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  • Living with in laws

    This seems to be a topic that I have seen a lot of people mention on here, but I don't know anyone in real life who lives with their in laws or would even agree to that.

    How common is this?

    And what's life like sharing a house with them?

    Not judging, just curious.

  • #2
    My favourite topic


    ​​​​​​I don't want people to get hurt because this is just what I know about my own culture and people. It gets heated because people get offended I am attacking their culture, no worries I am Asian too and I am not going to pretend everything is flowery.

    Yes, it is very common to live with in laws if you are from a desi/south Asian family. Until there is not enough space, one of the son's will move out, be forced out literally. The houses and flats in the UK are very small. A three bedroom house has one bathroom. I spoke about this on another thread in the Islamic lifestyle section and another member also mentioned it on a thread in this section.

    Everyone I know that has lived with in laws will choose to live without them.

    ​​​​​​ Living with them for a few months with the promise the husband will definitely move out is fine, saying that, it is still hard because there is no 'freedom of movement' for the duration of you staying there. It's still not your home and it feels like you are an outsider (this is how I felt).

    The mother in law is not the only problem, there's the father in law (I felt very uncomfortable and he would have an eye on what I am up to), the siblings, lets not forget the family relatives that visit often. There's immense pressure on the typical desi bahoo (daughter in law) to play her part and show up no matter how unwell she maybe. I was always called by mil.
    Nobody asks you for your permission, they will just show up and you will have to accept that you'll be having a shower very late at night.

    I was told to wear hijab at home. I didn't like that. I wear modest clothing anyway and I would drape my dupatta over me but I didn't cover my hair. My hair would be tied back in a ponytail and if guests where to come I would wear hijab. My usual attire would be salwar kameez. There were double standards because the other girls would get away wearing pjs and I felt embarrassed on their behalf because it wasn't modest and it annoyed me because I was being told to cover my hair when my dresses were already baggy and smart. I am used to wearing baggy clothes and would not even walk around wearing pjs in front of my dad or brothers. This is just to give some context that I wasn't walking around like a tart and playing with my hair.

    People can wear what they want but when the father in law is dictating to the dil what to wear and his daughter is walking around with see through pjs, you just want to say teach your kids first mate but that would start a war with the obnoxious daughter they raised. This is one example, there were other examples regarding work but I will keep it short.

    All eyes on me, what i'm doing, if i'm behaving, what i'm eating, if I'm cooking, if i'm being an evil modern dil screaming the roof off and stomping my feet, how many times i'm going to the toilet-LOL.
    People would call for the weekly reports. The walls are thin so I could hear all these conversations.

    I didn't have it as bad as other women, but I am not a woman of patience, not only that, I am a firm believer of not tolerating bad behaviour from people that don't own me, neither am I accountable to them, they have no authority over me whatsoever, why should I even have to tolerate them- I don't. Bravo to the women who suffer in silence for decades but they should not have to as this is oppression.

    There are good in laws where the MIL lets her son do what he wants with his marriage and wife, she doesn't interfere. Very rare, I only know of one.

    Have your own place, the in laws will respect you more when you don't live under their arrangements. We get into squabbles with our own families so moving in with others will be challenging and it is unfair for in laws to expect so much from someone they don't have any responsibility towards. The in laws expect you to be timid and obey their wishes, it is really weird because as I have said many times before on here, they're quite modern in other aspects but they refuse to let go of this one thing.


    ​​
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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    • #3
      ​​NOTE: Please kindly avoid 'liking' my posts. Thank you! (Jazaa'akumullah khair)

      Comment


      • #4
        salaams to all


        for a newly wed couple to stay with his parents, is a recipe for disaster, esp when u take into account the tiny homes and on top of that, the mindset of most Indopak mother in laws.
        even if the couple isnt newly wed, its still better to live on your own.

        Many IndoPak ppl seem to believe that a daughter in law is there to serve her in-laws first and foremost- even giving them preference over her own needs & necessities.
        then u get the stupid guys who are adamant that its their duty to serve their parents by living with them..... and his wife has to put up with whatever nonsense comes her way from his family/parents.

        its your parents, not hers- she has NO duty to serve them and for you to expose her to any pain, discomfort or abuse from them by refusing to live separately, its a BIG sin.


        and Allah ta'ala knows best
        jazakallah
        Sufyaan Thawri "Whoever is very popular with his relations and neighbours, we suspect him to be compromising in preaching the true teachings of religion."
        very good site for English bayaans in MP3 format-check it out- u wont be disappointed: http://www.musjidnoor.za.net/index.html & http://alhaadi.org.za/majlis-program...downloads.html

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Fakhri-bin-Ali View Post
          that bad huh?

          I wonder if there are nice in laws out there. Im sure there are a few like what yasin says but it doesn't seem like its very common :(

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by aelmo View Post

            that bad huh?

            I wonder if there are nice in laws out there. Im sure there are a few like what yasin says but it doesn't seem like its very common :(
            (I was referring to the topic itself, sr Aelmo. Usually descends into pages of passionate ranting with things sometimes turning a bit ugly. Hopefully it won't, though, since it's the month Ramadhan.)
            ​​NOTE: Please kindly avoid 'liking' my posts. Thank you! (Jazaa'akumullah khair)

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            • #7
              To sum everything up, brothers need to ensure their wives get a separate unit, safe from interference and abuse. Most women wouldn't mind living in a hut after experiencing life with a lot of Indopak in laws. I am more than happy in our studio Al hamdu lillah...

              To have a nice relationship with in laws, both sides need to be selfless and not expect anything from each other.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by SeekingtheCreator View Post
                To sum everything up, brothers need to ensure their wives get a separate unit, safe from interference and abuse. Most women wouldn't mind living in a hut after experiencing life with a lot of Indopak in laws. I am more than happy in our studio Al hamdu lillah...

                To have a nice relationship with in laws, both sides need to be selfless and not expect anything from each other.
                This is not just an indo-pak thing, it's common sense. Two women cannot share one kitchen without their being strife, at least a little, never-mind the lack of privacy, toilet / shower time, potential haram free mixing situations with brothers in law, popping around neighbours and cousins etc

                One advice I've always given revert brothers I have helped when they get married is set a little money aside for buying house decorations, redecorating etc, because she is going to want to make it her space, it will become her turf, her home ground and you have to allow that for her sanity and the future success of the marriage.

                If you're forcing a new wife to leave her home, her comfort of her own family unit and come to stop under another woman's roof (and rules) it's a recipe for disaster.
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                • #9
                  Originally posted by aelmo View Post

                  that bad huh?

                  I wonder if there are nice in laws out there. Im sure there are a few like what yasin says but it doesn't seem like its very common :(
                  I had amazing IL's mashaAllah, may Allah swt reunite us together in jennah. BUT, it is still very hard, even with the best of people. Constant influx of people in the house, you don't get any privacy, very hard to put your own stamp on a very established household. When children come they are not yours, they are everybodies and everyone wants to tell you what you are doing wrong. It was impossible to get my children into any routine. We lived there as my MIL was very ill and my husband wanted to spend time with her, it is not normal in our culture to share the same house. A son might might an apartment on top of his parents and share a yard, front gate - never sharing a house in the desi sense. I was talking to my niece yesterday, she has lived very happily in the same building as her ILs for 10 years but another brother recently married and also built on top and she said it has been a complete disaster and she now wants out. Too many cooks spoil the broth, and too many women spoil a home.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Gingerbeardman View Post

                    This is not just an indo-pak thing, it's common sense. Two women cannot share one kitchen without their being strife, at least a little, never-mind the lack of privacy, toilet / shower time, potential haram free mixing situations with brothers in law, popping around neighbours and cousins etc

                    One advice I've always given revert brothers I have helped when they get married is set a little money aside for buying house decorations, redecorating etc, because she is going to want to make it her space, it will become her turf, her home ground and you have to allow that for her sanity and the future success of the marriage.

                    If you're forcing a new wife to leave her home, her comfort of her own family unit and come to stop under another woman's roof (and rules) it's a recipe for disaster.
                    This is excellent advice mashaaAllah but should not just be for revert brothers. In our tradition the house is ready before the boy gets married, so his mother/sisters will have decorated it :-/ Things are changing now as most people rent but I think there is still major lack of awareness of the points you raised re the woman needing to create her own space.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Ok this is how it felt for me. Not sure if everyone will relate:

                      soon as you enter you have taken a pledge to stay loyal to the house.

                      You're their new kitchen model so always look presentable because furniture should look nice.

                      You dont have a say you're a doormat.

                      If they're in a good mood they'll let you go out with your spouse otherwise its roti and you know what...this wont be good for you if you're used to having a variety of different foods

                      You have to see you're family as a threat...they're the bad guys from now on who want to destroy your married life and you have to pull them down at all cost.

                      if you have a degree...well that's great for your mother in law to brag about to her friends because having a degree sounds so pleasant in their ears.

                      The word privacy should be rinsed out of you dictionary. Like you should be like 'huh what's privacy? I'm happy with my mother in law walking in my bedroom when my spouse is there, it's her house after all'. Also who needs private times anyway you now have your mother in law who you can gossip with and watch dramas with...and team up with to get your way.

                      You are also given a free membership trial for a month and if you fail that then....you're gonna get it bad with your in laws including your father in law, who you initially thought was mute.

                      Also you will be constantly reminded of how in debt you are for all the favours the other sister in laws have been doing on your in laws. Yep they're your in laws now they're not your other sister in laws in laws anymore.


                      And so many other things but I'm fasting so I'll leave it at that.
                      Last edited by Flawed; 10-05-20, 12:20 PM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        It never ends well.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Maybe this thread answers my own thread about how to achieve true gratefulness to Allah. Rather be my spinster self than this.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                            My favourite topic


                            ​​​​​​I don't want people to get hurt because this is just what I know about my own culture and people. It gets heated because people get offended I am attacking their culture, no worries I am Asian too and I am not going to pretend everything is flowery.

                            Yes, it is very common to live with in laws if you are from a desi/south Asian family. Until there is not enough space, one of the son's will move out, be forced out literally. The houses and flats in the UK are very small. A three bedroom house has one bathroom. I spoke about this on another thread in the Islamic lifestyle section and another member also mentioned it on a thread in this section.

                            Everyone I know that has lived with in laws will choose to live without them.

                            ​​​​​​ Living with them for a few months with the promise the husband will definitely move out is fine, saying that, it is still hard because there is no 'freedom of movement' for the duration of you staying there. It's still not your home and it feels like you are an outsider (this is how I felt).

                            The mother in law is not the only problem, there's the father in law (I felt very uncomfortable and he would have an eye on what I am up to), the siblings, lets not forget the family relatives that visit often. There's immense pressure on the typical desi bahoo (daughter in law) to play her part and show up no matter how unwell she maybe. I was always called by mil.
                            Nobody asks you for your permission, they will just show up and you will have to accept that you'll be having a shower very late at night.

                            I was told to wear hijab at home. I didn't like that. I wear modest clothing anyway and I would drape my dupatta over me but I didn't cover my hair. My hair would be tied back in a ponytail and if guests where to come I would wear hijab. My usual attire would be salwar kameez. There were double standards because the other girls would get away wearing pjs and I felt embarrassed on their behalf because it wasn't modest and it annoyed me because I was being told to cover my hair when my dresses were already baggy and smart. I am used to wearing baggy clothes and would not even walk around wearing pjs in front of my dad or brothers. This is just to give some context that I wasn't walking around like a tart and playing with my hair.

                            People can wear what they want but when the father in law is dictating to the dil what to wear and his daughter is walking around with see through pjs, you just want to say teach your kids first mate but that would start a war with the obnoxious daughter they raised. This is one example, there were other examples regarding work but I will keep it short.

                            All eyes on me, what i'm doing, if i'm behaving, what i'm eating, if I'm cooking, if i'm being an evil modern dil screaming the roof off and stomping my feet, how many times i'm going to the toilet-LOL.
                            People would call for the weekly reports. The walls are thin so I could hear all these conversations.

                            I didn't have it as bad as other women, but I am not a woman of patience, not only that, I am a firm believer of not tolerating bad behaviour from people that don't own me, neither am I accountable to them, they have no authority over me whatsoever, why should I even have to tolerate them- I don't. Bravo to the women who suffer in silence for decades but they should not have to as this is oppression.

                            There are good in laws where the MIL lets her son do what he wants with his marriage and wife, she doesn't interfere. Very rare, I only know of one.

                            Have your own place, the in laws will respect you more when you don't live under their arrangements. We get into squabbles with our own families so moving in with others will be challenging and it is unfair for in laws to expect so much from someone they don't have any responsibility towards. The in laws expect you to be timid and obey their wishes, it is really weird because as I have said many times before on here, they're quite modern in other aspects but they refuse to let go of this one thing.


                            ​​
                            Am sorry you went through that sis, this is why I don’t want to live with in laws. Because I never hear anything positive plus it’s not really in my culture to do that. So for me it’s a big thing.

                            it’s sad there’s not many men out there who actually want to be independent.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                              My favourite topic

                              ​​
                              Did you know before getting married that you will be living with in-laws? or did they promise a different arrangement?

                              Comment

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