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Want to marry my cousin? But how? Scared of proposing + age gap issue

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  • Want to marry my cousin? But how? Scared of proposing + age gap issue

    Hi,

    Long story short, my cousin and I have a substantial age gap, about 12 years. Due to some incidents in my life, I've felt a lot more inclined to wanting to marry my first cousin rather than outside the family. I don't want to get into the exact reasons why, but I feel much more comfortable about this, and if people knew my reasons, they would probably agree. I'm honestly a bit surprised at myself for this thought also, but cannot come to terms in wanting to marry anyone else for the reasons I have....

    I want to get married in the next 3 years, and I am 12 years older than my cousin. We're in regular contact over group chats and stuff like that, but because we live across the country, we don't really get to see each other much. Only when I video call my cousins do her and I ever talk.

    Conversation wise, we can easily have a natural flowing conversation. Maturity wise, I don't mind, there is room for growth, and I'm a little immature for my age....just being honest. Value wise, we have similar Islamic and family values, particularly because our parents are siblings - so we are kind of in the same environment and can respect that. Our families get along very well, however, I don't know how her family would react if I wanted to propose to her for engagement soon, maybe in the next coming year or so. I have this gut feeling we are a good fit, it's just our age gap, and the fact we're cousins.

    My mom actually has brought up the idea of me marrying her once but brushed it off, thinking maybe the age gap might be too big and maybe her Dad will decline. Her family has no idea that I want to marry her. I believe they would be really shocked if my family were to propose to her for me. I'm really close to my cousins in that family and I'm terrified that if I ask for her hand in marriage, that they may not approve, and that it may destroy my relationship with my cousins (the girl, her siblings, her parents). It would make things awkward for life, especially the fact because we are cousins. I could never speak a word to that family again.

    And yes, we both live in America. This is not a random cousin from Pakistan. The stakes are really high here. I will lose my dignity by doing this if I'm rejected. I do not want to come off as a strange guy that wants to marry his cousin who is 12 years younger than him. I've been praying to marry this girl for 3-4 years DAILY in my prayers. I think I need to come clean of my intentions and let my parents know that I want to marry this girl, or let her parents know but I have no idea how to go about this. I'm paralyzed by the fear of our family being forever broken if I bring this up. I will not ever meet the family again if I get rejected because I would not want to make them, nor their daughter, uncomfortable in my presence.

    Please help.
    Last edited by throwaway2020; 26-03-20, 05:41 AM.

  • #2
    Since she's your cousin and you communicate with one another at times, it would be wise if you first tell her in private (through WhatsApp or email) that you're interested in marrying her and whether she would be interested. Address your concerns regarding the age gap and how you would overcome them. Assure her that only if she's interested, you will ask your family to send a formal proposal so that things don't get awkward between the two families in case she's not interested. Give her some time to think over and make a decision.

    You wasted 3 or 4 years of your life for nothing. Don't waste more time being in limbo. Based on her reply, you will know whether you should proceed or move on.

    I don't see why you should stop meeting her family in case of a rejection. You'll always be her "bhai jaan". You tried, it didn't work out. Take it as Allah's will ...sportingly like a man. You will not lose your dignity. InshaAllah, you'll both find more compatible partners. It's 2020 ... Many cousins get married, many get rejected ....life goes on.

    May Allah grant you khair.

    Comment


    • #3
      May Allah grant you what is best.

      Whatever you do, emotionally investing into this at this level will harm you, no matter what the outcome will be.

      Put your trust in Allah, and accept whatever Allah decrees. At the end of the day, she is a woman who will have her flaws. You will go through ups and downs. Marriage life will kick in, and the reality of life will burden you until death.

      The same with any other woman you will marry.

      So, try hard to resist this idea of: If she rejects me I will be broken.

      Lastly, contrary to the advice given above, I think you should tell your parents right away. They will know how to tell her parents since everyone is family. If they reject, it will be easier on you because:

      1. The proposal isn't coming directly from you.

      2. The girl won't be doing the rejecting but her father and mother will, making it easier on you.

      Comment


      • #4
        Fix the issues that you have and look elsewhere.

        Comment


        • #5
          I feel third degree embarrassment from here.
          Do what twinkle suggested send her a message first.
          But I recommend you look elsewhere I don't possibly understand what reason you wouldn't look for someone else.

          Comment


          • #6
            Why don't you look for someone else. There are many good women looking for marriage.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by LaylaAb View Post
              Why don't you look for someone else. There are many good women looking for marriage.
              Sometimes a man just likes a woman more than any other.

              Comment


              • #8
                I second the advice from Abu Abdur_Rahman. Get your family to test the water by gently enquiring with her parents if they/she would be open to the idea. Depending on their reaction proceed accordingly. No need for histrionics..stay frosty and chillin like a villain
                Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the worlds ending!

                None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Pretty good advice. The main reason I want to go through with this is because I know marriage will be "easy mode". Yeah there may be some challenging times, but I can see it working out really well with her. Anyways, could I get some more advice from some other members? Would like to see what others may have to say about this. This thread didn't really get as much traction as I hoped for.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by throwaway2020 View Post
                    Pretty good advice. The main reason I want to go through with this is because I know marriage will be "easy mode". Yeah there may be some challenging times, but I can see it working out really well with her. Anyways, could I get some more advice from some other members? Would like to see what others may have to say about this. This thread didn't really get as much traction as I hoped for.
                    I things its a great idea. But you mentioned the rejection will cause issues. I think you should proceed with precautions because family conflicts are very painful and can last for years and can cause so much unnecessary pain and issues for petty reasons.

                    Can you find out if she is interested through a third party and then approach her family for her hand. What if she likes someone else.

                    if it doesn't work out find sth better.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by throwaway2020 View Post
                      Pretty good advice. The main reason I want to go through with this is because I know marriage will be "easy mode". Yeah there may be some challenging times, but I can see it working out really well with her. Anyways, could I get some more advice from some other members? Would like to see what others may have to say about this. This thread didn't really get as much traction as I hoped for.
                      I would not opt to marry a cousin. But i think you made your mind up already and no one can help you tbh
                      Ya Allah,
                      Make me a stronger person today. Make me a better person out of all these. It is no longer bearable for me for my heart is aching and You are the only One who knows how I feel. Nothing is making sense to myself and for anyone else for that matter especially to the one person I wish to understand me better than anybody else.
                      "Don't use the sharpness of your tongue on the mother who taught you how to speak

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I'd suggest going through the family, perhaps there's another family member who you can trust who is quite close to her you could ask and that person could find out on your behalf... إن شاء الله. Hope it works out for you 👍.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by throwaway2020 View Post
                          Pretty good advice. The main reason I want to go through with this is because I know marriage will be "easy mode". Yeah there may be some challenging times, but I can see it working out really well with her. Anyways, could I get some more advice from some other members? Would like to see what others may have to say about this. This thread didn't really get as much traction as I hoped for.
                          You say "easy mode" however I hate to break it to you:
                          ​you don't really know someone until you've actually lived with them... 😕

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Father Sunglasses View Post

                            You say "easy mode" however I hate to break it to you:
                            ​you don't really know someone until you've actually lived with them... 😕
                            That is true. Insight...

                            All the skeletons come out of Thier cupboards only then lol

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Flawed View Post

                              That is true. Insight...

                              All the skeletons come out of Thier cupboards only then lol
                              Indeed. Then we find out how FLAWED they really are 😂

                              Comment

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