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  • Should I get married... that is the question.

    Salaam all, I have been a long time joiner and I come here now and then but I think, I have come to a point where I need know which direction I should be going as there has been a lot of curve balls say in the last couple years that has 1 caused issues for parents not having trust me, trust between me and my brother/sister. 2 Issue with getting married as it wasn't hard enough but here is goes, it's an open house.

    Little background I am the eldest, I am 32 and not married, younger brother is married, settled, has moved out, has a son. I still live with parents, I work which keeps me going. Younger sister, she has finished uni and looking for work, but she has told me she likes a guy and vice versa, I know and so does my brother and that is all well and good. But she wants to get married in few years which is fine, and since that topic came about.

    I have been thinking about my situation. I have put my self in a serious back burner for the last couple years that has made getting married and having kids much more difficult. I been involved with the police and with that comes with certain conditions which I won't say. but lets just say this has made finding someone that much more difficult by a 100 fold.

    This situation has caused a lot of tension between myself and family but moreso my self deep within me, thinking back why I did what I did and I won't be off the police for some some years to come so finding a partner in my parents eyes is very hard.

    Meaning would a parent let her daughter marry someone that is involved with the police, with police keeping tabs on that person every now and then. I didn't think so. So with that in mind, they said being truthful to someone from the UK will be very hard as who will accept it and same goes for girls back home in Pakistan. Big no no of course.

    So me and dad have tried to think about it well moreso my dad on how to go around it but deep down I couldn't careless if I get married or not, this situation I am involved has made it difficult but is it really that bad, I mean I am not really financially stable, I am a yes man to my parents, do as I say don't argue and just here to make them happy.

    But they are not getting any younger, my sister will be married off so who will help my mum around the house when I am at work etc. Sure I can help on weekends but that won't be enough.

    Just feel the world is getting more difficult in that sense, as I have always told my self I don't see my self getting married. Even if it happens I don't want kids, I cant support a wife and family with my finance, it's barely average, I still live with parents. I can't afford to move out as it is too expensive.

    Also who knows what cousins, aunts or uncles might think about me, such as given my age, all cousins got married by their mid or late 20's and here I am in my early 30's.

    I have tried those matrimonial sites and so bad really is, they are just money stealing sites that is all I am going to say.

    I am more recluse than before as I don't sleep much with what I have done in my life, what pain and anger I caused my parents. I feel there is still no trust. I try to put on a smile on the outside which works, but deep down I know parents perhaps still hate me for what I did. I drove my brother and his wife out with what I had done hence they moved out. I have a not so great relationship with sister, don't involve myself in her life, she does what she wants.

    If anyone of the replies comment on deen, I am on my deen, pray, go Masjid when I can.

    My dad keeps telling me lets talk and make a plan but this was 2 years ago and nothing has been discussed. Doesn't help the fact that my dad is out of work, I only work in my household so I am saving what I can. He said lets discuss end of the year and see what happens, seeing what happens isn't what I wanna hear.

    I know with marriage it comes with a lot of Rizq but given the difficulties I have been in my life will marriage give me that peace or will it give me more stress and be more of a trial than anything else.

    This maybe a rant but has been bottled up for 2 years, my involvement with the police is on my record now and that as you may know has a lot of restrictions in what I can and can't do. This affects me job wise, travelling, having kids etc and affecting me mentally as I am always thinking about it, don't sleep much and have stopped eating much. This doesn't go unnoticed as parents keep asking why I am not eating, tell them not hungry.

    Sorry for spelling or grammar mistakes but don't proof read, just say what is on my mind.

    Wsalaam and hope all had a good Eid.

  • #2
    salam alaykum wa rahmat allah
    first thing the prophet told us to look for in the person who want to marry our women is hes religion not hes record with the police
    if you maintain all your daily fard prayers on time in the masjid including fajr and folow the quran and the sunnah then your religion is good . if you have a halal job and can cover all the expenses of your future wife then you are ready for marriage
    you can find muslim women to marry by telling your muslim friends or familly friends they can help you find someone islamic centers can be helpfull too however if the police keeps visiting you every now and then you need to tell this to the woman before marrying her because not all women might tolerate that . however be sure that there is good muslim sisters that will agree to marry you no matter what as long as you are a practising muslim that folow the quran and sunnah that is what truly matters

    Comment


    • #3
      It is imperative to remain positive when going through tough times and remain optimistic in the help of Allah swt. The dua of yunus is recommended in times of hardship.

      Try and maintain a positive outlook, be optimistic about the future. Be grateful for whatever you have etc. These may seem like moral platitudes but they are important to stop yourself spiraling down into depression and despair. First fix your mindset before bringing a wife into the equation.

      Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the world’s ending!

      None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post
        It is imperative to remain positive when going through tough times and remain optimistic in the help of Allah swt. The dua of yunus is recommended in times of hardship.

        Try and maintain a positive outlook, be optimistic about the future. Be grateful for whatever you have etc. These may seem like moral platitudes but they are important to stop yourself spiraling down into depression and despair. First fix your mindset before bringing a wife into the equation.

        I do understand and I am optimistic but at times when the marriage topic is entioned my parents keep delaying on when or if thru will even look for me. That means to even start looking and I know it can take time to find someone. But deep down I'm not content with my current job so I'm looking for other work feel living with parents I am not a man but a yes man. Have no control over my life.

        Don't feel I can find someone. I have no desires to get married or to have company but in constantly reminded by my dad I need company for to help me through the years ahead of me with police involvement and he said if I don't I could do other crap and situation could he worse.

        Seeing my brother and his wife and their son is a reminder of what I've done. I've broken my parents and siblings trust. I don't think I can support a wife. I have a halal job but it's not even close to support two people.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Hamza1416 View Post
          salam alaykum wa rahmat allah
          first thing the prophet told us to look for in the person who want to marry our women is hes religion not hes record with the police
          if you maintain all your daily fard prayers on time in the masjid including fajr and folow the quran and the sunnah then your religion is good . if you have a halal job and can cover all the expenses of your future wife then you are ready for marriage
          you can find muslim women to marry by telling your muslim friends or familly friends they can help you find someone islamic centers can be helpfull too however if the police keeps visiting you every now and then you need to tell this to the woman before marrying her because not all women might tolerate that . however be sure that there is good muslim sisters that will agree to marry you no matter what as long as you are a practising muslim that folow the quran and sunnah that is what truly matters
          I know what you mean and there will he police involvement for quite few years to come but only take affects whilst in this country. Parents have told me to look for a girl back home but I'm not interested.

          What girl would accept me for having involvement with the law? Very little as I think. Even if marriage happens that could always bite me in the backside if something breaks down in marriage.

          I know marriage isn't easy but I'm the type of person that let's things happen. Don't like confrontation or arguing. I'm not an agry person.

          Deen is important but I don't see what girl would marry with a person that has such a past.

          Rather not marry and not go through this. Never had desire for marriage and this was meant to happen to stop me from actually going through marriage I believe.

          Comment


          • #6
            Very simply put- if you can't fulfill the rights of your wife, whether fearing such or having full certainty that you can't, you should not get married. Marriage is for a man who has the financial and emotional capability to provide for his wife. Without this there would be dire issues.

            You need to first become financially stable, in order to provide your wife with essential food, clothing and shelter.

            In the meanwhile, read about the fiqh of marriage and divorce. Learn about how to treat a woman according to Islam. Get yourself ready for a great responsibility and great task.

            Make duaa to Allah fervently to improve your affairs. Work on becoming closer to Him. Work on a career path as much as possible. Don't worry, the time will come when Allah wills inshaa Allah.

            If you have strong desires, try fasting voluntarily. If that does not help, ask your father to generously extend the house to accommodate your wife and kids. Make an agreement with him to pay some rent towards the house. Then look for a wife and explain the situation completely. If she doesn't accept, look again. Don't ever sugar coat the situation. Let her know what she is coming into, that will prepare her. If you cannot find someone, then be patient and know that Allah is with the patient ones. This is a test from the many tests of Allah and He tests those whom He loves.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by SeekingtheCreator View Post
              Very simply put- if you can't fulfill the rights of your wife, whether fearing such or having full certainty that you can't, you should not get married. Marriage is for a man who has the financial and emotional capability to provide for his wife. Without this there would be dire issues.

              You need to first become financially stable, in order to provide your wife with essential food, clothing and shelter.

              In the meanwhile, read about the fiqh of marriage and divorce. Learn about how to treat a woman according to Islam. Get yourself ready for a great responsibility and great task.

              Make duaa to Allah fervently to improve your affairs. Work on becoming closer to Him. Work on a career path as much as possible. Don't worry, the time will come when Allah wills inshaa Allah.

              If you have strong desires, try fasting voluntarily. If that does not help, ask your father to generously extend the house to accommodate your wife and kids. Make an agreement with him to pay some rent towards the house. Then look for a wife and explain the situation completely. If she doesn't accept, look again. Don't ever sugar coat the situation. Let her know what she is coming into, that will prepare her. If you cannot find someone, then be patient and know that Allah is with the patient ones. This is a test from the many tests of Allah and He tests those whom He loves.
              I understand but am I doing this for my self or parents as there is no hiding or sugar coating my situation with perhaps a potential as I very much doubt someone's parent would let their daughter anywhere near a guy.

              The house is plenty enough with separate space already but I don't care about that. I don't have the urge or desire to get married or have kids especially after what has happened. I want to do be able to live my life and not live my parents lives.

              If it's meant to be then let it be. I'm just here to vent out out that is all. Seeing if there's another solution or route. Parents haven't discussed marriage the longer they take the better for me personally. Don't have to worry about it.

              Comment


              • #8
                If you don't want to get married then what's the issue? Just be single. What you worried about exactly? You said your parents haven't brought it up for some time.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by LaylaAb View Post
                  If you don't want to get married then what's the issue? Just be single. What you worried about exactly? You said your parents haven't brought it up for some time.
                  They don't want me to be alone as they think I will go back to my other way if I remain single. They want me married but we know it won't be simple.

                  My dad has brought it up vagualy but it was a suggestion that it gets discussed nothing else.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Muslim-Guy View Post

                    They don't want me to be alone as they think I will go back to my other way if I remain single. They want me married but we know it won't be simple.

                    My dad has brought it up vagualy but it was a suggestion that it gets discussed nothing else.
                    Can you find somone who you can click with? I'm sure they will be plenty of potentials out there who understand your situation and can help you?

                    Are you even searching properly or is your limited thinking prohibiting you to think beyond your circumstances?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I feel like I remember talking to you years before about this or it may have been someone else. I left at a more positive note but as LaylaAb said if you can't fulfill your duties, it's not recomennded to get married.

                      All I can say is life is tough. As a man you need to be the breadwinner, meaning strife and leading your family, your wife and kids to a higher place in deen and dunya.

                      If you really want something you'll fight and push for it. It doesn't seem like that for you. Try to work on becoming a better person as a whole and from there you may discover what you want. Is it marriage? Or are there other pursuits in life for you?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Flawed View Post

                        Can you find somone who you can click with? I'm sure they will be plenty of potentials out there who understand your situation and can help you?

                        Are you even searching properly or is your limited thinking prohibiting you to think beyond your circumstances?
                        I doubt someone would want to click with me once they found out what happened, they wouldn't get anywhere near me as it would involve police visits now and then and I have restrictions put on place on me for some years to come. So with that doubt someone will understand.

                        I haven't searched really and is limited to my situation, parents mentioned that this has made it even more difficult to even tell someone about my situation as I am sure they wouldn't appreciate it and not like I am gonna tell any girl and parents that I meet about my situation only if it there is a compatibility then maybe, but again that is the issue, what point do I tell a potential about my situation.

                        Because of that I am more certain that I won't find someone so I don't really think about it, mostly it's my parents. My brother or sister don't talk to me about it so what is the point of even thinking about it if parents not going to think about it nor my siblings.

                        Honestly what would parents even think about letting their daughter marry someone with a record, what if it gets leaked out or something, how will any of us face the situation hence only my immediate family know no one else.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Al-Mualim View Post
                          I feel like I remember talking to you years before about this or it may have been someone else. I left at a more positive note but as LaylaAb said if you can't fulfill your duties, it's not recomennded to get married.

                          All I can say is life is tough. As a man you need to be the breadwinner, meaning strife and leading your family, your wife and kids to a higher place in deen and dunya.

                          If you really want something you'll fight and push for it. It doesn't seem like that for you. Try to work on becoming a better person as a whole and from there you may discover what you want. Is it marriage? Or are there other pursuits in life for you?
                          Life is tough and I am living through it, nothing about my life has been normal life, has been alot of struggles, arguments and no trust between myself, parents and siblings. They both lead their own lives more so my brother as he has moved out.

                          Don't want marriage, I just want peace and ease, marriage I think will be difficult for me even more so with my situation as the women can leave any time and just say you done this that the other and I am out. what will I say to that then if things dont go well in the marriage. I just want to be able to enjoy life, travel, enjoy the small things. But no I have to think about the bigger picture, dad wants me to persue some other job, more money and stuff, as I am only earning average amount and with that doubt I can support a wife, let alone afford a house or rent.

                          There is a lot on my mind at the moment feel maybe I should quit work for a while, find my self and there are jobs out there in my field

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Muslim-Guy View Post

                            I know what you mean and there will he police involvement for quite few years to come but only take affects whilst in this country. Parents have told me to look for a girl back home but I'm not interested.

                            What girl would accept me for having involvement with the law? Very little as I think. Even if marriage happens that could always bite me in the backside if something breaks down in marriage.

                            I know marriage isn't easy but I'm the type of person that let's things happen. Don't like confrontation or arguing. I'm not an agry person.

                            Deen is important but I don't see what girl would marry with a person that has such a past.

                            Rather not marry and not go through this. Never had desire for marriage and this was meant to happen to stop me from actually going through marriage I believe.
                            you are wrong alot of muslim women marry not only men with issues with the police but men with a long past in the prison with murderers ect as long as they are trying to start a new clean life and are practising muslims who have repented to allah then these women have no issues with marrying these types of men .

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Hamza1416 View Post

                              you are wrong alot of muslim women marry not only men with issues with the police but men with a long past in the prison with murderers ect as long as they are trying to start a new clean life and are practising muslims who have repented to allah then these women have no issues with marrying these types of men .
                              I have bottled things up and can't think beyond what I have done. Thinking what will happen if I try and find someone, when is it best to bring it up.

                              Should I start to find someone in my own but I know most girls want parental involvement and I can't lie as my parents aren't looking for me. At the moment we aren't going through happy times with what's happening around the world. But there have been marriages during this time so why let this stop it.

                              I fear it will come out to other family members which I don't want and over think my situation as it has stopped me for looking at jobs, travelling etc.

                              Haven't really sat down and thought it through my self.

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