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  • Past has come back to haunt me

    Please don’t judge what I am about to say as for the past month I have been in great pain and depression and need your help to understand.

    I have already prayed and am still praying but I need to know if I will be in trouble as well because my situation is different.

    I have been happily married for 6 months Alhumdulilah. My marriage has mostly been electronic as my husband and I had only met each other for 1 month before departing and making preparations to bring him to the UK.

    Unfortunately, about a month ago my husband had started acting strangely and I found that the reason was someone from my past had informed him of something.

    I have had a past where I have committed sin online but it was not in the sense that people would think. I have sexted with a few men, but had stopped everything after marriage. I am an only child with not many friends and was easily manipulated by people online. I was going through depression and ashamed to say that I took the path of Shaytan, may Allah swt protect us all. When I was in preparation to get married my depression had lifted and I felt like the happiest woman alive that I forgot I even had that past life.

    This unknown person mixed lies with truth to make the lie seem more secure. This person was not my boyfriend nor did I claim that I only married my husband to have a child, nor did I continue relations or commit adultery. I have and will remain loyal to my husband as I love him very much. He said he has got strong evidence but to what extent this evidence is there I am not sure. I don’t even know if my husband has evidence for all the things he has claimed, but he said he will show me some day.

    When my husband threatened to reveal the evidence and send to my family I told him this would be illegal if it was real evidence. That’s what stopped him from sending maybe. I informed my mum because the mistake I made with him I didn’t want to make with my family. Alhumdulilah my family supported me. They knew that what I did I did out of depression and that I am not a characterless woman. They believe in me more than I believe in myself. My mum has given me many prayers to do and duas to read and Alhumdulilah I feel better.

    My husband still believes I am a characterless woman but he doesn’t want to divorce me because it may affect his ability to come to the UK. He was never like this, this situation and this unknown person and Shaytaan has made him this way. He won’t reveal this person because he believes this person has “saved” him.

    Of course, Allah swt is all-forgiving and I will continue to pray for my husband to come back to me. But will Surah An-Nur affect me as well? I did commit a sin but I remained a virgin and loyal to my husband always. I had never been touched by a man yet I feel so exposed. I still remember the nights I cried to Allah praying for forgiveness and saving me from the path I had taken. Alhumdulilah I am a lot better now with an education and possible future but my past has affected my marriage.

    I might not have revealed all the details but I hope I can get some advice. Thank you for reading this patiently.

    Jsk

  • #2
    I think you just need to be 100% honest and open with your husband i.e. tell him exactly what you are telling us if you haven't already.

    We all make mistakes, everyone reading this has, no one is perfect. So for you, just put everything on the table, tell your husband what happened, that it is over, you didn't pursue anything, didn't speak to anyone when with him etc. if he has a problem, or is withholding stuff from you, then that is on him. I don't get the part about him having info and then revealing it to you some day?

    I think you both need clarity in regards to whether you can accept what has happened and make the marriage work. If he has doubts, he needs to tell you and not really beat around the bush. It may take a while for him to reflect and think on the issue, so give him time, but its something you both need to decide on now, otherwise it will crop up over and over and just cause endless problems.

    Comment


    • #3
      I showed honesty and told him everything but to no avail. He says that he still respects me and loves me but his behaviour does not match what he says. My family is assuming that when he comes to the UK he will see that I am really not what I have been portrayed as. I guess I'm worried that because of this covid-19 things will take longer than expected. He does not accept that it was a mistake and that it can be forgiven. I agree that he does need time.

      My family is planning to make him and I recite Surah An-Nur with full faith. I know what I did but not to the extent he has been told. It is such a complicated situation. He was given evidence of some sort by this unknown person and he will reveal to me the evidence he had received. He says that I have shattered his innocence and simplicity and that he will never love me the same again. This is painful to even type. Now he is talking to other females on Facebook. I am worried that he will develop feelings for one of them and commit real zina. I can only pray to Allah swt now.

      You are right, however, he needs to come here and we need to talk it through as the distance is creating more issues.

      I appreciate your help.

      Jsk

      Comment


      • #4

        Why is he talking to females? How do you know he is talking to them, did he tell you?
        What you did is in the past. If he can't deal with it then he should divorce you, but for him to go and commit sins while being married to you is unacceptable.


        ​​​​​​

        Comment


        • #5
          The reality is he will never see you the same again. Even if he marries you. He will always keep what you did in the back of his mind, and he may use it against you in the future.

          Comment


          • #6
            Main problem. His pride is hurt hence the image of you in his eyes has changed. Try to deal with this first. With total honesty.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Twister682 View Post
              I showed honesty and told him everything but to no avail. He says that he still respects me and loves me but his behaviour does not match what he says. My family is assuming that when he comes to the UK he will see that I am really not what I have been portrayed as. I guess I'm worried that because of this covid-19 things will take longer than expected. He does not accept that it was a mistake and that it can be forgiven. I agree that he does need time.

              My family is planning to make him and I recite Surah An-Nur with full faith. I know what I did but not to the extent he has been told. It is such a complicated situation. He was given evidence of some sort by this unknown person and he will reveal to me the evidence he had received. He says that I have shattered his innocence and simplicity and that he will never love me the same again. This is painful to even type. Now he is talking to other females on Facebook. I am worried that he will develop feelings for one of them and commit real zina. I can only pray to Allah swt now.

              You are right, however, he needs to come here and we need to talk it through as the distance is creating more issues.

              I appreciate your help.

              Jsk
              I don't understand his behaviour.

              Why is he talking to other girls on Facebook? that is wrong. It can't be justified by saying you spoke to someone before etc. You should tell him he should not be doing that, he is not getting back at you, he is sinning.

              Also, what is the relationship between this person and the other person you spoke with. It seems as though someone is exaggerating and feeding lies and you have no control over this sadly. This will be a constant - so please take that seriously.

              The situation is not ideal and if he is not going to act maturely in the matter then just speak to your parents and decide on the best course of action. The worst thing you can do is kind of hope for the best, and prolong things. You need to decide.

              In our family one of my brothers got his arm twisted and ended up marrying a girl back home, when he came back to the UK he was not happy and didn't want to be with her. I was obviously annoyed with him for going along with it in the first place, he was and is still very immature. So then other family advised, lets bring the girl over, they might get along, they will have a kid and then everything will be okay. Again I spoke with my brother and knowing his nature I knew it would not work and I took it upon myself to tell all parties involved to call it a day. I was angry with my brother and told him how its harder for a girl in this situation. So, I obviously got it in the neck, everyone blamed me but tbh I didn't care. My mum was angry with me for years. But anyone with any insight could see it was destined for failure, so they decided to divorce. A year or so after and the girl married someone else, she is happy. When the issue comes up I say openly as a family we did something wrong, it was our mistake.

              People get themselves into situations and sometimes there is no 'right way' which to fix everything and keep every party happy. Someone is going to be hurt, feel sad, feel humiliated, hurt etc. but you have to look at the bigger picture and do what is 'right'. Take ego, pride out of the equation.
              Last edited by AX1300; 28-04-20, 11:07 PM.

              Comment


              • #8
                I agree with other responses.

                Remember what you say is that what you did is all of it. But for him, he will feel like he's just at the tip of the iceberg and thinking, "Who knows what else she's been doing?" From his perspective, that's clear red flags.

                If he made a thread with what he knew, most would advise him to run away, I believe. You think you repented and changed but does he know that? He can't.

                If he was experienced with women maybe he could shake it off, but if he's conservative and not had previous relationships with women he won't accept this.

                As for coming to the UK, yep 5D chess move that. Should have been a better actor, otherwise this thread wouldn't exist.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by AX1300 View Post

                  I don't understand his behaviour.

                  Why is he talking to other girls on Facebook? that is wrong. It can't be justified by saying you spoke to someone before etc. You should tell him he should not be doing that, he is not getting back at you, he is sinning.
                  Maybe booking reservations for future marriage volunteers in case he decides to pull the plug on this one?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    1. Your husband must decide now whether he wants to look past it and go forward it cant be stored in the archives for future emotional black mail and torture.
                    2. Whatever your husband is saying you did let him bring proof and give you a chance to explain and drop it or leave you to live with someone who wants to be with you.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Twister682 View Post
                      Please don’t judge what I am about to say as for the past month I have been in great pain and depression and need your help to understand.

                      I have already prayed and am still praying but I need to know if I will be in trouble as well because my situation is different.

                      I have been happily married for 6 months Alhumdulilah. My marriage has mostly been electronic as my husband and I had only met each other for 1 month before departing and making preparations to bring him to the UK.

                      Unfortunately, about a month ago my husband had started acting strangely and I found that the reason was someone from my past had informed him of something.

                      I have had a past where I have committed sin online but it was not in the sense that people would think. I have sexted with a few men, but had stopped everything after marriage. I am an only child with not many friends and was easily manipulated by people online. I was going through depression and ashamed to say that I took the path of Shaytan, may Allah swt protect us all. When I was in preparation to get married my depression had lifted and I felt like the happiest woman alive that I forgot I even had that past life.

                      This unknown person mixed lies with truth to make the lie seem more secure. This person was not my boyfriend nor did I claim that I only married my husband to have a child, nor did I continue relations or commit adultery. I have and will remain loyal to my husband as I love him very much. He said he has got strong evidence but to what extent this evidence is there I am not sure. I don’t even know if my husband has evidence for all the things he has claimed, but he said he will show me some day.

                      When my husband threatened to reveal the evidence and send to my family I told him this would be illegal if it was real evidence. That’s what stopped him from sending maybe. I informed my mum because the mistake I made with him I didn’t want to make with my family. Alhumdulilah my family supported me. They knew that what I did I did out of depression and that I am not a characterless woman. They believe in me more than I believe in myself. My mum has given me many prayers to do and duas to read and Alhumdulilah I feel better.

                      My husband still believes I am a characterless woman but he doesn’t want to divorce me because it may affect his ability to come to the UK. He was never like this, this situation and this unknown person and Shaytaan has made him this way. He won’t reveal this person because he believes this person has “saved” him.

                      Of course, Allah swt is all-forgiving and I will continue to pray for my husband to come back to me. But will Surah An-Nur affect me as well? I did commit a sin but I remained a virgin and loyal to my husband always. I had never been touched by a man yet I feel so exposed. I still remember the nights I cried to Allah praying for forgiveness and saving me from the path I had taken. Alhumdulilah I am a lot better now with an education and possible future but my past has affected my marriage.

                      I might not have revealed all the details but I hope I can get some advice. Thank you for reading this patiently.

                      Jsk
                      We live in a very, very sick society. If a person has truly repented from his/her sins and wants to move on, there are malicious people who will still shame that person for their past life and ensure that everyone around the person also does the same.

                      They're miserable people who're deeply unhappy in their own lives and cannot digest the fact how anyone else can live happily. So, they cause trouble and try to make others around them unhappy too. I think that's the case with the troublemaker who unnecessarily caused a rift between you and your husband by bringing up your past.

                      Sister, think very very deeply. You've only lived with your husband for 1 month.

                      It's indeed natural for any man with gheerah to be deeply upset and repulsed to find about his wife's unpleasant past. However, since you've repented sincerely, changed your ways and also vowed to be the best wife you can in the future, is your husband big-hearted enough to let go of your past and concentrate on your future together ?

                      You cannot change the past now, no matter how hard you try. It's gone forever. He will just have to accept what's happened has happened.

                      The question is, will he get over it eventually and trust you or will he remain suspicious forever? Will he keep bringing your past in future arguments/disagreements? Will he keep taunting and insulting you for it? Will he keep threatening to expose your past to others and put you down about it for the rest of your life ? Will he turn to FB females anytime there's a problem in your marriage ? If another troublemaker goes to him again with another bunch of false stories and put doubts against you to him, will he believe you or will he entertain that person?

                      Is he indeed capable of giving you love, honour and respect that he formerly did or is he merely tolerating your presence for now as he wants to use you to get to the UK ?

                      Tell him you've changed your mind. Instead of him coming to the UK, you have decided to go & stay with him in his country and see his reaction. Cook up a story and make it as realistic as possible. If he backs out or makes excuses, know that he plans to dump you as soon as he gets his visa.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Let him stay wherever is

                        you can start fresh with someone new

                        otherwise,prepare to beinsulted and embarrassed everyday for the rest of yourlife

                        and he will tell your children
                        .لا نريد زعيما يخاف البيت الإبيض
                        نريد زعيما يخاف الواحد الأحد
                        دولة الإسلامية باقية





                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Thank you to everyone who have responded. I deeply appreciate. As I said in my earlier post I have left out some details.

                          The truth is, he had been talking to this unknown person for 2 and a half months. His FB is very public so anyone can send him a friend request. A person with a fake ID sent him a friend request and fed him information about me mixed with lies. My husband said it was someone who knew me from a very young age when the person I am thinking of I only knew for about a month. So many clues do not match. My family is assuming it might be one of my cousins who accessed my information. She is very good at accessing information. She has done it with other family members in the past. Yes, you guessed it in the beginning he referred to this unknown person as a she "she saved me". He had promised this person he would not reveal the name, so when he realised that he was giving clues about who it may be he switched to referring to this person as a man.

                          I would like to point out that he was never a bad person. If he was truly like this he would have sent my evidence a long time ago without informing me and filed for divorce. Or he would have waited to come to the UK before revealing everything.

                          He is talking to other females who are infatuated towards him, he told me that they have been sending him inappropriate content but he did not respond to them. He even spoke to one of them on video call and she offered to show him inappropriate things and he got scared and cut the call. I don't know how well to believe this. At the time, I trusted my husband because I know how he was, but because of this situation he may have changed. He told me he was 'frustrated', my brothers and sisters my husband is not as believing as I am. For him to commit indecency, especially after this should not be a problem. However, I also know him he was never like this.

                          Until the evidence was shown, he did not believe this person. He has already got the visa to the UK but due to Covid-19 he is unable to come. He posted on facebook that he got the UK visa, it was after this that things began to change. Whoever this person is, wanted to make sure this marriage broke and that he would not be able to come to the UK. If all else fails, at least he would not be able to give me the same love and respect as he once used to (this part is successful).

                          He barely knows me so believing what I say is out of the question. Like I said he has had experience with girls before, and he has been in previous relationships but they were a lot worse than me. Astagfirullah there is one woman still pestering him even though she is married with a two year old child! She even proposed to him 3 weeks ago. Many women have been after him in the past and the worst thing is that he is letting them do this. Here I am with no relationship with anyone else and so many women are ready to him his second, third and fourth. There has been so much misunderstanding between us that I don't know what to believe anymore.

                          Please also be informed that I was never a characterless woman, if I was I would not be sending this thread as I would have thought what I did was ok and filed for divorce myself rather than wanting to save this marriage. I had fallen prey to the norms of an app without realising that the purpose of this app was not to give comfort but to give me trouble.

                          I guess there is not much else to say about this matter. I just thought I would inform these details as well.

                          Jsk

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Unfortunately some men are like this. If a woman slips up she is u chase even, in your case, if she is a virgin. But if he slips up you cant question it. Your still the bad one. Some men just have this mentality. That they god gift and can do whatever but if you slip up your evil and unchase.


                            just cut him out of your life otherwise hes going to keep playing all these crappy games on you.

                            what you can do is domsincere taubah and ask Allah to help you find a spouse that will honour you and keep you happy. You dont want these kind of snakes in your life.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Sister, I know it is not easy to share all this and I am sorry you have go through all the pain and heartache. May Allah easy your pain, ameen.

                              You don't have children with him, so please make the right choice, and do not think with your heart but think with your mind. I feel that you are vulnerable, especially that you mentioned that you experienced depression.

                              Tbh I don't like what you are saying about your husband. At first, I assumed that he was chaste brother and couldn't stomach realizing his wife had a past. But now knowing he also had a past and he still in contact with women through Facebook and all, I don't understand why he is giving you a hard time about your past. That's ridiculous.

                              There are too many red flags in this relationship. If you're having problems now before you even truly started your life together it will most likely get worse, unless Allah wills otherwise.

                              But as women we need to realize when to walk away. Maybe Allah is saving you from this man.

                              May Allah give you what is best for you, ameen.
                              Last edited by LaylaAb; 29-04-20, 12:47 PM.

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