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  • #31
    Originally posted by Creamcake View Post
    Infact if you dont work i find anything finance related a bit awkward, because ive never really had to rely on other people and i would hate to feel like a burden or for someone to secretly feel that they mind giving you money or think 'what is she spending it on.' Cos even if you're literally using it to buy things like makeup/perfume to look nice at home for your spouse, then they still might think that. Its one reason im worried cos not everyone wants to work and after kids too, and imagine your spouse making u feel like that. If you are open and close im sure it wouldnt be awks and he would trust u to spend and not mind at all without telling him(cos it literally makes you feel like a child otherwise). And im referring to normal stuff not splashing out on designer goods or spending beyond ones mean. Cos if ones husband is poor then thats completely different ofcourse. Idk its one of those topics. I would hope that we can be completely open about finances and treat me like an adult lol. Because i would happily manage his finances and help him if he was happy for me to. And obvs i would spend anything i had and work if we fell on hard times, i know things unexpected crop up in life at times. I just feel its awful when its like 'this is my money' and you feel like someone is viewing you as materialistic/after their money, and they dont even want to provide(not that they can't afford thats v different) but just don't want to.
    These money issues should be discussed during the marriage meetings, because when they turn into problem they don't really go away. All that discomfort and awkwardness may not create the most pleasant conversations, but if you are going to be living together and surviving day to day one day, won't this money giving/taking crop up? What you are referring to is a term called "nafkah". Or allowance for the unmarried girl/ married woman.

    Ideally, to be as self-reliant as possible is the best way to go for Muslim women nowadays, or even start a home-based business to go a stretch further. But this depends.

    I've heard horror stories where the man and woman discussed nafkah to be given to the woman, but only after the nikah is done, the husband didn't fulfil that promise, leaving the bride to fend for herself and work.

    Sent from my vivo 1819 using Tapatalk

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    • #32
      is also worth noting how much you normally spend before marriage and how this will fall into nafkah. I'm not sure if it's a little strange to share the amount on average you spend with your potential but if you guys are discussing finances and he's on the tighter side (for whatever reason), maybe this could be brought up.

      I know it is kinda weird but if he's either frugal or the calculative type and wants to know your lifestyle spending habits before getting married, sharing this part could be useful. Just a thought. I'm not sure if that would be helpful for him to know, before he finds out that you really do spend a lotta money every month. Do our spending habits change after getting married/divorce etc?

      We live in difficult times now with covid, so I'm just throwing a suggestion out here.

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      • #33
        Keep it simple ladies, you lot are over thinking it way too much now.

        Rule of thumb, try to be fair with your requests. If my own sister or anyone that I care about came to me, I'd say ask for gold, an amount that is within the man's means and doesn't put him in hardship.

        Read about mahr. Read about gold and how it has played a role throughout history. This is not to say gold is the correct answer and the only thing you should ask for. Think of something worthwhile. You can later sell the gold for your children to receive Islamic education. It really depends, gold is an investment if it put into good use afterwards.

        Mahr should not make you feel awkward, ashamed or guilty, it's religious so anything religious even polygyny, we should respect it. It should remind you that Allah swt has given you this gift, Allah has made the woman special and a whole chapter is dedicated to us along with mahr.
        Nothing to do with being miss independent, get that out of your head, men are being made redundant, their roles are being turned into nothing, we should remind them that they are the providers and show them that respect, honestly, let them reclaim this position, it's theirs if they use wisely.

        It's fine you can have your own independence and you don't have to rely on anyone, but a Muslim man should have an active role, people are getting used to this western lifestyle.

        Ideally, if you have a dad, speak to him and let the wali make the most of his role as a guardian. This is his last job before you are given away to another man who will be responsible for you, not because you are a child but because this is what the men are ordered to. To be the maintainer and protectors of their women and we SHOULD embrace this.

        Mahr is not complicated. Forget people, do what is right for you and your husband.

        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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        • #34
          I was given gold but....actually nevermind i aint gonna sharing my personal stuff on here anymore...forget that!

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          • #35
            Think long-term, worst case scenarios and think about saving yourself financially or otherwise. The users can say what they want but they won't necessarily give you money directly to help you survive will they? Especially if they are unaware of your own circumstances. And circumstances change with time and age - it's all talk now but what are the steps you are going to take now that will save you later worst comes to worst?

            No one knows how ladies (or men) will fare in the future except Allah s.w.t. therefore it helps to prepare.

            I've been on whatsapp group chats with Muslim women all over the world, and one or two of them would come DM-ing telling me they are struggling financially and need money. These ladies are from elsewhere, looking for suport as single mothers or their walis have passed on what not and they have children's mouths to feed. They look online to ask for money - to strangers.

            Where the uncles and extended male relatives at? I got no clue I didn't ask but I'm just putting it out there, it's necessary to learn how to take care of yourself financially before you start expecting money to be given to you.

            Allah doesn't burden a soul beyond what they could bear. Learning finances to be on your own - It's not a sin to learn this, in fact it is necessary and important in the long term, regardless of gender. There are courses here on financial planning which itself an Islamic course I don't understand how anyone would disagree otherwise. Men and women partake it because it benefits them.

            Plus, before covid, we don't live in welfare states like the west this is Southeast Asia I'm describing to you. The culture is different.

            Sent from my vivo 1819 using Tapatalk

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            • #36
              Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

              Yes gold along with money
              my username, what makes you think the cash will be spent? It can be saved unless that person doesn't know how to manage their finances

              Both will require you (husband or wife) to give zakat , just something to bear in mind


              Cash can certainly be saved up and put to good use (investing etc) by money savvy women. But its obviously more liquid than gold which is a lot easier to hold onto.

              But I mostly just don't see a whole load of benefit in requesting cash as mahr unless he is loaded.
              Your average Muslim joe will probably be able to give you anywhere between 5-8k or perhaps less. That kind of money gets you nothing & no where.
              Hence why I'm surprised more women don't seem to prefer gold.

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              • #37
                Originally posted by MyUsernameIs... View Post

                Cash can certainly be saved up and put to good use (investing etc) by money savvy women. But its obviously more liquid than gold which is a lot easier to hold onto.

                But I mostly just don't see a whole load of benefit in requesting cash as mahr unless he is loaded.
                Your average Muslim joe will probably be able to give you anywhere between 5-8k or perhaps less. That kind of money gets you nothing & no where.
                Hence why I'm surprised more women don't seem to prefer gold.
                Really? 5k-8k is a lot to me. I thought in the mahr thread aome users thought this was too much and way beyond their means.



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                • #38
                  Originally posted by nudgetheputri1 View Post
                  These money issues should be discussed during the marriage meetings, because when they turn into problem they don't really go away. All that discomfort and awkwardness may not create the most pleasant conversations, but if you are going to be living together and surviving day to day one day, won't this money giving/taking crop up? What you are referring to is a term called "nafkah". Or allowance for the unmarried girl/ married woman.

                  Ideally, to be as self-reliant as possible is the best way to go for Muslim women nowadays, or even start a home-based business to go a stretch further. But this depends.

                  I've heard horror stories where the man and woman discussed nafkah to be given to the woman, but only after the nikah is done, the husband didn't fulfil that promise, leaving the bride to fend for herself and work.

                  Sent from my vivo 1819 using Tapatalk
                  Yeah they should be but im sort of hoping that a religious guy wouldnt be like that, as in he wouldnt withhold money from his wife when she needed it? Plus the stuff females want to buy, a lot are for the benefit of the husband anyway like makeup perfume nice clothing etc cos we dont wear that stuff outside. But then what if hes like no you dont need that stuff but then she wants it to look nice for her husband(obvs provided he can afford it and shes not going ott). Ofc if someone doesnt have money or its a month to month basis thats not the same and ppl would understand cos we prioritise the necessities.

                  Yeah you are right its important to discuss, and the guy would surely understand and see that being open with finances and giving without counting every penny(aslong as within means ofc) is normal. And surely a religious guy that understands the meaning of providing aswell. Yeah i agree self reliance is good, a home business always sounds so ideal, but practically idk how easy it is to set that sort of thing up, espec after kids, looking after a newborn is so draining and a 24/7 job, women cant really work then.

                  That sounds awful, how can someone lie like that.. Do they not realise they made an oath and lied Astaghfirullaah. Well thats why we do istikhaarah and research too and dont just take things at face value( as much as i'd like to and tbh id probably believe at face value im too naive and see the best in ppl but i need to be more wary). Speaking of horror stories, theres a website called netmums and that is full of them tbh(not Muslims) but i know we face a lot of the same issues.

                  I would dislike someone that hides their finances from me like i would be so open about whats in my bank account to them, but ive heard some ppl dont like doing that. I find it so weird cos its just money and after marriage you literally share your life with that person, in so many ways. And yet someone is being secretive about something so insignificant as though they dont trust u/think you're golddigging..
                  And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record�
                  [al-An�aam 6:59]

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                  • #39
                    Originally posted by MyUsernameIs... View Post

                    Cash can certainly be saved up and put to good use (investing etc) by money savvy women. But its obviously more liquid than gold which is a lot easier to hold onto.

                    But I mostly just don't see a whole load of benefit in requesting cash as mahr unless he is loaded.
                    Your average Muslim joe will probably be able to give you anywhere between 5-8k or perhaps less. That kind of money gets you nothing & no where.
                    Hence why I'm surprised more women don't seem to prefer gold.
                    wow really see i would have thought 5-8k is a lot aswell. What kind of amounts do people consider normal then i wonder.
                    And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record�
                    [al-An�aam 6:59]

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                    • #40
                      Also on this mahr topic, people are saying get the Wali to discuss it which I do agree cos its part of their role. But i just can't imagine my dad or even my parents discussing it. Like they are so soft and gentle. Similar to me, they would feel awkward and if someone asks I know they will say 'any amount is fine etc' and thats not a reflection on me (lol) but just how they are, cos it happened with my sibling when my brother in law brought it up. I think they will just feel guilty specifying an amount so it will be upto me to take the reigns and say something lol and i will also be soo nervous(i mean for the marriage meeting) so that would add to the awks/nerves. But maybe it can be discussed very briefly then and an amount agreed before/after the meeting cos if ur both happy i dont think either party would disagree unless its an extortionate amount lol. And im sure with the right person the conversation would flow and they wouldnt make you feel awkward or uncomfortable if they sensed that no one was speaking up about mahr lol. Also i feel like people might take advantage of it and i dont want someone to do that either
                      And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record�
                      [al-An�aam 6:59]

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                      • #41
                        Originally posted by Creamcake View Post
                        Also on this mahr topic, people are saying get the Wali to discuss it which I do agree cos its part of their role. But i just can't imagine my dad or even my parents discussing it. Like they are so soft and gentle. Similar to me, they would feel awkward and if someone asks I know they will say 'any amount is fine etc' and thats not a reflection on me (lol) but just how they are, cos it happened with my sibling when my brother in law brought it up. I think they will just feel guilty specifying an amount so it will be upto me to take the reigns and say something lol and i will also be soo nervous(i mean for the marriage meeting) so that would add to the awks/nerves. But maybe it can be discussed very briefly then and an amount agreed before/after the meeting cos if ur both happy i dont think either party would disagree unless its an extortionate amount lol. And im sure with the right person the conversation would flow and they wouldnt make you feel awkward or uncomfortable if they sensed that no one was speaking up about mahr lol. Also i feel like people might take advantage of it and i dont want someone to do that either
                        Being soft and gentle meaning they aren't pushing for you to get married as you would prefer it that way? Like how you think other families do - pressure their children to marry

                        Sent from my vivo 1819 using Tapatalk

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                        • #42
                          Originally posted by nudgetheputri1 View Post
                          Being soft and gentle meaning they aren't pushing for you to get married as you would prefer it that way? Like how you think other families do - pressure their children to marry

                          Sent from my vivo 1819 using Tapatalk
                          I wasnt thinking of that although thats true in the sense we are expected to find ppl ourselves(not easy if you dont talk to the opposite gender irl), i wouldnt wanna be pressured, though, but it would be nice to get proposals the conventional way, the fam is quite introverted and relatives found ppl themselves etc. Ofc i love my fam and thats just how they are(not saying anything negatively), they dont want us doing it a haraam way like talking to the opposite gender either. So yeah. How does it work in your fam? Here though i meant soft and gentle r.e mahr like they wouldnt bring up money.
                          And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record�
                          [al-An�aam 6:59]

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                          • #43
                            Originally posted by .Hajar. View Post
                            Joint family system is IMHO mega faulty and rarely do people, and by that I of course mean desi people, get it right.
                            I agree with you as a desi man.

                            Joint family system is a recipe for disaster. Many desi families end up having issues due to it.

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                            • #44
                              After all these years someone actually made an off topic marriage thread.

                              سنرى عن ماذا سيتحدثون الناس في هنا
                              https://www.ummah.com/forum/forum/lo...-qur-an-courseI am just a simple nomad.

                              Ephemeral reader

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                              • #45
                                I keep reading the thread title as ‘Of Mice and Men’
                                https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

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