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  • Wives on different continents

    In our social circle we know a handful of families (mainly South Asian) where the husband has 2 wives on different continents.

    The pattern usually is that when the man is young he marries one of his cousins from the home country. They live together, they have children, she gets old. He then divorces her in secular/foreign law but not an Islamic talaq. So Islamically they are still married. He takes her back to the home country and leaves her there.

    He marries a younger cousin from the home country as a second Islamic wife and brings her back abroad marrying her under the secular/foreign law. He stays with the younger wife but sends a very minimal amount of money back to the older first wife for her maintenance.

    The older wives dont want to ask for divorce because of the shame in their community and are threatened with divorce if they leave the home country. One of them went to an Imam and he told her the guy is entitled to do that and if she doesn't like it she should ask for a divorce which she doesn't want.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Nabihah.C View Post
    In our social circle we know a handful of families (mainly South Asian) where the husband has 2 wives on different continents.

    The pattern usually is that when the man is young he marries one of his cousins from the home country. They live together, they have children, she gets old. He then divorces her in secular/foreign law but not an Islamic talaq. So Islamically they are still married. He takes her back to the home country and leaves her there.

    He marries a younger cousin from the home country as a second Islamic wife and brings her back abroad marrying her under the secular/foreign law. He stays with the younger wife but sends a very minimal amount of money back to the older first wife for her maintenance.

    The older wives dont want to ask for divorce because of the shame in their community and are threatened with divorce if they leave the home country. One of them went to an Imam and he told her the guy is entitled to do that and if she doesn't like it she should ask for a divorce which she doesn't want.
    Tried finding a new social circle?

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    • #3
      Becoming such a common trend that they even made a documentary on it once called 'the forgotten wives'. It has happened within my family too

      And the scenario wasn't even that the first wife got old, they simply married the first cousin-wife because they were pressured by parents. Got them pregnant and left them there and then married a woman in their own country too, sometime to spite their parents and other times just done out of convenience or because this was always his original preference. And then they would send enough money back for their child and at times even try to bring the child over but not the wife (of course they were never successful but in an ideal world for them thats what they wanted to do) its disgusting but hopefully this will teach parents to stop pressurising their children into marrying women they are not really interested in. and stop parents from abroad from pressurising their daughters into marrying men simply because he lives in the west. the poor children have to suffer as a result of the parents stubbornness.
      Last edited by reached; 23-06-20, 10:04 PM.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by reached View Post
        Becoming such a common trend that they even made a documentary on it once called 'the forgotten wives'. It has happened within my family too
        Do you have a link to that. I want to watch it.

        It's a really big problem, especially in the South Asian community. These guys at least seem to be paying for their extra wives from their own money.

        There is one arab family my cousin knows, where the husband has 3 wives but he refuses to marry any of the wives under the secular/foreign law. He says there is no need when you have Nikkah. He only does an Islamic Nikkah with his wives.

        His wives then claim for accommodation and child benefits from the government. He doesn't work because he says nobody will give him a job because of his beard, his thawb and the fact he insists on praying 5 times a day. Instead he is unemployed with no home and just spends a few days with one wife, then the 2nd, then the 3rd then back to the first one again.

        So much of weird stuff like this going on out there. We have to be really careful about the sort of guys we are considering as prospectives.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Nabihah.C View Post

          Do you have a link to that. I want to watch it.
          unfortunately not, i just checked youtube and couldn't find it. maybe the title is different, i'm pretty sure i saw it on there.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by reached View Post

            unfortunately not, i just checked youtube and couldn't find it. maybe the title is different, i'm pretty sure i saw it on there.
            Shame. It sounded interesting but I would probably cry when watching it anyway

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            • #7
              That's not right..ive not heard of this btw and im south asian. For anyone marrying more than once..equal treatment is key, and this is definitely not that at all.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Nabihah.C View Post

                Do you have a link to that. I want to watch it.

                It's a really big problem, especially in the South Asian community. These guys at least seem to be paying for their extra wives from their own money.

                There is one arab family my cousin knows, where the husband has 3 wives but he refuses to marry any of the wives under the secular/foreign law. He says there is no need when you have Nikkah. He only does an Islamic Nikkah with his wives.

                His wives then claim for accommodation and child benefits from the government. He doesn't work because he says nobody will give him a job because of his beard, his thawb and the fact he insists on praying 5 times a day. Instead he is unemployed with no home and just spends a few days with one wife, then the 2nd, then the 3rd then back to the first one again.

                So much of weird stuff like this going on out there. We have to be really careful about the sort of guys we are considering as prospectives.
                I think being able to claim accommodation and child benefits is a huge factor in this. Would people do this if that wasn't an option? Yes, but not as much IMO.

                Also I think people need to appreciate the girls that are left abandoned will often not be encouraged to divorce by their parents or community. I would say there is still a huge stigma around divorced women 'back home'. There is also that hope that he might call her over one day.

                The link mentioned earlier is here:

                https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6Om...71&app=desktop

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                • #9
                  Another one is brothers getting wealthy in the UK, then they build a holiday / retirement home in their home country and before the first wife can enjoy that he marries a new younger wife from there and she lives in that home and the first wife is left in the UK alone or he goes back and forth between the two.

                  I'm a big believer in the sunnah of polygamy being able to solve many of the social ills of the ummah, but the way most brothers go about it is dhulm, and they will be answerable for it before Allah.

                  Subhanallah some guys carry around these secret marriages / 2nd / 3rd wives, because they fear the reaction of the first, why don't they fear her reaction on the day of judgement when she will be in front of Allah and he will answer for every lie he told her, every time he cheated one wife out of her time, or a share of his wealth etc.

                  Polygamy is no joke, we need to stop taking it so lightly.
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                  • #10
                    This secret wife thing is beyond me. Seems like UK has a lot of drama with marriage bandits and secret wives. It's so selfish. Just tell the woman!! Is that so hard.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Nabihah.C View Post

                      Do you have a link to that. I want to watch it.

                      It's a really big problem, especially in the South Asian community. These guys at least seem to be paying for their extra wives from their own money.
                      Where is your evidence that this is a really big problem? I have no doubt some stupid things go on but I have seen nothing to suggest it’s widespread.


                      Originally posted by Nabihah.C View Post
                      There is one arab family my cousin knows, where the husband has 3 wives but he refuses to marry any of the wives under the secular/foreign law. He says there is no need when you have Nikkah. He only does an Islamic Nikkah with his wives.
                      That’s great, he’s following the only law that matters.

                      Originally posted by Nabihah.C View Post

                      His wives then claim for accommodation and child benefits from the government. He doesn't work because he says nobody will give him a job because of his beard, his thawb and the fact he insists on praying 5 times a day. Instead he is unemployed with no home and just spends a few days with one wife, then the 2nd, then the 3rd then back to the first one again.
                      If these households are happy with their situation then great. You have these sisters who have their own accommodation and money yet stay married to this brother. Wonderful, good on them all.


                      Originally posted by Nabihah.C View Post
                      So much of weird stuff like this going on out there. We have to be really careful about the sort of guys we are considering as prospectives.
                      Wonderful, get your wali to help you out.




                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post

                        Where is your evidence that this is a really big problem? I have no doubt some stupid things go on but I have seen nothing to suggest it’s widespread.
                        Originally posted by Creamcake View Post
                        That's not right..ive not heard of this btw and im south asian. For anyone marrying more than once..equal treatment is key, and this is definitely not that at all.
                        There's two of us already in this small thread that have heard about. There have been shows made about it. Like the one below..

                        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6Om...SbpD5rq3oEhw_g

                        It's a big enough problem that it is now a recognised form of domestic abuse under law. But you can keep on denying that it happens in your own heads if it makes you feel better.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by LaylaAb View Post
                          This secret wife thing is beyond me. Seems like UK has a lot of drama with marriage bandits and secret wives. It's so selfish. Just tell the woman!! Is that so hard.
                          Originally posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
                          I'm a big believer in the sunnah of polygamy being able to solve many of the social ills of the ummah, but the way most brothers go about it is dhulm, and they will be answerable for it before Allah.

                          What's your opinion that it's a dhulm based on? In the other thread I mentioned, something similar happened to someone I know and she was told by the Imam that Islam does not require the man to inform any of his wives he is getting married again or even that he has another family.

                          So if it is allowed then how will he be questioned on something that is halal?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post

                            That’s great, he’s following the only law that matters.

                            If these households are happy with their situation then great. You have these sisters who have their own accommodation and money yet stay married to this brother. Wonderful, good on them all.
                            Originally posted by AX1300 View Post
                            I think being able to claim accommodation and child benefits is a huge factor in this. Would people do this if that wasn't an option? Yes, but not as much IMO.

                            I guess it comes down to morality. If your morality says it's ok to abuse a welfare system that is not intended for polygamy but is there to help the unemployed and single mothers. If you think it is moral to use that system to run polygamous households. Then that is your morality.
                            Last edited by Nabihah.C; 24-06-20, 01:45 PM.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Nabihah.C View Post


                              I guess it comes down to morality. If your morality says it's ok to abuse a welfare system that is not intended for polygamy but is there to help the unemployed and single mothers. If you think it is moral to use that system to run polygamous households. Then that is your morality.
                              I'm perfectly fine with it.

                              Those women are unemployed.

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