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My father is an abusive cheater please help

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  • My father is an abusive cheater please help


    My dad has been cheating on my mother for over 7 years as far as we know, but maybe longer. To preface, he has never looked after the children, he does not financially support the family or care about us. He also takes my mums money for his own gain and we have never received anything from him. We have been slaves to him since i can remember, my mum does everything for him and in return he calls her nasty names and cheats on her. I have never seen him touch a plate in his life, even make a cup of tea.

    He started accusing my mother of cheating a few years ago even though this is false. He has threatened to kill her on multiple occasions because of this. She was consulting some sheikhs trying to seek knowledge for me and my siblings and this is where his accusations started. Since then we aren’t allowed to go to any mosques or islamic classes. He also follows her around when she goes out, checks her phone, blocks numbers etc. When she goes to sleep at night he waits for everyone else to be asleep and he shouts at her for hours and hours. He calls her najis, la’na tullah etc..

    This year we discovered that he was cheating again. He was talking to up to 8 women.. most of them are caucasian. I have proof that he has committed adultery with them. He still accuses my mum of cheating despite all this. She wanted a divorce before but now she is just tired. Everything is normal and he is still talking to women and we are all expected to wait on him hand and foot.

    I know in islam we should love our parents but I can’t even look at him. He has never said sorry to my mum he just denies everything and says he will kill us if she tries to get a divorce. I genuinely hate him. He is still talking to women and plans to meet them in europe after ramadan. He has no remorse and he expects us to still be his slaves and for my mum to worship him.

    It is all affecting me mentally a lot. I can’t pretend everything is normal. It is also affecting my studies as I am in university. I think I should move out and focus on myself but I want to know what is islamically right. I can’t talk to my dad until he apologises and acknowledges his actions. Will I be punished for this?

    please keep me in your duas

  • #2
    Originally posted by aw7349 View Post
    My dad has been cheating on my mother for over 7 years as far as we know, but maybe longer. To preface, he has never looked after the children, he does not financially support the family or care about us. He also takes my mums money for his own gain and we have never received anything from him. We have been slaves to him since i can remember, my mum does everything for him and in return he calls her nasty names and cheats on her. I have never seen him touch a plate in his life, even make a cup of tea.

    He started accusing my mother of cheating a few years ago even though this is false. He has threatened to kill her on multiple occasions because of this. She was consulting some sheikhs trying to seek knowledge for me and my siblings and this is where his accusations started. Since then we aren’t allowed to go to any mosques or islamic classes. He also follows her around when she goes out, checks her phone, blocks numbers etc. When she goes to sleep at night he waits for everyone else to be asleep and he shouts at her for hours and hours. He calls her najis, la’na tullah etc..

    This year we discovered that he was cheating again. He was talking to up to 8 women.. most of them are caucasian. I have proof that he has committed adultery with them. He still accuses my mum of cheating despite all this. She wanted a divorce before but now she is just tired. Everything is normal and he is still talking to women and we are all expected to wait on him hand and foot.

    I know in islam we should love our parents but I can’t even look at him. He has never said sorry to my mum he just denies everything and says he will kill us if she tries to get a divorce. I genuinely hate him. He is still talking to women and plans to meet them in europe after ramadan. He has no remorse and he expects us to still be his slaves and for my mum to worship him.

    It is all affecting me mentally a lot. I can’t pretend everything is normal. It is also affecting my studies as I am in university. I think I should move out and focus on myself but I want to know what is islamically right. I can’t talk to my dad until he apologises and acknowledges his actions. Will I be punished for this?

    please keep me in your duas
    Assalamu alaykum,

    If what you're saying is accurate then you should reassure your mother that you're willing to support her if she decides to leave him. Thankfully you didn't mention anything about him being physically violent with her or else you would have to step in the middle of that. I'm assuming that you're a brother, right? Speak to your mother and tell her that she doesn't have to continue suffering for the sake of you and your siblings.

    It would also be advisable for you to seek counsel from the Imams and scholars in your local community. He doesn't have the authority to prevent you from contacting an Islamic judge/mufti to seek assistance on this matter, esspecially in the case of your mother and considering that he's not even Qawwaam in the relationship.

    May Allah make it easy for you and your family.
    Last edited by AmantuBillahi; 1 week ago.

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    • #3
      Assuming that your version is correct,your conscience will be clean and your strength will grow if you stand by your mother.Wrong doings do not make one strong for too long.Your maternal and in particular paternal relatives may be approached for moral support.

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      • #4
        You need to get your own place otherwise you will become dysfunctional in your life. And this happens a lot where the husband cheats and projects his own sins o to his wife when she is innocent.

        He sounds like a horrible person and if you are a male then you should get your own place and help your mum. No one should be tolerating abuse like this. He may have mental issues from committing adultery and now is projecting it all on your mum. He defo needs therapy and you need to look for a muslim professional who can counsel you and your family.

        But yeh don't be patient to tolerate his zulm be patient to get a way out as soon as you can inshaAllah.

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        • #5
          Why do you ask if you'll be punished for this? He hasn't done anything worthy of respect in his life so you have no reason to have a good opinion of him.

          It does sound like you all need to escape from him especially your mum but she is completely trapped because he tracks her phone and follows her wherever she goes so she wouldn't know where to turn or how to go about seeking help.

          If things are as serious as you describe, then this is not the time or place to seek mediation, or to seek the advice of a wise elder to advise him on better conduct or on reconcilliation. This is the time to seek out a solid escape route for her where he can never find her. I don't know what country you're in, but if there are womens refuges in your town, you should contact them. If you have extended family such as maternal grandparents etc then ask your mum whether they are supportive or whether they'd pressure her to return to him.

          You need to find ways to hide your mum's money so that he can't access it. He sounds very dangerous. In the UK I know the cooperative bank have been putting up ads on dealing with coercive control (ie where a spouse is abusive but not physically, it means he controls his wife's movements, her communications and accesses her money as a way of exerting control) and they might be able to advise on financial abuse for example if he puts bills and debts in her name so that she can't have any of her own money. How old are your siblings? You are right to want to move out. In fact if you find a way to settle elsewhere, even in a one bedroom place, it could help become an escape route for your mum but if he's as controlling as I think he is, he might force her to cut off from you so that she can't contact you or access your support. Make lots of dua as well.
          The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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          • #6
            Like the response above personally I would be looking to relocate, it doesn't have to be to another country just another town or city if possible in your country, however you would have to be careful to keep the new location hidden from him. I don't know how people on this forum feel about going to the police as many complications could arise but if he's threatening to kill you all somebody thats able to offer some form of protection or preventative measures needs to be informed.

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            • #7
              Salam
              Will keep you in my duas
              Are you a sis or a bro?

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