on his way home from work (and unsurprisingly he didn't go near a mosque).

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      • #18
        Originally posted by UmmAbdullah86 View Post
        PI sounds so over the top but really if a man comes from another country and/or for whatever reason he doesn't know many people that can back him up, it probably isn't a bad idea. The amount of sisters I know who have married a brother who lives in another country that transpires was a TOTALLY different person to what he says he is is staggering. I don't mean tapping into his phonecalls or hacking into emails or such, but just keeping a bit of an eye on him to establish who he says he is fairly matches up. I heard of one brother who was supposedly very religious, went to mosque and work and then home who failed to mention he had a penchant for visiting prostitutes on his way home from work (and unsurprisingly he didn't go near a mosque).
        look im not condoning his behaviour but we've all got skeletons in our closets but some more then others

        its one thinng another thing is people dont want to accept it when someone comes forward with some info about the person,
        its like theyre already convinced its a match made in heaven so i think some people need to be humble to accept it too

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        • #19
          All the muslim bachelors will be reading this will be privatizing their sm accounts from now on. To save themselves,

          It don't really speak volumes abt them to be honest - we can hide our real personas really well. We can only give people benefit of the doubt unless something crosses the line in terms of his whereabouts, decision making etc

          Usually friends would know Allahu Alam

          Maybe ask for recent conversations with friends - then have the dad sit and talk to these friends of his on the phone? (If it sits well with the guy, of course)

          Former roommates from uni, class mates who worked in projects together, who he spends time with on his on off days etc - acquaintances can offer good insight too

          hear each of them describe the person and what he/she is like

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          • #20
            Originally posted by AbuMubarak View Post
            I have never hired a private investigator, i believe that is crossing the line

            it is one thing to check out a brother, it is quite another to have some kafir spying on him

            even a Muslim investigator, i would not feel comfortable

            if you have that much doubt on the brother, dont marry your daughter to him
            I have never hired one too, and I do agree it may potentially be going too far, because spying isn't allowed in Islaam, so I don't know where the line would be drawn.

            However, as someone who has been in a situation where I very nearly married a kaafir pretending to be a Muslim, this is the only reason I now worry a lot but Insha'Allaah it wouldn't come to this.

            The amount of sisters I know whose husbands seemed good religious etc, and then ended up being abusive etc.. is actually very scary

            I know we do research, meet them Istikhaarah etc and that should be enough, Insha'Allaah. For me, I am just scarred/traumatised by my experience, but I would not do such a thing if it is Islamically wrong(obvs would consult a scholar before). Probably wouldn't go that far anyway, as-long as everything else is carried out
            And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record�
            [al-An�aam 6:59]

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            • #21
              Originally posted by Simply_Logical View Post

              why do people only use istikhaarah when it comes to marriage do you know?

              yea after reading your experience it has made me question what exactly i should do when it comes to that time
              I don't know, people can use it for anything they want. You know some scholars do it on a daily basis for the day ahead too. Some only for important things, some for small things too i.e before purchasing an item. It can be done for anything as it's literally guidance from Allaah.

              Yeah I know what you mean, hopefully you, your family and daughters etc would be-able to spot someone like this from a while off. In all honesty, me and my family (especially my parents) are very soft and gentle. But now we've done a 360, so the next person whoever and whenever that is, will be getting grilled, researched, everything, Insha'Allaah

              Also you know the hadith of Umar Ibn Khattaab Radiallaahu Anhu, “You don't really know a person until you live with him, travel with him or do business with him” That got me thinking.. That if I ever get married and have kids (Insha'Allaah), with my daughters potential husband, I would want my husband to probably travel with him for a few days, just the two of them. Because in that environment you can observe a lot about a man and really get to know him. Not sure what you think of that.
              And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record�
              [al-An�aam 6:59]

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              • #22
                There’s never such a thing as going too far when it comes to doing background checks on a potential. We forget that one of the few times we can ‘backbite’ is when we want to give a female relative away to a man in marriage & if anyone knows of his bad habits, they should come forward with the intention of advice (as opposed to spreading mischief)

                the problem these days is that with the internet a person can put on a front. People lie about all sorts and many times, men, especially, can keep up with their lies. So it’s important to exhaust all avenues when a potential steps forward. Ask about him, do your online research, ask people in his hometown about him (if he lives in another city) and do what you can. The gut is also a very very strong thing & you should never ignore it. For women, never trust a man who wants to speak to you without a Wali first. A man can see through another man a lot better than a woman can and often men will want to speak to you alone knowing or rather, hoping, that they can get you before the involvement of the Wali.

                whilst it’s true that in some cases a man may want to speak to your Wali first and turn out to be untrustworthy, the opposite scenario is more often the case
                https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

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                • #23
                  Lol if I found out the father had hired a private investigator I would walk away.

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                  • #24
                    Walaykumus salam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

                    Do basic checks. Don't get too creepy with it. Use common sense.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Why? I mean why are people so against a private investigator. I know it may seem a bit dramatic, but if you have nothing to hide, why would you care? If someone private investigated me i wouldn't be bothered(aslong as it was a female), cos they wouldnt find out anything..they would end up so bored lol. You dont realise how it feels to be in that position until you have had someone try to absolutely fraud you. And quite a few of us sisters on this forum have had divorces or annulments due to guys that turn out really creepy or something is majorly wrong. And I dont mean reasons for divorces like they fall out or dont get on that well etc.

                      I know its Qadr Allaah, you make duaa/istikhaarah, research, meet them etc. But just think..if your daughter nearly ended up marrying a kuffaar pretending to be a Muslim or something as creepy as that..next time she actuallu got married..wouldnt you be extra cautious?! Ofcourse we put our faith in Allaah. But its natural that such things scar and shape ppl, until you are certain that the person is good. Its different if you know the person..their family etc.. i mean theres less risks I think. But if you meet someone online or other avenues like work even, how much do u really know the person?

                      May Allaah protect us from such things. Aameen
                      And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record�
                      [al-An�aam 6:59]

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        I think because most of us are normal, we forget just how creepy/weird some men can actually be. Like to extents we can't even fathom, until we find ourselves in that situation.
                        And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record�
                        [al-An�aam 6:59]

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Simply_Logical View Post

                          look im not condoning his behaviour but we've all got skeletons in our closets but some more then others

                          its one thinng another thing is people dont want to accept it when someone comes forward with some info about the person,
                          its like theyre already convinced its a match made in heaven so i think some people need to be humble to accept it too
                          Skeletons in the closet I would assume is something private and kept at home. A PI would unlikely uncover these issues. A man going to pubs, seeing prostitutes etc to me is much more than a skeleton and definitely needs uncovering.

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                          • #28
                            I remember a story where a private investigator was hired and the man ended up being gay!

                            Idk being isnt spying on another muslim haram? or is it allowed in these circumstances?

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              i kinda agree with Creamcake and Layla_ that surely if youre giving away your daughter why should there be a limit in protecting her?

                              i dont mean someone follow someone and spy but say for example a guy says hes got no criminal record then you find it out through PI via DBS check then surely that could save you a lot of trouble right?

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Originally posted by UmmAbdullah86 View Post

                                Skeletons in the closet I would assume is something private and kept at home. A PI would unlikely uncover these issues. A man going to pubs, seeing prostitutes etc to me is much more than a skeleton and definitely needs uncovering.
                                that is the definition of skeletons in the closet

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