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Giving Up On Life

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  • Giving Up On Life

    I'll start from the beginning. I was born in a very old fashioned Pakistani family. My father was a government servant in Pakistan he had huge anger issues. He would be gone for weeks and only come home twice a month. He loved me the most as I was the youngest and was cut off from rest of his kids, with his kids not talking to him except me. So I was abused by my brother(phsychological, physical abuse) he made me his personal slave, lashed out on me for even the smallest things, beat me, thought he was supposed to be my drill sargeant. When asked why he would do that he would answer "because our father used to do this to me". My sister did not leave any room, she made me her sex toy, sexually abusing me at the age of 8. Once the scene was witnessed by my mother, once by my middle brother, and once by my uncle in Lahore. None of them said anything.

    Whenever, my cousins/family would visit my city systematically/on purpose they would all exclude me. My brother would embarrass me in front of everyone visiting and would get very violent if I asked to hang out with them. My sister did same by excluding me from all girls who were hanging out in a different room. My mother and her sisters would exclude me from their gatherings as well. So in a room there would be 3 different groups and me sitting by myself all alone. I struggled to make any friends, I fought with people then my family would make fun of me saying "You don't get along with anyone". How do you expect someone to get along with anyone when you are pushing him towards complete social isolation.

    Because I was introduced to sex at a very young age. I became a porn addict by age 12.

    Since that age I have contemplated suicide, leaving home, killing my sister and brother about a billion times by now.

    I began having mental problem(still have em today) no one cared until my grades started falling. Then my wonderful parents took me to a baba g(a sahir/magician) he told me stop watching porn, told my mom to stop my brother from abusing me and gave me tawiz to drink after maghrib for 7 days(yeah I can feel the jin moving in my body as I write this and I've done Ruqyah on myself to know for sure). The Tawiz didn't help(no surprise) I remained a porn addict.

    Looking back my family seems alot like the family of Hazrat Yusuf alai salam.

    Moved to America around 2013. Before that time I generally didn't care about the religion and was drowning in all the misconceptions and misinformation the Indo-Pak subcontinent has to offer. But when I came to America in 2013. I was hosted by my uncle who is a very rightous man.

    I began to listen to good shuyookh/speakers like Nouman Ali Khan, Dr. Israr Ahmed, Mufti Menk, Yasir Qadhi, Abu Ibrahim Hussnain, Tim Humble(learned about Ruqyah from these two). Living in America I struggled with loneliness, struggling to make friends( a whole new level of loneliness), my family struggling with finances etc. I mostly struggled with realizing how badly I had been abused by my own people who were supposed to protect me. My father loved me the most but when he realized I could not become the way he wanted(basically act and think like him) and we had some disagreements he became the passive aggressive psycho abusive like the rest of them.

    In July 2014 I realized I had fallen in love with a cousin of mine. The daughter of the uncle I mentioned earlier. I did istikhara I dreamed of her dressed in heavenly white and feeding me dried figs(dont exactly know what the dream meant) but I felt good while dreaming it and interpreted it to be something good. But I made the mistake of telling my mom what I dreamt(I did not know ulama say do not tell your good dreams to others). And I also told my sister how I felt. A month later they left that house and rented a new one not too far away.

    My family tried everything to paint that family and the girl as Satan incarnate, which worked a little as it made me act out in range in front of them. But it soon fizzled out. Then my family proceeded to paint ME as Satan incarnate this time. Which worked quite a bit. But not to the extent they wanted. Then they went back to excluding me from family events.

    I've had big fights with the family. Years of poison coming out.
    I confronted them about my brother and especially about what my sister did to me(what she did has harmed me the most in my life). They ignored me. I tried telling other relatives. My family made it seem I was the liar and a schemer. It did nothing but to further make me a pariah in my social circle. People taunting me and the like. The father who claims to the judge and mediator in family affairs and the upholder of justice. Cannot do anything against his sister. Society and rishtedars in general see her as innocent as she is a girl.

    They promised me they will get me married etc etc. Go study. I believe they have still been in contact with various peer sahbs(Pakistani Magicians).
    Then my father asked me if he should ask my aunt for the girls hand. I said no because I did not have anything no degree, no house, no profession. But still he did that without telling me and without having me present(basically in a "I'll show you" manner to get revenge for the fights and beating up my brother who used to abuse me). Now they do not let me visit my uncle. They purposefully make me avoid the girl I have loved since 2014. If she were a passing crush why would I still hold on to her emotionally, since 2014 for 6 years?

    I say I want to marry her. But they say we will find you a girl and that marrying close relatives is dangerous because the fallout will be very bad. How do you know you never properly asked for the rishta. You have not done properly what Islam asks you to do. No valid reason. Just assumptions.

    Now I am 23 still a porn addict(much worse I fell into the trap of Satan and saw ladies of the night). I absolutely hate myself. I have no friends. I feel this family has taken so much from me and is not happy with my very existence. They have taken so much in return for what basics a family is supposed to give to a child anyway.

    I hate to type this in the month of Ramadan with a fast that I feel all the duas I made were never heard. What God would put me through this? I did everything in my power to leave sins, become a good person, please my family and please God, but in the end I end up like this? A broken man-child pushed around by the world?

    Was I an unplanned child, Was I adopted by these people or are these people just afflicted with the disease of the hearts that family Yusuf alai salam was afflicted with?
    For years I begged my family and I begged God. That my chastity was in danger. I like the girl just let me marry. But instead I only get suffering and conspiracies?

    Should I just kill myself and let this be over with?
    Should I leave the city and try to build a new life?
    Do I just continue on with this?
    Would I be sinner/jahanammi if I abandon this family after everything I have been through?

  • #2
    I do not know if this is in the right sub forum. If it is not then please redirect me.

    Comment


    • #3
      Salaam Brother,

      It must have taken a lot of courage to write this thread.
      I cannot imagine what you must be going through at such a young age.

      The abuse has affected you very badly. Please do not even think about suicide only God decides when we depart from this world .

      Abuse and Addictions are very serious behaviour and trauma to go through. Have you thought about getting treatment for this ? Perhaps counselling?

      Maybe some time away from your family might do you some good. It is a hard time to get a job due to the pandemic. Keep applying for jobs and perhaps learning something new maybe driving, learning a new language.

      During the last 10 days of Ramadan make sure you pray loads .
      Ask God to forgive your family. Stay safe and strong. God is you never lose hope. This life is a test . Don’t allow it to over power you.

      I pray that God finds you way out of this terrible time in your life and replace with it something better.

      I wish you all the best

      Wasalam
      Green

      "Try to distance yourself from everything that causes you worry and sadness, so that you may always live with peace of mind and an open and tranquil heart, seeking Allah and His worship and working on your worldly and otherworldly matters, for if you try this, you will find rest.

      Comment


      • #4
        Ameen
        "Try to distance yourself from everything that causes you worry and sadness, so that you may always live with peace of mind and an open and tranquil heart, seeking Allah and His worship and working on your worldly and otherworldly matters, for if you try this, you will find rest.

        Comment


        • #5
          My brother it’s just a matter of a couple of days and then Allāh SWA will reward you with Jannah very soon. Have beautiful gracious patience and your Lord will not let you down. Remember he has been watching over you before you even got here, keep full reliance in him and he won’t let you down. It might feel like you were born in a storm but sometimes family can be a test to you.

          Comment


          • #6
            Salam Aleykoum Wa Rahmatullah

            Brother, your chastity is not the most important thing. Many people fall into this trap, they think they are giving good arguments to Allah to marry them by saying "my chastity", and so they don't understand why Allah doesnt respond to them.

            Allah is working on deeper and way more important spiritual troubles than lack of chastity. Today we, people, are full of pride, and thats much worse. We are having fisq inside ourselves. If you want to "help" your God, and make your situation progressively better over the coming days, try this verse, and it will get better inshaAllah.


            فَأَمَّا مَنْ أَعْطَىٰ وَاتَّقَىٰ

            وَصَدَّقَ بِالْحُسْنَىٰ

            فَسَنُيَسِّرُهُ لِلْيُسْرَىٰ

            [٩٢:٧]


            Overall, Patience is always the key. Everything is going to be ok, inshaAllah. He will never let you down, ever.
            Married and Satisfied, elhamdulillah. Can not read answers nor reply, due to lack of time. May Allah Bless you!
            Powerfull recitation : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64JiMaE3VPM&t=499s Idriss Abkar Az Zumar

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Janin-Qamar View Post
              Salam Aleykoum Wa Rahmatullah

              Brother, your chastity is not the most important thing. Many people fall into this trap, they think they are giving good arguments to Allah to marry them by saying "my chastity", and so they don't understand why Allah doesnt respond to them.

              Allah is working on deeper and way more important spiritual troubles than lack of chastity. Today we, people, are full of pride, and thats much worse. We are having fisq inside ourselves. If you want to "help" your God, and make your situation progressively better over the coming days, try this verse, and it will get better inshaAllah.


              فَأَمَّا مَنْ أَعْطَىٰ وَاتَّقَىٰ

              وَصَدَّقَ بِالْحُسْنَىٰ

              فَسَنُيَسِّرُهُ لِلْيُسْرَىٰ

              [٩٢:٧]


              Overall, Patience is always the key. Everything is going to be ok, inshaAllah. He will never let you down, ever.
              Uhhh I heard Yasir Qadhi say if you feel your chastity is in danger then seek a way to get married.

              Comment


              • #8
                Do you mean whatever happened to me was my own fault and I am full of fisq by seeking help??? When you mention the following?

                "Today we, people, are full of pride, and thats much worse. We are having fisq inside ourselves"

                Comment


                • #9
                  I FEEL I WILL ONLY GET MORE PAIN AND POSSIBLE RUIN IF I STAY WITH THESE MANIPULATIVE EVIL LOT. I'VE HEARD SOME ULAMA SAY IN EXTREME SITUATIONS REDUCING TIES IS BETTER THAN STAYING IN ABUSIVE RELATIONS (not cutting ties but reducing them to a very small level).

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Maybe moving to a different city will be better for me.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Brother-Ahmed View Post
                      ...
                      Asalaamualaykum, I recommend the following website to deal with your addiction -
                      https://purifyyourgaze.com/
                      https://www.facebook.com/PurifyYourGaze/

                      Remember the Qur'an verses:

                      94:5-6 https://quran.com/94/
                      SAHIH INTERNATIONAL
                      For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.

                      Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.


                      So with hardship comes ease, so do not think of things like suicide etc... You have a long and good life ahead of you insha'Allah.

                      I would put some distance between you and your family but not breaking ties with them.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Assalaamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh my dear brother.

                        Let me tell you with full certainty, that the circumstances that Allah the Almighty keeps you in whilst in this temporary world is not a reflection of the love that Allah has for us. This is what a logical mind would deduce, whilst the decisions of Allah the Almighty are full of wisdom. Wisdom which start at the boundaries of the limits of the wisdom that is given to humanity.

                        You have a troubled mind, and it is an obviously the result of what seems to be a very troubled upbringing. May Allah the Almighty reward you immensely for having come through such a difficult period of your life. I am sure that in the Hereafter, your status will be of us who others will envy.

                        Therefore, the first thing that I feel you should do is to busy yourself with the Quran. Do the tilaawah of the Quran. Comtemplate over the meanings. This is sure to attract peace and blessings to you from Allah.

                        Sure, a new environment will help you. Steps like this though, need to be taken with a lot of thought. Things become much harder when you are by yourself. But the benefits are plain to see, if everything is as you say..

                        Either way, work towards replacing the things that you are doing that Allah doesn't like, with things that Allah does like. Volunteer for community help organisations. Look for elderly neighbours to help. Be a source of comfort for those less fortunate than us.

                        As you busy yourself in these good works, you will see the help of Allah come soon inshaAllah.
                        وَإِذَا قِيلَ لَهُمۡ ءَامِنُواْ كَمَآ ءَامَنَ ٱلنَّاسُ قَالُوٓاْ أَنُؤۡمِنُ كَمَآ ءَامَنَ ٱلسُّفَهَآءُ*ۗ أَلَآ إِنَّهُمۡ هُمُ ٱلسُّفَهَآءُ وَلَـٰكِن لَّا يَعۡلَمُونَ


                        And when it is said unto them: believe as the people believe, they say: Shall we believe as the foolish believe? Beware! They indeed are the foolish? But they know not.
                        Al Baqarah : Verse 13

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by i.badat View Post
                          Assalaamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh my dear brother.

                          Let me tell you with full certainty, that the circumstances that Allah the Almighty keeps you in whilst in this temporary world is not a reflection of the love that Allah has for us. This is what a logical mind would deduce, whilst the decisions of Allah the Almighty are full of wisdom. Wisdom which start at the boundaries of the limits of the wisdom that is given to humanity.

                          You have a troubled mind, and it is an obviously the result of what seems to be a very troubled upbringing. May Allah the Almighty reward you immensely for having come through such a difficult period of your life. I am sure that in the Hereafter, your status will be of us who others will envy.

                          Therefore, the first thing that I feel you should do is to busy yourself with the Quran. Do the tilaawah of the Quran. Comtemplate over the meanings. This is sure to attract peace and blessings to you from Allah.

                          Sure, a new environment will help you. Steps like this though, need to be taken with a lot of thought. Things become much harder when you are by yourself. But the benefits are plain to see, if everything is as you say..

                          Either way, work towards replacing the things that you are doing that Allah doesn't like, with things that Allah does like. Volunteer for community help organisations. Look for elderly neighbours to help. Be a source of comfort for those less fortunate than us.

                          As you busy yourself in these good works, you will see the help of Allah come soon inshaAllah.
                          Insha Allah brother volunteering is definitely a good option.
                          I am also heavily leaning on changing cities or trying to build a new life, for the safety of my iman and my sanity.
                          I ask all of you on here to please make dua for me. I am struggling with my deen and dunya and feel like I have reached a breaking point.

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