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  • Muhammed_Abdullah
    replied
    Walaykumus salam.

    You are not overthinking. You have a valid concern.

    If he is a real man, he should stop non-essential communications with that lady. This is not right at all.

    Leave a comment:


  • Creamcake
    replied
    Originally posted by clavinora View Post

    Thank you so much sister. It has been going for so long now that I’ve tried all possible means. I pray to Allah this gets resolved eventually inshallah without significant harm to our marriage. Thank you so much again for kind words of advice.
    Youre very welcome. Keep making duaa and trying with him too. Its okay. We are all here for you, may Allaah rectify and bless your marriage. Aameen. Good times for making duaa btw: in sujood when praying, fasting when opening the fast, in tahajjud, after fardth salaah, when it rains, when you have a tear in your eye.

    Leave a comment:


  • clavinora
    replied
    Originally posted by Creamcake View Post
    Firstly sis im not sure how long ago you reverted, but welcome to Islaam :) If you have any questions please feel free to ask. I want to assure you that the way he is behaving is definitely not what Islaam commands(infact the polar opposite, its not okay to have friends of the opposite gender or talk to the opposite gender unless genuine necessity). As everyone has advised, you're definitely not overreacting in the slightest, his behaviour is completely unacceptable in every way. He should not be talking to her or meeting her at all. Talk to him. How would he feel if you had male friends? I dont know if he's one of those guys who is like 'yeah opposite gender friends are fine'(they're haraam and its not okay in the least ofcourse but some ppl are like this) or if he would mind.

    Have you spoken to him about the Islaamic rules in this regard, plus how it makes you feel? Make duaa too and as others said, make it clear to her that y'all are married. I would get so upset and annoyed if my(future)husband were to ever do this cos it is emotional cheating in my eyes. So make duaa, talk to him(when you're calm maybe because it is tempting to get annoyed but sometimes guys can shut off apparently if you go full force though it would be hard not to express fully how you are feeling), let her know to back off too. And an important thing is try to learn deen together and practise upon it and make it a priority in your life cos Islaam is so important. And if he were to understand that, he would know how wrong what he is doing is. Does he pray his 5 salaah and go to the masjid etc?

    Also make it very clear you arent okay with this. Because he knows you know and i dont know if youve been firm. Its you or her..simple. Give him some space/time maybe to realise he misses you and gets his priorities straight and for him to realise hes messed up. Maybe move out to someones house u can trust for a few days to let him understand how serious you are and this isnt a joke!Its not something small, hes talking to another female without need.. But at the same time before u go u do need to remind him how much you love him and what he means to you(maybe write a letter that he can look on when you're gone for a few days). Because he needs to understand A)The islaamic rulings and he is doing haraam B) That YOU are his wife, he has to respect you and sort out his priorities rather than carrying on like this. C) That you love him, you said you feel like you are doing 'wifely duties' make sure you are connecting with your husband as more than that, as someone he can trust and talk to openly, someone he can laugh with and be himself around, someone that helps him grow in deen(as helps you too), a wife, a friend, someone he emotionally and physically connects too. Do hobbies together at home and inside make sure you're spending quality time together. Show him how much he means to you(and ofc he should reciprocate). You're a team, marriage is no joke. Always make duaa too for Allaah to bless your marriage and protect it from evil and allow both ur eyes and hearts to only be for one another. D) That you are serious about this and that there will be consequences.

    Ofcourse he can have male friends but not female friends.
    Thank you so much sister. It has been going for so long now that I’ve tried all possible means. I pray to Allah this gets resolved eventually inshallah without significant harm to our marriage. Thank you so much again for kind words of advice.

    Leave a comment:


  • Creamcake
    replied
    Firstly sis im not sure how long ago you reverted, but welcome to Islaam :) If you have any questions please feel free to ask. I want to assure you that the way he is behaving is definitely not what Islaam commands(infact the polar opposite, its not okay to have friends of the opposite gender or talk to the opposite gender unless genuine necessity). As everyone has advised, you're definitely not overreacting in the slightest, his behaviour is completely unacceptable in every way. He should not be talking to her or meeting her at all. Talk to him. How would he feel if you had male friends? I dont know if he's one of those guys who is like 'yeah opposite gender friends are fine'(they're haraam and its not okay in the least ofcourse but some ppl are like this) or if he would mind.

    Have you spoken to him about the Islaamic rules in this regard, plus how it makes you feel? Make duaa too and as others said, make it clear to her that y'all are married. I would get so upset and annoyed if my(future)husband were to ever do this cos it is emotional cheating in my eyes. So make duaa, talk to him(when you're calm maybe because it is tempting to get annoyed but sometimes guys can shut off apparently if you go full force though it would be hard not to express fully how you are feeling), let her know to back off too. And an important thing is try to learn deen together and practise upon it and make it a priority in your life cos Islaam is so important. And if he were to understand that, he would know how wrong what he is doing is. Does he pray his 5 salaah and go to the masjid etc?

    Also make it very clear you arent okay with this. Because he knows you know and i dont know if youve been firm. Its you or her..simple. Give him some space/time maybe to realise he misses you and gets his priorities straight and for him to realise hes messed up. Maybe move out to someones house u can trust for a few days to let him understand how serious you are and this isnt a joke!Its not something small, hes talking to another female without need.. But at the same time before u go u do need to remind him how much you love him and what he means to you(maybe write a letter that he can look on when you're gone for a few days). Because he needs to understand A)The islaamic rulings and he is doing haraam B) That YOU are his wife, he has to respect you and sort out his priorities rather than carrying on like this. C) That you love him, you said you feel like you are doing 'wifely duties' make sure you are connecting with your husband as more than that, as someone he can trust and talk to openly, someone he can laugh with and be himself around, someone that helps him grow in deen(as helps you too), a wife, a friend, someone he emotionally and physically connects too. Do hobbies together at home and inside make sure you're spending quality time together. Show him how much he means to you(and ofc he should reciprocate). You're a team, marriage is no joke. Always make duaa too for Allaah to bless your marriage and protect it from evil and allow both ur eyes and hearts to only be for one another. D) That you are serious about this and that there will be consequences.

    Ofcourse he can have male friends but not female friends.
    Last edited by Creamcake; 13-06-21, 06:42 AM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Aishah11
    replied
    Originally posted by clavinora View Post

    Thank you so much for kind words dear sister. Most importantly at this stage I needed to finally stop blaming myself for overthinking. May Allah have mercy on you for supporting me
    Thank you my dear sister and alhamdulillah, it sounds like you have found a good place to start. I agree that you should not be blaming yourself for any of this.
    May Allah Ta'ala have mercy on you, reward you for your patience and ease all your affairs for you.

    Leave a comment:


  • clavinora
    replied
    Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
    Your husband is unlikely to stop this behaviour as he's having his cake and eating it too. It's time for you to take action.

    You've checked your husband's phone, so, you know this other woman's number.

    Contact her directly and tell her that your husband is a married man now & you'd appreciate if she backs off a bit. Tell her that their "friendship" is interfering in your marriage.

    A hint is enough for a wise person.
    I can see it coming :)

    Leave a comment:


  • clavinora
    replied
    Originally posted by notEVOLVED View Post
    Why doesn't he tell her he is married? What's his reason for not telling her?
    We’re in process of obtaining legal marriage. Already married islamically, ofc.

    Leave a comment:


  • ~TwinklingStar~
    replied
    Your husband is unlikely to stop this behaviour as he's having his cake and eating it too. It's time for you to take action.

    You've checked your husband's phone, so, you know this other woman's number.

    Contact her directly and tell her that your husband is a married man now & you'd appreciate if she backs off a bit. Tell her that their "friendship" is interfering in your marriage.

    A hint is enough for a wise person.

    Leave a comment:


  • notEVOLVED
    replied
    Why doesn't he tell her he is married? What's his reason for not telling her?

    Leave a comment:


  • clavinora
    replied
    Originally posted by Aishah11 View Post
    Wa alaikum as-salam wa rahmatullah dear sister. You have already recieved some very good replies and I agree that this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. I'm so sorry to read about your situation, I will remember you in my prayers in shaa Allah. It seems that you have done everything in your power to change the situation already so my humble advice would be to involve someone who can talk to your husband on your behalf, preferably the Imam at your nearest mosque or someone else who is trustworthy and knowledgable in the religion. This would in shaa Allah be a way for you to stand your ground and protect the marriage without having to exhaust yourself further. May Allah Ta'ala help you, protect you and give you the best in this world and the next.
    Thank you so much for kind words dear sister. Most importantly at this stage I needed to finally stop blaming myself for overthinking. May Allah have mercy on you for supporting me

    Leave a comment:


  • Aishah11
    replied
    Wa alaikum as-salam wa rahmatullah dear sister. You have already recieved some very good replies and I agree that this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. I'm so sorry to read about your situation, I will remember you in my prayers in shaa Allah. It seems that you have done everything in your power to change the situation already so my humble advice would be to involve someone who can talk to your husband on your behalf, preferably the Imam at your nearest mosque or someone else who is trustworthy and knowledgable in the religion. This would in shaa Allah be a way for you to stand your ground and protect the marriage without having to exhaust yourself further. May Allah Ta'ala help you, protect you and give you the best in this world and the next.

    Leave a comment:


  • Abu julaybeeb
    replied
    Originally posted by clavinora View Post

    No, of course not. Alhamdulillah. I would have divorced right away.
    I suspect they go for walks, have coffee together, stay in uni rooms. Let’s call it public places. I don’t want to claim they ever stayed one to one, I don’t know that. But even public places if unacceptable for me. I don’t do that with men, whether they’re colleagues, coursemates, etc.
    go for walks, have coffee together, stay in uni rooms. Let’s call it public places

    thats for spouses or friends of the same gender

    muslims should not be friends with opposite gender

    Leave a comment:


  • clavinora
    replied
    Originally posted by Flawed View Post

    They say emotional cheating is the worse kind of cheating so your hearts gets attached to the other person. He may as well marry her instead of being attached to her.
    I’m only glad I found people who agree with me. That’s why I eventually decided to bring up the issue in this forum. At least I don’t feel guilty for being jealous anymore.

    Leave a comment:


  • Flawed
    replied
    Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

    That’s what’s usually called “emotional cheating”. It’s not adultery but it’s still really bad.
    They say emotional cheating is the worse kind of cheating so your hearts gets attached to the other person. He may as well marry her instead of being attached to her.

    Leave a comment:


  • clavinora
    replied
    Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

    That’s what’s usually called “emotional cheating”. It’s not adultery but it’s still really bad.
    100%.
    Had it been adultery, at least I would have had a valid excuse to leave. This here is just a never-ending suffering. Cheating is not always sexual or physical intercourse unfortunately.

    Leave a comment:

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