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  • On the edge of giving up

    I recently got married 5 months ago and currently living with in laws. As soon as I came into this house my mother in law started showing her dislike for me very subtly through her actions. At first for the initial couple of months I thought maybe I’m imagining things. But now she’s openly started messing with me to the point where even my husband noticed that okay his mother is being unreasonable in some things. But the problem is at the end of the day he doesn’t ever take a stand for me. I am 3 months pregnant and I feel like I am all alone in this. I don’t have parents siblings or friends. No one to talk to. My husband is nice to me some days but when I call out his mothers actions in front of him he goes all cold turkey on me. I cry every single day and I’m worried something might happen to my baby. I’m posting on a random forum to find someone to talk to because the only other option I feel like I have is killing myself because I’m so alone in all this

  • #2
    I'm so sorry you're going through this in your vulnerable state with nowhere to turn. May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen

    He knows everything you're going through and all that you feel. I hope there is a way through for you, ask Allah to show you a way through.

    I have strong opinions on this topic but I'm not saying anything here because you're already in this situation now so it won't help you. I hope it gets better for you. Please look after yourself.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Bearsrus View Post
      I recently got married 5 months ago and currently living with in laws. As soon as I came into this house my mother in law started showing her dislike for me very subtly through her actions. At first for the initial couple of months I thought maybe I’m imagining things. But now she’s openly started messing with me to the point where even my husband noticed that okay his mother is being unreasonable in some things. But the problem is at the end of the day he doesn’t ever take a stand for me. I am 3 months pregnant and I feel like I am all alone in this. I don’t have parents siblings or friends. No one to talk to. My husband is nice to me some days but when I call out his mothers actions in front of him he goes all cold turkey on me. I cry every single day and I’m worried something might happen to my baby. I’m posting on a random forum to find someone to talk to because the only other option I feel like I have is killing myself because I’m so alone in all this
      My beloved sister, hang in there dear. You will come out of this stronger inshaa Allah. I know it doesn't feel nice not knowing what to do, but one pathway is always open- beg your Lord for assistance and opening. When you cry, direct your tears unto Him. Beg Allah to open your husband's heart and to rectify your situation. Keep yourself busy with acts of remembrance and obedience as much as possible.

      I really wish I could say more. Ask us inshaa Allah if there is anyway we can help. Allah assist you my dear. Ameen.

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      • #4
        May Allah SWT make it easy for you and get you out of this difficult situation.

        make a lot of dua sister and remember

        For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. (Ash-Sharh : 5)

        Last edited by Farah. A; 23-05-20, 04:59 AM.

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        • #5
          Is it possible some sisters could reach out to her and provide some support
          "My servants, you who have transgressed against yourselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Truly Allah forgives all wrong actions. He is the Ever-Forgiving, the Most Merciful." (Surat az-Zumar: 53)

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          • #6
            Originally posted by SeekingtheCreator View Post

            My beloved sister, hang in there dear. You will come out of this stronger inshaa Allah. I know it doesn't feel nice not knowing what to do, but one pathway is always open- beg your Lord for assistance and opening. When you cry, direct your tears unto Him. Beg Allah to open your husband's heart and to rectify your situation. Keep yourself busy with acts of remembrance and obedience as much as possible.

            I really wish I could say more. Ask us inshaa Allah if there is anyway we can help. Allah assist you my dear. Ameen.
            Thank you for your kind words sister. All I really need is someone to talk to who can understand me and my feelings towards my situation. However the more I try to explain myself to my husband the worse I come off as

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            • #7
              I am not sure what to say about your mother in law, she shouldn't be treating you so harshly. But mothers do tend to be very attached to their sons and could develop ill feelings towards the woman who takes them away.

              I know it's difficult and your husband should stand up for you and defend you especially now that you are pregnant.

              Make dua of course and put your faith in Allah but also try to find something that can keep you busy and make you happy when things get bad. Its always good to have a healthy outlet that you can turn to especially when you're in the situation that you are in. Be patient and try not to let her see that she is bothering you so much. Don't give her that kind of power.

              I ask Allah to make things easy for you and to improve your situation and to give you a heathy and happy baby.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Bearsrus View Post

                Thank you for your kind words sister. All I really need is someone to talk to who can understand me and my feelings towards my situation. However the more I try to explain myself to my husband the worse I come off as
                I empathise with you dear sister. Know that you are not wrong in your feelings and concerns. It seems like your husband is gaslighting you and making you doubt yourself constantly. Let me assure you that you should not feel guilty. You are a human and you have your needs, which are not being fulfilled.

                This is one situation I think you need to get someone to arbitrate between you and your husband. Your husband needs to be taken to account for this. I do not mean to say that you should be bad towards him, no rather you should continue your obedience and kindness, but there is also some action that is needed. If you know of any scholar or scholars that can come to help you then that will be best. The scholar needs to clearly lay things down with your husband and provoke him to act.

                The truly heart wrenching point is that you have no one else to turn to. Usually, I would suggest you request your husband to send you to your parents for a while, but that is not seeming to be possible. It also seems that he is using this against you.

                So, try to search for a reliable scholar to come to your aid and, in the meanwhile, continue to kindly persist in explaining the situation to your husband. Tell him how you feel and ask him what he can do for you. If he has any empathy, he will come to your aid and support you inshaa Allah.

                Comment


                • #9
                  never live with in laws

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                  • #10
                    How is it you have no family or friends? Where did your husband find you? Great you got yourself pregnant so that complicates things. Anyway, in your situation my advice in the short term is to toughen up and suck it up. I appreciate due to pregnancy your hormones may be magnifying everything and it seems like the end of the world. Whatever "messing" your MIL is doing, you have to not let it get to you. As long as she isn't beating you up or endangering you, just let it slide for now. Start using your brain to think of a plan of action to change the situation for the better and have faith that Allah will make a way out for you.
                    Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the worlds ending!

                    None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Bearsrus View Post
                      I recently got married 5 months ago and currently living with in laws. As soon as I came into this house my mother in law started showing her dislike for me very subtly through her actions. At first for the initial couple of months I thought maybe I’m imagining things. But now she’s openly started messing with me to the point where even my husband noticed that okay his mother is being unreasonable in some things. But the problem is at the end of the day he doesn’t ever take a stand for me. I am 3 months pregnant and I feel like I am all alone in this. I don’t have parents siblings or friends. No one to talk to. My husband is nice to me some days but when I call out his mothers actions in front of him he goes all cold turkey on me. I cry every single day and I’m worried something might happen to my baby. I’m posting on a random forum to find someone to talk to because the only other option I feel like I have is killing myself because I’m so alone in all this
                      Do you have any relatives? What a wali/mahram?

                      You don't need this stress especially as you are pregnant. You need to focus on your wellbeing and that of your unborn child. Do not think that you are alone and do not even contemplate suicide.

                      Your husband may continue dismissing your feelings if he knows he can get away with it. You need to step up a bit and tell him to talk to his mother, if he does not then are there other people in the house who you can talk to?

                      If your husband does not do anything about it then you really need an outsider involved. The first person to contact would be your own mahram/wali. (Who was your wali at the nikah)? Does your husband have extended family? You could speak to an elder/respected relative from his side.

                      Tell your husband next time anything happens he has to stick up for you. Give him a few chances and also tell you will ask for outside help if he fails to help you.

                      I don't know which country you live in but can't your husband provide you with own place even if renting? Ask him and if he refuses or says he can't afford it etc then if in UK ask the council to help you out.

                      In the meantime just try and stay out of your mother in laws way and ignore her. I know it can be difficult as you maybe sharing a kitchen.

                      When she upsets you talk to Allah swt. Do plenty of dua and ask Allah swt to help you. Look after yourself and the gift Allah swt has blessed you with (the baby).

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Sister please join a woman's group, even if it's a new mums group or any classes or online community even, your local community centre will have information on this.

                        Occupy yourself with other tasks that our your mind at ease, such as knitting baby clothes or reading Quran.

                        When you are feeling calm and composed, speak very calmly to your husband about how him not standing up for you is affecting you. Try not to shout or cry, because he may dismiss you as being emotional or irrational. Practise what you will say and communicate your message very clearly.

                        Often I have seen such in laws or husband that will upset their wives so much that heir wives fall into depression and cry, then they use the excuse that she is overly emotional or she is crazy etc etc. If you notice your in laws enjoying getting a reaction out of you, please try to not give them a reaction. I know it's hard but I have came across such people who enjoy making others lives difficult.

                        Please take a lot of care of yourself and if at any point you feel that you are having thoughts of suicide or self harm, please please contact your local gp or emergency service. Depression is quite common in pregnant women and doctors will be able to step in and help, please don't think you are an unfit mum or they will snatch your child. They are there to help you.

                        May Allah ease your difficulties inshAllah

                        ​​​

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by rabbait View Post
                          Sister please join a woman's group, even if it's a new mums group or any classes or online community even, your local community centre will have information on this.

                          Occupy yourself with other tasks that our your mind at ease, such as knitting baby clothes or reading Quran.

                          When you are feeling calm and composed, speak very calmly to your husband about how him not standing up for you is affecting you. Try not to shout or cry, because he may dismiss you as being emotional or irrational. Practise what you will say and communicate your message very clearly.

                          Often I have seen such in laws or husband that will upset their wives so much that heir wives fall into depression and cry, then they use the excuse that she is overly emotional or she is crazy etc etc. If you notice your in laws enjoying getting a reaction out of you, please try to not give them a reaction. I know it's hard but I have came across such people who enjoy making others lives difficult.

                          Please take a lot of care of yourself and if at any point you feel that you are having thoughts of suicide or self harm, please please contact your local gp or emergency service. Depression is quite common in pregnant women and doctors will be able to step in and help, please don't think you are an unfit mum or they will snatch your child. They are there to help you.

                          May Allah ease your difficulties inshAllah

                          ​​​
                          Good advice but don't say insha'Allah after a dua.

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