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The Mahr talk

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  • The Mahr talk

    Salam,

    I highly recommend this talk especially for sisters before they get married.

    (contains video of women but they are covered)

    Your Mahr, Your Right // Season 3 Episode 3 | Honest Tea Talk - YouTube
    The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

  • #2
    i dont have time to watch it and maybe they already said it in the video but if the woman asks for a mahr high enough to put you in difficulty just run away.We live in times where there is social help and in case of divorce she would get more share than you and you also would have to take care of her for 3 months so a difference of a few thousand euros wont make any difference in her life in case of divore.Idk how a woman would truly love you and be faithful if she doesnt care how long you had to work and save for her mahr.And if she thinks a high mahr shows she has more value than she has no value at all because the whole money of this world would not be even close to the value of a good muslim girl.Just saying.I know nobody cares :D

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Predatorian View Post
      i dont have time to watch it and maybe they already said it in the video but if the woman asks for a mahr high enough to put you in difficulty just run away.We live in times where there is social help and in case of divorce she would get more share than you and you also would have to take care of her for 3 months so a difference of a few thousand euros wont make any difference in her life in case of divore.Idk how a woman would truly love you and be faithful if she doesnt care how long you had to work and save for her mahr.And if she thinks a high mahr shows she has more value than she has no value at all because the whole money of this world would not be even close to the value of a good muslim girl.Just saying.I know nobody cares :D
      I know a brother who recently received a proposal from a girl through his Ustadh, and the marriage talk progressed fine until her mother asked him a very high Mahr, and he just stopped it at that point. Didn't even negotiate (he said he was ready if they asked 1/10th of that). He was like if they ask a Mahr that high then you know that they're way out of your league. Apparently, her mother said that's the amount that they had set for their other daughters.

      ​​​​​​I personally don't have an issue with woman asking a high Mahr. It's her right. But what happens in many places is that the money goes to the parents of the woman instead of the woman. It's supposed to be the woman's money not the parent's. The girl in the above case actually told one of the brother's friends that she didn't care about a high Mahr, so her parents were probably the ones interested in her Mahr.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by notEVOLVED View Post

        I know a brother who recently received a proposal from a girl through his Ustadh, and the marriage talk progressed fine until her mother asked him a very high Mahr, and he just stopped it at that point. Didn't even negotiate (he said he was ready if they asked 1/10th of that). He was like if they ask a Mahr that high then you know that they're way out of your league. Apparently, her mother said that's the amount that they had set for their other daughters.

        ​​​​​​I personally don't have an issue with woman asking a high Mahr. It's her right. But what happens in many places is that the money goes to the parents of the woman instead of the woman. It's supposed to be the woman's money not the parent's. The girl in the above case actually told one of the brother's friends that she didn't care about a high Mahr, so her parents were probably the ones interested in her Mahr.
        How high is high?

        Comment


        • #5
          If he expects me to live with him and his family and be a stay at home housewife making his rotis every day then I'm demanding a sky high mahr because thats the only way I'm agreeing to any of that.

          If he agrees to me working and us getting a house together and living that independent married life then I will ask for something small and affordable.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by notEVOLVED View Post

            I know a brother who recently received a proposal from a girl through his Ustadh, and the marriage talk progressed fine until her mother asked him a very high Mahr, and he just stopped it at that point. Didn't even negotiate (he said he was ready if they asked 1/10th of that). He was like if they ask a Mahr that high then you know that they're way out of your league. Apparently, her mother said that's the amount that they had set for their other daughters.

            ​​​​​​I personally don't have an issue with woman asking a high Mahr. It's her right. But what happens in many places is that the money goes to the parents of the woman instead of the woman. It's supposed to be the woman's money not the parent's. The girl in the above case actually told one of the brother's friends that she didn't care about a high Mahr, so her parents were probably the ones interested in her Mahr.
            If a woman is ready to marry because she is likes your deen and character and the only thing making her reject marriage is mahr then this woman is def not worth it.
            we know the stories of the sahaba when you cant afford a big mahr you give as much as you can afford, but nobody cares about real islam anymore its all about culture.
            I dont mind giving a high mahr but id give it because i feel like it and wanna make her happy, if she pressures me about it then ciao

            Comment


            • #7
              Too high.

              Comment


              • #8
                Whilst demanding extortionate mahr is wrong, being a cheapskate is wrong as well. There are women out there (particularly new reverts) who are told mahr is just a "formality" and to ask for a mahr of a penny or a pound. Then they are dumped within a week and he moves on to his next prey. This is one of the reasons why some cultures demand high mahr- it is so that the husband thinks twice before considering leaving his wife on a whim because they know too many men who do this. Yes it comes from a place of lack of trust because so many men out there have proven untrustworthy and used and abused women through this. It's far from ideal and saying this is not to negate the fact that yes there are women who marry for a very small mahr to a good pious man and it all works out very well so I'm not saying that asking for a small mahr is inherently wrong either. I'm saying that there are also genuine and valid reasons as to why many women ask for a lot more and they are entitled to ask for that. Bear in mind Umar (ra) was corrected on the fact that it's not his place to set limits on how much mahr a woman can ask for- then who are the rest of us to say otherwise?

                Women should not be guilt tripped about asking for a reasonable mahr within her fiance/husband's means. Women should be reminded and advised if the husband is of modest means to not make unrealistic demands- but if he can afford a £15,000 car, he can afford a £10,000 mahr and that's not being greedy.

                Another good yardstick I'd suggest is that when my dad was getting married, his in laws said they'd ask for the same amount of mahr that his family wanted for his sister's wedding. I think that's fair (although partly depends on the financial status of both families).

                Originally posted by nudgetheputri1 View Post

                How high is high?
                I think it depends on what the guy earns. If he barely scrapes by month to month then asking for £500 would be extortionate for him but if he's someone who can afford a place of his own and a luxury car then asking for £10,000 wouldn't be too much.

                I've often said I'd ask for 3 months of his wages as mahr- that way it's not a set number but it's in accordance with his means. Of course if he's more hand to mouth (ie almost all the wage goes on getting by month to month) then I'd have to think of something else but other than that, I think this is fair and most of the brothers on here cry about it saying it's too much. Besides, I'd want a modest wedding and most guys spend far more than £7000 on a wedding.

                People have their priorities wrong: it's a far better investment to put money towards your own accommodation and mahr than it is to splash out thousands on a wedding dress and thousands more on the wedding day.
                The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                Comment


                • #9
                  burger and chips

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Honestly if I was happy with someone enough to marry them, then I wouldn't be bothered about the amount of mahr. And again maybe this links into naivety of thinking. He can give a little amount.. a big amount.. It really doesnt matter. Especially if he's poor. because at the end of the day.. its just money. It does matter that after marriage he understands that its part of his duty to provide(within his means) aslong as he is able to,InshaaAllaah. Maybe if someone was unwilling to give, it may worry me that they would withhold after marriage too? Hmm not sure.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      if he barely scrapes by let's be honest not too many are knocking on his door

                      I don't care who she is, I would not go above £2k this is enough to get some accommodation if the marriage did not work out

                      I also won't be sharing my income details with her, that's none of her business

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        2k will cover 1.5 months of rent for a shed in my city

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Faith reloaded 2 View Post
                          2k will cover 1.5 months of rent for a shed in my city
                          part of that could be used to travel to another city and find somewhere to live

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            My friend went to a wedding where the mahr was 2k. But the cost of transporting many guests to the wedding was 3k. Wonder how much everything else was.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by RuthlessSoftie View Post
                              My friend went to a wedding where the mahr was 2k. But the cost of transporting many guests to the wedding was 3k. Wonder how much everything else was.
                              My brother had to buy his wife a 3k ring. Looool what a rip off

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