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  • I think my husband is gay

    Assalamu Aleykum,

    I haven’t slept properly since I found out about my husband’s secret and have been drowned in my thoughts ever since. I spoke to an Imam about it and was advised to speak to my husband. The thought of bringing this subject to my husband fills me with intense anxiety and I don’t think I can bring myself to speak to him. I have no one to talk to and I guess I’m using this platform as an outlet and for some advice.

    I have been married for two years, no kids. It was an arranged marriage set up by my mother. Alhamdulilah, after getting to know him, I could see he was a man with akhlaq and Deen and I happily proceeded with the marriage. During our marriage, even to this day, my husband has been nothing but kind to me. He always strives to please me and make me happy. I’ve never seen him miss even one Salah. However, there’s always been this lingering issue in our marriage which was intimacy. When we got married, my husband never approached me for intimacy. This of course had a huge knock-on effect to my confidence and came with a lot of emotions. After 3 months into our marriage, I decided to confront him and laid out my feelings to him. He apologised and said that he was suffering from erectile dysfunction which was why he was hesitant to be intimate. I could see his perspective and reassured him that this was something we can fix together and not to feel ashamed of. However, since we’ve been married, I can count on one hand how many times we’ve been intimate and sometimes it feels like he doesn’t even try.

    Few months ago I found something on my husband’s phone that would not only shock me but question my whole marriage. When using his phone, I stumbled upon a google search he carried out that said gay porn. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing but immediately I closed it off and returned the phone to him whilst pretending everything was normal. Since then, I tried to forget about that incident and told myself that perhaps it was just an accident on his part. That was until last week. Last week I noticed he left his phone behind when doing food shopping and I’m not sure why but I was compelled to look at his phone. What I found was truly horrifying. My husband has been watching various websites of men being intimate with each other. It wasn’t just explicit videos, but also fictional stories around gay men. To this day I still think it’s a dream and surely this isn’t happening. Did I waste two years of my life to a man who’s secretly into men?

    I know I have to confront my husband at some point but how do you even begin to start that conversation? I know he will deny it all due to shame and embarrassment but I took pictures of his searches just in case.

    I am conflicted with divorce. Although he is good to me, do I want to stay in a marriage to someone who watches other men? And how do I even explain the reasons for divorce to my family?

    I apologise for the lengthy post but I would appreciate any advice.

    Jazak Allahu Khayran

  • #2
    salam alaykum wa rahmat allah
    you must confront him as soon as possible and tell him that you are aware of hes gay porn addiction and that he have to make a choice either you or hes addiction
    if he chose hes addiction then good ridance divorce him and allah will bless you wih a better husband inshaeallah
    if he chooses you then first he should take towards getting rid of this addiction is consulting a muslim therapist who will give you a guideline and help him become normal inshaeallah and dont forget to do ruqya on him it will help him too

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Muslimah00 View Post
      Assalamu Aleykum,

      I haven’t slept properly since I found out about my husband’s secret and have been drowned in my thoughts ever since. I spoke to an Imam about it and was advised to speak to my husband. The thought of bringing this subject to my husband fills me with intense anxiety and I don’t think I can bring myself to speak to him. I have no one to talk to and I guess I’m using this platform as an outlet and for some advice.

      I have been married for two years, no kids. It was an arranged marriage set up by my mother. Alhamdulilah, after getting to know him, I could see he was a man with akhlaq and Deen and I happily proceeded with the marriage. During our marriage, even to this day, my husband has been nothing but kind to me. He always strives to please me and make me happy. I’ve never seen him miss even one Salah. However, there’s always been this lingering issue in our marriage which was intimacy. When we got married, my husband never approached me for intimacy. This of course had a huge knock-on effect to my confidence and came with a lot of emotions. After 3 months into our marriage, I decided to confront him and laid out my feelings to him. He apologised and said that he was suffering from erectile dysfunction which was why he was hesitant to be intimate. I could see his perspective and reassured him that this was something we can fix together and not to feel ashamed of. However, since we’ve been married, I can count on one hand how many times we’ve been intimate and sometimes it feels like he doesn’t even try.

      Few months ago I found something on my husband’s phone that would not only shock me but question my whole marriage. When using his phone, I stumbled upon a google search he carried out that said gay porn. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing but immediately I closed it off and returned the phone to him whilst pretending everything was normal. Since then, I tried to forget about that incident and told myself that perhaps it was just an accident on his part. That was until last week. Last week I noticed he left his phone behind when doing food shopping and I’m not sure why but I was compelled to look at his phone. What I found was truly horrifying. My husband has been watching various websites of men being intimate with each other. It wasn’t just explicit videos, but also fictional stories around gay men. To this day I still think it’s a dream and surely this isn’t happening. Did I waste two years of my life to a man who’s secretly into men?

      I know I have to confront my husband at some point but how do you even begin to start that conversation? I know he will deny it all due to shame and embarrassment but I took pictures of his searches just in case.

      I am conflicted with divorce. Although he is good to me, do I want to stay in a marriage to someone who watches other men? And how do I even explain the reasons for divorce to my family?

      I apologise for the lengthy post but I would appreciate any advice.

      Jazak Allahu Khayran
      Waalaykum salam.

      Sorry to hear about your situation. You should probably confront your husband and consider seeking a divorce because it is evident that he's attracted to the same gender. I also wouldn't encourage exposing his affair to your family members if that would jeopardize his reputation in the community. Perhaps you guys could figure out some excuse that would work out for both parties after the confrontation.

      May Allah make it easy and try to keep this Imam involved inshaAllah.

      Comment


      • #4
        I’m sorry you’re going through that. That’s disgusting.

        Comment


        • #5
          Males commenting like divorce and finding a new man is so easy. Divorced women, even non divorced over the age of 26 or so are HEAVILY discriminated against in some cultures. There is a possibility of never marrying again...if you will encourage divorce, at least don't pretend to OP that she will find someone as easily as you will. If OP is not from those unfortunate cultures there is less problem.

          OP needs to find a way to speak to him, because if he is then you are able to decide what you want to do. You'll need to weigh everything up and decide for yourself. See if there are ways to ask advice from islamic marriage councillors, life coach, whatever ANONYMOUSLY. Find out and see what you want to do and pray istikhara. He is a good man, kind to you. But you have no intimate life. Perhaps you'll find that you can live with this, perhaps you can't...that's not for anyone of us to decide for you. See if he actually is. consider the likelihood of him acting on it if so...we don't know him so you will need to see what you think. Consider everything. I know it's difficult as there doesn't seem to be an appropriate place to talk about this without humiliating him, you will have to find a way to get him to talk to you...he'll have to trust you can take it in order to tell the truth

          Comment


          • #6
            do some guys not think

            How you going to go and marry a lady if you know you are not straight

            You’re just ruining an innocent persons life

            Comment


            • #7
              Wa alaykum salaam

              Your husband is not fulfilling your basic marital rights. The right to intimacy is for both men & women and some of the scholars say that at an absolute minimum, the man should give this right to his wife once every four months. So if you can count on one hand and you’ve been married for two years, then he is falling short in this regard.

              May Allah bless you, you gave him husnul dhann the first time you saw his search history. You seem like a wise woman Subhan’Allah who acts upon wisdom rather than emotion. May Allah ease your affairs.

              There is a difference between being gay & having these inclinations and not acting upon them. Nonetheless, your husband has been watching filthy things which in turn are affecting your own marital life. Moreover, even if it’s mere inclinations that he has, it is something very severe & will need a lot of work on your husbands part. The fact that you felt compelled to go through his phone last week shows that your gut was telling you that something is off, despite his kindness & him being good to you.

              This is a very serious matter & I advice you to go to another imam for advice. The problem is, when a man is confronted with something as severe as this, (by yourself) there is a very high chance that due to his own humiliation and embarrassment he could turn abusive/violent. Especially if he is seen as a respected individual.

              I would not go to someone who knows him as this can make the situation worse. Also, do not concern yourself about what you would tell your family in the event of a divorce. If it does come to that, then you are not obliged to go into detail
              https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

              Comment


              • #8
                i would understand how u would loose hope...getting a divorce is always an option...once u confront him be prepared for a major change in his behavior and attitude towards u...a big change - good or bad...
                a long shot, but i saw a youtube video where tariq jameel said how he had counselled a few eunuch in pakistan, who then changed their life got married and had kids later on, based on this i would say thr is hope, maybe very little but thr is hope
                all said and done, ur life partner cannot be into this haraam life, u have to think beyond this life, scholars would probably advice u too not stay if ur spouse was into riba let alone something more than that....counsel, confront and take a big decision before u loose ur peace of mind... life will get better, with hardship comes ease..forget about society, ppl will say what they have to say, 90% ppl would care more what they get to feast on during ur marriage than who u get married too
                n if he doesnt get intimate with u and watches gay porn he probably is gay

                Comment


                • #9
                  Is he actually gay? Like does he go out and use male escorts and does he have a boyfriend? Or does he only watch filthy gay stuff?

                  Either way his mind has been messed up and he needs therepy asap. If he ias praying then it must be his mind that has been corrupted. He may have been abused by a a male and is inclined to watching thay kind of stuff.

                  It could simply jusy be a trigger from his past that makes him watch it or he could be full on gay and he may secretly meet up with other men. You need to find out which one it is.


                  Comment


                  • #10
                    JazakAllah for all the replies.

                    I am fully aware that at my age of 28 the chances of me remarrying again is unfortunately slim due to societal standards. But at the same time, I also can’t see myself being married forever without intimacy. I know my husband will not admit to what he’s been doing when I confront him but I also know he would never act on those filthy stuff, it’s not in his nature and character. But I also know that my mind will always be in constant turmoil of “what if” even if he denies being interested in men. And I think that’s the bigger issue. Even if we had an honest conversation and he admits to everything and says that I’m only interested in women, I will always be in a state of uncertainty or wariness. I have spent sleepless nights trying to weigh everything. He’s a good husband to me and finding someone like that is rare in this day and age. I know he would be an amazing father if we have kids but I can’t get this situation out of my head. What’s worse, even if we do have a divorce, it’ll just be me ‘the wife’ who’ll get the blame and I can’t even state the truth because it’ll just humiliate him.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Muslimah00 View Post
                      JazakAllah for all the replies.

                      I am fully aware that at my age of 28 the chances of me remarrying again is unfortunately slim due to societal standards. But at the same time, I also can’t see myself being married forever without intimacy. I know my husband will not admit to what he’s been doing when I confront him but I also know he would never act on those filthy stuff, it’s not in his nature and character. But I also know that my mind will always be in constant turmoil of “what if” even if he denies being interested in men. And I think that’s the bigger issue. Even if we had an honest conversation and he admits to everything and says that I’m only interested in women, I will always be in a state of uncertainty or wariness. I have spent sleepless nights trying to weigh everything. He’s a good husband to me and finding someone like that is rare in this day and age. I know he would be an amazing father if we have kids but I can’t get this situation out of my head. What’s worse, even if we do have a divorce, it’ll just be me ‘the wife’ who’ll get the blame and I can’t even state the truth because it’ll just humiliate him.
                      Tell him you want to have kids and see what his response is..

                      He needs therepy for sure though.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Faith reloaded 2
                        do some guys not think

                        How you going to go and marry a lady if you know you are not straight

                        You’re just ruining an innocent persons life
                        You know it's probably because they're too scared of what their friends and family will say if they come out

                        They'd rather ruin a poor innocent woman's life then be man enough to admit they got issues

                        You know that asian couple from the uk think they were hindus or sikh but they went south africa and he apparently got his newly wed wife killed,
                        I actually remember watching a documentary where they found out he was gay but no one knew and he even used to visit a male escort,
                        can't quite remember which channel the documentary came on though and not sure whether he was actually found guilty or not
                        but her name was anni dewani just Google her in sha Allah

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Flawed View Post

                          Tell him you want to have kids and see what his response is..

                          He needs therepy for sure though.
                          We talked about children before at many occasions and it is something he really wants to have as well.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            if he is religious he may want to give a shot at changing his life thru proper islamic counselling, he probably is weak and may not be actually involved in sodomy. all i can say is that dont put this thing aside and live ur life, it would probably eat u inside....hopefully ur family is supportive if u wr to take an extreme step

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Muslimah00 View Post
                              JazakAllah for all the replies.

                              I am fully aware that at my age of 28 the chances of me remarrying again is unfortunately slim due to societal standards. But at the same time, I also can’t see myself being married forever without intimacy. I know my husband will not admit to what he’s been doing when I confront him but I also know he would never act on those filthy stuff, it’s not in his nature and character. But I also know that my mind will always be in constant turmoil of “what if” even if he denies being interested in men. And I think that’s the bigger issue. Even if we had an honest conversation and he admits to everything and says that I’m only interested in women, I will always be in a state of uncertainty or wariness. I have spent sleepless nights trying to weigh everything. He’s a good husband to me and finding someone like that is rare in this day and age. I know he would be an amazing father if we have kids but I can’t get this situation out of my head. What’s worse, even if we do have a divorce, it’ll just be me ‘the wife’ who’ll get the blame and I can’t even state the truth because it’ll just humiliate him.
                              Whatever happens, nothing will happen without that conversation. You might say exactly what you saw, why you felt you had to see it, how it caused doubt because of the lack of intimacy, tell him that lack is abnormal. Now, after everything, you need to know what is going on because that is the right thing for him to do. You are in limbo until you know and can decide, you never consented to an almost celibate relationship, you need to know where he is at otherwise you are stuck. That it is your life too, with possibly the rest of your life given to this marriage ...that is wrong if you are unfulfilled and living a lie. You deserve not to be used.

                              Comment

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