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(Advice) Feel helpless dont know what to do with this proposal

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  • (Advice) Feel helpless dont know what to do with this proposal

    Salam,

    My parents have chosen cousin for me to marry. Hes very accomplished and hasnt had any relationships in the past. However him and his family has not been kind to anyone else including everyone in our distant family. Overall are good but donnot treat others well/keep away from rest of family. They have always felt arrogant and blamed others for their actions like never allowing my dads brother to visit or the son arguing with my uncle etc, we havent seen them for around 15 years even though though they live near us in UAE. They recently asked for my hand. I initially got pressured to say yes even though I knew how they were.

    I went in though hoping it would be fine and if the guy is good its ok, it has been almost months and the person always says he is busy with work/sleeping when I try to message or if I say I say we should text more he ignores my concern till next day. He cant even send 1-2 messages and sounds closed off. His questions were demeaning aswell. When I raised the issue with my parents and told him to text more as it's not respectful, they created a stir. The man accused me on phone and blamed me when I was silent and i started to cry. I got the blame that my conduct is not good, bad energy and I'm demanding and not wanting to marry. When I know I tried. He said I'm unwilling to compromise imagine after marriage, but I get the feeling he isnt interested.

    The guy maybe good on paper he says he is virtuous, prays and and I respect it.., however he doesnt care about me. And I get the blame from his family and him that I didnt want to marry when I tried to with my heart. His family accused my family that the girl doesnt want to. He even has a problem with me laughing. What should I do? My parents are pressuring me to marry him and I should apologize for this. Its causing me so much depression and my hearts always sinks whenever I hear about them. how can I marrry when I'm scared? I do trust in Allah swt but I dont know what to do, I already apologised aswel.

    I know my parents are really good and kind hearted people they assume good in everyone and they say that's the only guy that they can find. Can I expect this person to change after marriage? I feel bad in saying no aswell as Allah sends proposals like a blessing. I just fear I wont get anyone else however I do trust Allahs plan aswell.

    Any help or advice would be good. Thank you. Should I continue this and go along with it? I'm not sure how to approach this issue without hurting anyone.
    Last edited by Uc26786; 1 week ago.

  • #2
    Let me know! Thanks

    Comment


    • #3
      the way you measure how good someone for marriage is wrong to begin with
      first thing you look for is religion does he maintain all hes daily fard prayers in the masjid does he follow the sunnah of the prophet peace be upon him in hes manners and hes look like letting the beard grow for example but you didnt mention any of this. ''Hes very accomplished and hasnt had any relationships '' if the foundation of islam is absence this means nothing even if he is accomplished he wont feel obliged to spend on you and might get stingy with time and just like he wastes prayer he will waste your god given rights.not getting involved in haram relationships is only good when the person is a practising muslim because in the abbsence of comitment to islamic teachings not having previouse relationships turns into a motive to have multiple haram relationships with women after marriage due to boredom or whatever nonesence they come up with

      you shouldnt be texting him because you are not married yet and its not appropriate to chit-chat with him since he is stil la stranger to you . if you guys want to talk then it should be done with a pressence of a mahram he should of told you this but seems like he dosent know this aswell .

      my advice to you is to work on yourself start to maintain your daily fard prayers on time stop valuating things in a materialistic way .if this person practice islam maintain hes daily fard prayers in the masjid then he should be good if hes not then make it clear that you dont marry a man who neglect hes prayers

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Hamza1416 View Post
        the way you measure how good someone for marriage is wrong to begin with
        first thing you look for is religion does he maintain all hes daily fard prayers in the masjid does he follow the sunnah of the prophet peace be upon him in hes manners and hes look like letting the beard grow for example but you didnt mention any of this. ''Hes very accomplished and hasnt had any relationships '' if the foundation of islam is absence this means nothing even if he is accomplished he wont feel obliged to spend on you and might get stingy with time and just like he wastes prayer he will waste your god given rights.not getting involved in haram relationships is only good when the person is a practising muslim because in the abbsence of comitment to islamic teachings not having previouse relationships turns into a motive to have multiple haram relationships with women after marriage due to boredom or whatever nonesence they come up with

        you shouldnt be texting him because you are not married yet and its not appropriate to chit-chat with him since he is stil la stranger to you . if you guys want to talk then it should be done with a pressence of a mahram he should of told you this but seems like he dosent know this aswell .

        my advice to you is to work on yourself start to maintain your daily fard prayers on time stop valuating things in a materialistic way .if this person practice islam maintain hes daily fard prayers in the masjid then he should be good if hes not then make it clear that you dont marry a man who neglect hes prayers
        Attending the masjid for the 5 prayers is a very good thing but there's ikthilaf on whether it's compulsory however there are also many valid reasons for not performing your salah in the masjid for example you live too far from the masjid or your job doesn't allow you to attend the masjid during working hours.

        An extremely small number of Muslim men perform all their daily salah in the masjid, by stipulating this as a condition, it makes it incredibly difficult for a muslimah to find a spouse.
        Last edited by hasan2013; 1 week ago.

        Comment


        • #5
          This is a case for chief architects:

          Stoic Believer
          Linkdeutscher

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Uc26786 View Post
            Salam,

            My parents have chosen cousin for me to marry. Hes very accomplished and hasnt had any relationships in the past. However him and his family has not been kind to anyone else including everyone in our distant family. Overall are good but donnot treat others well/keep away from rest of family. They have always felt arrogant and blamed others for their actions like never allowing my dads brother to visit or the son arguing with my uncle etc, we havent seen them for around 15 years even though though they live near us in UAE. They recently asked for my hand. I initially got pressured to say yes even though I knew how they were.

            I went in though hoping it would be fine and if the guy is good its ok, it has been almost months and the person always says he is busy with work/sleeping when I try to message or if I say I say we should text more he ignores my concern till next day. He cant even send 1-2 messages and sounds closed off. His questions were demeaning aswell. When I raised the issue with my parents and told him to text more as it's not respectful, they created a stir. The man accused me on phone and blamed me when I was silent and i started to cry. I got the blame that my conduct is not good, bad energy and I'm demanding and not wanting to marry. When I know I tried. He said I'm unwilling to compromise imagine after marriage, but I get the feeling he isnt interested.

            The guy maybe good on paper he says he is virtuous, prays and and I respect it.., however he doesnt care about me. And I get the blame from his family and him that I didnt want to marry when I tried to with my heart. His family accused my family that the girl doesnt want to. He even has a problem with me laughing. What should I do? My parents are pressuring me to marry him and I should apologize for this. Its causing me so much depression and my hearts always sinks whenever I hear about them. how can I marrry when I'm scared? I do trust in Allah swt but I dont know what to do, I already apologised aswel.

            I know my parents are really good and kind hearted people they assume good in everyone and they say that's the only guy that they can find. Can I expect this person to change after marriage? I feel bad in saying no aswell as Allah sends proposals like a blessing. I just fear I wont get anyone else however I do trust Allahs plan aswell.

            Any help or advice would be good. Thank you. Should I continue this and go along with it? I'm not sure how to approach this issue without hurting anyone.
            Asalamu alaikum

            There are many red flags here, firstly this guy and his family are known to be unkind to relatives.

            Secondly, he behaved very rudely with you, you're not even married yet and he is already gaslighting you, there's nothing wrong with you asking him questions, if he can't even be bothered to answer your questions before marriage then it does seem like he doesn't give it any importance

            He and his family are blaming you so much when you did not even do anything wrong, you're not even tied to them yet and already they're at your throat.

            Not every proposal is a blessing, some proposals can be a fitnah, it seems this one is the latter kind.

            Explain the situation to your parents in a calm manner, tell them you will not be happy with this person, you already feel depressed and unhappy plus such people usually become 100 times worse after marriage and it could likely end in divorce, do they want their daughter to come back to them as a divorcee?

            My advice is that you try and wait for a guy who is both deeni and has good character
            Last edited by hasan2013; 1 week ago.

            Comment


            • #7
              I agree with you those are materialistic things, I dont think they matter at all. Prayers and maintaining good relationships are important. He does say he prays 5 times a day and works hard, however why cant I see good akhlaaq? I've heard good reference about him from my some family members. But I'm surprised at his behaviour to me.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Uc26786 View Post
                I agree with you those are materialistic things, I dont think they matter at all. Prayers and maintaining good relationships are important. He does say he prays 5 times a day and works hard, however why cant I see good akhlaaq? I've heard good reference about him from my some family members. But I'm surprised at his behaviour to me.
                Did you read my post above?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Yes I did, I also want to tell I did confront by sending a text message saying I find it disrespectful that he wont communicate.

                  however I didnt expect it to get a reaction like that. do you think I could have handled it better? I told my father at start and he communicated to his father.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    What are you texting about that is so important?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Uc26786 View Post
                      I initially got pressured to say yes
                      No. Just no.

                      This is not how you do things. The regret will be too strong if things go south. It will eat you from the inside.

                      Don't do it.
                      You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

                      You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Uc26786 View Post
                        Yes I did, I also want to tell I did confront by sending a text message saying I find it disrespectful that he wont communicate.

                        however I didnt expect it to get a reaction like that. do you think I could have handled it better? I told my father at start and he communicated to his father.
                        It seems you are hung on him.

                        Reject the proposal and find someone better.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Abu 'Abdullaah View Post
                          What are you texting about that is so important?
                          I know its not about that but for him i wanted to see how it would feel texting him/talking to him. I know its not something recommended. Would you recommend telling him directly or via parents? I'm scared as my parents may get the blame.

                          Last edited by Uc26786; 1 week ago.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Uc26786 View Post
                            I agree with you those are materialistic things, I dont think they matter at all. Prayers and maintaining good relationships are important. He does say he prays 5 times a day and works hard, however why cant I see good akhlaaq? I've heard good reference about him from my some family members. But I'm surprised at his behaviour to me.
                            Thanks..how do i politely say no? or do you think second chance can be given?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Maybe you dont need to say yes or no. Based on my experience not saying anything gets the message across that you arent interested

                              Comment

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