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Unmarried mother as a result of rape. No parents want their Son to marry me

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  • Unmarried mother as a result of rape. No parents want their Son to marry me

    I have a child as a result of being raped. I knew that having a child would make it more difficult for me to meet someone as it is a dealbreaker for some people but never expected it to be this difficult.
    However the issue I am facing is not with men but their parents. On several occasions a man has wanted to proceed with marriage and been fully accepting of the fact I have a child but once he has discussed with my parents that I have a child they immediately say they don’t think he should marry me. My Son is 7.
    They know my child is the result of rape and I’ve had no consensual sexual contact but it makes no difference.
    I am a revert but I’ve always been religious and never consented to any sexual acts outside of marriage.
    At first I accepted these rejections but now it has started to break my heart. I am 31 and feel I will never get married.
    In my culture parental opinion isn’t even sought before marriage so this is so strange for me.
    I was hoping to meet someone conservative but it seems the conservative men are the ones more likely to be very strict about following in their parents wishes and since the men themselves seem to accept that I’m a parent I’d have more luck proceeding to marriage with someone who is willing to marry someone their parents wouldn’t choose themselves.

    I find it so sad that someone can accept me and my child but then reject marriage because their parents don’t want them to marry someone with a child. i wonder sometimes if they don’t believe I was raped and think I have committed haram acts.

    I am of course praying for marriage. I especially want to get married so that my Son can have a male Muslim in his life.

    I don’t know what to do now as this situation has played out so many times. I don’t want to marry someone who has a child as my Son would struggle with that for reasons I won’t go into.

    Can anyone advise me On what to do to combat this issue of parental disapproval I am facing so that I can find a good husband?

  • #2
    To be honest, I think it has more to do with you having a child than you being raped. Obviously rape could also be a disadvantage but I don't think its the primary reason. Usually, men without kids are expected to marry women without kids, at least from what I've seen around me. Even if the man himself is ok with it, the mother is sometimes not.

    Also, if a man decides not to marry you simply because his mother said no, that says a lot about what kind of a husband he would be if he had married you. You would have had a husband who keeps listening to every word that comes out of his mom's mouth. I don't think this type of man would make a good husband. I think the best type of potential husband is the one who is religious but not so traditional.

    So what do you do? Keep making dua. If Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) wants you to get married, nothing will and can be an obstacle. He is the all-Powerful and all-Compassionate. Trust in Him.

    Either He will accept your prayer and grant you a good husband. Or He will decide it's better for you to stay single as a test in this world and reward you with the best husband in the afterlife. Whatever He does is whatever is best for you.

    I remember reading a beautiful analogy in Ustadh Bediuzzaman's book. He says imagine there is a child in the hospital who asks a doctor to him a certain type of medicine. The doctor will either give that medicine (if it is what the child needs), or he will give a better medicine which is more effective, or (in the case that it's harmful) refuse to give it. Whatever the doctor does is for the best interests of the child, even if the child is unaware of that.

    Comment


    • #3
      السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
      I think I may need to add to the comment above. Ukhti, I've known many many women who have gotten married after they got divorced and had children. Many. Even here in the Middle East. A woman who has many children and is older than you has gotten married, but she became his second wife. Another sister had a child from a relationship from before she became Muslim and she got a husband who has not been married before. These are just two examples but I know plenty more. I don't think it necessarily has to do with only having a child, it can be a combination of multiple things but Allaahu a3lam.

      And unlike the comment above, I actually think it's admirable when a man cares enough about his parents to accept their wishes in finding a suitable spouse. Granted they're not refusing everyone and aren't completely irrational. You're not only marrying him, but also in to the family. I think a man who respects his elders is in turn respectable.

      Just make du3a ukhti, rely and put your trust in Allaah. Be content with what He has decreed for you. Use this time learning about the religion and getting closer to Him. It's natural to want companionship, but please don't put all your energy towards it. Please try to attain knowledge and cultivate your child upon religious righteousness. Use the time you have now to work on yourself and be a better Muslim and when it's decreed for you to find a husband, you won't be able to escape from it. It just saddens me a little when I see sisters who are so focused on getting married that it's wearing them down and instead of putting their focus on building a relationship with Allaah, they kind of lose themselves. Please don't let that happen to you ukhti, may Allaah give you good.

      Especially as a revert, I know how important it can feel to want a Muslim family. I don't know how long you've been a revert for, but I reverted when I was young and have been Muslim for 10 years now. I've gone through a phase like yours, especially since I didn't have a family unit and was unable to find good sisters to take as companions since I've always been a bit more conservative than the sisters my age back then. Take it from me ukhti, I can't tell you how much I regret not using my time better. Don't busy yourself with the future because it's in the hands of Allaah, try to work on the now and try to seek knowledge. This will be a remedy for much of the hurt and hardship you're going through inshaaAllaah. I would've protected myself from much had I just focused on the right things. قدر الله وماشاء فعل

      Not only for yourself, but also for your non Muslim family. Seek knowledge so you will be able to call them towards Islaam. Something really really great has happened, something I'll probably cherish more than any other thing.. both my parents became Muslim! Allaahu Akbar. Make du3a for your parents as well ukhti, not saying you don't already, but please don't put all of your focus in finding a husband. It's not worth your heartbreak and there may be many better things awaiting you, wa Allaahu a3lam.
      Last edited by TazkiyyatunNafs; 24-11-20, 10:11 AM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by TazkiyyatunNafs View Post
        السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

        Especially as a revert, .
        Are you African American? because a lot of converts to Islam in America are African American.

        Assalamu Alaykom Sister
        ALLAH AL-ATHEEM created everything. Therefore ALLAH AL-ATHEEM created the earth and everything in the earth and created all of the heavens and everything in all of these heavens and created all of the hells and everything in all of these hells and created all of the universes and everything in all of these universes and created everything in between them.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by ABDEL-ATHEEM View Post

          Are you African American? because a lot of converts to Islam in America are African American.

          Assalamu Alaykom Sister
          وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته
          I'm not from the US so not African American either.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by RevertSana View Post
            I have a child as a result of being raped. I knew that having a child would make it more difficult for me to meet someone as it is a dealbreaker for some people but never expected it to be this difficult.
            However the issue I am facing is not with men but their parents. On several occasions a man has wanted to proceed with marriage and been fully accepting of the fact I have a child but once he has discussed with my parents that I have a child they immediately say they don’t think he should marry me. My Son is 7.
            They know my child is the result of rape and I’ve had no consensual sexual contact but it makes no difference.
            I am a revert but I’ve always been religious and never consented to any sexual acts outside of marriage.
            At first I accepted these rejections but now it has started to break my heart. I am 31 and feel I will never get married.
            In my culture parental opinion isn’t even sought before marriage so this is so strange for me.
            I was hoping to meet someone conservative but it seems the conservative men are the ones more likely to be very strict about following in their parents wishes and since the men themselves seem to accept that I’m a parent I’d have more luck proceeding to marriage with someone who is willing to marry someone their parents wouldn’t choose themselves.

            I find it so sad that someone can accept me and my child but then reject marriage because their parents don’t want them to marry someone with a child. i wonder sometimes if they don’t believe I was raped and think I have committed haram acts.

            I am of course praying for marriage. I especially want to get married so that my Son can have a male Muslim in his life.

            I don’t know what to do now as this situation has played out so many times. I don’t want to marry someone who has a child as my Son would struggle with that for reasons I won’t go into.

            Can anyone advise me On what to do to combat this issue of parental disapproval I am facing so that I can find a good husband?
            in shaa ALLAH You should marry another revert brother because they tend to be more accepting and more open minded than us born muslim brothers and do not have the muslim family that will influence him against you.

            May ALLAH AL-MUNTAQIM avenge you always from the rape that has been done to you and protect you and your child from all evil always and shower you and your child with the most extremely magnificent blessings always. Aameen!


            Assalamu Alaykom Sister
            Last edited by ABDEL-ATHEEM; 24-11-20, 10:09 AM.
            ALLAH AL-ATHEEM created everything. Therefore ALLAH AL-ATHEEM created the earth and everything in the earth and created all of the heavens and everything in all of these heavens and created all of the hells and everything in all of these hells and created all of the universes and everything in all of these universes and created everything in between them.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by TazkiyyatunNafs View Post

              وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته
              I'm not from the US so not African American either.
              Jazaaki ALLAHU Khayraan Katheeraan for answering my question.
              ALLAH AL-ATHEEM created everything. Therefore ALLAH AL-ATHEEM created the earth and everything in the earth and created all of the heavens and everything in all of these heavens and created all of the hells and everything in all of these hells and created all of the universes and everything in all of these universes and created everything in between them.

              Comment


              • #8
                Thank you for the replies. I am feeling very down today. This man I met was a truly good man and I could understand if the parents rejected me based if I was an Atheist or Hindu. Something like that. But to reject me based on the fact I had a child is unreasonable if their son is happy to accept this.
                i feel they would be more accepting if he had broke the news over time rather than in one go. They have not met me and I also feel they would have accepted me if they could actually meet and see me. They have not rejected me as they don’t know me. Only rejected the idea of him marrying someone with a child.
                I don’t want to marry a revert as I feel it would be the blind leading the blind. I wanted to marry someone with strong knowledge of Islam.
                I have tried to be happy single. For years I tried to live my life and be happy but deep down I cannot do this anymore.
                i am so unhappy being single. I want to be married for the emotional support. To be part of a team.
                I can’t move forward with my life as this is all I want.
                I am so weary now.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by RevertSana View Post
                  Thank you for the replies. I am feeling very down today. This man I met was a truly good man and I could understand if the parents rejected me based if I was an Atheist or Hindu. Something like that. But to reject me based on the fact I had a child is unreasonable if their son is happy to accept this.
                  i feel they would be more accepting if he had broke the news over time rather than in one go. They have not met me and I also feel they would have accepted me if they could actually meet and see me. They have not rejected me as they don’t know me. Only rejected the idea of him marrying someone with a child.
                  I don’t want to marry a revert as I feel it would be the blind leading the blind. I wanted to marry someone with strong knowledge of Islam.
                  I have tried to be happy single. For years I tried to live my life and be happy but deep down I cannot do this anymore.
                  i am so unhappy being single. I want to be married for the emotional support. To be part of a team.
                  I can’t move forward with my life as this is all I want.
                  I am so weary now.
                  in shaa ALLAH You should continue to pray duaa to ALLAH AL-WAHHAB always and never despair because ALLAH AL-ATHEEM will do what is best for you and your child always. Revert brothers can have stronger knowledge of Islam than a born muslim brother because it all depends on the individual muslim brother and please do not make assumptions in shaa ALLAH in the future.

                  May ALLAH AL-WAHHAB give Sister RevertSana the most extremely best chaste mumin husband and make him never ever cheat on her always and make him love her only and always and make him financially support her always so she will never have to work always and make their marriage together be the most extremely happiest successful marriage always and give them a lot of the best mumineen children who will be the greatest joy to their eyes always in this world always and reunite them all in the hereafter in the highest level of Jannah always. Aameen!
                  Last edited by ABDEL-ATHEEM; 24-11-20, 10:43 AM.
                  ALLAH AL-ATHEEM created everything. Therefore ALLAH AL-ATHEEM created the earth and everything in the earth and created all of the heavens and everything in all of these heavens and created all of the hells and everything in all of these hells and created all of the universes and everything in all of these universes and created everything in between them.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by RevertSana View Post
                    I have a child as a result of being raped. I knew that having a child would make it more difficult for me to meet someone as it is a dealbreaker for some people but never expected it to be this difficult.
                    However the issue I am facing is not with men but their parents. On several occasions a man has wanted to proceed with marriage and been fully accepting of the fact I have a child but once he has discussed with my parents that I have a child they immediately say they don’t think he should marry me. My Son is 7.
                    They know my child is the result of rape and I’ve had no consensual sexual contact but it makes no difference.
                    I am a revert but I’ve always been religious and never consented to any sexual acts outside of marriage.
                    At first I accepted these rejections but now it has started to break my heart. I am 31 and feel I will never get married.
                    In my culture parental opinion isn’t even sought before marriage so this is so strange for me.
                    I was hoping to meet someone conservative but it seems the conservative men are the ones more likely to be very strict about following in their parents wishes and since the men themselves seem to accept that I’m a parent I’d have more luck proceeding to marriage with someone who is willing to marry someone their parents wouldn’t choose themselves.

                    I find it so sad that someone can accept me and my child but then reject marriage because their parents don’t want them to marry someone with a child. i wonder sometimes if they don’t believe I was raped and think I have committed haram acts.

                    I am of course praying for marriage. I especially want to get married so that my Son can have a male Muslim in his life.

                    I don’t know what to do now as this situation has played out so many times. I don’t want to marry someone who has a child as my Son would struggle with that for reasons I won’t go into.

                    Can anyone advise me On what to do to combat this issue of parental disapproval I am facing so that I can find a good husband?
                    Assalamu alaikum ukhti

                    May Allah SWT make it easy for you and grant you a righteouss husband, someone who is a real mu'min.
                    ​​​​​​

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by TazkiyyatunNafs View Post
                      And unlike the comment above, I actually think it's admirable when a man cares enough about his parents to accept their wishes in finding a suitable spouse. Granted they're not refusing everyone and aren't completely irrational. You're not only marrying him, but also in to the family. I think a man who respects his elders is in turn respectable.
                      I think I was misunderstood. I also think its admirable for a man to respect his parents and elders. But there is a huge difference between a man who respects his parents in every matter and a man who obeys his parents in every matter.

                      You should always be respectful to your parents, but you aren't supposed to obey them when they tell you to do something unethical (such as rejecting a potential spouse simply because she was the victim of rape). In such cases you should refuse to obey but still be respectful to them.

                      If a man obeys his parents in everything with no regard to whether its ethical or not, this could cause serious problems after marriage. Somebody who is very close to me married a man like this, and whenever there was a problem between his mother and his wife, he always used to side with his mother (regardless of the situation and regardless of who was right or wrong). Unfortunately, this marriage ended in a divorce...

                      A man who obeys his parents in every single thing (even when he knows there is no Islamic basis to what his parents are saying) is simply not ready for marraige.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by RevertSana View Post
                        Thank you for the replies. I am feeling very down today. This man I met was a truly good man and I could understand if the parents rejected me based if I was an Atheist or Hindu. Something like that. But to reject me based on the fact I had a child is unreasonable if their son is happy to accept this.
                        i feel they would be more accepting if he had broke the news over time rather than in one go. They have not met me and I also feel they would have accepted me if they could actually meet and see me. They have not rejected me as they don’t know me. Only rejected the idea of him marrying someone with a child.
                        I don’t want to marry a revert as I feel it would be the blind leading the blind. I wanted to marry someone with strong knowledge of Islam.
                        I have tried to be happy single. For years I tried to live my life and be happy but deep down I cannot do this anymore.
                        i am so unhappy being single. I want to be married for the emotional support. To be part of a team.
                        I can’t move forward with my life as this is all I want.
                        I am so weary now.
                        Sister don't be upset. If he is rejecting you for something that has no basis in Islam (just because his parents said so), then he is not ready for marriage. I think Allah saved you from a possibly difficult marriage. I know its very painful for you, but insha'Allah God will send somebody better than him.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          He also lives 2000 miles away from them and has moved to the U.K. to start a new life so they wouldn’t physically be close at all. He said he will discuss with them again but he’s not expecting them to change their mind.
                          This is not an Islamic reason for rejecting a potential spouse and to me seems so wrong.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by RevertSana View Post
                            I have a child as a result of being raped. I knew that having a child would make it more difficult for me to meet someone as it is a dealbreaker for some people but never expected it to be this difficult.
                            However the issue I am facing is not with men but their parents. On several occasions a man has wanted to proceed with marriage and been fully accepting of the fact I have a child but once he has discussed with my parents that I have a child they immediately say they don’t think he should marry me. My Son is 7.
                            They know my child is the result of rape and I’ve had no consensual sexual contact but it makes no difference.
                            I am a revert but I’ve always been religious and never consented to any sexual acts outside of marriage.
                            At first I accepted these rejections but now it has started to break my heart. I am 31 and feel I will never get married.
                            In my culture parental opinion isn’t even sought before marriage so this is so strange for me.
                            I was hoping to meet someone conservative but it seems the conservative men are the ones more likely to be very strict about following in their parents wishes and since the men themselves seem to accept that I’m a parent I’d have more luck proceeding to marriage with someone who is willing to marry someone their parents wouldn’t choose themselves.

                            I find it so sad that someone can accept me and my child but then reject marriage because their parents don’t want them to marry someone with a child. i wonder sometimes if they don’t believe I was raped and think I have committed haram acts.

                            I am of course praying for marriage. I especially want to get married so that my Son can have a male Muslim in his life.

                            I don’t know what to do now as this situation has played out so many times. I don’t want to marry someone who has a child as my Son would struggle with that for reasons I won’t go into.

                            Can anyone advise me On what to do to combat this issue of parental disapproval I am facing so that I can find a good husband?
                            Assalamu alaikum sister,

                            I'm sorry to hear that you have been rejected so much. As mentioned by Artus above, other Muslimas who have a child will probably find it a bit more difficult to find a husband too. But there are lots of men out there who are ok with marrying someone who has a child, and lots of parents who will accept for their son a Muslima who has a child.

                            You just have to keep looking insha'Allah. Even Muslimas who have not got any children might find it difficult to find the ideal husband, it's just a waiting game that many go through, but eventually, you will succeed insha'Allah. Think of it as a statistics game, perhaps (for example) 1/100 Muslim men will be interested in marrying you, and if that was the case, you would statistically need to begin talks with 100 potential suitors in order to find the perfect one who matches with you. So, the solution would be to speak to more potential matches, to increase the likelihood of finding that 1/100.

                            -There isn't much you can do about parents who won't accept you, and perhaps your better off (in the long run) not convincing their parents anyways, because you would rather wait until you find a family that will welcome and respect you.


                            "Allaah, may He be blessed and exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

                            “it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good”

                            [al-Nisa’ 4:19]

                            “and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allaah knows but you do not know”

                            [al-Baqarah 2:216].

                            It was narrated that Ibn ‘Abbaas said: I was riding behind the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) one day and he said: “O boy, I shall teach you some words. Be mindful Allaah and He will take care of you. Be mindful of Allaah and He will protect you. If you ask then ask of Allaah, and if you seek help then seek help from Allaah. Know that if the nation were to gather together to benefit you in some way, they would not benefit you except in something that Allaah has decreed for you, and if they were to gather together to harm you in some way, they would not harm you except in something that Allaah has decreed for you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (2516)."

                            (Source IslamQA.info)


                            Remember also that Allah test people to see if they

                            "Undoubtedly the greater the trial is, the more the reward increases, and when Allah loves a people, He tests them; in the testing of a person there is great wisdom and many benefits, in this world and in the hereafter."


                            The help of Allah is near insha'Allah:

                            "He only delays it for certain significant reasons. The one who has strong faith and true certainty will realise that it is indeed near as the Lord, may He be exalted, has told us.

                            Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

                            “Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, ‘When (will come) the Help of Allah?’ Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near!”

                            [al-Baqarah 2:214].

                            Imam Ibn Jareer at-Tabari (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

                            What this means is: Or do you think that you, O believers in Allah and His Messenger, will enter Paradise without anything befalling you like that which befell those who came before you among the followers of the Prophets and Messengers, of hardship, trials and tests? You will be tested as they were tested, with “severe poverty”, which is severe hardship and want, and “ailments”, which is pain and sickness. But you have not yet been shaken as they were shaken, i.e., you have not yet suffered extreme fear and terror at the hands of your enemy, so that you think that the help of Allah is slow in coming and you say “When will Allah help us?” Then Allah told them that His help was near to them, and that He would cause them to prevail over the enemy and defeat them. Then He fulfilled what He had promised them, and made their word supreme, and extinguished the flames of war lit by those who disbelieved.

                            End quote from Tafseer at-Tabari (4/288)

                            (Source IslamQA.info)
                            www.puremuslimmatch.com

                            *The Free Marriage Agency for practising Muslims*

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by RevertSana View Post
                              He also lives 2000 miles away from them and has moved to the U.K. to start a new life so they wouldn’t physically be close at all. He said he will discuss with them again but he’s not expecting them to change their mind.
                              This is not an Islamic reason for rejecting a potential spouse and to me seems so wrong.
                              You should marry a muslim man who lives near by to you in shaa ALLAH because long distance marriages are going to be extremely difficult to succeed.
                              ALLAH AL-ATHEEM created everything. Therefore ALLAH AL-ATHEEM created the earth and everything in the earth and created all of the heavens and everything in all of these heavens and created all of the hells and everything in all of these hells and created all of the universes and everything in all of these universes and created everything in between them.

                              Comment

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