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  • Me and my wife had to move

    So its been nearly 2 months since I last posted, my last post was titled "My mum has caused a huge rift in my marriage".

    Long stories short, my mum and my wife had a disagreement my wife left, and we moved out after a month.

    During that one month apart my mum gave me the silent treatment, and when I mentioned about myself moving out she kept saying that me and and my planned it or my mother in law and my wife planned it together. (Although I recently spent a lot of time and money doing up the house so would be silly if it was preplanned). She also kept saying that I'm not her son and that I am my mother in laws son, as well this she was saying that if she dies that I shouldn't bother coming to see her. These were only a few things that she said, so you could imagine as a only son to a mum who's a single parent the amount of stress that puts you under. The constant crying, making you feel bad for wanting to sort your marriage out. I had not seen my wife in weeks and my mum did not ask once about what was going on, her main concern was that I was leaving and "abondoning" her. All my mum had to do was pick up the phone and sort things out if you read my previous post, my mum was refusing to sort things out.

    Okay so now moving day came my anxiety levels went through the roof, as I was leaving my mum was crying saying that, I've hurt her so bad, i'm leaving her, dont even bother coming to see me.

    So a month has passed from me moving, pretty much dust has settled, my mum still hasnt spoken to my wife, or tried to resolve things, or taken any responsibility for anything thats happened, she still blames my wife. My mum seems pretty fine I see her nearly everyday as I live like a 10 min drive away in the same borough.

    But I think that 1 month of stuff has scarred me. I keep going over it over and over again and it eats me up. The thought of it is constant. For a month I had to think about my mum and my wife and put myself to a side, which I think most guys do once married, being caught up in the middle. It has mentally drained me; going over it makes me sad. Knowing that people are gonna think and say "oh look, how could they leave his mum on his own what a selfish son". Leaving has made my marriage better, my wife is happy and I'm happy for her. But for me its made me anxious. However I had to move out and it was the best choice I made, because my mum was never going to resolve issues, because it would hurt her pride.

    I see a lot of people in the forum considering moving out. And if you are then do it. Put your marriage first, culture is telling you to not move out, not islam.

  • #2


    You made the right choice. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for what you did. Your wife has a right to her own accommodation and your mother had no right in trying to interfere with that. Just keep good ties with your mother, make Dua'a to Allah that He softens her heart towards your wife and take things one step at a time. Inshallah your mother will come around when you have a baby, inshallah. They usually do a good job at melting stubborn hearts. You should also always talk to your mother and encourage her to put her differences aside and work things out for the sake of Allah.

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    • #3
      I can only sympathize with what you went through with your mum. Mum's always play the victim card and make you feel guilty for trying to save your marriage. You did the right thing by moving out.

      But still be there for your mum, go and see her spend time with her. Do your duty as a son to your mother and pray that your Mother sorts things out with your wife InshAllah.
      'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]'

      Surah Ibrahim (14:7)

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      • #4
        Iv been lucky in that sense because although my mum and my wife would see 6's and 9's (basically their own points of views) they never properly fell out to a stage where they stopped talking. 3 years into the marriage my parents told me to move out. So I did. The mrs and I go to see them everyday even if its only 10 mins. They're happy and so are we.

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        • #5
          *My wife and I

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          • #6
            Oh sorry, I forgot. This isnt about me.

            All I can suggest is try and convince your mum to let things go and accept that youngsters make mistakes and elders forgive and forget

            Or convince your wife to go see you mother and reach out to her. It might soften your mums heart and make amends with both. How much respect would you gain for your wife if she made you and your mum happy with each other again.

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            • #7
              Things will get better inshaa Allah. Your mother can't remain angry forever, inshaa Allah. Your wife needs time to heal and I feel you have guided her to the road towards recovery, Al hamdu lillah. Just be patient and be good towards your mother consistently. Don't expect too much from your wife connecting with your mother right now. It will probably take some months or even years for the tables to turn, inshaa Allah. So adopt patience and tolerance. BarakAllahu feekum.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Moderatebengali8 View Post
                So its been nearly 2 months since I last posted, my last post was titled "My mum has caused a huge rift in my marriage".

                Long stories short, my mum and my wife had a disagreement my wife left, and we moved out after a month.

                During that one month apart my mum gave me the silent treatment, and when I mentioned about myself moving out she kept saying that me and and my planned it or my mother in law and my wife planned it together. (Although I recently spent a lot of time and money doing up the house so would be silly if it was preplanned). She also kept saying that I'm not her son and that I am my mother in laws son, as well this she was saying that if she dies that I shouldn't bother coming to see her. These were only a few things that she said, so you could imagine as a only son to a mum who's a single parent the amount of stress that puts you under. The constant crying, making you feel bad for wanting to sort your marriage out. I had not seen my wife in weeks and my mum did not ask once about what was going on, her main concern was that I was leaving and "abondoning" her. All my mum had to do was pick up the phone and sort things out if you read my previous post, my mum was refusing to sort things out.

                Okay so now moving day came my anxiety levels went through the roof, as I was leaving my mum was crying saying that, I've hurt her so bad, i'm leaving her, dont even bother coming to see me.

                So a month has passed from me moving, pretty much dust has settled, my mum still hasnt spoken to my wife, or tried to resolve things, or taken any responsibility for anything thats happened, she still blames my wife. My mum seems pretty fine I see her nearly everyday as I live like a 10 min drive away in the same borough.

                But I think that 1 month of stuff has scarred me. I keep going over it over and over again and it eats me up. The thought of it is constant. For a month I had to think about my mum and my wife and put myself to a side, which I think most guys do once married, being caught up in the middle. It has mentally drained me; going over it makes me sad. Knowing that people are gonna think and say "oh look, how could they leave his mum on his own what a selfish son". Leaving has made my marriage better, my wife is happy and I'm happy for her. But for me its made me anxious. However I had to move out and it was the best choice I made, because my mum was never going to resolve issues, because it would hurt her pride.

                I see a lot of people in the forum considering moving out. And if you are then do it. Put your marriage first, culture is telling you to not move out, not islam.

                I moved out in 2015 - since got divorced (after I gave up the place which I built for a small fortune at my mum's place I expected my ex to also keep her side out of out affairs and that didn't happen) and I am still going through this even though I have bought another place and now live alone, After moving out whilst still married I wanted to move back and wasn't welcome into my place anymore... lol

                you must make dua for your mother and serve her well she will come around Insha-Allah.

                Comment


                • #9
                  The Covid pandemic has taught us that people can leave this world any minute without any prior warning. May Allah keep both you and your mother safe, but just imagine - what if you or your mom were to die today ? Would you be able to forgive yourself if your mom left this world while she was displeased with you? Or you die and meet your Lord in a state where the one under whose feet He placed your Jannah is angry with you ? Allah forbid any of this happens, but life is unpredictable. Do your best to make up with your mom and seek her forgiveness. Don't go to visit her in a way that makes her feel like you're fulfilling a mere formality, but show her by your actions that you're still a loving & dutiful son. Even if that means spending a couple of nights per week with her.

                  If your mother feels she hasn't done anything wrong, then why do you think she will ever apologize ?

                  Life is too short to hold grudges.

                  A lot of relationships are lost these days because people have too much pride within themselves to take the first step towards reconciliation.

                  Let your wife be the bigger person here & take the first step to communicate with your mom. If your wife is innocent, she doesn't need to apologize. She can just go along with you when you visit and meet her. Allah loves the one who upholds ties of kinship. There are dozens of ayat and ahadith regarding it. So, let her do it simply for the sake of Allah.

                  Obviously, there can be no going back where you can all live as a happy family, but the least you can ensure is everyone is civil towards each other.

                  From your post , it doesn't seem like you're happy. You did what you had to do to salvage your marriage but your guilt is killing you from inside. In a bid to make everyone happy, don't forget about your own self.

                  Allah is the turner of hearts, and you've taken steps to rectify where you could, so pray to Him to resolve the problems you have no control over. Try your best to remain stress free because if you don't deal with it now, it can lead to having mental health issues in the future.

                  May Allah make things easy for you.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Abu 'Abdullaah View Post
                    *My wife and I
                    *I and my wife
                    You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

                    You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

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                    • #11
                      You have hurt your mother and you should beg for her forgiveness. Try to spend more time with her and take care of her even more now. You being her only son and having spent her life as a single parent she must've spent hard time . Here you are clearly taking your wife's side and moved out because of her. Your wife should forgive your mother and maintain good relations with her. This is what islam teaches, don't force your own mother to apologize. Its not easy living alone in old age for a woman. Here people will only give you advice to move out as its wife's right but what about mother's rights? Talk to a local scholar and discuss your issues.

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                      • #12
                        I don't think you did anything wrong by moving out. Kids need to fly the nest some day.

                        Maybe your mum needs another man in her life. Can't you try to find your mum a husband? Then she might not need you so much.

                        or she might like a pet, such as a cat. An African grey parrot can make a good emotional support companion.
                        Last edited by DaughterOfAdam; 21-07-20, 04:20 AM.

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                        • #13
                          Sounds like you did the right thing to move out. Don't expect your mum to apologise, neither your wife nor your mother will change their nature in order to get along. It's a very common thing for elder mums to get upset when a son moves out and then she'll say hurtful things, but try not to take that too personally as you did your best to try to maintain good ties with both your wife and your mother. My grandmother cried and wailed and told her neighbours that her eldest son was abandoning her when he decided to move to England so my parents had to hear an earful of guilt trips from their local community in Pakistan, but her anger was temporary. Over time she got over it, visited us here a few times and we visited her in Pakistan a few times and didn't sense any animosity over it. She learned to accept it eventually.

                          Of course you have a duty to your mother to maintain good ties with her so it's good that you still see her regularly, but don't get your hopes up that you'd ever be able to heal the relationship between your mother and your wife. Just be there for both of them as best you can and let them spend some time apart. Don't pressure either of them to try and make up- you could say after a couple of months that you love them both and wish they could get along and see if that prompts one of them to take the first step but if they don't, then don't pressure them as putting them in the same room together could just make matters worse, damage Your relationship with them and force you to choose sides.
                          The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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                          • #14
                            You're anxious because you care too much about what other people might say. Its none of their business and you don't live for their approval so stop thinking about that part. Asians will gossip no matter what. Be there for your wife, be there for your mother. The two don't have to be best friends so theres no need to try to get them to reunite. Just do your duty as a son and a husband and in due time things will work out for the best.

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