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In need of Islamic advice

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  • In need of Islamic advice

    Salam aleikum brothers and sisters,

    I am a revert, and even though I do a lot of research and learning daily, there are still certain things I need help with. I have a question regarding marriage issues:
    1) my husband keeps in touch with his university colleague, who is much older than him. She is unaware of me, and thinks he is single. I asked him to tell her about me, as I hoped she might feel shy spending time with a married man then.
    My husband swears there’s nothing between them, but I caught him many times calling/ messaging her (and lying to me it’s someone else). The nature of their communication is claimed to be friendly, but it’s excessive and harms our relationship. I asked him millions of times to limit WhatsApp communication, yet he still spends more time with her than with me. She cooked food for him in Ramadan (which he also lied is from a male friend), they have travelled together to another town for a day off, they message each other daily. It’s too much, it’s not normal. I admit guilt of having checked his phone, and I didn’t find any romantic messages, but, as I said, I can’t accept my husband having such close female friend. I am constantly jealous and comparing myself with her. Am I overthinking?

    Many thanks!

  • #2
    Waalaykumassalam

    No you are not overthinking. This type of behavior is unacceptable and very disrespectful.

    Comment


    • #3
      You're not overthinking sister. This would upset any sane wife. Ask him how would he like it if you was doing the same thing behind his back? He wouldn't like it. And tell him that when they both go out you want to be there as well.

      Comment


      • #4
        Did you marry him after reverting? Or he was already your husband?

        Lots of revert sisters are taken advantage of like that.

        And it's haraam for him to interact with a non-mahram (travelling with her for a "day off", seriously?) like that, doesn't matter if it's a "Ramadan" meal or if she is older or if she is a close friend or if she is a university "colleague".

        In fact, I would say you're "underthinking" and downplaying the situation.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by notEVOLVED View Post
          Did you marry him after reverting? Or he was already your husband?

          Lots of revert sisters are taken advantage of like that.

          And it's haraam for him to interact with a non-mahram (travelling with her for a "day off", seriously?) like that, doesn't matter if it's a "Ramadan" meal or if she is older or if she is a close friend or if she is a university "colleague".

          In fact, I would say you're "underthinking" and downplaying the situation.
          We got married first and then I took my shahadah.
          I know this is very wrong. Tbh, it’s wrong to extent that I’m starting to think she’s done magic on him, as this attraction is not normal.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by clavinora View Post

            We got married first and then I took my shahadah.
            I know this is very wrong. Tbh, it’s wrong to extent that I’m starting to think she’s done magic on him, as this attraction is not normal.
            Whats her ethnicity? Is she white as well? What ethnicity is your husband?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Flawed View Post

              Whats her ethnicity? Is she white as well? What ethnicity is your husband?
              She’s same ethnicity with him (but different countries). I would’ve found ways to handle a white woman. I should add, however, she’s from an Islamic country in which men and women mix “freely”. Doesn’t change the fact she’s a Muslim and should know what she’s doing, regardless of him being single or not.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by clavinora View Post

                She’s same ethnicity with him (but different countries). I would’ve found ways to handle a white woman. I should add, however, she’s from an Islamic country in which men and women mix “freely”. Doesn’t change the fact she’s a Muslim and should know what she’s doing, regardless of him being single or not.
                Doesnt matter if she is a Muslim or not. Not every Muslim is practising so its not really about she should know better, in your case she doesn't even know he is married so your husand should know better and not to mix with other women like that especially going to random locations with them for a day. The problem is your husband. Does he want another wife or is he helping her with sth

                Comment


                • #9
                  if that was my wife going out with another man id divorce her

                  these kind of relationships lead to fornication
                  tell him to end it now its haram and majorly sinful

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
                    if that was my wife going out with another man id divorce her

                    these kind of relationships lead to fornication
                    tell him to end it now its haram and majorly sinful
                    Ikr. Where is he going with her when be goes out with her for a day? Hotel?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Flawed View Post

                      Doesnt matter if she is a Muslim or not. Not every Muslim is practising so its not really about she should know better, in your case she doesn't even know he is married so your husand should know better and not to mix with other women like that especially going to random locations with them for a day. The problem is your husband. Does he want another wife or is he helping her with sth
                      No, I doubt he ever viewed her as a potential wife. It’s him, who needs her help with studies, etc. BUT there’s a limit to communication when one needs academic support.
                      They talk about everything - I mean it’s almost as if I’m there doing wife duties and she’s there for entertainment, gossip, etc. He even said once that when he has issues with me (arguments because of her, ofc), she’s his first point of contact as he enjoys talking to her.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Flawed View Post

                        Ikr. Where is he going with her when be goes out with her for a day? Hotel?
                        No, of course not. Alhamdulillah. I would have divorced right away.
                        I suspect they go for walks, have coffee together, stay in uni rooms. Let’s call it public places. I don’t want to claim they ever stayed one to one, I don’t know that. But even public places if unacceptable for me. I don’t do that with men, whether they’re colleagues, coursemates, etc.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by clavinora View Post

                          No, I doubt he ever viewed her as a potential wife. It’s him, who needs her help with studies, etc. BUT there’s a limit to communication when one needs academic support.
                          They talk about everything - I mean it’s almost as if I’m there doing wife duties and she’s there for entertainment, gossip, etc. He even said once that when he has issues with me (arguments because of her, ofc), she’s his first point of contact as he enjoys talking to her.
                          He enjoys talking to another woman whilst he has a wife....

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by clavinora View Post

                            No, I doubt he ever viewed her as a potential wife. It’s him, who needs her help with studies, etc. BUT there’s a limit to communication when one needs academic support.
                            They talk about everything - I mean it’s almost as if I’m there doing wife duties and she’s there for entertainment, gossip, etc. He even said once that when he has issues with me (arguments because of her, ofc), she’s his first point of contact as he enjoys talking to her.
                            That’s what’s usually called “emotional cheating”. It’s not adultery but it’s still really bad.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

                              That’s what’s usually called “emotional cheating”. It’s not adultery but it’s still really bad.
                              100%.
                              Had it been adultery, at least I would have had a valid excuse to leave. This here is just a never-ending suffering. Cheating is not always sexual or physical intercourse unfortunately.

                              Comment

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