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Is this behaviour normal? How should i react?

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  • Is this behaviour normal? How should i react?

    I am using these muslim matrimonial apps because i am a convert and i dont live in a muslim community or muslim country so i cant search in real life.I met this girl there which we fit a lot and first we talked with one text per day but with very very long texts.Talking about religion,what we want in a partner,what we expect in marriage etc.After so many years of searching i finally found someone who matches with me 100% in everything and would make me happy.I told her this,she said its the same for her.So i left the apps,i focused only one her and told other whom i had matched that i found smn and wish you good luck and all and i asked the girl to meet her father/brother and do things halal.She said okay so we planned to meet next month.

    All good till now but she talks very rarely.She replied with a short message everyday and now has started replying every two days,saying she was busy but she clearly sees that i have sent a msg.When i confronted her about it saying i feel as if she has lost interest or met smn else and like we are not the same page anymore she said its not true she is interested only in me and if we plan to spend our future together then we will have plenty of time to talk so she doesnt see why is it a big problem that we dont talk.
    I dont get this mindset tbh.If you are interested in smn arent you supposed to love interacting with them especially if they gonna be your spouse?

    I am so scared to walk away because its so hard to find someone who matches with me so much,and because since we are going to meet next month and from what she said that she wants to marry me and i tick everything she wants in a man etc i had the feeling i would really marry her and started to have feelings.I was so happy.Now i am so sad i dont know how to react?

    What should i do? I have done istikhara but i dont know what it is telling me thats why i came here to take your advice.

  • #2
    Have you thought about the fact that she wants to start the marriage with lots of blessings InshaaAllaah, and we shouldn't actually be freely talking like this to someone before we're married. I know a lot of us fall into it, under the guise of getting to know someone, but there's only so much you can know about someone before you marry them. Which is why you have the meetings to determine compatibility - religion, character, personality attraction and whatever is important to you, make Istikhaarah and you can research too.

    I think you may be overthinking and perhaps she just wants to do things the fully halaal way? Because surely she wouldn't agree to meet with her brother and dad, if she wasn't serious. If they can meet sooner, that would be great. Because its so hard to know if you're actually compatible with someone, unless you've met them in real life.

    Regarding Istikhaarah, there is no limit brother on how many times you do it. Keep doing it until you feel a certain way. Also its not just about feelings, sometimes if its good for you, Allaah will facilitate an easy way, and if its not good for you, then there may be barriers. Try to go into it with an open mind though cos its for when you are undecided and seeking Allaahs guidance. If you've already made up your mind, naturally that may influence your feelings.

    Its hard to know what's going on in someone elses life for us.. whether shes busy.. wanting to keep things halaal.. or whether she has met hesitance from her family.. feeling nervous about marriage etc. Since you both seem to be happy with one another, I would just advise not to text her unless you can join a groupchat with her family perhaps, make duaa and istikhaarah. Ask Allaah to guide you. And try not to delay the meeting, to see her and her family. See how things go. InshaaAllaah everything works out for you, in the best way that God has willed.

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    • #3
      If I were you I would stop texting her altogether and just focus on meeting her and her family in person.

      Comment


      • #4
        I can attest it is normal. I spoke to a guy I liked once many years ago and he was the same, keep texting daily. I was flattered but also found it a little annoying. Like I like you but exactly how much can two people say to each other every single day? Some people just aren't big on talking even if they really like someone. And she CAN be busy. She does have a life of her own. In my opinion love isn't solely built from talking but also being around each other. You aren't married yet, the love will blossom when you finally live marry and live together. Don't read too much into her not replying every day. So long as she still wants you to meet her family thats all that matters.

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        • #5
          Just wait for the meeting and take things from there. If she is not interested she will let you know.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Creamcake View Post
            Have you thought about the fact that she wants to start the marriage with lots of blessings InshaaAllaah, and we shouldn't actually be freely talking like this to someone before we're married. I know a lot of us fall into it, under the guise of getting to know someone, but there's only so much you can know about someone before you marry them. Which is why you have the meetings to determine compatibility - religion, character, personality attraction and whatever is important to you, make Istikhaarah and you can research too.

            I think you may be overthinking and perhaps she just wants to do things the fully halaal way? Because surely she wouldn't agree to meet with her brother and dad, if she wasn't serious. If they can meet sooner, that would be great. Because its so hard to know if you're actually compatible with someone, unless you've met them in real life.

            Regarding Istikhaarah, there is no limit brother on how many times you do it. Keep doing it until you feel a certain way. Also its not just about feelings, sometimes if its good for you, Allaah will facilitate an easy way, and if its not good for you, then there may be barriers. Try to go into it with an open mind though cos its for when you are undecided and seeking Allaahs guidance. If you've already made up your mind, naturally that may influence your feelings.

            Its hard to know what's going on in someone elses life for us.. whether shes busy.. wanting to keep things halaal.. or whether she has met hesitance from her family.. feeling nervous about marriage etc. Since you both seem to be happy with one another, I would just advise not to text her unless you can join a groupchat with her family perhaps, make duaa and istikhaarah. Ask Allaah to guide you. And try not to delay the meeting, to see her and her family. See how things go. InshaaAllaah everything works out for you, in the best way that God has willed.
            Hi sis thanks for the reply. Jzk khair. If that was the case i would be more than happy to stop talking and only talk again when we meet. The only reason i want to stop everyday now is because i see the way she is becoming so distant and i dont feel that she feels the same. I feel like i am wasting time and having false hopes for the meeting. Meeting her would cost me a lot of money and effort because of quarantine and all i have to go in another country and pay a lot etc. I dont mind that ofc im a serious muslim guy but i wouldnt wanna do that just to meet smh who isnt interrsted at all you know? It would hurt me a lot.
            so idk i think the way she replies so late is istikhara telling me to stop this but then i also think that she seems very religious and doesnt lie then why she says you are the kind of guy i wanna marry id love this to work etc... Pff so much confusion is making me crazy lol idk what to think...

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
              If I were you I would stop texting her altogether and just focus on meeting her and her family in person.
              Should i tell her like this? And if it puts her off then she wasnt good for me right?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Hoblos View Post
                I can attest it is normal. I spoke to a guy I liked once many years ago and he was the same, keep texting daily. I was flattered but also found it a little annoying. Like I like you but exactly how much can two people say to each other every single day? Some people just aren't big on talking even if they really like someone. And she CAN be busy. She does have a life of her own. In my opinion love isn't solely built from talking but also being around each other. You aren't married yet, the love will blossom when you finally live marry and live together. Don't read too much into her not replying every day. So long as she still wants you to meet her family thats all that matters.
                How much? Well if you just knew each other you gotta talk more than 1 short msg in 2 days i guess 😅... Not trying to say you are wrong its just.. I just dont get it.. Id love to talk more to smn i am knowing so i can know more about them

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Predatorian View Post

                  Should i tell her like this? And if it puts her off then she wasnt good for me right?
                  Yeah, just say that you would rather minimize one on one contact with her until you meet her for real.

                  You should not be giving her too much attention like that anyway, especially if she isn’t reciprocating. She’s not your wife. Just meet her and see how it goes.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Predatorian View Post
                    Hi sis thanks for the reply. Jzk khair. If that was the case i would be more than happy to stop talking and only talk again when we meet. The only reason i want to stop everyday now is because i see the way she is becoming so distant and i dont feel that she feels the same. I feel like i am wasting time and having false hopes for the meeting. Meeting her would cost me a lot of money and effort because of quarantine and all i have to go in another country and pay a lot etc. I dont mind that ofc im a serious muslim guy but i wouldnt wanna do that just to meet smh who isnt interrsted at all you know? It would hurt me a lot.
                    so idk i think the way she replies so late is istikhara telling me to stop this but then i also think that she seems very religious and doesnt lie then why she says you are the kind of guy i wanna marry id love this to work etc... Pff so much confusion is making me crazy lol idk what to think...
                    I see. Will that makes things more complicated. I would not want to spend that much money, time, and effort either if I felt the person was not interested. Would you be able to talk to her family over zoom or phone just to make sure she is actually serious, and then maybe you guys can arrange the meeting. I would not go flying to a different country to have a meeting before I spoke to her family.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by LaylaAb View Post

                      I see. Will that makes things more complicated. I would not want to spend that much money, time, and effort either if I felt the person was not interested. Would you be able to talk to her family over zoom or phone just to make sure she is actually serious, and then maybe you guys can arrange the meeting. I would not go flying to a different country to have a meeting before I spoke to her family.
                      I see.I am up for everything as i said i am serious about it and i also make duaa to Allah to tell me what should i do cuz He knows im not playing around.But i never proposed to anyone nor did i meet anyone lol i only have chance to try online and in 4 years of searching i would found this one to be really like i wanted so i can get easily tricked 😂... Well lets see if she replies lol if we talk again i will tell her if i can talk to her brother.If she says not now its early is that a red flag?
                      Last edited by Predatorian; 4 days ago. Reason: Autocorrect

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                      • #12
                        I didn’t realize she was in a different country when I wrote my reply. That actually changes things a bit.

                        I would be very wary if I were you. I wouldn’t fly overseas unless I was 100% certain.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Sorry to burst your bubble, but a lot of Muslim girls like to form friendships online & talk with strangers out of boredom just for time pass. They have an innate need to vent their feelings & share their dreams, so, it's exciting for them to find an outlet for the same. When a man (a Muslim convert...how exotic) showers her with attention & affection, she feigns fake interest too to keep it going for as long as possible when in reality, most Muslim families do not allow their daughters to marry outside their ethnicity, let alone a stranger in another country.

                          As you're quite far, she probably just sees it as harmless chit-chatting with you.

                          When you said you were serious, she backed off, she probably doesn't want to expose she was playing all along or make you feel bad, so, she says she's interested as well.

                          Always ask for contact details of her father/brother & contact them directly if you want to arrange a meeting with a potential.

                          It would be better if you find someone locally, so you don't have to waste precious time & energy on a wild goose chase .

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
                            Sorry to burst your bubble, but a lot of Muslim girls like to form friendships online & talk with strangers out of boredom just for time pass. They have an innate need to vent their feelings & share their dreams, so, it's exciting for them to find an outlet for the same. When a man (a Muslim convert...how exotic) showers her with attention & affection, she feigns fake interest too to keep it going for as long as possible when in reality, most Muslim families do not allow their daughters to marry outside their ethnicity, let alone a stranger in another country.

                            As you're quite far, she probably just sees it as harmless chit-chatting with you.

                            When you said you were serious, she backed off, she probably doesn't want to expose she was playing all along or make you feel bad, so, she says she's interested as well.

                            Always ask for contact details of her father/brother & contact them directly if you want to arrange a meeting with a potential.

                            It would be better if you find someone locally, so you don't have to waste precious time & energy on a wild goose chase .
                            Jzk khair for the reply. That is very true yeah. But i am not too far from her, only 2 hours away.If there was no corona i would have gone tmrw lol. But with corona i need hotel quarantene and tests and unpaid leave its a big thing thats why i want to be very sure.

                            i am becoming very annoying saying this many times but i have to because in all my posts nobody pays intention lol. I cant find locally or back home because my family isnt muslim and i dont live in a muslim community.I have muslim friends yeah but they are refugees and they dont know anyone nor do they have sisters.Thats why i look online, otherwise i wouldnt.

                            I guess based on your reply and what others replied too i guess i have to ask her brothers contact and only talk to him. If she doesnt want then yeah, i was being played at.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                              I didn’t realize she was in a different country when I wrote my reply. That actually changes things a bit.

                              I would be very wary if I were you. I wouldn’t fly overseas unless I was 100% certain.
                              No your reply was great. Its not overseas its right next to me lol 2 hours way flight but this damn corona has ruined everything. I already have to fly this month somewhere else and do quarantine so thats why the closest date to meat her is next month.

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