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  • He won’t commit to marriage

    I met a man 6 months ago via my local Mosque. We initially spoke on the phone and arranged what we wanted in marriage. We agreed we wanted the same things. We discussed meeting five times to discuss marriage and making arrangements etc. He is from another country and all his family are in that country. He knows no one here but has residency here as he moved here to take up a job as a civil engineer. I am a revert so know only a few Muslims well in this country. We met via a trusted Muslim friend.

    First and Second meeting went well. On the Third meeting he discussed me with his Mother. His Mother said she was very happy with me but she did not like that I have a child. He told me what his Mother had said and he said that he doesn’t mind I have a child and feels this criticism from his Mother is unreasonable. His Mother said I was educated, beautiful and she liked that I wore a hijab. So it wasn’t all bad!

    We arranged another meeting but this time he just talked about random things. Nothing to do with marriage. After 5 meetings he didn’t even mention marriage. We have now met a few times, always in public and in a halal way but it’s just been superficial conversation.
    So I asked him what is happening and he said that we are getting to know each other and seeing if we want to get married. No set date for discussion to end. No dates set at all. He seems to just want to meet, enjoy my company and decide eventually what he wants to do.
    I am 31, he is 34. We are not very young and I know he was initially very keen to get married so really it seems illogical to wait a long time to make this decision.
    I do not get any bad vibes from him. He does seem a good, honest man. I just don’t know what to do now. I don’t know if he is being unreasonable with wanting to meet before making a decision.
    Our mutual friends thinks it may be that his Mother had reservations and so he has too now.

    Any advice or opinions on this matter?

  • #2
    Get your wali to speak to him.

    Comment


    • #3
      My Wali already has. He says he wants to meet more/get to know me more before committing to marriage.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Zoea View Post
        I met a man 6 months ago via my local Mosque. We initially spoke on the phone and arranged what we wanted in marriage. We agreed we wanted the same things. We discussed meeting five times to discuss marriage and making arrangements etc. He is from another country and all his family are in that country. He knows no one here but has residency here as he moved here to take up a job as a civil engineer. I am a revert so know only a few Muslims well in this country. We met via a trusted Muslim friend.

        First and Second meeting went well. On the Third meeting he discussed me with his Mother. His Mother said she was very happy with me but she did not like that I have a child. He told me what his Mother had said and he said that he doesn’t mind I have a child and feels this criticism from his Mother is unreasonable. His Mother said I was educated, beautiful and she liked that I wore a hijab. So it wasn’t all bad!

        We arranged another meeting but this time he just talked about random things. Nothing to do with marriage. After 5 meetings he didn’t even mention marriage. We have now met a few times, always in public and in a halal way but it’s just been superficial conversation.
        So I asked him what is happening and he said that we are getting to know each other and seeing if we want to get married. No set date for discussion to end. No dates set at all. He seems to just want to meet, enjoy my company and decide eventually what he wants to do.
        I am 31, he is 34. We are not very young and I know he was initially very keen to get married so really it seems illogical to wait a long time to make this decision.
        I do not get any bad vibes from him. He does seem a good, honest man. I just don’t know what to do now. I don’t know if he is being unreasonable with wanting to meet before making a decision.
        Our mutual friends thinks it may be that his Mother had reservations and so he has too now.

        Any advice or opinions on this matter?
        He maybe wasting your time or confused, I don't know. Rather than having endless meeting and conversation, you should be straight with him. Ask him does he wants to get married or not and maybe you can tell him its not your style to meet a non-mahram for chit-chat.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Zoea View Post
          My Wali already has. He says he wants to meet more/get to know me more before committing to marriage.
          What if after months of this he then decides he doesn't wants to marry you?

          Comment


          • #6
            This is exactly my concern. I’m 31, not 21. I also don’t see how well you can get to know someone before marriage. I don’t think you can tell if you’re compatible until after marriage really. Not until you live with someone.

            Comment


            • #7
              I am thinking of giving him a 6 months limit. That he has to decide by that date or I’m off.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Zoea View Post
                I am thinking of giving him a 6 months limit. That he has to decide by that date or I’m off.
                Naa I think if I was in your shoes I will tell him now, why waste half of the year. Culture I am from, elders they get involved first if everything turns well then meet up happens even then that meeting happens around close family, not alone even in public. If thing goes well after first meeting, we then decide to get married. We don't spend months to get know someone as if that person is a book.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I think he's being highly disrespectful towards you.

                  You do not need to court someone for "months" to see whether they're suitable for you or not. This is a Western concept, not an Islamic one.

                  The brother is not confused. His message is clear. You're merely an option to him. He's stringing you along to cut time, if someone better comes along, he'll dump you citing incompability. If not, he'll marry you because you were the best he could get.

                  Sister, please have some self-worth. Don't allow yourself to be used in this manner. A noble and honorable man does not do this. If there's something he considers vital for marriage, he does what's necessary to find out & makes a decision.

                  Please don't think you're "old" at 31 that you allow people who are not serious about commitment to waste time with you.



                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
                    I think he's being highly disrespectful towards you.

                    You do not need to court someone for "months" to see whether they're suitable for you or not. This is a Western concept, not an Islamic one.

                    The brother is not confused. His message is clear. You're merely an option to him. He's stringing you along to cut time, if someone better comes along, he'll dump you citing incompability. If not, he'll marry you because you were the best he could get.

                    Sister, please have some self-worth. Don't allow yourself to be used in this manner. A noble and honorable man does not do this. If there's something he considers vital for marriage, he does what's necessary to find out & makes a decision.

                    Please don't think you're "old" at 31 that you allow people who are not serious about commitment to waste time with you.


                    Good advise.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Zoea View Post
                      I met a man 6 months ago via my local Mosque. We initially spoke on the phone and arranged what we wanted in marriage. We agreed we wanted the same things. We discussed meeting five times to discuss marriage and making arrangements etc. He is from another country and all his family are in that country. He knows no one here but has residency here as he moved here to take up a job as a civil engineer. I am a revert so know only a few Muslims well in this country. We met via a trusted Muslim friend.

                      First and Second meeting went well. On the Third meeting he discussed me with his Mother. His Mother said she was very happy with me but she did not like that I have a child. He told me what his Mother had said and he said that he doesn’t mind I have a child and feels this criticism from his Mother is unreasonable. His Mother said I was educated, beautiful and she liked that I wore a hijab. So it wasn’t all bad!

                      We arranged another meeting but this time he just talked about random things. Nothing to do with marriage. After 5 meetings he didn’t even mention marriage. We have now met a few times, always in public and in a halal way but it’s just been superficial conversation.
                      So I asked him what is happening and he said that we are getting to know each other and seeing if we want to get married. No set date for discussion to end. No dates set at all. He seems to just want to meet, enjoy my company and decide eventually what he wants to do.
                      I am 31, he is 34. We are not very young and I know he was initially very keen to get married so really it seems illogical to wait a long time to make this decision.
                      I do not get any bad vibes from him. He does seem a good, honest man. I just don’t know what to do now. I don’t know if he is being unreasonable with wanting to meet before making a decision.
                      Our mutual friends thinks it may be that his Mother had reservations and so he has too now.

                      Any advice or opinions on this matter?
                      He has some reservations and has probably lost some interest. Some people can make a decision after 5 meets others maybe not.

                      If you are happy to proceed why not make this clear and then leave him to contact your wali and decide what he wants to do.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Personally I would want to wait a few months to get to know someone before making the huge commitment of marriage. I have a child myself and would need to be sure of this person and you cannot do this in a few meetings. I think it is different if children are not involved. However you cannot just be left waiting with no end date. I would have a set time limit and he needs to make a decision by then. 6 months seems fair enough to me. I know it is a western idea but I do think among the younger generation this is becoming more and more common.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Zoea View Post
                          My Wali already has. He says he wants to meet more/get to know me more before committing to marriage.
                          Maybe he does want to marry you but just getting to know you more so he knows what he is getting himself into. Men and women like to feel secure before they let themselves fully in (commit).

                          just be honest and open up so he know the real you and knows what to expect after marriage.

                          Also you need to be real and upfront and raise your concerns with him.
                          Last edited by Flawed; 18-07-20, 02:28 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I would be sure he has actually told his Mother about you though. He might be lying and she doesn’t know of your existence as in most countries a Mother would not want her Son ‘dating’ in this way and would be pressurising him to either get married or not be in contact. I find it unusual he would mention you to his Mother when he has shown he isn’t fully committed. Just an observation.
                            Either way I think 6 months if fair but you must put an end date to these meet ups.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
                              I think he's being highly disrespectful towards you.

                              You do not need to court someone for "months" to see whether they're suitable for you or not. This is a Western concept, not an Islamic one.

                              The brother is not confused. His message is clear. You're merely an option to him. He's stringing you along to cut time, if someone better comes along, he'll dump you citing incompability. If not, he'll marry you because you were the best he could get.

                              Sister, please have some self-worth. Don't allow yourself to be used in this manner. A noble and honorable man does not do this. If there's something he considers vital for marriage, he does what's necessary to find out & makes a decision.

                              Please don't think you're "old" at 31 that you allow people who are not serious about commitment to waste time with you.


                              Right. If anything she doing herself a favour for cutting him loose. He doesnt even have a good character at all.


                              And if anything op, you should be looking for people with good character at this age. So please dont be worried about your age. Good hearted men dont look at stuff like that if you're good then you will get good...

                              Comment

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