Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

moving out after marriage, what to do if mum is against it?

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Question? moving out after marriage, what to do if mum is against it?

    Asalamu alaikum everyone,

    I live with my mum, sister and brother (he is autistic). I have started searching for marriage and most of the sisters say that they would like to live separately, I am in talks with a very good sister and she also says that she would prefer to live separately although she would leave it to me she said she would still like to have a loving and warm relationship with my family even if we do live separately.

    I am thinking there's nothing islamically wrong with living in a separate place with your wife and I think it is important for a man and wife to have their own space and privacy espeicially at the start furthermore I understand that due to my brother's autism it could be an inconvenience for my wife to live with them, he can get loud and unruly occasionally and dislikes any sort of change.
    My plan is to relocate to a place which is very close to my mum's house so that I can still pop by whenever is convenient and help her with anything she needs and I would phone her regularly too, my mother looks after herself so her health is good alhamdullilah, although if she ever fell ill, I would obviously stay with her to look after her. And my brother has a few other carers apart from my mother but I would still help with him if she ever needed it.

    My mum is still a little unhappy with this arrangement and keeps feeling like I would be abandoning her, she says that since my sister is also going to get married soon, she will be left alone since she doesn't have a husband and she has brought us up as a single mother, however I'm sure my sister would also visit her regularly and keep in touch with her.

    Anyway could you advise me please? Am I doing anything wrong by choosing to live separately after marriage, I don't wish to do anything that will cause Allah's displeasure.

    Jazak Allah khair
    Last edited by mu'min25; 24-06-20, 11:46 AM.

  • #2
    Wa alaykumus salaam warahmatullah..

    MashaAllah nice to hear of your marriage talks. May Allah place barakah, muhabbat and muwaddat in the union, and make it the means of 2 families coming together..

    The short answer to your situation is that the onus is on you to allay the valid fears that your mother has.

    When we get married, we take on the wellbeing and establishment of a new family as an additional responsibility. In doing that, we do not forego the responsibility of care for our Mother (especially a single Mum, subhanallah!) in the process. It is your personal responsibility to ensure the physical and emotional wellbeing of both. Challenging? Sure, but having made a resolution to do it, Allah will make it easy for us.

    Therefore, before you get married console your Mum. Tell her that you'll be there for her after marriage just like you were there for her before marriage, even when you are living seperately.

    Then after you get married, give the sacrifices and make the effort to be there for both your Mum and your wife, even though this means you have less time to yourself. This is the way its supposed to work. The trouble will come when you give time and attention to your Mum from the time/attention you were supposed to give to your wife, or vice versa.

    Again, like I said, this will be challenging for you personally for the first year or 2, but as you sincerely continue struggling with wisdom and tact, Allah the all-Merciful will bless you in ways that He knows by giving you a life of envy in the world, and a life in the Hereafter that you never thought you'd be able to achieve.

    May Allah the Almighty make it easy for all of us, we're all in the same boat!
    وَإِذَا قِيلَ لَهُمۡ ءَامِنُواْ كَمَآ ءَامَنَ ٱلنَّاسُ قَالُوٓاْ أَنُؤۡمِنُ كَمَآ ءَامَنَ ٱلسُّفَهَآءُ*ۗ أَلَآ إِنَّهُمۡ هُمُ ٱلسُّفَهَآءُ وَلَـٰكِن لَّا يَعۡلَمُونَ


    And when it is said unto them: believe as the people believe, they say: Shall we believe as the foolish believe? Beware! They indeed are the foolish? But they know not.
    Al Baqarah : Verse 13

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by i.badat View Post
      Wa alaykumus salaam warahmatullah..

      MashaAllah nice to hear of your marriage talks. May Allah place barakah, muhabbat and muwaddat in the union, and make it the means of 2 families coming together..

      The short answer to your situation is that the onus is on you to allay the valid fears that your mother has.

      When we get married, we take on the wellbeing and establishment of a new family as an additional responsibility. In doing that, we do not forego the responsibility of care for our Mother (especially a single Mum, subhanallah!) in the process. It is your personal responsibility to ensure the physical and emotional wellbeing of both. Challenging? Sure, but having made a resolution to do it, Allah will make it easy for us.

      Therefore, before you get married console your Mum. Tell her that you'll be there for her after marriage just like you were there for her before marriage, even when you are living seperately.

      Then after you get married, give the sacrifices and make the effort to be there for both your Mum and your wife, even though this means you have less time to yourself. This is the way its supposed to work. The trouble will come when you give time and attention to your Mum from the time/attention you were supposed to give to your wife, or vice versa.

      Again, like I said, this will be challenging for you personally for the first year or 2, but as you sincerely continue struggling with wisdom and tact, Allah the all-Merciful will bless you in ways that He knows by giving you a life of envy in the world, and a life in the Hereafter that you never thought you'd be able to achieve.

      May Allah the Almighty make it easy for all of us, we're all in the same boat!
      Jazak Allah Khair for your reply, I have read in various places that the parents should never depend emotionally on their children, this is something you can only expect from a spouse. There has to be boundaries in every relationship.
      ​​​​​
      i would however help my mother physically and with anything she needs help and visit as well so I can make sure she is fine and talk to her as well.

      However it's difficult getting my mum to understand my view on this issue, she keeps taking it personally, especially because living in a joint family is so commonplace in Pakistani culture.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by mu'min25 View Post

        Jazak Allah Khair for your reply, I have read in various places that the parents should never depend emotionally on their children, this is something you can only expect from a spouse. There has to be boundaries in every relationship.
        ​​​​​
        i would however help my mother physically and with anything she needs help and visit as well so I can make sure she is fine and talk to her as well.

        However it's difficult getting my mum to understand my view on this issue, she keeps taking it personally, especially because living in a joint family is so commonplace in Pakistani culture.
        Be careful in trying to get you Mum understand your view. IMHO, you just need to keep consoling and re-assuring. I can only imagine what she's feeling - she's fearing about how she will cope once you have flown the nest! So you will have to listen to some things that your Mum will say to you that aren't too pleasant, even. Just let it go into one ear and out of the other, and keep consoling and re-assuring. Let her know that it'll be ok, and you'll keep visiting her, helping with any chores, etc.

        What you have read in various places doesn't apply to you. Your Mum has sacrificed her life for your and your siblings' upbringing. She (rightly) leans on you for support.

        This is all your challenge now. Balance the demands of your Mum with the demands of your future wife, all while living seperately.. honestly if you approach this correctly and are sincere with both, Allah will make a beautiful way out for you, that you will never have imagined. A way that will make things very easy for you. The initial hardship is always a necessary pre-requisite.

        No one ever said life was going to be easy bro. Stay steadfast in your prayers, recitation of the Holy Gur'an, charity, repentance and du'a, in gaining the help of the Almighty whilst you embark in this next phase of your life.
        وَإِذَا قِيلَ لَهُمۡ ءَامِنُواْ كَمَآ ءَامَنَ ٱلنَّاسُ قَالُوٓاْ أَنُؤۡمِنُ كَمَآ ءَامَنَ ٱلسُّفَهَآءُ*ۗ أَلَآ إِنَّهُمۡ هُمُ ٱلسُّفَهَآءُ وَلَـٰكِن لَّا يَعۡلَمُونَ


        And when it is said unto them: believe as the people believe, they say: Shall we believe as the foolish believe? Beware! They indeed are the foolish? But they know not.
        Al Baqarah : Verse 13

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by i.badat View Post

          Be careful in trying to get you Mum understand your view. IMHO, you just need to keep consoling and re-assuring. I can only imagine what she's feeling - she's fearing about how she will cope once you have flown the nest! So you will have to listen to some things that your Mum will say to you that aren't too pleasant, even. Just let it go into one ear and out of the other, and keep consoling and re-assuring. Let her know that it'll be ok, and you'll keep visiting her, helping with any chores, etc.

          What you have read in various places doesn't apply to you. Your Mum has sacrificed her life for your and your siblings' upbringing. She (rightly) leans on you for support.

          This is all your challenge now. Balance the demands of your Mum with the demands of your future wife, all while living seperately.. honestly if you approach this correctly and are sincere with both, Allah will make a beautiful way out for you, that you will never have imagined. A way that will make things very easy for you. The initial hardship is always a necessary pre-requisite.

          No one ever said life was going to be easy bro. Stay steadfast in your prayers, recitation of the Holy Gur'an, charity, repentance and du'a, in gaining the help of the Almighty whilst you embark in this next phase of your life.
          Thanks bro and what I have read definitely applies to me since emotional dependency usually occurs between the single mother and son please see below:
          https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psy...th-adams%3famp

          The mother and wife are two separate relations, which should never be treated the same, I have read nowhere even in Islamic sources that the mother can lean on her son emotionally.

          I agree that it would be challenging balancing both relations, and my mother is upset about it already however I just hopes she comes round eventually.

          You have given good advice overall which I appreciate.
          Last edited by mu'min25; 25-06-20, 10:20 AM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by mu'min25 View Post

            Thanks bro and what I have read definitely applies to me since emotional dependency usually occurs between the single mother and son please see below:
            https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psy...th-adams%3famp

            The mother and wife are two separate relations, which should never be treated the same, I have read nowhere even in Islamic sources that the mother can lean on her son emotionally.

            I agree that it would be challenging balancing both relations, and my mother would be upset at the start
            You have given good advice overall which I appreciate.
            What! Sorry, I assumed you would have differentiated between the emotional needs of a wife and a Mother.

            All you need to do is pay attention to your Mother's family needs whilst you are with your wife. You've already said you're willing to visit/help/talk to her and that's mashaAllah a very good approach. You just need to console and re-assure her at the moment, and not, in the process of trying to make her understand, make her feel abandoned. I guess you're doing that at the moment as well inshaAllah, so keep doing it!

            How you have related emotional needs to incest is beyond me!
            وَإِذَا قِيلَ لَهُمۡ ءَامِنُواْ كَمَآ ءَامَنَ ٱلنَّاسُ قَالُوٓاْ أَنُؤۡمِنُ كَمَآ ءَامَنَ ٱلسُّفَهَآءُ*ۗ أَلَآ إِنَّهُمۡ هُمُ ٱلسُّفَهَآءُ وَلَـٰكِن لَّا يَعۡلَمُونَ


            And when it is said unto them: believe as the people believe, they say: Shall we believe as the foolish believe? Beware! They indeed are the foolish? But they know not.
            Al Baqarah : Verse 13

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by i.badat View Post

              What! Sorry, I assumed you would have differentiated between the emotional needs of a wife and a Mother.

              All you need to do is pay attention to your Mother's family needs whilst you are with your wife. You've already said you're willing to visit/help/talk to her and that's mashaAllah a very good approach. You just need to console and re-assure her at the moment, and not, in the process of trying to make her understand, make her feel abandoned. I guess you're doing that at the moment as well inshaAllah, so keep doing it!

              How you have related emotional needs to incest is beyond me!
              You should have clarified this at start, the way you worded it made it seem like I should be there to fulfill her emotional needs, when that's not correct.

              What you have now said is not really fulfilling emotional needs, but keeping good company with her and having a healthy mother son relationship, where I visit and I am there to help out etc

              Comment


              • #8
                Are you South Asian? South Asian parents, especially mums, are totally ridiculous. They want to keep their children at home forever. Even when there isn't enough room for everyone.

                At least the daughters get to move out after marriage, sons are usually blackmailed to stay with their parents for life.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by sahib View Post
                  Are you South Asian? South Asian parents, especially mums, are totally ridiculous. They want to keep their children at home forever. Even when there isn't enough room for everyone.

                  At least the daughters get to move out after marriage, sons are usually blackmailed to stay with their parents for life.
                  Yes I am South Asian, I just wish that parents in our culture gave their children some space to be able to act like men, to allow us to make our own decisions.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by mu'min25 View Post

                    You should have clarified this at start, the way you worded it made it seem like I should be there to fulfill her emotional needs, when that's not correct.

                    What you have now said is not really fulfilling emotional needs, but keeping good company with her and having a healthy mother son relationship, where I visit and I am there to help out etc
                    bro, will bear that in mind next time someone else presents a similar scenario

                    Maybe emotional needs is the wrong word then. A healthy mother-son relationship perfectly sums it up.
                    وَإِذَا قِيلَ لَهُمۡ ءَامِنُواْ كَمَآ ءَامَنَ ٱلنَّاسُ قَالُوٓاْ أَنُؤۡمِنُ كَمَآ ءَامَنَ ٱلسُّفَهَآءُ*ۗ أَلَآ إِنَّهُمۡ هُمُ ٱلسُّفَهَآءُ وَلَـٰكِن لَّا يَعۡلَمُونَ


                    And when it is said unto them: believe as the people believe, they say: Shall we believe as the foolish believe? Beware! They indeed are the foolish? But they know not.
                    Al Baqarah : Verse 13

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by mu'min25 View Post

                      Yes I am South Asian, I just wish that parents in our culture gave their children some space to be able to act like men, to allow us to make our own decisions.
                      Men aren't given space, men make space - all with wisdom and tact and fulfilling the rights of all of those around us.
                      وَإِذَا قِيلَ لَهُمۡ ءَامِنُواْ كَمَآ ءَامَنَ ٱلنَّاسُ قَالُوٓاْ أَنُؤۡمِنُ كَمَآ ءَامَنَ ٱلسُّفَهَآءُ*ۗ أَلَآ إِنَّهُمۡ هُمُ ٱلسُّفَهَآءُ وَلَـٰكِن لَّا يَعۡلَمُونَ


                      And when it is said unto them: believe as the people believe, they say: Shall we believe as the foolish believe? Beware! They indeed are the foolish? But they know not.
                      Al Baqarah : Verse 13

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by i.badat View Post

                        bro, will bear that in mind next time someone else presents a similar scenario

                        Maybe emotional needs is the wrong word then. A healthy mother-son relationship perfectly sums it up.
                        Barakallahu feek for understanding bro, balancing all these relationships definitely requires wisdom and effort.

                        May Allah grant us the tawfeeq to be the best sons as well as best husbands. Ameen.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by sahib View Post
                          Are you South Asian? South Asian parents, especially mums, are totally ridiculous. They want to keep their children at home forever. Even when there isn't enough room for everyone.

                          At least the daughters get to move out after marriage, sons are usually blackmailed to stay with their parents for life.
                          They move out of thier parents house to move in with the sons and live with the in laws (some not all).

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by mu'min25 View Post

                            Yes I am South Asian, I just wish that parents in our culture gave their children some space to be able to act like men, to allow us to make our own decisions.
                            Yeah it's really sad to see. The worst thing is the children grow up hating the control but then repeat the same mistakes again.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Mintchocchip View Post

                              They move out of thier parents house to move in with the sons and live with the in laws (some not all).
                              So true. If the daughters are married within the same community they end up serving the husbands mother instead of their own mother.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X