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Is it abandonment to live separately?

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  • Is it abandonment to live separately?

    Asalamu alaikum,

    In my previous thread, I posted about how I am thinking of living separately after marrying, so that my wife and I can have our own space and privacy, however my mum said that I would be abandoning her by doing this.

    My mum has brought us up as a single mother, she keeps bringing this up, and talks about how many sacrifices she made for us. I appreciate all she did but I just think some space is good for everyone.

    I was hoping to get a place closeby so that we can still visit and keep ties, but she is unhappy.
    Last edited by mu'min25; 24-06-20, 09:41 PM.

  • #2
    If your mother feels like that , then you should spend the daytime with her and the night with your wife.

    Or you could do alternates - spend one day with your mom and the next day with your wife.

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    • #3
      somali people fly, sudanese fly, yemenis fly, turkish people fly, everyone flies the nest and builds their own...and then us, eventually fathers of 3 kids but still living in mums house, in mums household, run by mum, according to mum's rules

      why did you make a new thread? this is the same question as the last one just framed differently. did the old one get closed?

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      • #4
        Originally posted by cho09082489 View Post
        somali people fly, sudanese fly, yemenis fly, turkish people fly, everyone flies the nest and builds their own...and then us, eventually fathers of 3 kids but still living in mums house, in mums household, run by mum, according to mum's rules

        why did you make a new thread? this is the same question as the last one just framed differently. did the old one get closed?
        Sorry about making a new thread, I have been thinking about this topic too much lately and I thought my first thread may not have been worded correctly and I couldn't edit it. So just made a new thread, I know quite silly of me.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by mu'min25 View Post

          Sorry about making a new thread, I have been thinking about this topic too much lately and I thought my first thread may not have been worded correctly and I couldn't edit it. So just made a new thread, I know quite silly of me.
          It's ok, no sorry needed. I was just curious. Maybe you can pray istikhara since you're unsure.

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          • #6
            Mufti Tariq Masood is one of the best scholars of our times. He has a large fan following as youth can immediately connect to him. His advices are always very practical - he minces no words and doesn't try to be politically correct. He is not just extremely wise, but also very charismatic & funny. His talks can immediately lift one up when they're sad. His marriage advices are always spot-on (maybe because of more experience - he has 3 wives MashaAllah )

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            • #7
              Originally posted by mu'min25 View Post
              Asalamu alaikum,

              In my previous thread, I posted about how I am thinking of living separately after marrying, so that my wife and I can have our own space and privacy, however my mum said that I would be abandoning her by doing this.

              My mum has brought us up as a single mother, she keeps bringing this up, and talks about how many sacrifices she made for us. I appreciate all she did but I just think some space is good for everyone.

              I was hoping to get a place closeby so that we can still visit and keep ties, but she is unhappy.
              Its a tough question sometimes its about keeping the mother happy but who would live with your mum if you leave the house?



              ​​​​​​I liked twinklingstars suggestion of basivally staying over at your mums quite frequently but you have to do it the right way be very reassuring and tell momma that you love her

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              • #8
                Your mum is scared about being left alone which is why shes using the word abandonment because naturally that is how its going to feel. Many people are guilty of getting too attached their their family, understandably especially to their kids. I think I will have this same problem too someday when I inshallah have children. Whilst you want the best for them it must be daunting when they finally leave the nest, especially if you've been with them for many decades and also when you've had to depend on them a lot. In your scenario it must have fallen on you to be the man of the house, on top of that shes got an autistic younger son she will be left to look after alone, on top of that her daughter is leaving too and on top of that shes already lost her husband so naturally thinks the pain of her children leaving will be the same. Its understandable very, I'm too scared to marry for the same reasons. I want to do so but I've become too attached to my family having lived with them for so long I don't want to be away from them therefore inshallah hatching a plan to rent a place close to my family so that I can visit them everyday.

                Firstly what you need to do is talk to your mother and reassure her that you are not abandoning her. You need to paint the picture out to her and make her see how life won't be that different, there will only be slight changes here and there but overall life won't be that different. Tell her to imagine it as if you were just going to work everyday, you're gone throughout the day and then are home for a couple of hours at night. because thats how it will feel if you are planning on going over to visit her every day, you'll simply not be there during the day but home at night (or vice versa if you're planning on being there during the day). Your mum is just saying this out of fear and the natural saddness that all parents have when their children eventually leave the nest (empty nest syndrome i think is what its called) but eventually all parents get used to it and it becomes their new normal.

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                • #9
                  This is tough topic & my own family is going thru this. On one hand i see the parents worry. Even my free spirited non-traditional father is getting anxiety as he worries about what will happen to them as they age with my brother & his family moving out. What happens when there is an emergency late night, which is when medical emergency seems to happen often, who will call ambulance & jump in to help if your kids are living in different house... regardless of how close they are. Unless they live next door or same house, they can't be present during emergency situations. On other hand, couples need their own time and space to grow & should not be held back by parents. So its better to move out early in the marriage, when parents are in good health & in no real danger with the promise/intention of moving next door to eachother in few years when grandkids come. The dynamic changes completely with grandkids in picture & you will appreciate the extra help from grandparents.

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