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  • Parents pressure for me to get married

    Over the last couple of months my parents are beginning to pressure me to get married they are not forcing me at all but generally concerned because I am in my late 20s and I should be married by now.

    Even in Ramadan I didn't get a break and it got worse, my mum suggested that I speak to someone she knows through her friend she said that he is a nice and a religious man. She showed me a photo and I did not find the man appealing. I just felt uneasy about the whole idea of speaking to him for the purpose of marriage. My mother started crying her eyes out when I said no to the idea of speaking to him. I was sooo surprised she kept on saying I will never speak to you again and what kind of daughter are you??? also she said everyone in the community knows that I have an old unmarried daughter what will they say??? This is all in Ramadan while I am fasting I didn't have the energy to speak back to my mother so I just agreed to pass over my number. Then sort of ignore the guy when he contacts me and play dump.

    This supposed religious man phoned me while I was fasting I really didn't want to pick up but out of curiosity I did. He didn't speak English so he was speaking in his native language. I didn't think he was a good fit, he is in his late 30s and he doesn't have a proper job, he was divorced once. So I have sent him a text message to say that I don't think that we are a good fit.

    Then my mum got a phone call from my Aunt who told her that her son who is my cousin is looking for someone, he lives in England and has a great job. My mother again spoke to me about it, I am against the whole idea of marrying cousins but my mum insisted that I should give it a go. She started to cry her eyes out as usual and said I will never speak to you if you refuse to consider him. But I simply said no, this guy is my cousin so I really didn't want unnecessary drama. She hasn't spoken to me in 2 days. I feel very hurt and sad, I always told my mum that it's all qadr and my time will come and i will get married if Allah wills that used to calm her down but because I am quickly approaching the big 30 she is panicking and mainly concerned about what other people think about the fact that she has a grown unmarried daughter at home. I've always prayed and fasted since I was a kid and dressed in an islamic manner and stayed away from Haram. What makes me angry inside is the fact that I have an older brother and he is not subjected to the same treatment.

    In addition, I had so many options when I was in my early 20s but I wasn't bothered then , all my mates got married before 25. It's only now that I am panicking especially because I am realising that there is such a small pool of people to choose from. It's a wake up call I got too late, I wish I started meeting people in a halal way of course when I was younger. It makes me sad to think that now people will look down on me and not bother with me because of my age, I do look younger but still. I can happily stay single but I am sick of this whole community judging me, even though I am independent and have a full time job and can look after myself.

  • #2
    Sister, it's natural for a mother to be very anxious and worried about her grown daughter not being married. Some women are not able to sleep the entire night because of it. As it is, the society must be giving her a hard time, the least you can do is be cooperative.

    Understand her concerns and be kind & respectful towards her.

    If she tells you that she thinks so & so will be a good husband for you, do not dismiss her suggestions immediately. Tell her you'll think over it and then reject the person at a later time giving her ample reasons why he will not be suitable.

    As for your cousin, is there any reason you're rejecting him apart from him being your cousin ? If he has the qualities you're looking for in a spouse, you should consider him. You can both move to another city/country if you want to avoid family drama.

    It's the month of mercy, sister. Do not despair or lose hope. Allah's timing is always perfect. Make plenty of duas. InshaAllah, you will be blessed with a pious and loving spouse very soon.

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    • #3
      You shouldn't get married to someone because of community pressure or because you think your time is running out. This will lead to bad decision making. Find someone you like. Don't settle for someone just because you're "old."

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      • #4
        Your mom sounds like my grandma. She is praying day and night that my sisters and I get married soon and I can't have a single conversation with her without her mentioning it. Some of the people who she and my aunt recommended were just the worst but to them the most important thing is to get married no matter what. They wouldn't care if I married someone who spends their time partying with girls or doesn't have a decent job just as long as they can tell everyone they know that I am married.

        That is so wrong. you probably shouldn't have waited so long but don't take just anyone just because you feel like you don't have too many options any more. Not everyone is so shallow and won't accept you because of your age (not that you are that old yet). There are good people out there who are willing to look past that.

        Unfortunately I have no idea how to stop relatives from panicking and I genuinely think that they will never change out of their ways, but I know I'm not wrong so I'm not going to let them manipulate me into accepting the first person who walks by. Just say inshallah to anything they say and try to let them off easy to lessen the yelling.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by aelmo View Post
          Your mom sounds like my grandma. She is praying day and night that my sisters and I get married soon and I can't have a single conversation with her without her mentioning it. Some of the people who she and my aunt recommended were just the worst but to them the most important thing is to get married no matter what. They wouldn't care if I married someone who spends their time partying with girls or doesn't have a decent job just as long as they can tell everyone they know that I am married.

          That is so wrong. you probably shouldn't have waited so long but don't take just anyone just because you feel like you don't have too many options any more. Not everyone is so shallow and won't accept you because of your age (not that you are that old yet). There are good people out there who are willing to look past that.

          Unfortunately I have no idea how to stop relatives from panicking and I genuinely think that they will never change out of their ways, but I know I'm not wrong so I'm not going to let them manipulate me into accepting the first person who walks by. Just say inshallah to anything they say and try to let them off easy to lessen the yelling.
          At this point all they want is for me to get married and have children it doesn't matter with who as long as they are a Muslim. It doesn't matter if I will be happy with said person.

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          • #6
            I can resonate with you, the pressure is something I have been through.

            ​​​​​​I started looking before my parents were serious. There was alot of tension because towards the end I wasn't interested in marriage and I lost hope.
            ​​​​​​
            I think you should consider people but don't let your parents say kabul on your behalf.
            ​​​​
            ​​​​This will continue until you find a man to marry. Your parents will be on your case because parents want to see their child settled, it means they have done their part in life.

            For as long as you are under their roof and single, you are their responsibility. They won't understand us, they have a different way of viewing things and this is what you will have to accept and be patient with.

            ​​​​​​
            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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            • #7
              That must be so hard. I can relate because I am asexual and aromatic and don't plan on getting married or having kids. Thankfully my parents seem understanding about me not wanting to get married. Honestly you should just be honest with your mom and how you feel at the end of the day you are her daughter and she can't hate you forever.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by 21345 View Post

                At this point all they want is for me to get married and have children it doesn't matter with who as long as they are a Muslim. It doesn't matter if I will be happy with said person.
                Well don't let them pressure you to do that.

                May Allah grant you a wonderful husband that you will be happy with. Ameen.

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                • #9
                  I prayed to Allah yesterday and now I am feeling much better alhamdulillah

                  (Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.)

                  (Qur'an 13: 28)

                  Thanks to you all who have replied to my post
                  Last edited by 21345; 30-04-20, 02:08 PM.

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                  • #10
                    Mods please delete this thread...

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