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  • Severe anxiety stoping me from getting married?

    Assalamu Alykum

    I am in severe need of advice so please try & help me

    Im a 23 year old female that has never talked to a guy my entire life(in a marriage/romatic), the thought about me doing it terrify me ALOT.
    I want to get married but the only thing stoping it is me and my anxiety, and that gives me even more stress the more I think about it.
    I know that it might seem dramatic but its true, ever sense I started becoming practicing at age 16-17 I wanted to get married. But me being very practicing I was to shy to even do it, I don't have a dad in my life and its only me and my younger brother so I couldt send someone out there to look for a good brother for me.
    My older sister is not as practicing and she has talked to many guys but not in a halal way so I don't wanna go that route ever.

    I know what I am looking for and that is a very practicing brother with good values, my only preference is that his deen is extremely good the rest I dont care.
    Many of my friends who have gotten married always say wow has no one yet came knocking on your door asking for your hands, and I said no because that is true.
    They ask this because they have gotten to know their partner by them approaching them first. I don't wanna find my partner through a dating website so its seems like I am out of option at this point.

    I live in a non muslim country so my anxiety has gotten even worse because of the severe islamofpbia and its affecting me as a person.
    But at the same time I always had it, it makes me not wanna socialze and hide at home. I feel like isolating my self for no reason other then me being scared of something that does not exist, I hate the feeling of people looking at me weather its a good thing or bad and I just wanna feel invicelble when I go out.
    This has lead me in the past having depersenalization and allhdulliah Allah took me out of the depersonalisation.
    I feel like I am stuck and never going to find someone because my mind is stoping me, I have done ruqya on me and I reacted to the ayat about evil eye.
    I feel like I am going crazy at times and like prisoner in my own room, please make due for me I don't know what is going on.
    Even me writing this I suddenly feel weak, is this shir?

    PLEASE my brother and sisters help me, and if you have been on the same boat what did you do about it? Even my mom was like you should get married and stop being so lonely and she is right but I don't know where to begin.
    Last edited by rose120120; 26-03-20, 09:25 PM.

  • #2
    Walaykum asalaam sister

    Firstly, it's encouraging for you to open up about your issue, rather than keeping it n. Seems like your mind has put a lot of blockers, and you might need to focus on yourself a little to clear your mind, settle your anxiety a little. Consider going for walks in nature early in the morning when nobody is around if its safe for you to do so, of course. Try the gym or other exercise, it will release endorphins that make you feel more positive. Get involved with some projects or join some circles to have a focus, but you must try to get out of your room. You dont want your mind to eat you up in your room.

    Originally posted by rose120120 View Post

    I know what I am looking for and that is a very practicing brother with good values, my only preference is that his deen is extremely good the rest I dont care.
    You should care, because you cant look for someone who might just be ritually practicing, not that you said that. You want someone who will take responsibility and fulfil your rights as a wife, rather than him potentially being a religious bum who sticks to outward worship only.

    If your friends are married, then ask them through their husbands to help you find someone. You might not look towards your sister, but maybe her guy contacts can help, though they might not be the right leads. Have the conversation with her at least and talk to her about it.

    Dont feel terrified of never talking to a guy - that's a good thing, and the right guy should value that you kept your distance and protected yourself through the most charged and hormone-filled years of your life.

    Pray tahajjud/qiyam and make sincere dua. Learn a couple of duas - "Rabbi inni limaa anzalta...." and "Rabba na hablana min azwajiana...." - great duas.

    Comment


    • #3
      The thing about going online is that you get to see that there are actually people out there who suffer from the same problems as you. A couple months ago I swear I could have written pretty much everything you have written word for word.

      I am not sure what exactly changed in me. I think I know what to expect more. Something that gave me severe anxiety before was the fact that I hadn't spoken to any guys before and had no idea what to expect from marriage. Plus I didn't know anything about the actual process of getting married which made things even worse because I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. I remember the first time someone ever asked for me I literally got sick from how terrified I was. And every potential that came after that, I didn't have a much better response. Last year there was someone who was going to come to our house and like really make it official but I got so freaked out that I begged my dad to get me out of it.

      I realize now when I actually want to get married, that I had a lot of opportunities to make it happen these past few years but I see now that I wasn't ready back then. But I've spent all that time working on myself and becoming much happier, and also observing married people and so on. I think when you do that you will feel more comfortable with the idea. You will see that it's definitely not all daisies and rainbows, but very few things are anyway but I think if you know what to expect then you will know how to solve these problems.

      I know its hard for you because of where you live. Any time I'm in Canada I have the exact same problem when I am in certain areas but I think the best thing to do is to work on yourself and try to build up your confidence. You will feel much more comfortable socializing. And eventually after you have expended your circle you may come across someone who knows a brother who is good for you.

      May Allah help you feel happier and more comfortable and grant you an amazing spouse.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by rose120120 View Post
        Assalamu Alykum

        I am in severe need of advice so please try & help me

        Im a 23 year old female that has never talked to a guy my entire life(in a marriage/romatic), the thought about me doing it terrify me ALOT.
        I want to get married but the only thing stoping it is me and my anxiety, and that gives me even more stress the more I think about it.
        I know that it might seem dramatic but its true, ever sense I started becoming practicing at age 16-17 I wanted to get married. But me being very practicing I was to shy to even do it, I don't have a dad in my life and its only me and my younger brother so I couldt send someone out there to look for a good brother for me.


        PLEASE my brother and sisters help me, and if you have been on the same boat what did you do about it? Even my mom was like you should get married and stop being so lonely and she is right but I don't know where to begin.
        Do not worry at all if what you say about yourself is true in shaa ALLAH a lot of chaste mumineen brothers would be honored to marry you with your anxiety. For example my first cousin former ummah member ABDEL-AZEEM had just gotten married recently to a chaste muminah woman who is similar to you ma shaa ALLAH. Their absolutely nothing wrong with you ma shaa ALLAH and I believe that ALLAH AL-HAFEEZ is protecting you from sinning in shaa ALLAH.

        Wa alaykom assalam Sister rose
        Last edited by ABDEL-ATHEEM; 27-03-20, 11:11 AM.

        Comment


        • #5
          why the women or someone respectful older man here in this forum not trying to help her?
          @rose120120
          you may write down where do you live (not exactly your address, but maybe the town you live or state or nearby large city) to see whether someone respectful from that area can help you in this regards.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by ABDEL-ATHEEM View Post

            Do not worry at all if what you say about yourself is true in shaa ALLAH a lot of chaste mumineen brothers would be honored to marry you with your anxiety. For example my first cousin former ummah member ABDEL-AZEEM had just gotten married recently to a chaste muminah woman who is similar to you ma shaa ALLAH. Their absolutely nothing wrong with you ma shaa ALLAH and I believe that ALLAH AL-HAFEEZ is protecting you from sinning in shaa ALLAH.

            Wa alaykom assalam Sister rose
            Your "cousin", eh.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

              Your "cousin", eh.
              Its not nice to mock. Seems everyone is on his case

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by NJ.2020 View Post

                Its not nice to mock. Seems everyone is on his case
                I'm not mocking. I'm questioning what seems to be a total lie.

                Comment


                • #9
                  .
                  Last edited by NJ.2020; 27-03-20, 06:36 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    May Allah grant you shifaa and your heart peace. I think before you even think about marriage you should deal with this anxiety. Small steps in sha Allah, please seek medical advice and consider relevant treatment options like therapies or medication!
                    إقراء القران فإنه يأتي يوم القيامة شفيعا لأصحابه

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by rose120120 View Post
                      Assalamu Alykum

                      I am in severe need of advice so please try & help me

                      Im a 23 year old female that has never talked to a guy my entire life(in a marriage/romatic), the thought about me doing it terrify me ALOT.
                      I want to get married but the only thing stoping it is me and my anxiety, and that gives me even more stress the more I think about it.
                      I know that it might seem dramatic but its true, ever sense I started becoming practicing at age 16-17 I wanted to get married. But me being very practicing I was to shy to even do it, I don't have a dad in my life and its only me and my younger brother so I couldt send someone out there to look for a good brother for me.
                      My older sister is not as practicing and she has talked to many guys but not in a halal way so I don't wanna go that route ever.

                      I know what I am looking for and that is a very practicing brother with good values, my only preference is that his deen is extremely good the rest I dont care.
                      Many of my friends who have gotten married always say wow has no one yet came knocking on your door asking for your hands, and I said no because that is true.
                      They ask this because they have gotten to know their partner by them approaching them first. I don't wanna find my partner through a dating website so its seems like I am out of option at this point.

                      I live in a non muslim country so my anxiety has gotten even worse because of the severe islamofpbia and its affecting me as a person.
                      But at the same time I always had it, it makes me not wanna socialze and hide at home. I feel like isolating my self for no reason other then me being scared of something that does not exist, I hate the feeling of people looking at me weather its a good thing or bad and I just wanna feel invicelble when I go out.
                      This has lead me in the past having depersenalization and allhdulliah Allah took me out of the depersonalisation.
                      I feel like I am stuck and never going to find someone because my mind is stoping me, I have done ruqya on me and I reacted to the ayat about evil eye.
                      I feel like I am going crazy at times and like prisoner in my own room, please make due for me I don't know what is going on.
                      Even me writing this I suddenly feel weak, is this shir?

                      PLEASE my brother and sisters help me, and if you have been on the same boat what did you do about it? Even my mom was like you should get married and stop being so lonely and she is right but I don't know where to begin.
                      seek medical advice and opt for a therapy even if it is via phone call

                      I have more pointers if you want but it might be more appropriate via pm
                      Ya Allah,
                      Make me a stronger person today. Make me a better person out of all these. It is no longer bearable for me for my heart is aching and You are the only One who knows how I feel. Nothing is making sense to myself and for anyone else for that matter especially to the one person I wish to understand me better than anybody else.
                      "Don't use the sharpness of your tongue on the mother who taught you how to speak

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

                        I'm not mocking. I'm questioning what seems to be a total lie.
                        It is not lie at all and you need stop slandering me in shaa ALLAH. i do not even know who you are and why your defaming me. Anymore harassment will be reported to the moderators in shaa ALLAH.
                        Read Surah Humazah (104) in arabic in shaa ALLAH.
                        Last edited by ABDEL-ATHEEM; 28-03-20, 05:56 AM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

                          Your "cousin", eh.
                          Yes he is my first cousin , now quit insulting me because you know nothing about my family whatsoever and who I am related to. You have never met me in real life at all and you have never met my first cousin in real life at all, so what right do you have to question me, absolutely no right.

                          Read Surah Humazah (104) in arabic in shaa ALLAH.
                          Last edited by ABDEL-ATHEEM; 28-03-20, 05:57 AM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by WayOfLife View Post
                            Walaykum asalaam sister

                            Firstly, it's encouraging for you to open up about your issue, rather than keeping it n. Seems like your mind has put a lot of blockers, and you might need to focus on yourself a little to clear your mind, settle your anxiety a little. Consider going for walks in nature early in the morning when nobody is around if its safe for you to do so, of course. Try the gym or other exercise, it will release endorphins that make you feel more positive. Get involved with some projects or join some circles to have a focus, but you must try to get out of your room. You dont want your mind to eat you up in your room.



                            You should care, because you cant look for someone who might just be ritually practicing, not that you said that. You want someone who will take responsibility and fulfil your rights as a wife, rather than him potentially being a religious bum who sticks to outward worship only.

                            If your friends are married, then ask them through their husbands to help you find someone. You might not look towards your sister, but maybe her guy contacts can help, though they might not be the right leads. Have the conversation with her at least and talk to her about it.

                            Dont feel terrified of never talking to a guy - that's a good thing, and the right guy should value that you kept your distance and protected yourself through the most charged and hormone-filled years of your life.
                            Thank you for you advice and reply :)
                            What I meant with him being very religious was that I firstly would look at his religion before anything else i.e looks, money etc is not that important to me as long as his religion is good. Rare to find good people on the deen this days, who are sincere in it. Have seen some people who all of a sudden act religious before marriage and when they have been together a couple of months there real colours start to show and shay dan try to trick them into turning back to what they use to be.
                            And the boys my sister talks to will not find me a parner nor do I trust their judgement because of the crowd that they are in, there for no need for me to ask them.

                            I don't wanna ask my friends who are married to find a partner for me, that would make me feel a bit weird and out of place.

                            In sha Allah kheir

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by aelmo View Post
                              The thing about going online is that you get to see that there are actually people out there who suffer from the same problems as you. A couple months ago I swear I could have written pretty much everything you have written word for word.

                              I am not sure what exactly changed in me. I think I know what to expect more. Something that gave me severe anxiety before was the fact that I hadn't spoken to any guys before and had no idea what to expect from marriage. Plus I didn't know anything about the actual process of getting married which made things even worse because I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. I remember the first time someone ever asked for me I literally got sick from how terrified I was. And every potential that came after that, I didn't have a much better response. Last year there was someone who was going to come to our house and like really make it official but I got so freaked out that I begged my dad to get me out of it.

                              I realize now when I actually want to get married, that I had a lot of opportunities to make it happen these past few years but I see now that I wasn't ready back then. But I've spent all that time working on myself and becoming much happier, and also observing married people and so on. I think when you do that you will feel more comfortable with the idea. You will see that it's definitely not all daisies and rainbows, but very few things are anyway but I think if you know what to expect then you will know how to solve these problems.

                              I know its hard for you because of where you live. Any time I'm in Canada I have the exact same problem when I am in certain areas but I think the best thing to do is to work on yourself and try to build up your confidence. You will feel much more comfortable socializing. And eventually after you have expended your circle you may come across someone who knows a brother who is good for you.

                              May Allah help you feel happier and more comfortable and grant you an amazing spouse.
                              May Allah reward you for your nice reply :)
                              Thank you sister feels nice to feel that Im not alone

                              Comment

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