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  • Help! Caught Wife Smoking

    Assalaamalikum brothers & sisters,

    Insha'Allah you're all keeping well. I have been on these forums many times reading various threads/posts etc & now I have a problem of my own which I am hoping I can have some guidance towards. Sorry for the long post.

    So my wife & I will have been married alhumdulilah for 2 years this June gone - Just like all marriages we've had our up & downs but in general it's been ok alhumdulilah - Could it better, yes of course. Just a bit of background, we lived at home with my parents for 3 months before moving into our own place which we bought together. We furnished it etc and alhumdulilah from that perspective all is well. We have no kids yet & although she is pushing, I have said I am not ready yet (will come to my reasons later).

    My wife is a good person as in she works, prays 5 times salah/quran (this was with me helping & guiding her although initially she resisted so I don't whether she's doing it by force for me or for the love Allah SWT) she does house stuff which I equally help her with - It is literally 50/50 in our household so she can't complain about that. When she wants something, wants to go somewhere or it's in her favour she's the lovliest person in the world but when I say no to her with certain things & explain the reasonings behind them she just doesn't want to listen. She goes mardi, into a mood & then when it really kicks off, her foul mouth tirade of abuse with full on swearing & insult towards me & my family start. She has insulted me, my dad, my sister (not directly to them but to me) & I have been very patient. I don't swear because I haven't been brought up that way & have never insulted her family in any form. I have a calm approach to things & my idea is to discuss & talk whereas she thinks whoever speaks loudest & swears wins & is right. No one is perfect, I am not perfect at all & there's two sides to every story & admittedly I am also at fault. She says I don't listen & it's always my way so over the last few months I have learnt to think before I speak & make decisions & the last 4 arguments have been instigated by her & then she's apologised thereafter knowing she was in the wrong. She also has a habit of lying over the smallest of things & I have caught her out many times & apparently it's been my fault.. So quite manipulative. I don't know whether it's my soft & calm nature that she's taking advantage of but if I was naive, I am no longer & I am at a crossroads as to what to do next.

    So just a couple of days ago I caught my wife smoking in the house - Basically I had gone out on a few errands & unexpectedly came home early to find the chain on the door. She does sometimes do this when she's home alone & she always told me it's to feel secure which is absolutely fine & I encourage it especially when I go for salah or I am out with my mates, either playing football & gone out to eat... I came into the house & could smell a strong smell of cigarette smoke so I went & checked outside in the back garden as our neighbours smoke but nothing - In order to hide the smell, she sprayed the dining room & had some juice to drink - I quickly confronted her because I questioned about smoking about 5-6 months when again, I came home early from an errands & could smell cigarette smoke - She denied it & blamed dodgy candle waxes - I didn't push because I couldn't actually believe she would do something like that and being her husband trusted her & left it - I didn't ask to smell her mouth. This time around, I asked to smell her mouth and she said fine & I could smell cigarettes from her mouth. She denied it that it's not her etc and walked away into the main lounge - I then went closer to her and basically said to her she's been smoking & to come clean or else I'll escalate it. She says it's been 6 months but could be longer because genuinely I don't know. It's been one cigarette a day & considering we've been in lockdown & at home for pretty much all of it, I don't when she been smoking when I've been at home. Maybe whilst I've been in the shower, on meetings upstairs, I don't know. But her little sly trips to the supermarket randomly or going to fill her car up as an excuse to get fresh air on late evening has got me thinking.

    Just as an add on, she dropped a receipt going back about 10 months ago in the bedroom which I found & she had bought cigarettes - After the initial denial as she thought I had no proof, she said it was for a work colleague who was having a hard time & she had been buying it for her - Apparently she was doing her a favour and thought nothing wrong - I couldn't understand how a married Muslim woman thought it was OK but forgave her - Now it's got me thinking whether these were for her.

    When we have disagreements, she'll walk out of the house, jump in her car & go for a drive. I am now guessing, she's probably gone for a smoke.

    After confronting her, I went out for drive, parked up on a side street just to get my thoughts together. When I came home she went into total flip mode & after initially admitting she was wrong etc & apologised & made a huge mistake, she blamed it all on me & it was all my fault. She started to get her clothes together & said she's going to find alternative accommodation to stay & didn't want to go to her parents because they would 'kill her'. She wouldn't tell me where she was planning on going so I stopped her & talked some sense into her - Admittedly if she was going to her parents, I would have let her go for headspace for both of us & I knew she would be safe - But despite what she had done & the way she is, it is still my responsibility for her to be safe & I used my better nature to stop her - She had a mood for the rest of the night, slamming doors when closing them & just general aggression. Although she's done wrong, I'm getting the brunt of it - Again seems quite manipulative.

    Eventually she admitted it all and that she's been smoking for 6 months due to stress, due to me not wanting children & due to our disagreements. Our disagreements could be about anything but because in her words 'You're not my dad.... my dad didn't tell me so who the hell are you' I am just suppose to accept everything she says/does So coming to kids, I don't feel we as a couple are ready for children - Her mouth is awful & I cannot envisage bringing up a child in such an environment. She has no respect for me & has openly said this - My respect and love for her it dwindling & because of her mouth & I don't want children to be brought up in such an environment & I fear that if we were to have children, she'll walk out of the house & take them to her parents' house or something & that is something i don't think I could accept. I've turned to Allah SWT in my time of need, she turned to cigarettes... The question where will she turn next although she said she would never do drugs or anything of that sort, how can I believe her when she's taken up smoking?

    Ibn Taymiyyah RA said, 'If a woman's tongue is long, then her days with her husband will be short'. Unfortunately it seems to be going this way in my marriage.

    Please advise with decent suggestions or advice, I just want guidance & I know one size doesn't fit all but I just want views on what to do next.

    JzkA Khair

  • #2
    salam alaykum wa rahmat allah
    when it comes to married couples issues we need to listen to both parts to make a just judgment however i will try to give you advice assuming all the things you said are 100% true
    i would like to ask you first when you first propesed to her was she a practising muslim ? did she pray all her prayers on time including fajr ? those actions of her are not ones of the muslim women
    muslim women dosent leave the house without her husband permision because he is the head of the house due to him being responsible for all her expenses and the house bills however if she is working and you tell her to help you to pay the bills while you can do fine without her help then there is a problem with you and you deserve her disobedience . women dosent need to work in islam because her husband cover all her expenses apart from the necessity of female only jobs like women doctor ect the majority of muslim women dosent need to work to earn her living because she allways have a wali who is taking care of her expenses either her father or husband ect.
    if you are paying all her expenses and you are not depriving her any of her rights then this behaviour might be due to her mixing with other people in the work especialy if there is men where she works this can be harmfull especialy where they can poison her head with liberal ideology and the more ignorant a muslim is with islamic teachings the more vunerable he/she is to disorting hes aqeeda if she is the only muslim in her workplace thats even worse.
    you are right about not rushing to have children especially in such toxic enviroment where their mother use foul language and i advice anyone reading this post to take time to understand hes/her life partner more before having children
    if you still have feelings towards her then you should have a talk look at all of your problems and try to solve them from an islamic prespective if both of you are trully muslims then you wont have issues accepting islam decision on wich of you is right or wrong.like for example leaving the house when you argue without your permision is a disgusting behaviour and she is definitly wrong here.both of you should also learn more about islam as this will make both of you better individuals and help her fight back the viciouse ideology war she might be having back at her workplace this will also help both of you fix your problems in the future.a good start is to ask her is she ever got any misconception thrown at her back at her workplace.she should also cut ties with bad women friends that might of influenced her to start smoking.if she have male friends then there is a big problem with both of you you need to work on yourself and develop ghayra for your family and she need to cut off these relationships emediatly
    .you should also try doing ruqya on her just in case she is inflicted with sihr or with a jinn you can watch this playlist to learn more
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2Gj...HOTXGWm7cCC4rL

    if you dont have feelings for her no more then divorce her there is no need to force yourself living with someone while there is too much women out there who will be a better replacement
    here is what to look for in a women before marrying her
    1 she must be a practising muslim and maintain all her daily fard prayers on time and if she does any type of voluntary worships like sunnah prayers or fasting that is even better
    2 if she dosent have a work that would be more preferable . if she work in a female only job like female doctor in her own clinic where there is no men around that is acceptable however dont expect alot of housework from her as she cant work 24/7 so be ready to help her in housework and you cant complain about it .if she works in a mixed job where she mix with other men then you should make it clear that she must leave her job in order for you to marry her but you must understand that in all thoise cases you are responsible for all her expenses and house bills .
    .

    Comment


    • #3
      You denying her the right to bear children seems to be the bigger issue than her smoking.

      She seems like a decent woman, MashaAllah who desires children and does not want to delay kids for frivolous reasons like career, having a large house, being absolutely sure about the relationship etc etc like some women do these days .

      The reason she's talking viciously to you is because she's frustrated, depressed & grown resentment towards you . She has most probably resorted to smoking because you're denying her the natural, innate, biological needs of becoming a mother. You're the cruel, heartless person here, so, stop playing the victim card.

      If you do not intend to have children with her, then you should not unnecessarily remain married to her. Islam places a great emphasis on having children, none of your reasons make sense.

      Set her free so that she can fulfill her parental dream and enjoy motherhood with someone more compatible.

      Comment


      • #4
        Why do you tolerate her verbal abuse, lying and manipulation? Sounds like a toxic marriage.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
          You denying her the right to bear children seems to be the bigger issue than her smoking.

          She seems like a decent woman, MashaAllah who desires children and does not want to delay kids for frivolous reasons like career, having a large house, being absolutely sure about the relationship etc etc like some women do these days .

          The reason she's talking viciously to you is because she's frustrated, depressed & grown resentment towards you . She has most probably resorted to smoking because you're denying her the natural, innate, biological needs of becoming a mother. You're the cruel, heartless person here, so, stop playing the victim card.

          If you do not intend to have children with her, then you should not unnecessarily remain married to her. Islam places a great emphasis on having children, none of your reasons make sense.

          Set her free so that she can fulfill her parental dream and enjoy motherhood with someone more compatible.
          I appreciate what you're saying and no I'm not playing the victim card. I have also said in my initial post that i am no way perfect and have my faults and flaws too. She is a good person when things are going well but doesn't know to handle being told no and the argument of 'you're not my dad.. you can't tell me what to do' isn't fair when most things I ask her to do are islamically inclined e.g. pray salah on time or don't listen to music in the house. She has a problem that i don't celebrate mothers day because i don't believe in and because of that i am called an extremist. It seems she was always allowed to do whatever she chose prior to marriage which unfortunately wasn't apparent prior to us getting married. I'm asking for views and advice before it ends up with the elders and I don't want to tarnish her good rep amongst my family.

          The awful language has been there about 5-6 weeks into the marriage, kids weren't even on the agenda until a year or so into the marriage, until we settled etc and found our feet so it's not got anything to do with that. Lies have been there from like day 3 of our honeymoon and the walking out from the house has been happening since we lived at my parents however I always back her up in front of them. In my mind, bad habits are hard to break and as an example, a woman can learn to cook but good manners you just can't learn if that makes sense? I was hoping 2 years into the marriage it would change and the penny would drop with her but it hasn't. The smoking has just taken it to another level.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
            Why do you tolerate her verbal abuse, lying and manipulation? Sounds like a toxic marriage.
            Because i dont just want to give up and throw the towel in. Divorce is frowned upon in Islam and it is the absolute last resort. Maybe I'm too soft, naive, I don't know.. being harsh isn't the way to do things because our prophet SAW never did things in a harsh manner and I am trying to be the best muslim/husband I can be.

            Comment


            • #7
              Damn bro
              Feel sorry for you
              ​​​​​​What you mean she is a good person when she abuses your family. Sorry she is not..... Period

              Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

              **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

              Comment


              • #8
                It's good you are also acknowledging your faults. What she is doing isn't right, but there might be something thing deeper here that is making her go crazy. It could be depression, it could be a dead/ill heart and it can even be sihr! If you want to save your marriage, take some steps to sort things out.

                Perhaps a good start would be to convince to go into counselling sessions. There might be some deep grounded issue she is not disclosing to you. Also, try to bring her to listen to talks of pious people. Try emulating the Messenger of Allah, sallAllahu alaihi wa sallam, in extra good treatment towards her. Spice the relationship up.

                I do agree that she really needs to sort her tongue out and realise the status of her husband according to Islam. Maybe you are controlling her a bit too much ? Review your own faults and work on self rectification. As for your wife, try the methods I have mentioned above. You might also need to ask a raaqi just to make sure there is nothing sinister happening.

                After giving it a seriously good try, do istikhaarah and ponder upon which route to take. Either stay and give her children by Allah's will, or leave and let her go.

                I don't know if this would work for an adult but why don't you try telling her that her mouth smells after she swears ? Try telling her to wash her mouth as it affects you. .. I know for children it works well, don't know about adults though... it's a bad bad habit that needs to be thrown out.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Muslimbrother1 View Post

                  I appreciate what you're saying and no I'm not playing the victim card. I have also said in my initial post that i am no way perfect and have my faults and flaws too. She is a good person when things are going well but doesn't know to handle being told no and the argument of 'you're not my dad.. you can't tell me what to do' isn't fair when most things I ask her to do are islamically inclined e.g. pray salah on time or don't listen to music in the house. She has a problem that i don't celebrate mothers day because i don't believe in and because of that i am called an extremist. It seems she was always allowed to do whatever she chose prior to marriage which unfortunately wasn't apparent prior to us getting married. I'm asking for views and advice before it ends up with the elders and I don't want to tarnish her good rep amongst my family.

                  The awful language has been there about 5-6 weeks into the marriage, kids weren't even on the agenda until a year or so into the marriage, until we settled etc and found our feet so it's not got anything to do with that. Lies have been there from like day 3 of our honeymoon and the walking out from the house has been happening since we lived at my parents however I always back her up in front of them. In my mind, bad habits are hard to break and as an example, a woman can learn to cook but good manners you just can't learn if that makes sense? I was hoping 2 years into the marriage it would change and the penny would drop with her but it hasn't. The smoking has just taken it to another level.
                  Dude didn't you see these signs before marriage, I mean 5 6 weeks surely it's a character trait.... And everything 50 50, still she not happy.

                  Did you even do your checks prior

                  Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

                  **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by muzzybee View Post

                    Dude didn't you see these signs before marriage, I mean 5 6 weeks surely it's a character trait.... And everything 50 50, still she not happy.

                    Did you even do your checks prior
                    Well.. this is the thing if a religious man or woman marries a non practising person. At first you think it will be OK and won't be a major problem till you get frustrated and annoyed with them for not being on your wavelength.

                    Thats why you should always marry someone on your wavelenght so they get you better.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Muslimbrother1 View Post

                      Because i dont just want to give up and throw the towel in. Divorce is frowned upon in Islam and it is the absolute last resort. Maybe I'm too soft, naive, I don't know.. being harsh isn't the way to do things because our prophet SAW never did things in a harsh manner and I am trying to be the best muslim/husband I can be.
                      I didn't mention divorce.

                      But you're just rolling over and accepting it.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I think the smoking, swearing etc just shows the type of lifestyle she was living prior..probably was putting on a goody two shoes act just to get married. 2 years is long enough to change...cut her loose and find someone decent.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
                          You denying her the right to bear children seems to be the bigger issue than her smoking.

                          She seems like a decent woman, MashaAllah who desires children and does not want to delay kids for frivolous reasons like career, having a large house, being absolutely sure about the relationship etc etc like some women do these days .

                          The reason she's talking viciously to you is because she's frustrated, depressed & grown resentment towards you . She has most probably resorted to smoking because you're denying her the natural, innate, biological needs of becoming a mother. You're the cruel, heartless person here, so, stop playing the victim card.

                          If you do not intend to have children with her, then you should not unnecessarily remain married to her. Islam places a great emphasis on having children, none of your reasons make sense.

                          Set her free so that she can fulfill her parental dream and enjoy motherhood with someone more compatible.
                          Wow.
                          You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

                          You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Tbh, I feel bad for both in this situation.

                            I feel awful for the husband who has to deal with such treatment. To be lied to and find out your partner is doing such things behind your back. It really shocks you to the core.

                            I feel bad for the wife as well because she seems unhappy probably due to not having children. It must be so painful to realize your husband does not want to have children with you because according to him you're not fit enough to be a mother.

                            My advice would be to seek marriage counseling if you both truly want one another at this point. However, if not, then it's best for you two to think of moving on and finding someone more compatible.

                            inshaAllah pray istikhara.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Muslimbrother1 View Post

                              I appreciate what you're saying and no I'm not playing the victim card. I have also said in my initial post that i am no way perfect and have my faults and flaws too. She is a good person when things are going well but doesn't know to handle being told no and the argument of 'you're not my dad.. you can't tell me what to do' isn't fair when most things I ask her to do are islamically inclined e.g. pray salah on time or don't listen to music in the house. She has a problem that i don't celebrate mothers day because i don't believe in and because of that i am called an extremist. It seems she was always allowed to do whatever she chose prior to marriage which unfortunately wasn't apparent prior to us getting married. I'm asking for views and advice before it ends up with the elders and I don't want to tarnish her good rep amongst my family.

                              The awful language has been there about 5-6 weeks into the marriage, kids weren't even on the agenda until a year or so into the marriage, until we settled etc and found our feet so it's not got anything to do with that. Lies have been there from like day 3 of our honeymoon and the walking out from the house has been happening since we lived at my parents however I always back her up in front of them. In my mind, bad habits are hard to break and as an example, a woman can learn to cook but good manners you just can't learn if that makes sense? I was hoping 2 years into the marriage it would change and the penny would drop with her but it hasn't. The smoking has just taken it to another level.
                              Ok. One of the major side-effects of using contraceptives (in any form) that most people are unaware of is that it causes mood swings and makes the woman extremely irritable, snappy and angry. She will not be her natural self.

                              If you say the problem started way earlier, then that's probably how her character is. Some negative traits that are developed in childhood never go away. A lying, manipulative person will never admit they're wrong. They will always shift the blame on you if you confront them with the truth. It's mentally draining to be with a person like that.

                              However, doing nothing about it won't automatically solve the issues. They'll only get worse with time.

                              You must stand your ground when it comes to Islamic things like not celebrating pagan festivals & no music in your house. What was acceptable at her parents' place should not be acceptable in your place by default. Employ hikmah and tact while explaining this to her.

                              Ask yourself how much you can put up with and what the dealbreakers for you are in this situation. When you're both in a good mood, sit down and have a heart to heart discussion with her about what's bothering you. She may/may not make efforts to change, but she'll atleast know your version.

                              Also, let her know the "exact" reasons you insist on delaying children with her. It's not fair upon her to keep her hanging. While you keep waiting for things to miraculously fall in place, she loses her prime child-bearing years. This is something which hurts a woman more deeply than you can imagine.

                              A spouse is supposed to bring sukoon and tranquility in your life, irrespective of whether one is happy or sad. If he/she doesn't, them there's something wrong in the marriage.

                              If you both can somehow manage to make the marriage work amongst yourselves, then well and good. If you cannot, then, you'll have to bring a third party to mediate and guide you.


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