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  • Wife wants to relocate but...

    Salam, this is a bit of a complex situation and I wish I could make up my own mind but I'm pretty lost. I am a 30 year old male who's been married for 2 years. Before I got married me and my fiancee decided we would go to work abroad once we got married. It was mostly my wife who wanted to go and I also liked the idea of living in a hot "muslim" country for a few years however she was the one with the qualifications to make that possible. We agreed on going for the first 2 years of our married life before starting to try make our own family. She preferred waiting longer but eventually agreed. Once we got married she was slow in applying for the jobs. During this time I realised something was not right with one of my parents. Everybody in my immediately family could tell something wasn't okay but we had no idea what it could be. At this point I realised it would be better for me to stay closer to my parents but I told her she can go since it has always been her dream for the 2 years and I will visit her as much as i could. She started applying however the hiring process had finished for the year and the next job opening would have been in 6 months. Unfortunately during this time the Covid pandemic hit. During the covid pandemic we learnt that my parent had stage 4 cancer and we sadly lost them within 10 weeks of diagnoses. This hit my hard I have been full of regret for not being able to give the parent everything I had wished for and for not treating them in the best way possible as we are told to in this religion. 4 months after their passing my wife brought up her going abroad. I told her I cannot leave my family now as now more than ever I believe the only thing worth anything in this life is family and although I'm not the most religious I understand that our only aim should be Jennah as this life is a fleeting one. I told her I understand it is your dream but the 2 years we had discussed is now up, I understand its nobody's fault we happened to be in a pandemic though so if you would like to go for 1 year as it is your dream I can accept that. She agreed until a few days later when she said she should not have. She turned around and said she wants to go for longer to which I replied I don't think I can wait for you. Im getting older, I wish to have my own family and I need to stay close to the parent I have left their health isn't the best either and I don't want to be left with any regrets when their time is up. I also worked for my family business prior to all of this and since my parent passed I am pretty much running the business now. She said she wants to go for a minimum of 3-4 years and thats only because of me if I wasn't in the picture she would go for a much longer time. I have explained why I can't wait that long but she is adamant she wants to go for that long no matter the outcome. My question is Islamically is she wrong in leaving the marriage for this reason. Her parents are telling me I shouldn't be changing my mind since we agreed to this prior to marriage. Also am I wrong in saying I cannot wait. I want to start my own family and waiting another 4 years after wanting to have my own family whilst I was still young has been a dream of mine forever. Also who knows if it will be easy in 4 years time. I understand it may be difficult even know but that is a different situation/struggle in my eyes. I know this post may be all over the place but some other opinions would be really helpful.

    Jazak Allah Khair

  • #2
    Originally posted by AydaanR View Post
    Salam, this is a bit of a complex situation and I wish I could make up my own mind but I'm pretty lost. I am a 30 year old male who's been married for 2 years. Before I got married me and my fiancee decided we would go to work abroad once we got married. It was mostly my wife who wanted to go and I also liked the idea of living in a hot "muslim" country for a few years however she was the one with the qualifications to make that possible. We agreed on going for the first 2 years of our married life before starting to try make our own family. She preferred waiting longer but eventually agreed. Once we got married she was slow in applying for the jobs. During this time I realised something was not right with one of my parents. Everybody in my immediately family could tell something wasn't okay but we had no idea what it could be. At this point I realised it would be better for me to stay closer to my parents but I told her she can go since it has always been her dream for the 2 years and I will visit her as much as i could. She started applying however the hiring process had finished for the year and the next job opening would have been in 6 months. Unfortunately during this time the Covid pandemic hit. During the covid pandemic we learnt that my parent had stage 4 cancer and we sadly lost them within 10 weeks of diagnoses. This hit my hard I have been full of regret for not being able to give the parent everything I had wished for and for not treating them in the best way possible as we are told to in this religion. 4 months after their passing my wife brought up her going abroad. I told her I cannot leave my family now as now more than ever I believe the only thing worth anything in this life is family and although I'm not the most religious I understand that our only aim should be Jennah as this life is a fleeting one. I told her I understand it is your dream but the 2 years we had discussed is now up, I understand its nobody's fault we happened to be in a pandemic though so if you would like to go for 1 year as it is your dream I can accept that. She agreed until a few days later when she said she should not have. She turned around and said she wants to go for longer to which I replied I don't think I can wait for you. Im getting older, I wish to have my own family and I need to stay close to the parent I have left their health isn't the best either and I don't want to be left with any regrets when their time is up. I also worked for my family business prior to all of this and since my parent passed I am pretty much running the business now. She said she wants to go for a minimum of 3-4 years and thats only because of me if I wasn't in the picture she would go for a much longer time. I have explained why I can't wait that long but she is adamant she wants to go for that long no matter the outcome. My question is Islamically is she wrong in leaving the marriage for this reason. Her parents are telling me I shouldn't be changing my mind since we agreed to this prior to marriage. Also am I wrong in saying I cannot wait. I want to start my own family and waiting another 4 years after wanting to have my own family whilst I was still young has been a dream of mine forever. Also who knows if it will be easy in 4 years time. I understand it may be difficult even know but that is a different situation/struggle in my eyes. I know this post may be all over the place but some other opinions would be really helpful.

    Jazak Allah Khair
    From what you have described it appears that you guys are incompatible because you don't share the same aspirations in life. She wants to make Hijrah to a Muslim country and you want to stay in the West and serve your parent. Perhaps it would be a good idea to sit her down and have a frank conversation about this issue. If she's adament on leaving and not willing to budge, then what good is it to force her via the religion and live together in misery?

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    • #3
      I definately understand rhat you cant wait and foe tour wife to go abroad without a mahram wouldn't be good islamically so you wouldn't be a great husband allowing that anyway. If she wants to go chas3 her dreams, i would say masalama, it sounds rude but it seems like you guys have a very different outlook on life that will make it hard to come to terms

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      • #4
        Originally posted by AmantuBillahi View Post

        From what you have described it appears that you guys are incompatible because you don't share the same aspirations in life. She wants to make Hijrah to a Muslim country and you want to stay in the West and serve your parent. Perhaps it would be a good idea to sit her down and have a frank conversation about this issue. If she's adament on leaving and not willing to budge, then what good is it to force her via the religion and live together in misery?
        I am of the same opinion I don't see the point of forcing either of us to stay in a situation which makes us miserable. My intention is not to use Islam as a tool to force her to stay with me. I'm asking if ending the relationship due to the reasons I have stated from my side is a mistake or the correct decision. Im asking islamically am I right in making this decision, if so I can be at peace about the decision I have made in the future. If you know what I mean...

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        • #5
          Does she have a right to leave the marriage? You two did agree to something before you married and while no ever knows what’s going to happen in the future it was still an agreement. I don’t want to say divorce because that’s not my call and I never suggest divorce as the first option. I would suggest you make Salah Istikhara on this one. Think long and hard on what you both want see if maybe you can try reaching a middle ground.
          Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in the darkness

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Allah's_Servant View Post
            Does she have a right to leave the marriage? You two did agree to something before you married and while no ever knows what’s going to happen in the future it was still an agreement. I don’t want to say divorce because that’s not my call and I never suggest divorce as the first option. I would suggest you make Salah Istikhara on this one. Think long and hard on what you both want see if maybe you can try reaching a middle ground.
            I acknowledge we agreed on something but that gets complicated because we agreed for the first 2 years of our life together which is now over. I can sympathise with her in terms of its not her fault but on top of the 2 years passing other things have happened in our life that has changed circumstances. I did do istikhara (no result) but I wasn't asking wether I should get divorced or not because I was scared of the outcome but I think that is what I will have to do now. In terms of the middle ground her parents also said there's always a solution but I honestly don't see what that solution could be. She's stuck on going for 4 years and I can't see myself living here alone for the next 4 years not knowing if our feelings for one another stays strong whilst putting our lives together on hold hoping that she'll be ready to come back in 4 years and just pick up where we left off like that.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by AydaanR View Post

              I acknowledge we agreed on something but that gets complicated because we agreed for the first 2 years of our life together which is now over. I can sympathise with her in terms of its not her fault but on top of the 2 years passing other things have happened in our life that has changed circumstances. I did do istikhara (no result) but I wasn't asking wether I should get divorced or not because I was scared of the outcome but I think that is what I will have to do now. In terms of the middle ground her parents also said there's always a solution but I honestly don't see what that solution could be. She's stuck on going for 4 years and I can't see myself living here alone for the next 4 years not knowing if our feelings for one another stays strong whilst putting our lives together on hold hoping that she'll be ready to come back in 4 years and just pick up where we left off like that.
              If it was in the marriage contract and something you both agreed on than yes she does have the right to ask what she’s asking. It may have not been your fault or her fault that COVID and other unforeseen things happened but she never got to fulfill what she wanted to fulfill.

              If you are still young there is still time to have children. Perhaps you could ask her to go for only one year and see if she agrees to that. Umar Ibn Khattab (rd) once said that love is not the basis of marriage rather the real basis of marriage is loyalty and appreciation. Love is important too but if you can think back fo the day you married her or the day you agreed to marry her and still have feelings for her than I wouldn’t give her up just yet. This Ummah is way to quick on the issue of divorce. You’ll have to cross this bridge with some difficulties and with some heart attack but maybe if you two could get through it together than it could grow the love between you two.
              Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in the darkness

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by AydaanR View Post

                I am of the same opinion I don't see the point of forcing either of us to stay in a situation which makes us miserable. My intention is not to use Islam as a tool to force her to stay with me. I'm asking if ending the relationship due to the reasons I have stated from my side is a mistake or the correct decision. Im asking islamically am I right in making this decision, if so I can be at peace about the decision I have made in the future. If you know what I mean...
                I'm not going to tell you what to do because I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship. You're not doing anything "wrong" Islamically whether you choose to divorce her or seek reconciliation. Personally, I wouldn't suggest demanding her to stay with you or invoking your authority as her husband because it doesn't look like she would respond well to that. Could you not invite her to have an honest discussion and lay out your options moving forward? Worse case scenario if she chooses making Hijrah over preserving her marriage then at least you didn't have any children with her and could always remarry.

                Have you also considered relocating with your parent and making Hijrah altogether as a viable solution?

                Comment


                • #9
                  What did your wife want from a marriage? Does she know what a marriage entails? It seems like she doesn't know, or maybe isn't mature enough for the marriage. You have to stay home out of necessity to help the family, she wants to go abroad basically for pleasure to pursue her dream career. Does she understand the sacrifices one must make for family, does she understand that the responsibilities of a spouse and parent come before anything else? In Islam, a wife is allowed to work only if she is fulfilling her duties as a wife and mother and not neglecting them, it is the responsibility of the husband to work and provide for the family. There were unforeseen circumstances that drastically changed your plans, yet she's not willing to adapt for that, to put the family first, and instead is even willing to sacrifice her marriage to pursue her desires.

                  I'm sure if you go to a scholar they'd say that its wrong of her to want a divorce for this reason, if you're fulfilling all her rights, if you're treating her justly and kindly, if you're giving her sexual rights, then there isn't really a good reason for granting a divorce (https://islamqa.info/en/answers/1859...band-for-khula). Also fyi, if you divorce her (talaq) you won't get your mahr back, if she asks for divorce (khula) she will have to give back part or all of the mahr to you. Its also not wrong of you to want to start a family and having kids, having children is a right of the spouses, a spouse can't use contraception or the withdrawl method without the others consent. (https://islamqa.info/en/answers/1903...-is-frustrated).

                  Its something you need to talk with her about while making these points clear. She might not even realize the impact this decision will have on her future, theres many women these days that have been led to believe that they should prioritize career over starting a family, and they regret this deeply later in life when it too late. Also especially for divorced Muslim women, its extremely hard to remarry. Why does she need to specifically go abroad for work?

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