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  • Help! Wife not maintaining her physical fitness

    Hi everyone. New member here, and I have a question to ask, especially to the sisters here.

    I’ve been married nearly 3 years to my wife who I love a lot, however I have one major issue. My wife doesn’t like maintaining her physical image ... at all. She’s a foodie at heart and has never been one of those girls who take their physical fitness seriously. When we got married she did a crash diet just to “look good” at the wedding, but since then has again gained the weight she had before, and probably more. She gave birth to our daughter almost 2 years ago, and has promised me many times that she’ll loose weight, but then never takes it very seriously.

    In fact, she has also reached pre-diabetic range and has been seeing a dietitian to control her blood sugar, but still she isn’t motivated to change her lifestyle all that much.

    Because of this, I feel my sexual attractiveness towards her is quickly decreasing, and I don’t know what to do. She wants me to show interest in her sexually, but I don’t know how to do that when I’m not finding her sexually attractive all that much. I feel so bad because of this whole situation, I don’t know what to do.

    I have tried speaking to her several times politely ever since our marriage about this, that I want to see her not be overweight at least. She always promises that she’ll work on it, but never does.

    What do I do ??? I love her so much otherwise, but I can’t find her attractive and this is causing issues in our marriage.

  • #2
    Assalamualaikum brother.
    I cannot advise you myself, not being married...but I found an excellent answer to your questions:

    https://aboutislam.net/counseling/as...eel-disguised/

    It has detailed answers that will help you, InshaAllah.
    “ O Controller of hearts! Make my heart firm on Your religion 💞”

    Comment


    • #3
      Why don’t you say that YOU want to get healthy and ban all junk in the house and encourage her to cook healthily because you want to be healthy? Get her on board this way. Start meal planning and take a bit of responsibility too by doing the grocery shopping, making sure your house is stocked up with fruit and veg etc

      Basically, start being really healthy yourself and hope that she follows you.

      https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Layla_ View Post
        Why don’t you say that YOU want to get healthy and ban all junk in the house and encourage her to cook healthily because you want to be healthy? Get her on board this way. Start meal planning and take a bit of responsibility too by doing the grocery shopping, making sure your house is stocked up with fruit and veg etc

        Basically, start being really healthy yourself and hope that she follows you.
        This is good advice.

        I would also add that she sounded abit chunky before marriage so by getting married you accepted the situation. Asking people to change for you is always a big ask.

        Finally, if she want's "attention" then tell her to chase you around the house.

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        • #5
          One more thing,..it is a duty on both spouses to beautify themselves for eachother.
          “ O Controller of hearts! Make my heart firm on Your religion 💞”

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          • #6
            Does she know you're not attracted to her because of her weight?

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            • #7
              As a woman myself, I would say honesty is the best policy. If she loves you too, the only thing on her mind should be, to be attractive to you. Tell her she needs to loose weight because you don't find her sexually attractive, it will motivate her to loose weight. She's obviously very comfortable that's why the 'talks' don't bother her and be more stern with it.

              Comment


              • #8
                If you knew of her size before she went on the "crash diet" for the wedding, then I don't think you can really complain. It is hard to make someone do something they don't want to do, however much gentle encouragement you provide.

                Go ahead and remove all junk food from the house etc but I doubt it will do any good. Either learn to find that look attractive or maybe open her eyes to the fact that she has a responsibility to her kids and family to keep healthy for their sake, even if she isn't concerned about her own health. People usually only wake up to change once the alternative is just too unacceptable for them. Guess you have to find out what that is for her.

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                • #9
                  Maybe she's taken the new being chubby trend too srs and thinks she's doing well in that category?

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                  • #10
                    Thankyou guys for the responses.

                    Yep I agree that both spouses need to look good for one another. I myself am not a very athletic person and am overweight somewhat too, but the difference is I do realize the importance of fitness. I have expressed my desire to keep myself fit several times with my wife, but she says its not needed and that I'm fine. She often gives me snacks and food which I know isn't healthy, and I feel I shouldn't be saying 'no' to her all the time because of her migraine issue (see below).

                    I thought of the suggested plan too, to improve myself which would hopefully encourage her to improve herself. But honestly the difference is how we both value and prioritize the concept of 'loosing weight'. I *want* to but have not fully started it because of life's issues, work schedules, and to some extent being lazy. But my wife doesn't prioritize it because she *just doesn't want to*. I feel she has time in her schedule to be regular at exercising, but she doesn't do that. She asked me to buy her a moderately prices exercise bike some months ago and that she'll use it. I did buy it for her, but now on most days we're just using it as a towel drying stand :/ ...... But yes, maybe I need to take this plan of me first improving myself more first, and hopefully she'll follow the lead inshaAllah.

                    Regarding my wife knowing "that I don't find her sexually attractive". Well, I've never said this to her exactly like that, but I have hinted her 3-4 times this year that "I need to find her sexually attracted". Basically a toned down version just so I don't hurt her feelings. I am very careful with my words because she gets very very upset at times. In fact, she sometimes gets so upset about marital issues that she gets migraine attacks every week or so, so I try not to say such things to her if I can, to preserve her mental health.

                    Regarding the idea that I accepted this thinking of her when we married ....... yeah I guess that might be true in some way. The fact is we were married in a very traditional way where we only saw each other a few times before getting married, so there was not a lot of opportunity where I could properly notice her weight issues and talk to her about it beforehand. Also, although she's a very nice girl and I welcomed the idea of marrying her, my family kinda also forced me indrectly to say 'yes', because they also liked her character and my dad knew her dad, etc. So things just happened in a certain way and I was basically just "going with the flow", without having time to think things through that much. Maybe this is my fault too, but the fact that I was finally able to marry someone despite being in my early 30s, simply made me less objective about it.

                    I really want her to change and be more attractive, and the idea that that may never happen .... is scaring the shit out of me right now :(.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      My suggestion is dnt tell her to lose weight because you find her unattractive. Reason being it will hit her like the transpennine express and really knock her confidence which will cause all kinds of problems for her and for you and for your daughter.

                      Secondly and probably more importantly, post pregnancy weight is a huge problem for women and us men need to understand that and accept that.
                      Ill be honest and tell you clearly that my wife put loads of weight on too after our son was born. Every women does. We should understand thats normal and still show the same level of affection as before if we want a happy marriage.

                      Encourage her to lose weight by only talking to her about her sugar levels being too high and your concern for her health more than anything else.
                      InshaAllah things will get better for both of you.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by confusedhusband View Post
                        Thankyou guys for the responses.

                        Yep I agree that both spouses need to look good for one another. I myself am not a very athletic person and am overweight somewhat too, but the difference is I do realize the importance of fitness. I have expressed my desire to keep myself fit several times with my wife, but she says its not needed and that I'm fine. She often gives me snacks and food which I know isn't healthy, and I feel I shouldn't be saying 'no' to her all the time because of her migraine issue (see below).

                        I thought of the suggested plan too, to improve myself which would hopefully encourage her to improve herself. But honestly the difference is how we both value and prioritize the concept of 'loosing weight'. I *want* to but have not fully started it because of life's issues, work schedules, and to some extent being lazy. But my wife doesn't prioritize it because she *just doesn't want to*. I feel she has time in her schedule to be regular at exercising, but she doesn't do that. She asked me to buy her a moderately prices exercise bike some months ago and that she'll use it. I did buy it for her, but now on most days we're just using it as a towel drying stand :/ ...... But yes, maybe I need to take this plan of me first improving myself more first, and hopefully she'll follow the lead inshaAllah.

                        Regarding my wife knowing "that I don't find her sexually attractive". Well, I've never said this to her exactly like that, but I have hinted her 3-4 times this year that "I need to find her sexually attracted". Basically a toned down version just so I don't hurt her feelings. I am very careful with my words because she gets very very upset at times. In fact, she sometimes gets so upset about marital issues that she gets migraine attacks every week or so, so I try not to say such things to her if I can, to preserve her mental health.

                        Regarding the idea that I accepted this thinking of her when we married ....... yeah I guess that might be true in some way. The fact is we were married in a very traditional way where we only saw each other a few times before getting married, so there was not a lot of opportunity where I could properly notice her weight issues and talk to her about it beforehand. Also, although she's a very nice girl and I welcomed the idea of marrying her, my family kinda also forced me indrectly to say 'yes', because they also liked her character and my dad knew her dad, etc. So things just happened in a certain way and I was basically just "going with the flow", without having time to think things through that much. Maybe this is my fault too, but the fact that I was finally able to marry someone despite being in my early 30s, simply made me less objective about it.

                        I really want her to change and be more attractive, and the idea that that may never happen .... is scaring the shit out of me right now :(.
                        How old are you both now?

                        If she was on the chubby side before marriage then she most likely will remain like that especially if shes over 30 now. Also you're most likely going to remain same weight.

                        So its much nicer to loose weight together as a couple and to not make it all about her and her weight. Communication is key so talk with her about it and make small changes daily to improve your selves.
                        Last edited by Flawed; 17-10-20, 09:43 PM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Encourage her to go for walks with you.

                          Tell her you both need to cut down on processed foods and limit them.

                          Start a workout program together.

                          Make it a couples thing rather than just pointing it at her.

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                          • #14
                            Put the effort in trying to get healthy together first and see how that goes. Try to be positive about it.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              She needs some motivation, leave your laptop open with muzmatch.com loaded up.

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