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I don't think I'm cut out for marriage

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  • I don't think I'm cut out for marriage

    There's a woman I met a year ago, she introduced me to islam and I wouldn't be Muslim now if not for her. For a long time we wanted to get married and we care for each other, but things became difficult in the past several months and she no longer sees a future together. She still cares about me and wants to see me happy, and I still want to be in her life. Allah knows best and before she told me she doesn't feel the same as before, I asked Allah to keep away from me what's not written for my heart. So He knows best.

    But I just think to myself, maybe I don't have what it takes to marry and have a family, I don't know if I ever will. I'm only turning 20 later this year and I don't have a real career plan. I feel too anti-social to even live with a wife. I feel like maybe it would be easier to be alone, I've always been used to being alone and reclusive. I want some animal friends one day like a cat and maybe a tortoise. I thought about a career working with animals, like ocean life, but I start to overthink. But this is most likely a trick from shaitan.

    I only hope Allah guides me for a good purpose and keeps me away from jahanam, inshallah.

  • #2
    Sometimes when the thrill is over then the relationship is over too. That's why a nikaah is must if both parties are compatible and and sincere to do the work.


    Trust me you dont want to be alone. It's not natural and defo not a mindset one should take on also islam is about integrity.

    you'll find the one for yourself until then work on yourself and grow. That's the best thing one can ever do for themselves. Build yourself and be a better muslim.
    Last edited by Flawed; 27-07-20, 02:54 PM.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Evan1114 View Post
      There's a woman I met a year ago, she introduced me to islam and I wouldn't be Muslim now if not for her. For a long time we wanted to get married and we care for each other, but things became difficult in the past several months and she no longer sees a future together. She still cares about me and wants to see me happy, and I still want to be in her life. Allah knows best and before she told me she doesn't feel the same as before, I asked Allah to keep away from me what's not written for my heart. So He knows best.

      But I just think to myself, maybe I don't have what it takes to marry and have a family, I don't know if I ever will. I'm only turning 20 later this year and I don't have a real career plan. I feel too anti-social to even live with a wife. I feel like maybe it would be easier to be alone, I've always been used to being alone and reclusive. I want some animal friends one day like a cat and maybe a tortoise. I thought about a career working with animals, like ocean life, but I start to overthink. But this is most likely a trick from shaitan.
      She said she can't marry you. Minimize contact with her. Relationships between the opposite genders outside of marriage are strictly forbidden.

      I'm not married, but I have had similar thoughts. I hope this can help you.
      Those thoughts are just the natural doubts/waswasa we have. Don't pay much attention to them. Believe in yourself. Doing>Thinking.

      Focus on the shortest route to supporting yourself at the standard of living you have right now/higher. Don't sacrifice your potential by taking a sub optimal job, but don't delay getting married much either. You say you don't have a career plan. Make one then. If you want a career with animals, then find how to get there and everything will fall into place. Do your due research and study up on whatever is needed. Set goals and actively work towards the career you want. Istikhara could also be really helpful.

      I really relate to being accustomed to being alone and all, but while it might be easier to live alone, remember that this life is all about striving to do as much good as you can.
      Rest is for the afterlife. The more we work for Allah, the better the eternal reward we receive will be.

      ​​​​​​
      Last edited by Bolt; 27-07-20, 03:27 PM.
      "When you want to cry, laugh.
      If you're frozen in fear, you can't do anything"

      Comment


      • #4
        salam alaykum wa rahmat allah
        this is why love relation with women outside marriage is forbidden when you grow feelings for your wife you are safe because she is commited to you enough to marry you unlike a relation with a woman outside marriage where she could easily replace you if she finds someone more attractive or wealthy ect . she might be a reason that you found out about islam but it allah who guided you so you should be grateful lto him and no one else .depriving yourself from having a wife in the future is self oppression you are too young now and once you grow up a little bit you will see how silly this decision is . you should focus on learning more about islam and getting closer to allah i advice you to start maintaining your daily fard prayer on time in the masjid including fajr assuming masjids are open where you live if they are not then you are fine praying in the house if you feel you can do something extra to get closer to allah eitehr some sunnah prayer or voluntary fasting like fasting every monday and thursday or 3 white days of each lunar month or the fasting of daoud . i also advice you learn more about islam so you understand more aspects about the religion you will find those playlists helpfull
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvde...reX63b0k5yZpwl
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J56Q...Ffp6s33dTvABqT
        you can also sub to this muslim brothers they are good debaters and you will learn a thing or two from them
        https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHD...WOXtHo8DIc8efQ
        https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRk...Gmz36qGgXnZHjQ
        if you have any question about islam or just want to talk to a muslim feel free to pm me

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        • #5
          I can understand that you're a little hurt by having your hopes high and nothing actually being recieved. This happens often in relationships outside marriage.

          You are still young mashaAllah so I would suggest focusing more on your career or maybe further education. Im 33 and doing a vocational course in gas engineering at my age so it can all be done.

          Try your best and leave the rest to Allah swt. Not trying at all is the problem.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Hamza1416 View Post
            salam alaykum wa rahmat allah
            this is why love relation with women outside marriage is forbidden when you grow feelings for your wife you are safe because she is commited to you enough to marry you unlike a relation with a woman outside marriage where she could easily replace you if she finds someone more attractive or wealthy ect . she might be a reason that you found out about islam but it allah who guided you so you should be grateful lto him and no one else .depriving yourself from having a wife in the future is self oppression you are too young now and once you grow up a little bit you will see how silly this decision is . you should focus on learning more about islam and getting closer to allah i advice you to start maintaining your daily fard prayer on time in the masjid including fajr assuming masjids are open where you live if they are not then you are fine praying in the house if you feel you can do something extra to get closer to allah eitehr some sunnah prayer or voluntary fasting like fasting every monday and thursday or 3 white days of each lunar month or the fasting of daoud . i also advice you learn more about islam so you understand more aspects about the religion you will find those playlists helpfull
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvde...reX63b0k5yZpwl
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J56Q...Ffp6s33dTvABqT
            you can also sub to this muslim brothers they are good debaters and you will learn a thing or two from them
            https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHD...WOXtHo8DIc8efQ
            https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRk...Gmz36qGgXnZHjQ
            if you have any question about islam or just want to talk to a muslim feel free to pm me
            I do like to watch videos from Mohammed hijab and other English speakers, as I don't know arabic. Nouman ali Khan is a favorite. I haven't been to a masjid yet either, there aren't any very close to me so I haven't had a good opportunity, and I don't know the protocol with the virus. Inshallah I will soon, I'm waiting to receive my drivers license so I can legally drive to one.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Evan1114 View Post

              I do like to watch videos from Mohammed hijab and other English speakers, as I don't know arabic. Nouman ali Khan is a favorite. I haven't been to a masjid yet either, there aren't any very close to me so I haven't had a good opportunity, and I don't know the protocol with the virus. Inshallah I will soon, I'm waiting to receive my drivers license so I can legally drive to one.
              only the first playlist is in arabic but it have english subtitles you will benefit alot from it inshaeallah the rest is all english . if you are healthy you should consider walking to the nearest masjid
              The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "He who purifies (performs Wudu') himself in his house and then walks to one of the houses of Allah (mosque) for performing an obligatory Salat, one step of his will wipe out his sins and another step will elevate his rank (in Jannah)."
              https://sunnah.com/riyadussaliheen/8/64

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Evan1114 View Post

                I do like to watch videos from Mohammed hijab and other English speakers, as I don't know arabic. Nouman ali Khan is a favorite. I haven't been to a masjid yet either, there aren't any very close to me so I haven't had a good opportunity, and I don't know the protocol with the virus. Inshallah I will soon, I'm waiting to receive my drivers license so I can legally drive to one.
                Nauman Ali Khan is a fantastic teacher.
                I love listening to his lectures. I think what makes them interesting and applicable is that he can show how an ayat of the quraan has a connection to life in USA/UK in todays day and age as well as back in the days of rasullullah s.a.w.

                I want to inshaAllah start the bayinnah series he has on youtube.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by The Prince View Post

                  Nauman Ali Khan is a fantastic teacher.
                  I love listening to his lectures. I think what makes them interesting and applicable is that he can show how an ayat of the quraan has a connection to life in USA/UK in todays day and age as well as back in the days of rasullullah s.a.w.

                  I want to inshaAllah start the bayinnah series he has on youtube.
                  I'm considering subscribing to bayinnah TV for his in depth Quran series

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Evan1114 View Post
                    I'm considering subscribing to bayinnah TV for his in depth Quran series
                    How much is it ?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Flawed View Post

                      How much is it ?
                      $11 monthly

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        If you don't feel ready for marriage then that's fine- you probably need time to heal from this relationship anyway. There is an evidence which encourages Muslims to seek good company because the wolf attacks the lone sheep, so I hope you manage to find decent Muslim friends and influences over time, but at the same time I understand that some people are more introverted and prefer to spend more time alone as well. My point is that when you are alone, be mindful of the fact that that is when shaytan often attacks, but if you have the resilience to withstand that and manage that well, then it's okay- if you reach a point when you're not okay then remember my advice and consider that it might be a good time to reach out to any good Muslims you know.

                        If you don't have a specific career in mind, then why not work with animals? That seems to be what you're more interested in. My only advice there though is to beware of cleanliness as certain animals are considered unclean so I think you might need to redo wudhu and change clothes after coming into contact with them, but I don't know the evidences for sure so double check that with someone who does know inshaAllah. Aside from that, I think keeping a pet is a good idea.
                        The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by neelu View Post
                          If you don't feel ready for marriage then that's fine- you probably need time to heal from this relationship anyway. There is an evidence which encourages Muslims to seek good company because the wolf attacks the lone sheep, so I hope you manage to find decent Muslim friends and influences over time, but at the same time I understand that some people are more introverted and prefer to spend more time alone as well. My point is that when you are alone, be mindful of the fact that that is when shaytan often attacks, but if you have the resilience to withstand that and manage that well, then it's okay- if you reach a point when you're not okay then remember my advice and consider that it might be a good time to reach out to any good Muslims you know.

                          If you don't have a specific career in mind, then why not work with animals? That seems to be what you're more interested in. My only advice there though is to beware of cleanliness as certain animals are considered unclean so I think you might need to redo wudhu and change clothes after coming into contact with them, but I don't know the evidences for sure so double check that with someone who does know inshaAllah. Aside from that, I think keeping a pet is a good idea.
                          Thank you. I'm considering a career with wildlife, maybe ocean wildlife. Sometimes though I feel discouraged about going to college and I start to feel lost again. I still hope a little bit that this girl will want to marry me again.. She is under a lot of pressure and stress these days and it's probably the last thing she wants to think about. Part of me wants to marry her still because I love and care for her. Another part of me is scared of the commitment andand uncertainty of marriage and what would come, because she lives in North Africa and I live in America and it would be a lengthy process, on top of the fact that I don't even want to live in America forever. I'm worried about providing and having children. I would want children eventually but she wants them sooner rather than later.

                          These things just cause me anxiety and feelings of inadequacy, I'm conscious that they may be from shaytan. I love this girl and I can imagine seeing her marry and have children with someone else, but the thought of being in those shoes scares me too...

                          Her family wants to meet me and for me to visit them. I'd like to. I'm worried of how things will be though if she still doesn't feel the same way about me while I do with her. I'm scared of her treating me almost as a stranger.

                          I don't expect a reply to all of this, I'm just getting things off my chest. I pray that Allah guides me and has a good plan for me inshallah. At the very least, I was guided to Islam through her. I just hope Allah will grant me more in regard to her

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